Draco Malfoy's Diary Of Ways To Kill, Maim or Torture Harry Potter
Summary: Draco Malfoy hates Harry Potter (well durr…) Diary of Draco Malfoy from 3rd year with different ways to kill, maim or torture Harry Potter (sworn enemy extraordinaire).
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. J.K. got filthy rich from creating them.
Dedication: to Nina as she was the one that wanted me to write a draco fic and wants me to do a chaptered one and then a sequel...
-------------
September 5th
Hogwarts School of Evilness and Mastery
The Holy Room of All that is Powerful (Draco's Bedroom)
--------------
I, Draconis Artemis Lucius Ponniekins Malfoyitis the 16th, have decided to write a diary.
I know – bow down in horror and awe of my amazing brain power as it is so obviously much larger then yours...
I came up with this amazing and awe inspiring idea when I discovered that somehow, my humungous, giganticbrain did not have the capacity to contain all my thoughts and wishes on different ways to Kill, Maim or Torture the already hideous Harry Potter.
Harry Potter, the thorn in my otherwise perfect backside, is my only TRUE enemy – there fore you must hate him to! MWAH HA HA HA HA!
Ways to kill Harry Potter
1.murder with throwing axe used by Vikings in the 10th Century.
2. drown in a well (would he fit – his head is far to big…)
3.slowly kill Dumbledore and then the apparently all mighty Harry Potter will bow to my will (if he doesn't die first from loosing his all famous and wealthy and loving icon or addorance).
NOTE TO SELF: Make addorance a word as soon as possible so that people reading this diary (as the most definitely will when I have finally fulfilled my ONLY DREAM OF KILLING HARRY POTTER well, actually that isn't my only dream… just one of many… and the highest on the list… ) will understand my complete genius at coming up with such a cool cool word…
4. attack violently with sharp nails conveniently filed into talons (not my own, god – I don't want pieces of him stuck under my nails…)
5. drown in cauldron of pigs blood and toad entrails (go Draco – you can think of the most gruesome stuff!)
6. I could always order Crabbe to urinate in his mouth but I don't actually wish that on anyone considering that you never know 'Where That's Been ©'
Homework –
Stupid Transfiguration Essay – why can't McGonagall ever 'Give Us A Break'©! We KNOW this – god, even stupid smart arse Mudblood Granger would be annoyed by now. She's probably practising to. Stuff Potter. Stuff Granger
7. drop Mudblood Granger's bag of heavy Arithmacy text books on his groin and feet.
Potions Essay on Dung Beetle Properties – Snape – now there's a teacher that you can rely on to punish Gryffindors to the largest extent that you can get away with. starts doing cheerleading dance for SnapeSNAPE, SNAPE, HE'S OUR MAN! IF HE CAN'T DO IT, NO ONE CAN! Cough, cough – okay, off the sugar. You never saw that. Or heard it. Or read it. OH STUFF IT! IT NEVER HAPPENED!
8. leave in a room with Snape for 20 years… smirks at own brilliant plan.
9. subject to an eternity of potions lesson with robot Snape who owns a cane… (sometimes I even amaze myself)
Care of Magical Creatures (get used to opening book) – of course that half giant would give us a bloody BITING book. GOD! IT BROKE MY NAIL! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW PAINFUL THAT IS! I do… And of course Potter hugs 'Stupid Half Giant' © every time he sees that 'Lump of Screwed Up Slime' ©.
10. set 'Stupid Biting Book' © on face and throat so as to slowly maul and punish potter for living. Stupid 'Boy Who Wouldn't Die' ©.
Any way, must go. Important torturing of 1st years to be done. They must learn to understand my power!
----------------
September 8th
Hogwarts School of Evilness and Slavery
Potions Chamber of Torture for Gryffindors
-----------------
At last a decent lesson with a proper teacher with 'Torturous Tendencies' © to wards Gryffindors.
I can feel an evil cackle coming on. Potter looks miserable. Serves him right. SANPE IS HOT TO GO! H-O-T-T-O-G-O! AHOUO! HOT TO GO! AHOU! HOT TO GO! That didn't happen. You never read it, glimpsed it, sung it, burped it, farted it, masturbated it, said it or ANYTHING! Got it! Good…
11. block his nose with beetle yes so he can only breath through his mouth for the rest of his life (go Draco – think dirrrrrty!)
12. subject to pictures of Peter Pettigrew doing a strip tease (ewww… even I wouldn't want to see such a thing.)
I remember this movie that I saw over the summer holidays – Titanic – yes that's it. It made me cry. But I had one really big question – how could she NOT break a nail during that movie! They were always perfect. I now want my nails like that. I'll ask my father for a manicure voucher in Hogsmeade for Christmas – I'll need it by then.
13.drown in a bottle of manicure substance – wait no – waste of good manicure mixture – hold up. That was never mentioned. Its Crossed out!
13.bury under piles of snow
oh well must get o with this charming potion that will cause warts. Hope to put some in Potters pants at some time or another but do not want to touch him. Ewww Potter germs…
AN: OKay -I tried to cross out the evil mistake of 13 but this evil evil evil document manager won't let me so yeah. its meant to be crossed out.
