Disclaimer: The characters and anything else you might recognize in this all belong to J.K. Rowling.
Severus Snape's Journal
However the day goes, my thoughts always stray to one thing, a thing that is never far from my mind. The moment I killed Albus Dumbledore. I know the truth of exactly the circumstances surrounding the event, even if the wizarding world doesn't. And that still doesn't relieve all of the guilt I feel. Dumbledore was the only man to ever put his complete faith in me. Except for now, since the wonderful Dark Lord trusts me explicitly ever since I did him the favor of murdering the Headmaster of Hogwarts.
Albus Dumbledore is still the only on who truly ever cared, and I killed him! Now the only thing keeping me from turning myself into the ministry, is that they would kill me…and that would be less suffering than living with this guilt. I deserve to suffer, even if Dumbledore ordered me to do it for the sake of gaining Voldemort's trust.
The meetings with Voldemort are, if anything, more horrible. Not physically of course…not from the Dark Lord anyway. Voldemort patting me on the head like an obedient dog. It's the others. They stare on with green gazes in the Dark Lord's presence, and in private…they all torture me together. It's not like I can just run to the Dark Lord and tell, then I would for sure be crucioed. And that's something I really try to avoid.
At times like this, when I'm thinking, pleasanter memories come back. I think of the times in the staff room, Filius going on about something, and playful banter with Minerva. All of it to the backdrop of Dumbledore's twinkling blue gaze. Then, the memory of that gaze inevitably takes me back to that moment.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm not angry at Dumbledore for forcing me to go and play the Dark Lord's lapdog, for convincing the entire wizarding world that I was another horrible monster. Then I remember that I once was one of those monsters, yet Dumbledore still took me in. He convinced the ministry that I was on the side of good. Now the only thing I'm angry about now is that fact that some members of the ministry are probably getting their kicks out of proving the great Albus Dumbledore wrong. If I ever run into any of them… It's not like they'll believe I'm on the side of good anyway. What's a few more murder charges?
My left forearm is burning now, the Dark Lord calls. And if I'm unlucky, I'll return.
