Total crack-fic written with my friend. Lulz ahead (hopefully). It was lulz to us. Expect cameos from totally unexpected characters. Expect OoC for the lulz.


If I'm Not The One


chapter 1: How Could You?


Donna came into the TARDIS kitchen chewing her lower lip. She sat slowly in one of the chairs, looking up at the Doctor with worried blue eyes. "Doctor... There's something I need to tell you."

The Doctor sat down across from her, concern in his deep chocolate eyes. "What is it, Donna? Is everything okay? Are you okay? Is the baby okay?" he asked in quick succession.

She smoothed out a wrinkle in her shirt over her rounded belly. "Yes, everything's fine, the baby's fine." She paused again, looking down at her lap and not at the Doctor. "It's something else I have to tell you."

He reached across the table, laying a gentle hand over hers. "What is it, Donna?"

She looked up at him, seeing the concern and love for her in his eyes, and she almost didn't tell him. It would hurt him too much. But she had to tell him.

She took a deep breath, and said, "The baby..." She trailed off, biting her lip.

He just looked back at her with those beautiful brown eyes, full of so much love, and she hoped he could forgive her.

She took another breath and spluttered, "The baby's not yours."

The Doctor blinked at her for a moment, not comprehending. Then his mouth fell open, opening and closing while he tried to find his voice. "Wh-What? Baby's not... What?"

Donna bit her lip again, looking apologetically at the Doctor, putting her other hand on top of his to make a hand sandwich. "I'm sorry, Doctor. I... I didn't want to hurt you."

He yanked his hand back from hers, anger burning in his eyes like fire as he looked across at the woman he loved who had betrayed him. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well... It just never seemed like a good time... I mean... You were always so excited about being a father. And I'm telling you now."

"Six months, in six months it never seemed like a good time?" He threw his hands up in the air. But he did not wave them around like he just didn't care. Because the truth was, in fact, just the opposite. The truth was that he did care. A lot. "What makes now any better a time than before? Than all the other times you could have told me?"

"Well..." she began slowly; but she didn't finish because the Doctor cut her off.

"How could you do this to me Donna? How could you do this to me? To us?" he demanded, tears beginning to form in his eyes. "I thought we had something special! I thought..." He choked back a sob. "I thought you loved me!"

"I do love you! I love you so much! And that's why I had to tell you, because I love you, and I couldn't keep lying to you!"

"You don't care about me at all!" The tears he had been fighting finally began to fall, dripping down his face as he tried to wipe them away. "You slept with another man and then lied to me!"

"I'm sorry, Doctor," she said, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I didn't think this would happen. I didn't know I would get pregnant. If I did, I never would have done it. But I did, and it happened, and now I have to live with the consequences, whatever they may be."

"Who was it? Was it Jack? It was Jack, I know it!" He wiped a hand across his face to dry his tears and then stood from the table, angry. A sudden realization struck him.

"Oh my God! That night we were in Cardiff, six months ago, and you went out to get pizza with Jack, and then you didn't come home until five in the morning, and when I asked you what you were doing you said you were getting your hair cut. But the hairdresser's isn't even open at five in the morning!" He looked aghast at his realization. "And your hair didn't even look any different!" He pointed accusingly at Donna. "You were having sex with Jack!"

Donna bit her lip. "You're right." She looked down at the table. "I was having sex with Jack. But for what it's worth, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, and I never should have hurt you like that. And I wish I could take it back, but I can't. Can you forgive me?" She looked up at him, the beginnings of tears in her eyes.

The Doctor looked at her, his jaw working in anger and rage. "I'm going to kill Jack Harkness!" He stormed out of the kitchen toward the console room.