Lonely

By K. Lira

It was the one feeling I thought I knew. From dawn to the dusk; my only companion. Funny isn't it? It only took one glimpse from you to know I was wrong. I wasn't lonely… At least not until I met you.

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Loneliness – the feeling of emptiness; solitude. Believing that the void inside can never be filled. Night after night, eyes wide open, the emotions rush back in. Sleep holds no reprieve. Not for the lonely. Not for the weak.

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It was before I met you - the first time I ever felt alone. It was years ago but the memories still burn fresh and the emotions linger. The nights spent ill or with a pillow drenched in tears. I was young, naïve, but nevertheless in love.

Love has been defined many times over. There is no right or wrong way; no set rules. Some say it's a game of chance. I like to think of it more as a game for fools. And there I was, one of the biggest fools, I fell in love. Or so I thought.

Never had I heard their voice, or seen their face. All I had of were hopes and conversation upon conversation scrawled across my flickering monitor. I dedicated two and a half years of my life to a person I'm not even sure exists. As they say fools rush in. They should add that idiots keep going.

The ache has dulled; my first "love" past. Though I regret it, I would never change it. Real or not the experience caused me to grow as an individual. It taught me many lessons that can only be learned through such a manner. Trip once, chances are you'll forget. Trip repeatedly and the bruises are still fresh enough to remind you to be more careful.

After that I began to tread lightly, watching my every step as a hawk stalks its prey. Such precision. Such grace. Once was enough for me; I need not have the lesson repeated.

So I locked away my heart from the world. Swore to never again be so foolish as to let it beat for another. All I wanted was for someone to love me simply for who I was – cuts, bruises and all. All I wanted… was impossible.

When I first met you all the loneliness that had built within me dissipated. During the small walks with you, the casual drinks… to you we were friends but to me? My heart had surfaced and for some strange reason I couldn't force it back down. The image of you I couldn't erase.

The more time we spent together the lonelier I grew. You were everything a person could ask for. Rough around the edges, inside you were nothing but a gentle soul with a weak spot that I was determined to find.

Before I knew it our time together came to a close. When the snow melts - giving way to spring - new life blossoms.

Locked away in my room I dreaded the gentle breeze and blooming flowers. To me it signaled the end. All the late nights spent relentlessly teasing you while in the same instance pressing you to study… those would cease to exist soon. Everything I had come to cherish in the short months was soon to slip from my grasp and disappear forever.

So on the last night we spent together, when you stepped closer and wrapped your arms about me… it took every fiber in my body to just keep myself stitched together. The moment you left, driving off into the night, a fresh batch of tears fell.

Unlike my first love, I could hear your voice. Your touch was as soft as silk. Your actions louder than thunder. The last drive we shared together would be the last time I would ever be that close to you. You, with your gruff exterior had captured and run off with my heart. The heart I had locked away.

Now as I lay here, gaze guided upward, I wonder what you're doing. Continually I glance over to my cellular device. It's just a few numbers… a few minutes… But I know you won't pick up. You never do. Every night, as the moon rises higher and higher into the sky, the loneliness creeps in, once again taking hold. Without you here by my side there is no end to this eternal emptiness. Without you…