A shady car drove through the woods, going at a speed that got the police pissed if they were ever there. Inside, the driver was keeping his tight focus on the road, while that other girl beside him kept flailing her arms around for no apparent reason.
"GO FASTER MR. CARMAN!"
"MY NAME IS CAIRMANE, ESPELLA!"
"BUT CARMAN SOUNDS MORE BADASS!"
Behind them, a suspicious trail of shadowy figures picked up speed, trying to catch up to the car ahead.
"OH GAHD THEY'RE CATCHING UP! WHATEVER SHALL WE DOOO?"
"THROW A ROCK AT THEM OR SOMETHING!" The man, supposedly named Cairmane, yelled at Espella.
She grabbed a rock from a plot hole and threw it at the figures.
Espella used Rock Throw!
It has no effect!
"Dammit, I forgot they're not Pokemon!" The driver cursed, checking his Pokedex and finding no results.
The figures then proceeded to cast what seemed to be a beam of magical light onto random statues in front of them, causing them to start moving, as if they were real human beings. Cairmane gasped.
"Oh my god THEY HAVE THE POWER OF JEZUS!"
The statues' heads were suddenly directed towards them, their arms and hands in a readied position.
"WHAT SHALL WE DO NAOW?!" Espella panicked, grabbing the collar of Cairmane's shirt and shaking him vigorously.
"I GOTTA IDEA! I'll give you a random letter and you go and try to find the person in it!"
"HOW DOES THAT HELP?" The girl wailed, clutching her blonde hair which was so perfect even in a dire situation like this, even Beyoncé would be jealous.
"I DON'T KNOW; IT'S WHAT'S WRITTEN IN THE SCRIPT!"
He then proceeded to chuck a random letter into Espella's face, breaking it. "NOW AFTER THIS, YOU GO FIND THAT MAN!"
"GAAAHD MY FACEEEEE" She hissed in agony.
"Since when did YOU become LUKE?"
"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!"
"ITS CALLED A REFERENCE TO ANOTHER FANFICTION!"
...
...
...
"Certainly doesn't help with YOU hanging out with CLIVE enough to BREAK THE FOURTH WALL!"
In the midst of all the chaos happening in the vehicle, the statue nonchalantly picked it up and watched it unfold.
"Drama bomb..." He whispered to the other statue.
Eventually it all stopped and the two passengers in the car only stared at the giant in front of them.
"WHAT IS THIS?" Espella screamed, face still broken. She looked over to Cairmane, who was currently trying to glue back the shattered simulation screen.
"THIS IS MADNESS!"
Fatal mistake.
"Madness...?" The statue started. The other one started to back away slowly, fearful.
THIS
IS
"Oh shi-"
SPARTAAAAAA!1!1!
The godlike statue then spartan-kicked the car into the nearest tree, pwning it to the max.
RIP
Tree
2014-2014
Then here was darkness.
Well, for Espella.
She came to quicker than Cairmane did, brushing off the dust on her perfectly perfect hair until it was restored to its glorious form.
Espella turned to face the car that stilled in a pwning position on the now pwned tree. Then to the ground around her. Then the tree. Ground. Tree. Ground. Tree. She looked like a freaking bobble-head at this point.
A dramatic spotlight suddenly came, shining upon her. Her blonde locks flowed with the wind and the music suddenly changed into the Game Of Thrones opening.
"I will find this man! I will fulfill the script!
I SHALL FULFILL MY DESTINY-"
"Yeah yeah, can we please move on? We need to film the next scene with that top hat dude and the porcupine head."
Espella glared daggers at the director and flipped him off before walking off the set.
