Being alone was the most terrifying thing you could experience. For someone like me anyways. Its different though. You try and stay away from people so much because you don't want to become attached, because when you become attached they grow annoyed and when they grow annoyed they leave and then your alone again and nothing hurts more then that abandonment. Eventually it comes to a point where you can hardly handle being away from them. Your so dependent on this one person for comfort and protection that when your away from them you can hardly think straight. It physically hurts to be away from that one person. Hurt to the point that your gut aches and your not sure what else you can do but curl up and pray that they'll come back to you. But your faced with that uncertainty. That what if. What if they don't come back? What if they abandon you like all the ones before. The more you stay with that one person the more attached you become. They hard it is to function without them. You have so many means of contact. What with facebook now, and phones where you can call or text, or being with that person, yet you just don't. You see them come online and you shrink into a corner of uncertainty. You don't want to bother them because you don't want them to leave but you don't want to not talk to them because that feeling of loneliness creeps up on you and you just cant escape it. And it clots your mind and your emotions and it makes everything blurry and hard to understand. It can come to a point where if that one person you rely so heavily on isn't with you all you can do it sit in a corner and cradle something that they gave you and just wait for them to come back even though in your mind your so certain that they wont. Sometimes it's even hard to sleep. You just don't feel right, being completely and utterly helpless where anything can happen to you if they're not there to protect you. You start to rely on them for everything. They become your protector and your care taker and you just don't know what you would do without them.
So what would happen if they left? What would happen if they did abandon you like all the rest? You, just don't get over something like that. Its hard to lose someone. I can tell you that from experience. But when there gone what do you do? No one ever told me this. No one ever told me who to handle it and know he's gone and I'm so scared and I don't know what to do anymore. He's gone. He just left and I don't know what to do. It feels like everything outs to get my and I'm scared and panicky and nervous and I don't know what to do. Everything is scary and dark and I haven't left the apartment in days and I'm so terrified that something is going to come in here or I'm going to have to go out and and face people and things that I've never liked in the first place I mean just how do people cope on there own?! How do they function without someone they trust so completely to keep them safe and out of harms way. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to have to go out soon. The fridge is almost empty and I'm going to need food, but... I'll be all alone. I'll have to take care of myself. I... I don't know if I can do that...
