Call me a necromancer, 'cause I'm bringing this abomination back to life.
Disclaimer: I do not own Sonic the Hedgehog or SEGA.
My Life as a Teenage Brobot
Chapter 1 - Robro Reboot
Life is nothing more than color. Brilliant, lively color that only the strongest of imaginations can ever hope to contain. People he once knew transformed into beings of pure light energy and streaked past his vision in pure elegance. He moved his body to the beat of the music and tried his best to keep himself steady. The world was nothing more than a sandbox to enjoy life, and he was the king of it.
He felt a familiar grasp take hold of his shoulder, "Yoooo, Metal, how are you doing!?"
Metal Sonic looked at the one he bestowed the prestigious title of 'Bro' upon, "Android, man, I feel good," He lifted his cup to the dancing LED lights, feeling the cold drink spill down his arm, "Chuuuuuuuug!" Metal Sonic bravely proclaimed to the crowd which exploded back with approval over the deafening music.
The Shadow Android leaped upon a nearby couch and brought his Solo Cup (Trademarked, please don't sue me.) to his lips and let the liquid slide down his throat and run down his face. After it was empty he threw it to the side and pounded his fist against his chest, "Let's throw a couple back for the Eggman Empire! Chug my brobots!"
Metal Sonic looked to his best friend on the couch, "Dude, you can't make people chug twice in a row, they might throw up!"
"Bro, we're robots, we don't have stomachs! Woooo!"
"Oh yeah," Metal Sonic stumbled to the ground. His red eyes flickered slightly before slowly shutting down.
"Yo! Metal Sonic can't hang!" He heard the crowd laugh before losing consciousness.
These were expensive. These were red bottoms. These were, indeed, bloody shoes.
Cough...
Cough...
COUGH!
"Oh, dear God," Metal Sonic shook on the cold Egg Carrier floor. Gripping his head, he carefully let his eyes come online and fought to adjust to the surroundings. The living room finally began to reveal itself to his impaired vision. The room was basic, made of military-grade steel. It was painted with thin yellow stripes along the floor, with a few pieces of furniture strewn about. Three heavy automatic doors, one to the main Egg Carrier, one to the bathroom, and one to a kitchen were dotted along the room's walls. He quickly jolted to his feet and scanned the immediate area, "What the?" The entire living room was trashed, garbage found its way to every nook and cranny available. Pizza boxes and empty kegs littered the damp floor. The couch was torn in half and the television in front of it sported a wooden chair smashed through the screen.
"Oh, hey, you're awake," The Shadow Android leaned against the doorway to the bathroom with a toothbrush in his mouth.
Metal Sonic rubbed his robotic temples, "Android, what happened last night?"
"What? Don't you remember?" Android furrowed a brow, "We threw the best banger this side of Westopolis."
Metal shook his head, "Yeah, yeah, I remember that, but how did I end up on the floor? I can't remember anything past like ten thirty."
Android chuckled, "Yeah, Xanax will do that to ya."
Metal Sonic turned to him in shock, "What!? I told you to watch my drink!"
Android pulled the toothbrush out of his mouth, "Oh yeah, I totally snuck 'em in when you were in the john."
"Dude, what the hell!?"
Android shrugged his shoulders, "See? You need to chill out," He smirked, "I just nudged you in the right direction."
Metal Sonic crossed his arms and glared at his fellow robot, "I could've been seriously hurt!"
"I took care of you! Why are you freaking out?"
Metal clenched is fists, "Took care of me? You left me face down on the floor!"
"Yeah, you looked so peaceful."
"I could've suffocated!"
"You don't even have lungs."
Metal Sonic relaxed himself, "Yeah, true. My bad. I'm sorry for overreact- Wait a second! Why am I apologizing to you for drugging me!?"
Android was taken aback, "Whoa now, drugging is a bit of an exaggeration."
"It literally isn't, dude! I can press charges!" Metal was ready to throttle his best friend.
"We don't have rights."
Metal Sonic stood in surprise, "Oh... That's, uh... wow."
"Yeah."
He rubbed his metallic chin, "Really?"
"Really, really."
"Someone should do something about that. Why are you even brushing your teeth? They're made of steel."
Android glanced down to the red toothbrush, on the end was a tiny etching of Dr. Eggman, "Yeah, I don't know," He tossed it aside and made his way to the ruined couch, "So what are we doing today?" He looked toward his bro and popped a squat on what was left of the couch, "We could look at my collection of old medical journals. Some nice lookin' gals in there let me tell you."
"Nah, we did that last Thursday..."
"We could watch TV," Android looked at the flat screen in horror, "Dude, what? Who throws a chair through a TV!?" He ran up to his beloved appliance to get a better look at the damage.
"Yo, yo, yo, what is up my fools!?" A heavily tattooed motobug wearing a dark green do-rag stormed into the living room.
Android ecstatically stood up from kneeling with a grin stretching ear to ear, "Yo, my favorite casually-racist stereotype! What's up Tyrone!"
The motobug, Tyrone, sped up to Android and delivered the meatiest secret handshake, "Ayo, B, that's me!"
"You my Badnik," Android bellowed.
Tyrone chortled, "Yeah man, and you my Badnik!"
Metal Sonic watched them closely, "Yeah, and you're both my Badniks!"
Tyrone and Android gave Metal Sonic a stare so sharp it could cut him in half, "Ay! That is our word!" Tyrone sped towards Metal Sonic, "Don you ever say that again, you salty ass cracker, ya hear me!?"
Metal Sonic's eye-display widened, "N-no I meant, uh, no wait! I'm not racist, I have friends that are motobugs!"
"Bruh, I don care 'bout no friends you got!" Tyrone got in Metal's face.
"Hey, t-take it easy, man," Metal shrunk back until he collided with the wall behind him as the agitated motobug advanced upon him.
Tyrone suddenly burst out laughing, "Aye, man, you shoulda seen yo face! Aaaaahahaha!"
Metal Sonic wiped the sweat off his forhead, "Uh, what?"
"Man, I was just playin, B. Boi, look at chu wit yo spiky ass blue hair lookin' like a Goku wannabe ass," Tyrone chuckled as he rolled away, "Ayo, Android, I'll catch you later, B," He shouted as he made his way out of the living room to the Egg Carrier's main hallway.
Metal Sonic was still having a minor panic attack against the living room's far wall, "Dude... what... the... hell..."
Android shrugged and cocked his head back, "I dunno, maybe don't be so bigoted, bro."
Metal threw his hands to his side, "I just wanted to be included!" He crossed his arms and tapped his foot out of frustration, "Whatever, I need a drink."
"Yeah, yeah, drink your problems away, like always!" Android shouted as Metal Sonic disappeared into the kitchen.
"Like always," Metal Sonic spat out, mimicking Android, "Whatever," He began rummaging through the suspiciously sticky cabinets looking for anything to quench his alcoholic thirst. Throwing packs of instant mashed potatoes and boxes of uncooked macaroni and cheese to the floor, "Aha!" Metal exclaimed with joy as he pulled out a delicate red bottle. He held the long bottle to his artificial eyes, examining his prize, "Cooking Sherry?' He looked up to the ceiling with disgust, "Am I really gonna sink that low?" He uncapped the bottle, "Yep."
He brought the bottle to his face, eager to take a sip, only to have it bounce off, "Oh, right... no mouth," He sighed and simply read the label on the bottle again.
"Hello friend..." An eerie voice washed over the room as the kitchen lights shut off. The door to the kitchen slammed shut, blocking it from the rest of the carrier.
Metal Sonic's bright eyes pierced against the fierce darkness, "Who in the hell?"
Another set of red eyes manifested in the corner of the room, "What is the in your hand?" The voice called out to Metal Sonic, ripping through his very soul.
"It's, uh... Holland House... Cooking... Sherry," He held the bottle in front of him in the cold darkness.
Metal heard the voice take a slow breath, "I said what is it!?" The voice boomed, startling Metal Sonic.
Quivering, he reponded, "It's... a fortified wi- Oh my God!" A ceramic plate flew towards Metal, striking him in the forehead and sending him to the ground, "Jesus Christ, who are you!?"
The eyes seemed to lift up in the air, "We are Legion; for we are many!" The voice bellowed, "You will be assimilated, or you will perish!" The lights flickered to give Metal Sonic a glimpse of a mass of tentacles on the other side of them room.
"Oh, holy sh-"
"Will you join us or die? Join. Die. Join. Die."
Metal Sonic gripped the head of his wine bottle firmly, "Aaaaaah!" He smashed it off the ground and rushed the demonic presence, "Kill! Kill! Kill!" He thrust his sharp, broken bottle into the being as quickly as he could. He delivered a swift kick to its center mass, knocking it to the floor. Metal Sonic quickly straddled on top of it, "Wolverines!" Metal shouted as he threw punch after punch towards the eyes of the beast.
"Ow! Geeze! Okay, stop! Stop!" The demon's previously terrifying voice was replaced with something... squeakier. The lights returned to the room and Metal Sonic gazed upon his prey.
"Tails Doll?" Metal throw one more punch for certainty, cracking his robo-knuckles off Tails Doll's stuffed head. After confirming his identity, he stood up and brushed himself off. He took a glance at the liquid that now covered the kitchen floor, "You know you just made me waste a lot of freaking wine," He looked back at Tails Doll, clenching his fist, "And you broke my commemorative Twinkle Park dinner plate!"
Tails Doll regained his composure, "Okay, first off, it's Legion now," Tails Doll, er, Legion continued, "And second, you need to cut back on all the heavy drinking, okay?"
"I'm going to actually murder you."
"Fool! You cannot murder a god!" Legion laughed as he rose into the air.
"You little-" Metal Sonic aggressively reached for Legion.
Tails Doll pulled out a small navy blue sack, "Pocket sand!" He threw a fist full of sand into Metal Sonic's eyes.
Metal growled, "I don't have actual eyes," The metallic door to the kitchen slid open, distracting Metal and allowing for Legion's escape. He flew into an air duct in the kitchen, never to be seen again. For like a week.
"You good?" Android shouted from the living room.
"No, did you not hear what was happening in here!?"
"Nah, I did but, like... I figured you had it handled."
"Yeah, thanks bro," Metal Sonic shouted rhetorically. His quest for drink turning up fruitless, Metal Sonic returned to the living room.
Android had tried his best to sprawl himself upon the demolished couch, "What's all over your eyes?"
"Long story," The bottom of Metal's eyes sprayed a fine mist of water onto the screen while two wipers descended from the top and wiped away the sand.
"Awh, you have little car wipers. That's adorable."
"Shut up."
Android stretched out his arms and legs, "We should get new furniture."
"That's a really good idea," Metal put his hands on his hips and surveyed their living quarters, "How close are we from the nearest city?"
Android popped up, "Oh! Can we go to IKEA? I freakin' love IKEA with the little food court and stuff!"
The room shook as the Egg Carrier rumbled slightly, blinking yellow lights began flooding the room.
Intruder alert, level three breached.
The ship's alarm system alerted the crew of an impending fight. Android huffed, "Ugh, dude, her voice is so hot!"
"The PA system?"
"Hell yeah, dude."
Intruder alert, level three breached.
Metal Sonic stood still for a moment, "Yeah, you're right."
Android remained in his position on the couch, "What do you think she looks like?"
"What?"
"Like if she was a person, what would she look like?"
"Hmm... You ever see that movie Passengers?"
Android rubbed his chin, "The one in space, right?"
Metal Sonic nodded, "Yeah, she probably looks like the chick in that."
"Jennifer Lawrence?"
"Oh yeah, her."
Android tossed the idea around in his head, "Yeah, the PA system probably looks like Jennifer Lawrence."
"Hell yeah, bro," Metal and Android high-fived.
Tyrone quickly drifted back into the room, leaving skid marks as he almost tipped over. A squad of four Egg Pawns armed with lances followed him, "Yo, game over, dawgs!" He slammed down a hazard lever to lock the room's metallic door from the rest of the Egg Carrier, "We need to get out of here!"
"What's the hurry?" Android asked as emergency sirens, gunfire, and shouting could be heard from outside.
"Sir, Unit 918 reporting in," One Egg Pawn stepped forward and saluted, "There's no stopping them! They took out most of our weapons already!" The metallic door buckled in the shape of a fist as the intruding being punched it.
"Metal! Android! We need to get off this freakin' plane!" Tyrone pleaded with the two.
"There should be escape pods in the East Wing," Metal Sonic began retreating from the door as the figure punched it again, "Uh, uh, on the fifth floor!"
Tyrone squinted at Metal, "Boi, shut up wit yo Blue Guy Fieri lookin' ass. Oversized Smurf lookin' ass."
"Dude. Bro. Dudebro. How are we gonna get to the fifth floor?" Android inquired watching as their enemy continued pounding on the door, making considerable progress.
Metal Sonic thought for a second, this might be it, his artificial life was coming to an end. Wait, no, there's always a way, "Air duct..." He muttered to himself, "Air duct. Air duct! We can climb out through the kitchen!" Metal grabbed Android by the arm and picked up Tyrone with his free hand.
"Ayo, I ain't like that, put me down!" Tyrone yelled in protest. Metal let his friends down and instantly pulled the emergency lock for the kitchen door.
"Wait, sir!" The Egg Pawns tried catching up, "Wait for-" The door slammed in their faces.
The Egg Pawns silently looked at each other, the sound of emergency sirens the only thing they could hear, "I guess this is it, huh?" One piped up.
Unit 918 stepped aside from the group, "It very may well be," He readied his lance, "Nevertheless, it's been an honor to serve with you all. It's been an honor to call you all brothers."
"You too, 918," Another Egg Pawn responded, the rest nodded in agreement.
Unit 918 chuckled and the group of Egg Pawns aimed their lances toward the door, "But this is where we hold them! This is where we fight!" He took one last look at his brothers, "And this is where they die! Remember this day, for it will be ours for all time!"
The door finally gave way and flew off its mechanical hinges, striking down one of the Egg Pawns, "Charge!" The rest shouted and ran lance first toward the intruder.
It was a bloodbath. None survived the onslaught.
Meanwhile, Metal Sonic stood upon Android's shoulders hastily trying to pull himself into the air duct, "Boi, if you don get cho fat hedgehog ass up there!" Tyrone shook his robotic bug arm thing at his fellow mechanical being.
"Seriously, do you not hear the carnage outside?" Android grunted as Metal stepped on his head.
"Bro, it's really cramped up here!"
"Nah, you just an unhealthy badnik. Hit the treadmill sometime, my dude."
Metal Sonic looked back, "Please don't call me the b-word, that makes me really uncomfortable."
Tyrone laughed hysterically, "Oh but yo racist ass used that word left and right like ten minutes ago!"
"Guys! Stop wasting time, we-" The door to the kitchen blew open, knocking Android and Metal down.
A cloud of dust and debris concealed their attacker's identity. The three robots desperately crawled their way to the far corner of the kitchen, keeping their eyes locked on the open doorway. Heavy footsteps assaulted their audio receptors and the figure slowly walked towards them, "Metal Sonic... Before I destroy you, tell me where is the doctor?"
Metal Sonic was overcome with absolute fear, "Bros... Its, uh, it's Shadow."
"Aw, hell naw!" Tyrone closed his eyes, "Just make it quick, bruh! I ain't done nothin' to nobody!"
Shadow revealed himself to the trio, his piercing red eyes were locked on Metal Sonic, "I asked you a question."
Android brought his hands together and bowed, "God, I know I haven't really talked to you, but please don't let me die."
Shadow paused looking at the unusual creature. It looked exactly like him, but instead of his red accents they were... yellow? "You..." He pointed at Android, "Who... what are you?"
Android furrowed a brow. He looked at his friends, then back at Shadow, "What? Uh, you don't remember me?"
"Are you a faker!?" Shadow took a combat ready stance, but suddenly relaxed himself, "Am I... a faker?"
Android rolled his eyes, "Oh God, not this again."
"What am I? A weapon? A machine!?" Shadow continued.
Android leaned back against the cabinets behind him, "Yeah, this guy does this every time I see him."
Metal Sonic, still shocked, looked at Android, "Wow."
"Where's that damn fourth Chaos Emerald!" Shadow grabbed his head, "Augh, Maria!"
The trio simply watched as the black hedgehog had an existential crisis, "Should we go?" Metal motioned to the door.
"No... No!" Shadow regained his composure, "You're not going anywhere! Not with that faker!"
Android scoffed, "Hey, asshole, maybe you're the faker."
Shadow shook his head, "No, there's no way!"
"Fakersaywhat?"
Shadow cocked his head, "What?"
"Bingo," Android snapped at Shadow.
Shadow growled, "You pest! I'll kill you!" He bolted towards the group, making all three flinch with terror. Shadow stepped in a puddle of the cooking sherry Metal Sonic had spilled earlier, and lost his footing. Shadow let out a quick yelp, tripped, and cracked his forehead off the kitchen counter with enough force to break off a large chunk of marble. He slid along the floor into a pile of glass from the wine bottle, eventually ending up limp in front of the three.
The three were still full of horror and simply watched this event unfold. Their beady, fearful eyes gazed upon Shadow's lifeless body in front of them, "Dude..." Android looked at his counterpart.
Metal Sonic blinked a few times, "WHAT THE FU-"
[Insert Seinfeld credits theme]
