A/N: The following story is a crossover between Naruto and Mythbusters, but it is important to note that this is not about Adam Savage, Jamie Hyneman, or any other member or former member of their show. While the characters and themes in this story are directly inspired by them and their work, it does not claim to represent the views, opinions, morality, beliefs, or any other aspect of these very real (and in my mind, outstanding) people. This is a work of fiction, and all characters depicted are entirely fictional.
This also means that they will not inherently adhere to those same namesakes in terms of appearance or personality. Nor will they be subjected to what I will politely term "the dark side of fanfiction." This is about science, adventure, and most importantly, fun. Please note that the story is filed under humor. It will not be serious. At all. Some of this will reach science fiction levels of silly
I will also be a little looser with my research into the minutiae of the Naruto world. This is entirely for my own amusement, and combing through a wiki trying to make sure I avoid crushing canon in for my other story.
The immediate aftermath of the Kyuubi Attack in Konohagakure was a time of great unrest, suffering, and sadness. The actual damage to the village itself was minimal, but the price in lives was horrific. Heroes died during the battle, and none was mourned more than the fourth Hokage, Namikaze Minato.
And nobody mourned like Hatake Kakashi. After his father, then Obito… and Rin… he had hoped the scales of misery had been balanced, and that he might finally be left in peace. But now Minato-sensei was gone, sacrificed to save his village, as was Uzumaki Kushina. They weren't family… but in a way, they were.
The worst part was that Sarutobi Hiruzen had given him possibly the least engaging job in the village. It made D-Rank duty seem engrossing by comparison. Even walking dogs or digging trash out of the river was better. Or chasing that damned kitten the daimyo's wife kept losing, never mind why it always came to Konoha. The capitol was miles away!
But no, he got gate duty. His job, for at least the next week, was to slouch his way to the gate every morning at 8am. And what kind of hour was that for a respectable ninja? He should be an hour into his training routine at 8am!
Then he would be required to stand there (as Kakashi refused to use the chair set aside for him) for a mere eight hours, casually glancing at the paperwork provided by visitors while looking real close at the person handing it to him. Any enemy ninja who couldn't fake a written passport wouldn't be infiltrating them in the first place, so far better to watch for body language cues.
And then there was his temporary partner. Umino Iruka was polite to a fault, and he suffered the misconception that spending all day on guard duty required discussion amongst the guards to pass the time. Kakashi was content with the silence, but it was regularly broken by Iruka's incredible inability to shut up.
It was during the latest round of such thoughts that Iruka tapped him on the shoulder, not in some friendly manner, but in code, a quick triple tap to grab his attention. Kakashi's arm was already moving to brush him off when Iruka withdrew the hand and pointed, blessedly silent, at the road outside.
Two people were walking down the road. Both were strange even by Kakashi's generous measure, and he knew strange, it challenged him to a contest every morning.
The first figure was stocky by nature, barrel chested and muscular. He was dressed in simple robe so white it almost gleamed, marred by not a speck of dust despite the dry earth road he walked along. Upon his head he wore a strange cap, a largely flat piece of cloth that seemed to hold no purpose, and his face was hidden by a large, bushy moustache and round, dark glasses.
But what really drew Kakashi's eye was his walk. The man strode, quickly and efficiently. He needed to get somewhere, and he had to walk, so he set about that walk with as much efficiency as possible. He walked with carefully measured steps and looked like if he was left to his own devices, he would simply keep walking at the same pace until the journey stopped or he did.
Kakashi could not help but feeling a slight spark of admiration for the man just as methodical and precise as himself. But looking at the other man, Kakashi's mood soured as he was reminded of a friend long gone.
The other man was not measured, or methodical, or harsh. His pace changed with every other step, sometimes short and falling behind the pace of his companion, and sometimes longer, drawing him to the front. His arms moved irregularly as he did so, in part because of his apparent lack of control, and in part as he used them to emphasise whatever story he was telling as he walked, apparently to no effect to his listener.
This man was even more unusual in appearance. He wore dark blue pants made of some material that looked both thick and durable, and a large brown leather coat that almost touched his heels as he walked. But under that he wore a shirt that seemed oddly thin, with some sort of writing on it that Kakashi didn't recognize. He had a goatee framing his huge grin, and perched upon his head was an oddly cut hat, broad brimmed and slightly upturned to either side, as if even the hat was smiling with him. This effect was only made worse by the man's build, thin to the point of being gangly.
Kakashi and Iruka watched the two approach for some time, as they walked at a sedate civilian speed. As they drew closer, the skinny man stopped chatting at his companion and took to looking at the great gates of Konoha with what appeared to be a suitable level of awe.
They finally drew within easy speaking distance, and Kakashi stepped forward, hand out in the universal sign to halt. Both stopped walking. The skinny man started to fidget almost immediately. He kept glancing between Kakashi and Iruka, smiling cheerfully in that painful manner. But Kakashi was distracted from the pain by the stocky man.
The two of them locked eyes (well, eye, in Kakashi's case), and Kakashi immediately upgraded the man from harmless to potential threat. That man did not smile or nod or fidget. He looked at Kakashi, not as a potential friend or possible foe, but as a problem. A problem he was already thinking about solving.
Kakashi only knew one person in Konoha that had that same look in his eyes, and that man was one of the few that could command respect from him. Even the honorable Third did not have eyes so cold and precise.
After a few tense seconds, the thin man held out his hand at Kakashi, while chatting away in a strange and guttural language. His mouth stopped after a moment, then the hand dropped a moment later. "Sorry," he said after a moment, his accent strange. "Forgot where I was. Wrong language."
"Why have you come to Konohagakure?" asked Kakashi, waving away Iruka's stammering but polite request for the same information.
The stocky one spoke, his voice clear and his dictation flawless. "We come from a distant land, and have heard this… village… is well populated. We come seeking work."
"And what profession do you follow?"
The gangly one's grin intensified, approaching a level of enthusiasm to challenge Gai on even his worst day. Even the stocky one managed a small smile as they spoke together in perfect cadence.
"Science," they said.
"Specifically," said the stocky one, "I'm an engineer." At the blank look the two guards shared, he explained. "I make complex things. Buildings. Bridges. The means to turn both into rubble. Preferably with explosives."
"And I do the same thing," said the other, with a heavy and unguessable accent. "But I tend to be more focused on the theory. Math. Physics. Jokes based on the same. Although I tend to destroy things with power tools or by ramming them into other things at terminal velocity."
Kakashi made a snap decision and spoke, addressing the more reasonable looking one. "Anyone entering beyond a certain technical level must speak with the Hokage, especially outsiders. Come with me." An excuse, of course. Anyone so unusual as this pair was immediately flagged for interest in the first place. Normally, someone would shadow them for a bit, usually an ANBU on light duty. But these two were using words he associated with peaceable civilians in the manner that ninjas spoke of jutsu. They might be useful, or dangerous, or both.
He turned and started walking down the street, unsurprised to hear the sound on one set of footsteps matching his almost perfectly while another scramble to catch up.
The wait outside the Hokage's office turned out to be quite interesting.
The stocky one, who called himself Jaimi when asked, seemed nonplused. Having given his name and told to wait, he promptly sat in the nearest available chair and stopped moving. He was so still, so quiet, that Kakashi could not help but compare the man to a veteran ninja like himself. There was nothing to do but wait, so Jaimi waited.
The other one, Adamu, was anything but patient. He tried to strike up a conversation with the ninja doing the receptionist duty, and when the ninja did not react, he then tried to talk to Kakashi, who ignored him, and Jaimi, who would grunt on occasion but otherwise did not join in. For almost five minutes, he amused himself with a bit of metal wire from his pants pocket, bending it into an odd series of curves until he set it on the receptionist's desk and gave it a nudge, resulting in a complex and somewhat interesting moving sculpture. Eventually, Adamu started to wander the waiting room, stopping to examine each wall scroll, potted plant, and even the walls and ceilings.
Then he stopped and stared at the wall directly behind the waiting room chairs. "Are you guys aware someone is using a gap in the wall here to spy on people?" He pointed at a corner opposite the entry to the Hokage's office, where a potted plant ran from floor almost to the ceiling.
Kakashi straightened and looked at the man. He was staring at the wall with a degree of focus that seemed out of place for him. "What makes you say that?" Kakashi asked, smiling as if he was about to hear a joke.
"I can see a thin separation between the walls, which continues along the ceiling and floor, and the pattern on the wallpaper is just slightly off between the two sections. So I am guessing it's a secret door of some sort, and I am guessing it's used regularly, as the plant in this corner is much healthier than the others, gets a lot of carbon dioxide from the crack I am guessing. It's also the only really tall plant in here. Concealment, right?"
Kakashi did not confirm or deny the statement, but he snuck a glance at Jaimi and saw the man smirking quietly under his facial hair. He turned to look at Kakashi, and the edges of his eyes crinkled in an eye smile that the ninja knew well before glancing up at the tiled ceiling, right where the second ANBU station was.
More concerning was their reaction, or lack thereof. Neither man tensed, nor did they take on the sudden relaxation most ninja used (and overreacted with) to cover up their surprise. They both just continued on as if they had nothing to worry about.
Adamu continued to wander, pointing out all the hiding places with what appeared to be growing enthusiasm. He seemed especially excited over the drop away floor directly in front of the Hokage's door, impressed over how well concealed and balanced it was.
Jaimi, meanwhile, had come out of his silent state. He didn't move from his chair, but his eyes wandered, examining the room minutely, mumbling to himself every once in awhile when he spotted another station.
Kakashi had some doubts previously about bringing these two to the Hokage, but those doubts were now put to rest. Many ninja would notice one or two of the hidden hatches and panels, but between the two of these strange men, they had spotted every single secret that Kakashi knew of, and a couple he did not. These two were either useful or dangerous, and it was beyond his pay grade to decide how to treat them.
Almost as if a result of his thoughts, the door to the Hokage's office opened silently, almost bouncing off of Adamu's face, as he had been examining the door when it opened.
"The Hokage will see you now," said one of the supposedly concealed ninja. ANBU was usually quite good at hiding their emotions, but Kakashi was almost certain he heard irritation in the woman's voice.
"Welcome to Konohagakure. I am the Third Hokage, Sarutobi Hiruzen." He waved his hand at the two chairs across his desk. Both men glanced at Kakashi, and when he made no move to sit, they remained standing as well. Hiruzen took this in stride. These would hardly be the first visitors he entertained that didn't know or didn't care about the bland politeness of high level politics, but their effort to check what their escort was doing implied a quite unusual degree of sense. "What brings you to my village?" His eyes darted momentarily to Kakashi as he spoke to the two, asking the real question with his glance. Why are they here?
"Upon applying for entry, they mentioned being engineers and mathematicians. They also spoke of being able to destroy bridges and buildings. I suspected you may wish to speak to them yourself, Hokage-sama."
Hiruzen stared at Kakashi, waiting for him to go on. Kakashi coughed. "They also got bored while waiting and started pinpointing all of the hidey holes in the waiting room. Even a couple I never spotted."
At this, Hiruzen's eyebrow rose, and he leaned back to fiddle with his pipe. "How is it you managed to spot those locations? Are you sensors, by any chance?"
Adamu cleared his throat and stepped forward, taking his hat off as he did and holding it in front of him. "No, ahh, Hokage… sama? We build things by trade, often complex things. As craftsmen, we tend to notice little details. At first, I thought they were just discrepancies, possibly from the local building style or patchwork or the building settling, but they were a little too straight and regular to be random. Uhh… Hokage-sama."
From where he stood, Jaimi piped up. "And once we realized the waiting room was also a screening room, it made a bit more sense as an intended security feature, so we started trying to think up how we would set such a room up to search for more options."
"Kinda surprised at the trap door in the middle," said Adamu with a grin. "Unless it's some sort of pit trap, I can't imagine any guard could get out of there fast enough to be useful."
Hiruzen tapped his pipe thoughtfully against the palm of his hand. "Tell me, do you think you could improve on the design of the waiting room, make it more secure?"
The two men exchanged a glance, and Jaimi shrugged and said, "Probably. We wouldn't know until we got in and had a look. We could probably conceal things a little better."
"I know we could probably make a lockout system, so if the guards need to keep someone out, the door to your office locks down. Depending on local laws and how dangerous your visitors can be, might be able to design some more proactive measures…" Adamu's face lit up with a huge grin, glancing at Jaimi and getting a smirk in return.
Hiruzen was no stranger to the depths of obsession, nor did he forget just how much his village benefited from people like Kakashi and Gai and the like. Shinobi were often obsessive in their own little way, and that's how they got good at their jobs.
"I think I'd like to hire you as civilian security consultants. You seem to have keen minds, and it would not hurt to have someone fresh to look over our procedures as well ." And hopefully, you'll prove to be sensible enough to keep secrets in life so you won't keep them in death. I'll need someone to keep an eye on them, someone willing and able to act if needed, but still young enough to appear relatively harmless. And I know just the ninja for that…
Kakashi shivered as Hiruzen looked at him, and gleam in his eye that spoke volumes. Dammit. Babysitting duty.
Next chapter: Ninja can what?4
A/N: A few minor changes for clarification were made from the original. Consistent use of the name spelling variation, partially because I want to distance Adamu and Jaimi from their real world counterparts.
