© Brogan 2007
FARM GIRL
Hospitals were among the first businesses to hire "Staff Well-Being Coordinators." SWB coordinators assisted the staff with personal or professional issues that would normally interfere with the employee's ability to do their job. At first, the coordinators were made up of mostly psychologists and sociologists. But, it soon became apparent that there was a legal side to the problems of hospital staff. Some of the staff needed help with buying homes or collapsed emotionally under the pressure of lawsuits. Some faced discipline from various boards or needed a lawyer to "write a letter." And then there were a few staff members who needed a lawyer to bail them or a family member out when they found themselves on the wrong side of the law. It was quickly determined that a lawyer would make a great addition to the Staff Well-Being Department.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy, Dean of Medicine at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital (PPTH), remembered when she laughed at the idea of having a Staff Well-Being department. She doesn't laugh anymore. A Staff Well-Being Department soon became the rage with the Human Resource Department when it was determined that hospitals with SWB departments were retaining important members of the hospital staff in far greater numbers than those without these departments. There was a substantial increase in the retainment of registered nurses and doctors, saving hospitals millions in costs of recruitment, training, documentation and signing bonuses. One year after PPTH had initiated the Staff Well-Being Department, it was ranked by the Staff as the number one perk offered at the hospital and came in third behind salary and location for the reason why people stayed.
The Princeton-Plainsboro Staff Well-Being Department usually had two professionals, a Sociologist and a Lawyer. Under these two professionals was a staff of five who assisted them. The sociologist, Melissa Kaiserhoff, handled issues such as: messy divorces and custody battles; abusive spouses or significant others; locating daycare; dealing with aging parents; illness of the staff or family members; and, the mechanics and aftermath of a death in the family of an employee. She ran a mini social-worker department.
The SWB department sometimes assisted with more pleasant issues too. For example, Melissa had just finished helping a staff member who was adopting a child. The SWB department gathered the voluminous information that was required by the various agencies and submitted it for the employee. This insured that the adoption was not held up by the failure of the agency receiving some form, report, or document from the staff member. The time it took Melissa's staff to do this meant that, not only did the staff member not have to spend precious work hours dealing with gathering this information, but the stress of making the phones calls, faxing requests and dealing with other entities was lifted from the employee's shoulders. Melissa and her staff attended the adoption ceremony and were heartily hugged by the couple and two year old adopted girl. The staff hung her photo up on the wall along with some of the other photos of success stories they had.
The lawyer's position had only been filled again within the last week. It had turned over several times in the last year for one reason and one reason only, Gregory House, M.D. Dr. House occupied over fifty percent of the attorney's work hours, making it difficult to do anything else but babysit him. His run-ins with patients, the law and the insurance companies were enough to keep the lawyer busy. Now he was facing a new challenge, the New Jersey Attorney General's Office and the New Jersey Board of Medical Examiners. They had informed Lisa Cuddy that they were steadily building a case against renewing Dr. House's license until he dealt with several issues, including his drug addiction to Vicodin and his lack of professionalism around patients and their families, which the AG & Board falsely attributed to his Vicodin addiction. In reality, Dr. House was just a miserable human who had no desire to be pleasant to the throng of humanity he was forced to deal with in his practice.
Lisa had never thought for one minute that the SWB department could really help or deal with Gregory House. She knew that he would study and quickly learn how to manipulate the department and the lawyer handling his matters. House had gleefully informed her that he enjoyed seeing how fast he could drive the lawyer out the door. Not that House had anything against lawyers, he had once been in love with one, it was just that the SWB lawyer was always the one dealing with his issues and he enjoyed making their life hell.
Lisa had found herself trying to hire her fourth lawyer for the department in less than one year. The last one had lasted four months, but ended up on Xanex and Zoloft to get through the day. Each time Lisa had to hire a new lawyer, she had to incrase the salary in order to get applicants that weren't fresh out of law school. This time she received one applicant that stood out from the others. She was a Yale graduate and she had apparently worked in the government for the last fourteen years as a high-ranking Washington Analyst. Lisa wasn't sure what that meant or how it would apply to the current position, except the applicant indicated an ever-increasing amount of responsibility at her previous job.
Lisa looked at the applicant and figured they must be close to the same age. "What government agency did you work for, it doesn't say?"
"Central Intelligence Agency."
Lisa lifted an eyebrow, "You worked fourteen years for the CIA?"
"Yes, right out of law school." The blonde sat back in her chair, her arms on the arms of the chair and her legs crossed. She remained stoic.
"You look as if you did well with the CIA, why did you quit?" Lisa asked.
"Personal reasons." The blonde remained perfectly still and gave no signs of being ill at ease.
Lisa wasn't happy with the answer. I bet she pissed her supervisor off or maybe she was always late...or worse, a whiner. I have enough whiners. I don't need another one. "Were you asked to leave?"
The woman with the perfect interview suit and unvarnished nails cracked a smile. "No." There was a very pregnant pause and the blonde could see that Lisa was unhappy with the one syllable answer. Cuddy ran a hand through her dark, black hair. The blonde finally broke the silence, "Dr. Cuddy, I'm going to provide you with some information about my background, but I hope you don't share it with anyone, okay?"
Cuddy nodded.
"I was the fastest rising political analyst in the department and was two steps away from being the person who sits across from the President in briefing meetings. But, I fell in love with another political analyst and we had planned to marry. The CIA actually prefers inter-office romances to a romance between an agent and a civilian. It makes it easier for the agency because they don't have to vet the fiance. The problem was that my fiancé hated the fact that I was four years younger than him and had risen two grades above him in only fourteen years with the Farm. He also resented the fact that I gave him orders. Being a political analyst for the CIA was everything to him, everything. I loved my job, but it was just a job to me. That also drove him nuts. He could see that, although I enjoyed my job and did it well, it wasn't the only thing that defined me.
He couldn't handle it. He started to question my authority, disobey my orders, and in general cause the department significant problems. Any other person under me I would have dealt with, but he just would not listen to me because of our relationship. So, when my supervisor called me into his office and informed me that they were going to discharge my fiancé, I quit. They begged me to stay. They even offered to keep my fiancé, but transfer him to another department. However, my fiance lived for what he did as a political analyst and I didn't. I left the CIA and here I am."
Lisa's mouth was slightly open and she was leaning forward on her elbow. She shook her head, "So the United States lost a senior political analyst because a guy couldn't get his brain around the fact that his fiancé was smarter than him?
The blonde smiled and shrugged her shoulders. Lisa was curious. The woman was pretty, about the same height as Lisa, but, unlike Lisa, she was dressed in very conservative clothing. Lisa wanted one question answered, "So are you two getting married?"
The woman looked down at her hands, the first time she showed any lack of composure. "He broke up with me. He said he couldn't marry anyone who wasn't in the CIA, it would be too hard on the relationship."
The irony of the story was so overwhelming that Lisa threw herself back in her chair and slapped her knees, "Oh my God! I don't believe it! Does he know what you did for him?"
The blond smiled and shook her head. "I'd probably do it a again if I had to. I'm comfortable with change, I don't mind trying new adventures."
"This job seems so different from where your talents lie." Lisa commented.
The blonde shook her head again, "What's more political than a hospital? It has budgets, security, politicians, citizens, it really is no different. Besides, I think you'll find me up for the challenge."
Lisa smiled. If she let herself think about it, the hospital was a mini-political system. Maybe this would work. She might be able to handle the job, handle House. Lisa wanted to hire the woman, but she had one more obstacle. Lisa had decided that from now on she would not hold back why the others had left. She felt that full disclosure was necessary to find someone who would stay. Lisa steadied herself and then began, "We have a problem at this hospital, one that has caused the last three lawyers to leave."
The blonde snickered, "Dr. Gregory House, born June 11, 1959, military brat that failed to get along with Dad. His mother was a typical military wife, she didn't rock the boat when there were allegations of possible abuse by the father. House turned out to be a genius. Not just a prodigy, but a genius. Like a lot of geniuses, Dr. House cannot stand to follow the rules or spend time on issues that don't interest him. His laziness was the reason why he was allowed to receive his medical degree from Hopkins, but was not allowed back for a residency or to take the Mayo Clinic's Doyle Internship. Hopkins kicked him out because he cheated at the last minute on a pharmacological exam calculation and was caught. Dr. House managed to get himself fired from three hospitals after doing his residencies in Nephrology and Infectious Diseases. He ended up here because you knew him when he was a resident at the University of Michigan and you were an undergrad. In fact, you had a brief sexual encounter with Dr. House and remained friends over the years. You knew he was brilliant and took a chance on him, thinking you could control him because of your friendship. But he's the master manipulator and he has managed to manipulate the system and you.
Dr. House was extremely active in sports such as golf, la cross, soccer, and rock climbing until approximately six years ago when he suffered an infarction in his leg which led to his thigh muscle experiencing extensive damage and the surgeons recommending amputation. Dr. House specifically stated that he did not want an amputation. After he was placed in a medically-induced coma to get him through the pain of the procedure, his live-in girlfriend gave you permission to do a surgical removal of the dead thigh muscle despite his direct orders that the operation not be done. Oh, by the way, you and the girlfriend, who was an attorney, both committed malpractice. Just because a person has a power of attorney for health care decisions does not mean that you can follow their orders when they are in direct contradiction to the patient's orders. In other words, his girlfriend and you did not have the legal authority to do what you did. This operation left Dr. House mentally and physically challenged, leading to a break-up with the girlfriend and his addiction to Hydrocodone. He was nearly put in jail for forging prescriptions and he faked his rehabilitation, thus he continues to this day to abuse Hydrocodone.
Dr. House does not tolerate people who do not acknowledge or follow his recommendations or give praise to his abilities. In other words, Dr. House does not suffer fools. He is being investigated by several branches of the government, both state and federal." She saw a surprised look on Lisa Cuddy's face, "Oh I see you were not aware of the federal investigation, well I am. His antics have led to numerous law suits and the loss of staff. Dr. Cuddy, I could go on ad nauseam about Dr. House. I just want you to know that I've done my homework."
Lisa's gave up all pretense of trying to remain unaffected. "Christ, do you know that much about me?"
The blonde winced, "Not as much. But probably more than you wish I did." she waited. It was clear from Lisa's far off look that she was weighing all this in her head. "Dr. Cuddy, you're embarrassed, you think that I might know something about you that you don't want me to know. I can assure you that my years in the CIA have taught me not to judge the person from just facts. I could tell you that my mother took money to undress for men, it's true and you might judge her on that fact alone; at least until I also told you she was a model for the Ford agency. Now that would make her legit. Facts are facts, you have to put them in context. I might have a lot of facts about you, but they really mean nothing until I have a frame of reference."
Despite the fact that the woman scared her, she liked her and she was the first person that she thought would give House a run for his money. She nodded, "I'd like to offer you the job. It pays $212,000 a year, plus benefits and a nice 401K Plan. You'll get two weeks off each year until you've worked five years and then you get three. After ten years you get four."
"I'm sorry, but the vacation time is unacceptable. The doctors and nurses get three weeks to start, with four weeks after four years. I expect the same."
Lisa smiled. She has done her homework. "Fine. Welcome aboard..." She looked at the resume, " Isibél O'Roarke."
Isibél stood, reached across the desk and shook her hand, "Thank you Dr. Cuddy."
"Call me Lisa. Why don't you start on Monday? If you want, you can swing by H.R. on your way out to get all the forms to fill in." Lisa sat back down, but couldn't resist one more question, "Did you every think about going into medicine?"
"No, I had the grades, but my father was a doctor and we never got along. I wanted to choose a field that would piss him off. He hated the government and had very socialist views. It turns out I picked the perfect career to achieve my goal. He stopped speaking to me when I refused to go to med school and went into the CIA. He died five years later." Isibél stood and put her hand on the back of the chair, "Thanks for the job. Where do I report on Monday?"
"Oh, come see me around ten."
"Dr. Cuddy, I would appreciate it if you would simply keep my resume to yourself. As you can see, on the application I just put U.S. Government and an address where inquiries can be made by your H.R. representative. If you personally need to get a reference from my former employer, just let me know and he'll contact you."
"I won't be sharing your employment history with anyone. In fact, I'm going to put it in here and lock the drawer." Lisa emphasized this by doing just that.
"Excuse me Lisa, can I show you something?"
"Sure."
Isibél came around the desk, reached up and took the letter opener, held up the drawer with her thigh, fiddled with a hairpin and the letter opener and had the desk drawer opened within seconds.
Lisa looked sheepish, "I get the point. Uh, I'll put it in my safe at home. She put the resume in her purse and saw Isibél nod.
"I'll see you on Monday."
That night Lisa Cuddy went home and had the best night's sleep she'd experienced in years.
