Finding the Way Home

~o0o~

He'd made a mistake. He'd been young, stupid and blinded by love. Years later he's still living with the aftermath, lost, alone and filled with guilt. Would he ever find the peace he craved?... Mondler AU. Angst/Romance.

A/N - Ok, this is set around season 3 (after R&R break up) but is a huge AU and not the same timeline we know and love. Hopefully you'll get the drift as we go along, so I won't ramble too much here. It's a fairly long angsty one (14 chapters) which are pretty much finished but as always each chapter needs a damn good edit before getting posted up, some more than others, but hopefully it shouldn't be too long inbetween updates...


Life can show no mercy

"Um," Chandler faltered, his eyes falling once again onto the large beast in front of him. He swallowed, his hand automatically coming up to rub his neck, to unconsciously protect his vulnerable skin. He hated dogs...almost as much as he hated his current life. Sighing heavily, he winced, "Look, uh it's a great apartment but, uh-"

"Bills all included, cable, phone..."

"It's a tempting offer, really," he lied, ripping his eyes away from the savage-looking canine to address its even more savage-looking owner; it was true what people said, pets really could look like their owners."It's a nice place you have here, but, uh just not the one for me. Thanks for showing me around though, I appreciate it."

"Sure, whatever," the guy shrugged following him to the door, "your loss."

The wooden door closed firmly in his face and Chandler resisted the urge to kick out at the innocent door frame in frustration. Damn it, it had looked so promising in the advert. Why was it that every stupid apartment in this stupid city was either already taken or had weird freak-ass roommates? If it wasn't killer dogs it was Satan worshipers or god-forbid, bagpipe players. A shudder went through him.

Finding an apartment in Manhattan was proving a lot harder than he'd remembered. What was he even doing here? Risking coming back? Man, he should have stayed safely in Tulsa... should have stayed awake through one crappy meeting; then he would still be in crappy Tulsa.

With another heavy sigh, he pushed his self-loathing aside and left the grubby landing, taking the stairs quickly as he exited the unfamiliar building and walked out onto the unfamiliar street. Chandler paused, taking in his last few breaths of fresh air before he reached into his pockets for his trusty packet of cigarettes. Placing one between his lips, he lit it easily, stuffing the lighter back into his pants. His eyes swept around his surroundings, debating what to do with himself now he wasn't sorting out moving like he'd hoped.

It was Saturday lunchtime and a familiar sense of loneliness started to creep through him; he knew he faced spending the rest of the day completely alone. Just like he had last night. Just like he would tomorrow. God, he hated weekends, really despised them. It was the weekends that repeatedly showed him just how empty his pathetic life had become. It was when he had the most time on his hands, forced to think and reflect. He hated that even more. No matter how hard he tried to forget, tried to push down his guilty memories, he always lost the battle.

Not wanting to face the oppressive silence of his empty hotel room, he decided to try and make the most of the nice weather and take a walk. At least amongst the New York crowds and the fast-paced Saturday shoppers he didn't feel so isolated. He wouldn't stand out as a loner. He could pretend he was going somewhere, pretend he had a purpose, a life. People wouldn't judge him.

He and his nicotine little buddy, wandered aimlessly, eventually finding themselves at the entrance of the familiar park. He paused, staring at it for a long moment as memories of a different life started to flutter at the edge of his consciousness. The life he tried so desperately to forget. Slamming his eyes shut he tried to block out the images of his younger smug self. When days couldn't be long enough. When he had best friends and a carefree life he'd loved. His life before it had all gone so horribly wrong.

God, it was all so different now.

Frustrated at his traitorous thoughts, he threw the finished smoke onto the ground, squishing it under his shoe before he forced himself to walk forward and enter Central Park. He hadn't stepped foot in this park for years, five years to be precise. He'd avoided it since he'd returned to the city a few weeks ago, fearing it was just too dangerous, too close to his past sins. But it was a large park. Thousands of people were probably here enjoying their Saturday; thousands. He'd be fine, besides if he was going to live in this city again he couldn't avoid this park forever and the odds of running into anyone he didn't want to were slim.

There were only five people here he needed to avoid. Five people out of the seven million that were currently crammed into New York. Manhattan was a big place and as long as he stayed clear of certain old haunts and hangouts, then he'd be alright, he had to be. He kept the mantra in his head. He wouldn't bump into them. He wouldn't see them. Hell, maybe they weren't even in New York anymore…maybe they had all moved on as well...

He swallowed as a familiar pain rippled through him, he hated that thought. Hated that their life had no doubt continued without him and probably for the better.

Not that he could blame them.

They had deserved better then him.

She had deserved better than him, so much better.

He wondered if they ever thought about him still? Even after all this time had passed? He was torn between hoping they didn't, so there was no more pain and they had closure. But a part of him hoped she still did, that by some miracle she didn't hate him. Might even forgive him one day?

No, this wasn't helping him. Shaking his head fiercely in frustration, he started to quicken his pace. He couldn't think about them, couldn't theorize how they had spent the last five years. More importantly he couldn't think of her. He'd given up that right five years ago.

Why though did it still hurt after five years?

Why did he still have to live with the pain and guilt every single fricking day?


~o Flashback 5 years ago o~

"Chandler! There you are!"

He stopped talking to Chris at the bar as she wrapped herself around him, her arms at his waist, her head resting so easily against his shoulder, like it was made for her.

"Hey," he grinned amused, allowing himself for just a moment to enjoy the feel of her body pressed to his and the smell of her perfume that was now surrounding him. "You ok?"

"Yeah," she pulled back slightly from his embrace offering him a beaming smile. "I'm more than ok actually, much more."

"Yeah? What's brought this on?" he asked curious, trying to ignore the way his heart sped up a little because of that amazing smile. Her smile was one of the first things he'd fallen in love with, it hadn't taken long for him to fall in love with the rest of her.

"Well," she accepted the drink from the barman with a nodded thanks, taking a sip of the alcohol which Chandler seriously doubted she needed, she seemed pretty tipsy already.

"Well?" he pried as she played with her yellow plastic straw.

Monica bit her lip, ducking her head a little and Chandler was totally endeared by her.

"It's silly."

"Then it's your lucky day as I happen to like silly," he teased, nudging her gently. "Tell me." She still seemed a little hesitant and he frowned, "Mon, it's me," he reminded her softly, "you can tell me anything, you know that."

"True," she mused, capturing and chewing those gorgeous lips between her white teeth. "Ok, but," she raised a pointed finger at him in warning, "you can't tell anyone…an-y-one."

Chandler used his own fingers to cross his heart before turning it into the boy scout sign just for extra luck, "Come on, don't make me pinky-swear, too."

"Ok," she chuckled, "ok, well," she looked around to ensure none of the gang were within earshot, "see, I've, uh kinda got a little crush on someone," she admitted, blushing instantly.

"What?" Chandler jolted in surprise, his heart starting to pound in his chest, he hadn't expected that, it had come out of nowhere.

Did she know? Had he given something away?

"Uh huh, but you can't tell Ross, he'd totally flip out."

"As long as it isn't Ross," he tried to joke nervously, "I mean he's married…as well as being your brother."

She snorted, a hand landing on his chest, stroking slightly, "Oh you." The hand stayed there and Chandler briefly wondered if she could feel the hammering of his heart underneath; it felt like it was about to burst from his chest and shoot across the room to land in an unsuspecting victim's beer glass. "It's not Ross, that would be gross," she moved her hand from his chest but instead of disappearing it landed on his thigh, patting it and lingering, her sparkling undulated eyes meeting his, "it's definitely not Ross."

"G-good," he stammered, his stomach fluttering. Was this actually happening? It felt so surreal, "So, uh, who is it?"

"I don't know if I should tell you of all people," she admitted, her hand still burning his thigh, "it might be weird. It's...it's actually one of the group."

His breath hitched in his throat, "I-I"

He didn't want to hope. Desperately didn't want to hope. Things like this didn't happen to him.

"And 'no', it's not Phoebe before you ask," she chuckled, the hand on his thigh rubbing slowly.

His heart started to beat rapidly in confused anticipation.

"T-then that leaves…?"

Please dear god, that left…

"Kip."

He froze.

"Kip?" he managed to choke out as disappointment and disbelief flooded through him.

"Yeah, but you can't tell anyone, promise?"

He couldn't promise, he was still trying to process this unexpected and very unwelcome information, his mind spinning.

"Kip?" He eventually repeated, stunned, his brow furrowing in confusion. "Really? Kip?"

God it hurt. He hadn't realized how much it would but it did. A dull ache was already spreading slowly across his chest as reality began to dawn on him. She had a crush on his roommate.

"Chandler," she removed the forgotten hand to whack his chest clumsily, "stop making fun of me, yes I like Kip, ok?"

It wasn't ok. How could it be?

"I mean I really really like him," she continued, unknowingly increasing the pain in his chest. "As in, I can't stop thinking about him, like him."

"Ok, I get it, you don't have to paint me a picture," he really didn't get it. Not at all. How could she like Kip?

Chandler silently berated himself for getting his hopes up for even the briefest of moments. Idiot. How could he have thought someone like her would ever want to be with him? Pathetic, immature him.

"He's just so…sweet," she started telling him, although he definitely hadn't asked and desperately didn't want to know. "He's good-looking, smart, caring, funny-"

"Funny?" That got him. She found Kip funny and not him? He was the funny one of the group, it was his thing, the only thing he had. He always tried to show off in front of her and she always awarded him with one of those smiles or rich laughs.

"Yes funny," she protested good-naturedly, "although, obviously not as funny as you Mr Funny Bing," she chuckled at her own joke. "He's got a good sense of humor, he's got a real job and he's Jewish! My mom is going to love him."

"Yeah, she will," he muttered softly, reaching for his drink, wishing this conversation was already over. He needed it to just end.

The sad truth was Kip was actually a good guy. He was all those things she'd just said which only added to his dilemma.

"Do you think he likes me? That he'd go out with me?"

He wanted to lie, he really did. He wanted to tell her to forget about Kip and focus on the other roommate that had been secretly in love with her since college. But he couldn't do that. He couldn't risk ruining this friendship and getting his heart rejected, especially now he knew his feelings were definitely not reciprocated. Besides, as he constantly told himself it wasn't love. It was just a crush. She was allowed to date whoever she wanted, he'd coped before and would cope again.

"Chandler?"

"Right, sorry," he tried to calm himself down but he could feel his walls starting to crumble as the dull ache intensified. Why did it hurt so bad? He just hadn't expected this tonight, had been unprepared for it and his heart caught off-guard. That was all. "Who, uh wouldn't want to date you?" he admitted honestly.

She offered him another huge grin, her warm hands patting his cheeks, "Lots of people but thank you, you always know the right thing to say to make me feel better."

"Your welcome," ironically her words seemed to twist that knife a little deeper.

"Think I should ask him out tonight? You know, while I've got the nerve and the right blood alcohol level and actually go for it?" she suggested and Chandler swallowed, pushing down his gut response as her eyes starting to search the bar.

"I, uh, I think he already went home," he said, trying to keep his trembling under control and out of his voice.

"Even better," she smiled as she stood up, pushing her drink towards him. "Here you can have the rest of this on the condition you don't come upstairs in a hurry," she giggled, totally missing his grimace. "I'm not saying anything will happen, he might not even be interested but try not to interrupt anything," she winked. "Thanks Chandler, you're the best," she pressed her lips to his cheek as the knife sliced completely through him. "Wish me luck."

He didn't but she didn't seem to notice. Too hyped up and focused on her new mission to notice the man she'd left falling apart at the bar. He just stared after her, watching as she grabbed her coat and bounced out of the door. As the door closed behind her he continued to stare, completely lost. Had that just happened? Was this real? He prayed not, hoped beyond hoped, that this was some sort of result of mixing his drinks and he'd wake up tomorrow to find it was just some twisted part of his subconscious playing a cruel joke on him.

Monica and Kip?

~o0o~

The next morning he crawled out of bed, his head and stomach vaguely protesting at the movement. He remembered drinking a fair bit the night before in an attempt to try and ignore Monica's drunken confession. Had she been serious? Had she talked to his roommate? He really hoped not, really hoped it had been a misunderstanding, or maybe Kip wouldn't feel the same. He'd never mentioned liking Monica, but then again neither had Chandler. Chandler had kept his forbidden crush a secret, hoping that it would pass, would just be a faze...but he'd been telling himself that since Thanksgiving '88.

Scrubbing a hand through his bed hair, he pushed open the door, both relieved and panicked to see his roommate munching some toast at the small rickety kitchen table.

"Hey Mr Sunshine," Kip greeted with an amused grin. "You look like crap. Rough night last night?"

"Something like that," he grunted, padding over to join him. "You?"

As much as he dreaded it, he had to discover the outcome.

"I had a rather surprising night," he grinned, wiggling his eyebrows above his spectacles, "Get this, I was about to crash out when Monica comes in and announces she wants to date me!"

She had done it then. He tried to ignore his sinking gut as his shoulders slumped.

"Cool," he tried lamely, hoping the other man would put his lack of enthusiasm down to his hangover.

"Wild right? I mean I never would have thought someone like that would have been interested in me! It's crazy."

"Definitely crazy alright," he muttered, trying not to sound bitter. "So, uh, do you wanna date her?" he held his breath. Please...

"I didn't, I never really thought about it you know, she's the girl across the hall, in our friend group. But as she's offering I thought why not?," Chandler felt his heart constrict a little but he tried to shake it off. Monica deserved to be with someone that would cherish her, someone that had been longing for her. "We're going out tonight," he continued, oblivious to Chandler's misery, "to see how it goes but...well, I probably shouldn't say anything as I'm a gentleman and all, but as you're my roommate...I already know we have great chemistry. I mean, I know she was a little tipsy but she was suddenly all over me man and yeah, we didn't go all the way but she's damn feisty when she wants to be and so hot."

He closed his eyes, not wanting to hear this.

"Dude, that's our friend and Ross' little sister you're talking about."

"Like you're blind," he scoffed a little, standing up to move to the sink, patting his shoulder as he did. "You know I don't mean anything by it, Monica's cool. It's just I never realized how good a kisser she'd be and man she's got a fine body."

"Kip -"

"Plus, I figure Ross can't get mad as she's the one throwing herself at me right? It's not my fault she likes me. I'm the innocent party here."

"I guess."

Over the years he'd often wondered what Ross' reaction would be if he discovered Chandler's real feelings towards Monica. He'd gone through various scenarios in his head but none ever ended well. Occasionally he'd let himself imagine that by some miracle she was dating him and they had to break it to Ross. Again it had never concluded positively.

"Anyway, I've gotta go, I said I'd take my mom out for lunch as I didn't get to see her last week."

"Course," Chandler hadn't even heard from his own mother for a couple of months.

As Kip grabbed his jacket, the apartment door opened revealing a shy and very cute looking Monica. Chandler took her in, appreciating her, until it dawned on him she was staring the same way dopey way...but at his roommate. Monica and Kip were actually making eyes at each other. It was like some twisted version of the twilight zone and he didn't like it but also couldn't bring himself to look away.

"Hey," she smiled, biting her lip and Chandler frowned.

"Hey you," Kip grinned, walking over to her, placing his hands on her cheeks as he pulled her in for a quick kiss.

Chandler's already unsettled stomach turned as he watched their lips meet, the reality that this was actually happening started to sink into his thick skull. Monica and Kip. They were gonna date and he was gonna have to watch them. He shifted uncomfortably averting his gaze as he tried to ignore his inner thoughts. They were adults, they were allowed to date. He'd have to find some way to deal with it until his own crush got the wake up call and moved on.

It was just a silly crush.

"I've got to go, I'll see you later babe, you too Monica," he winked chuckling as he confidently strode from the apartment.

Chandler held up a hand as a vague wave as he left, before looking over to Monica. She looked beautiful, a soft warm look on her face; as he stared at her an unwelcome pang of longing went through him, unsettling him. She wasn't his to long for.

"Isn't this great?" Monica practically squealed, dancing over to him and hugging him. "Me and Kip!"

"Yeah," his throat was dry as he resisted locking his arms around her and not letting her go.

"I can't believe this is happening," she continued and he resisted commenting. "Thank you, Chandler."

He frowned, "What did I do?"

"You gave me the confidence to actually go for it silly, I'd never have had the courage to talk to him unless it had been for you! And now we're actually going on a date! It's so exciting! I better go decide what to wear, maybe Phoebe will have something suitable. Thanks again, Chandler. I owe you one."

She pressed a kiss to his cheek before, turning and leaving, not noticing the disbelief on his face as the irony kicked in. Alone in the apartment he let his head drop to his hands as he closed his eyes and groaned. He must have done something really really crappy in his past life to be getting punished this way. The girl he wanted was now dating his roommate and not only was he going to have to hear about it and no doubt see it, it turned out he was to blame.

He felt a sharper pain in his chest, but tried to push it down. He didn't want to understand what it meant right now.

He just had to accept the situation and move on, he didn't have a choice.

Monica had chosen Kip.

Kip.


A/N – quite a slow start but hopefully it's set the scene a little. I promise it gets moving a bit more in the next chapter.

It's probably worth mentioning at this stage, that if you've ever tried reading into the backstories of our favorite characters you'll probably know it's very open to interpretation...and well not a lot adds up! I've tried my best here with the timeline but please forgive any errors and maybe don't look too closely ha ha. For the sake of this story I'm going off the assumption Mondler became friends not long after the whole toe cutting incident.

And a huge thank you for everyone that reviewed my last fic, it was very much appreciated! As always I'd love love love to hear your thoughts on the opening chapter :o)