Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Shakespeare.
AN: What do you get when you cross a Shakespeare lover with a Harry Potter fan? ME!! And this is a side effect! The story is definitely AU.
Love's Labor's Lost- Act I
James Potter was the king of England. His parents had conceived him late, so James was king, and they were long gone by the time he was eighteen. James had a fairly normal reign so far- if you consider fairly normal to be having a streak of play boyishness early on. He had three best friends in the world- Lords Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Frank Longbottom. He also had one pathetic, but somewhat lovable clown, Peter Pettigrew.
But, after awhile, James' messing around had caused his beloved country much strife. His outrageous wants and needs helped England go bankrupt. The people still adored their king; they understood he was just a boy, but they wanted him to grow up. James loved his people, so therefore, sought the counsel of his advisors.
Lady Minerva McGonagall was one of them, along with the trusted wise old Sir Dumbledore. They had advised him to spend three years in vigilant study, now disruption from ladies, or gambling, or anything of the sort. James was to learn the sort of stuff that would help his country, with the help of Sir Dumbledore. He was also to seek the company of his friends.
So, it was announced, that the king and his court would spend three whole years, of fasting, abstinence, and study, for the good of the country.
Sirius, Remus, and Frank, left right away, to help the king on his mission, or, in Sirius' case, persuade him not to forgo this idea.
"Ah, gentlemen," James started as his friends sat down in his study. "You are all here. I daresay that you have already heard of my plans."
The three nodded.
"Well, this country deserves a better king, and I shall meet that need, with force if necessary. I will need to study endlessly, with no distractions, and prepare myself for a real reign. I have drafted up a contract, one that shall not be broken, on pain of death. I will sign it, and you, if you please. So, here I sign, and you may follow."
James scrawled his name on the bottom of the paper. Remus looked distastefully at it. "You would think that the king would have better handwriting," he muttered.
Frank stepped up first to sign, "I am resolved. I will sign. It is only three years of a fast. My body may be hungry, but my mind shall be quite enriched." Frank neatly printed his name in large letters across the bottom.
"My lord, you have never been wiser," Remus started, while stepping up to sign. "I have but watched, as you destroyed your country, and I believe this is the best way to fix it." Remus loopy cursive signed his name on the page.
Sirius, however, seemed quite reluctant.
"James, old buddy," he laughed. "I will agree to study for those three years, but I have some problems with this."
James looked at Sirius questioningly; he did want his best mate to accompany him.
"To not see a woman in three years! Why, that is outrageous!"
"Of course! We all know your need to have a one-night stand every night. Lord knows how many hearts you have broken," Frank scorned, as Remus snickered.
Sirius scowled at Frank, and continued, "And, to not eat one day a week, that's preposterous, let alone having one meal a day."
Frank and Sirius murmured their agreements to this.
"And! Not to see any daylight at all! James, you simply cannot expect us to agree to this all!"
"You swore to follow this, Sirius."
"No, not at all! I swore only to study with you! Not to kill my reputation, and even myself!"
Frank sighed, "You swore to that, and the rest."
"Then I did not mean to swear for it! When does the study end? How do you know you have studied all you can?"
"Sirius, there can be no end to study," Remus threw in.
"We must study, for the good of the country," James retorted, sadly. "It is my fault, and I want to right it, you can agree, or choose not to."
"Fine. For the sake of the country, although what good my studying will do I don't know, I will study with you. And I shall agree to let you drain my rights."
"We are not draining your rights, we are making sure that the studying is not done in vain."
"Please, there are certain rights everyone is allowed to."
"I suppose that is true. So let me add, there will be three well-rounded meals a day, no feasts, as our country is bankrupt. We shall also spend as much time as we please doing what we please, after we have spent a mandatory five hours of studying a day. But, the rule about the women stays."
Sirius, who had been looking quite hopeful, looked as if everything he had ever known had been crushed.
Frank, who had been looking on said to Sirius, "Fine, don't sign, but forever more, be known as the man who betrayed his king, and his country."
Sirius glared at Frank, sighed, and scribbled his name hastily across the paper.
"Well, now that is good and done-"
"Wait," Sirius interrupted. "If I am not to be with women, my I at least know the rules?"
"Oh, very well, No woman shall come within a mile of my court."
"When was that proclaimed?"
"Four days ago."
"And the penalty?"
"On pain of losing her tongue."
" A bit harsh, isn't it?"
"Well," Frank said brightly. "It will scare them off!"
"What about the man seen with her?"
"If any man be seen to talk with a woman within the three years, he shall have to endure as much public shame as the rest of the court shall devise."
"When Sirius breaks the contract, this shall be so fun!" Remus cackled evilly.
Sirius just backed away.
Then, Sirius had an idea. "Sir, you do know this is impossible?"
"How so?"
"Well, the princess of France is coming, in place of her father, who is to be dreadfully sick. She is to speak of important political matters. Though, if the contract had it your way, her tongue would have to be chopped off. Then, in the best-case scenario, France would be raging a full out war against us, and how is our little bankrupt country supposed to survive?"
"I never thought of that. I suppose we shall just have to make a \n exception for however long the princess is to stay."
Just then, two men entered the study. One was a short, round man, by the name of Peter Pettigrew, the court clown. The other was a taller man, with rich blond locks and blue eyes, by the name of Gilderoy Lockhart, who the court constable, and kept everything in check. Albeit, he made a better job of taking care of himself, always lugging around that wretched mirror. James made a mental note to fire him later.
Not taking his eyes of the mirror, Lockhart handed James a letter, and said, "Sir Wood told me deliver this to you, along with this rogue," pointing to Pettigrew.
Remus took the letter, and started to read it. "It's nothing but immense flattery on your part, so far, James, ah here we go. I did see that low-spirited swain, that base minnow fo your wonderful court-"
"Me?" Pettigrew asked.
"That small knowing soul-"
"Me?"
"That shallow vassal-"
"Me?"
"Which, as I remember, called Pettigrew-"
"Ah! Me!"
"With a woman."
Here Lockhart looked up, and said, "AH, we should punish him," immediately looking back to the mirror, to fix his bangs.
"Well," James sighed. "I see nothing to do, but to have Sir Wood look after you, seeing as he's the only one who can deal with this shallow vassal."
The other lords snickered.
James cleared his throat.
'Oh, right, I'll take him there right away," Lockhart finally replied. Then, leaving, he ran into the wall three times, before walking through the door. A few seconds later, a crash resonated through the study.
"We really should get rid of that wretched mirror," Sirius said, voicing everyone's opinion.
In the courtyard, an hour later, Sir Wood was introduced to Pettigrew. His yells of protest rang through the house, until he was told it was the king's idea.
"Well, in that case, I will be more than happy to take on the shallow vassal."
Looking bored, Lockhart added, "You are also to decide the punishment for the girl he was caught with."
"Her name?"
"Uh… Mary MacDonald, I think."
A tall and slender girl, with deep brown hair and blue eyes was led in. She looked innocently at Sir Wood, with puppy dog eyes, which soon changed to a sultry look.
"Umm… She may go," Sir Wood said, with every intention of finding her and having a good snog later.
That is, until he realized that would mean sure death for him.
"Drat."
AN: Hope you like it! Review! Or I shall send the oysters after you! MUA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! I'M EVIL! EVIL I SAY!
