A/N: Hello, everyone! This story is actually inspired by Haru Haru by Big Bang. I love, love, love that song and Big Bang, so I really wanted to write a story like it. Some stuff is different than the plot line of the MV, but there is still a ton of inspiration from it. ^^
If you haven't heard it, here is the link to it with English subtitles (Fanfiction is being an ass, so please put youtube dot com before it, sorry): /watch?v=fO8F7lDhbAM
I hope I made this super angst filled and depressing enough for you guys, hahaha. 8D
Also, as a warning, this does have character death, violence, and implied sex. I rated it M just to be safe.
Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia...
Please enjoy!
Leave
Yeah, Finally I realize that I am nothing without you
I was so wrong, forgive me
Ah ah ah ah
My broken heart like a wave
My shaken heart like a wind
My heart vanished like smoke
It can't be removed like a tattoo
I sigh deeply as if a ground is going to cave in
Only dusts are piled up in my mind
Say goodbye
Yeah, I thought I wouldn't be able to live even one day without you
But somehow I managed to live on longer than I thought
You don't answer anything as I cry out "I miss you"
I hope for a vain expectation but now it's useless
What is it about that person next to you, did he make you cry?
Dear can you even see me, did you forget completely?
I am worried, I feel anxiety because I can't get close nor try to talk to you
I spend long nights by myself, erasing my thoughts a thousand times
Don't look back and leave
Don't find me again and live on
Because I have no regrets from loving you, take only the good memories
I can bear it in some way
I can stand in some way
You should be happy if you are like this
I become dull day by day
Oh girl I cry, cry
You're my all, say goodbye...
If we pass by each other on the street
Act like you didn't see me and go the way you were walking to
If you keep thinking about our past memories
I might go look for you secretly
Always be happy with him, so I won't ever get a different mind
Even smallest regret won't be left out ever
Please live well as if I should feel jealous
You should always be like that bright sky, like that white cloud
Yes, you should always smile like that as if nothing happened
I hope your heart fees relieved
Please forget about me and live on
Those tears will dry completely
As time passes by
It would've hurt less if we didn't meet at all
Hope you will bury our promise of being together forever baby
I pray for you
Oh girl I cry, cry
You're my all, say goodbye, bye
Oh my love don't lie, lie
You're my heart, say goodbye
Haru Haru -Big Bang
Arthur sighed as he rolled over in bed, unable to sleep. The moonlight softly shone through the window, illuminating the figure next to him. He sighed and turned to look at Kiku, who was sleeping peacefully. The light highlighted his pale, beautiful skin and his raven black hair.
This was Kiku's last night in London before he left to move back to Tokyo, Japan, his hometown. The loneliness already hung over Arthur like a dark cloud, the bitter reality setting in. They probably wouldn't see each other for a long while. As Arthur lay his hand against the other's cheek, he closed his eyes, wishing for more time. He loved Kiku, and he didn't want to let him go, because even a day without Kiku was grim.
As the dreaded morning came, Arthur cursed to himself, Fuck you morning, go away. He got up out of bed, sighing. He put on a robe, covering his bare body, and trudged toward the kitchen. Kiku had his bags all packed, ready to leave for the airport. The Englishman started to brew tea, sitting down at the table on the wooden chairs, waiting for Kiku to wake up. After a while, he heard rustling in his bedroom as Kiku got up. Several minutes later, Kiku came out, fully dressed.
"Hello, Arthur," Kiku said, shyly, embarrassment tinged his quiet voice.
Arthur gave him a small smile, Kiku was always embarrassed the morning after. It was kind of cute, actually. "You are already set to go?" he asked, looking at the clock. They still had a few hours before they had to get to the airport.
"Yes, I just don't want to be late," Kiku said, sitting across from Arthur at the table.
"Tea?" Arthur offered, but Kiku shook his head. "You're not going to eat anything?"
"I'll get something at the airport."
Arthur hated these kind of conversations, where both speakers could barely keep it going. He sighed, gripping the porcelain tea cup, and asked, "When will I get to see you again?"
"We can see each other in winter...or in spring," Kiku offered with a shrug.
It seemed so far away for Arthur, who frowned, getting up from the table, "I'll go change, then."
Soon enough, the two were headed to the airport. Kiku looked out the window at the summer flowers and green trees in the London streets. He would miss Arthur a lot, but Kiku knew that he had to go back to Tokyo. University was over, and now Kiku needed a job to get himself started. He leaned back against the seat, turning his head to face Arthur. Kiku was miss him...a lot.
As they pulled up to the airport, Arthur helped Kiku get his bags from the back of his car. Arthur leaned down to give Kiku a kiss, so hugged him softly.
This was it, the last time they would see each other for months. Kiku stared Arthur's sad green eyes, waving, "Goodbye, Arthur. I love you...don't worry, we'll see each again before we know it."
"Bye, Kiku, I...I love you, too," Arthur said, watching the short Japanese man walk away, losing him in the busy airport crowd.
Arthur sighed. The heavy loneliness sank in, suffocating him. He was nothing without Kiku.
"Hi, Arthur! I'm so glad that you can visit me over Christmas, I think you will love Tokyo!" Kiku said over the phone, telling Arthur about his plans for his trip to Tokyo to visit Kiku.
Arthur smiled at Kiku's apparent enthusiasm, "I'm just happy to see you, Kiku. Don't worry too much, I'm sure I'll have a good time."
"O-okay..." Kiku's voice wavered, then he quickly added, "I have to go, I'll meet you at the airport on Friday! Bye." Kiku hung up before Arthur could say anything else.
"What was that about?" Arthur asked, puzzled, as he set down his phone. It sounded like something was wrong...but he couldn't think of anything that it could be.
Over the past few months, Arthur had somehow managed his lonely life, day by day, getting by without Kiku. Sure, they talked on the phone, but it really wasn't the same. So Arthur was excited to finally see his love in person, after months of being apart. He looked at the corner of the room, spotting the suitcases. He was already packed, ready for the long flight to Japan. As long as he could see Kiku, he didn't mind any flight time. Arthur would do anything for Kiku.
Arthur smiled as the plane took off, leaving London behind, heading for the bustling city of Tokyo. His waiting would finally pay off, as he would be seeing Kiku in 12 hours. Arthur couldn't sit still the entire time, and he hadn't gotten any sleep. He finally made his way through customs, and as he made his way through the crowd, he scanned around to find Kiku. There he was, near the exit doors. Arthur's eyes widened as he spotted the short, waving Japanese man. Both men's faces quickly lit up in smiles as they nearly ran toward each other.
When Arthur got to Kiku, he engulfed him in a hug, lifting him up and swinging him around. At that moment, everything was perfect in Arthur's world - the sweet smell of Kiku, his softness, everything. The hole in Arthur's chest was gone, filled with the presence of Kiku. He didn't even notice the jet-lag from the flight, or the other people around him. All that mattered was Kiku and him.
"Kiku, I love you," Arthur said, smiling like an idiot, "Oh God...I've just missed you so much."
Kiku smiled, "I love you and I've missed you too, Arthur. Here, come with me, I'll drive you to my apartment."
Arthur looked at Kiku before they started to head to the car. He looked thinner, and his skin was even more pale than before. If Arthur didn't know any better he would think Kiku was sick. It made him worried, but they could talk about it later.
The blond followed Kiku to the car, and put his bags in the trunk before getting in the passenger seat. The thing about Kiku's driving was that he drove excruciatingly slow. Arthur knew Kiku was all about 'safety first', but seriously, he drove slow. As they seemed to crawl down the rode, Arthur looked out the window as soon as they entered Tokyo. Magnificent, tall buildings lined the horizon. He looked as Tokyo Tower came into view. Everything was lit up, piercing through the night. It was glorious.
"Wow, Kiku, this is...impressive," he said in awe.
"I'm glad you like it," Kiku responded, pulling into a small parking lot, "We have arrived. Come with me, I'll lead you up to my apartment. Sorry, it's small, but after all, we are in Tokyo."
Arthur got his bags, following the shorter male into the tall building, onto the elevator. It seemed as if they were in there forever, but as it stopped, Kiku turned to the left, stopping at the first door. He turned the key, leading into the apartment.
"Here we are," he said, spinning around to face Arthur.
It was super small, but tastefully decorated in modern, Zen style. "I really like it," Arthur said, setting his bags down in the corner of the little bedroom/living room.
"Wait, this is the best part," Kiku said, pointing to the balcony. He opened the sliding door, revealing the city landscape of Tokyo right outside of his balcony. The lights of nearby buildings illuminated the two, looking all around. Arthur was startled by the view, and as he looked straight ahead, he spotted Tokyo Tower, shooting up into the sky in wonder with its red and white lights.
Yet, all the beauty of Tokyo didn't even compare to the person right next to him. He could be in paradise, and Kiku's beauty would still outweigh everything. He observed as the short man looked around at the city, with a little smile pasted on his face. Kiku's skin clung to his bones, highlighting his thinness.
"Kiku, are you alright? You look different from the last time I saw you," Arthur asked with a worried tone.
"Me? Yeah, I'm fine. It's been several months since we've seen each other, after all," he replied, shrugging. Arthur noticed a small hint of sadness in Kiku's dark eyes, but he decided against commenting on it.
They headed back into the main room of the apartment, shutting the door to the balcony. This was the moment Arthur had been waiting for. He closed the gap between them, tasting Kiku's sweet lips. Kiku dug his fingers into Arthur's messy blond hair, and hugged him tightly. Giving up to their desire, they fell on the bed together. Soon they were exploring each other, just like they had done months ago on the night before Kiku had left. Pleasure enveloped both of them as they lay there, bare bodies pressed together.
"I love you," Arthur whispered to Kiku, kissing him on the forehead before falling asleep, the jet lag hitting him.
"Aishiteru," he whispered. He really loved Arthur, and he didn't want to let him go. Kiku sighed as he looked out the window towards Tokyo Tower. Kiku didn't have much time, and he knew what he had to do, no matter how painful it would be. Would Arthur forgive him?
As they walked along the full Tokyo sidewalks, Kiku looked up at Arthur, "Have you been having a good time?"
"Of course!" he said, "I just don't want to leave."
Arthur had been in Tokyo for a little less than two weeks, but everyday had been busy with Kiku. It seemed as though there wasn't enough time in the day to fit everything in. Tomorrow he would be departing, and he was dreading the end of his trip. He knew that it would be even an even longer time before he would get to see Kiku again.
Since tonight was his last night, Kiku had decided they would visit Tokyo Tower. As the small elevator started to climb up the tower, letting them see the full span of Tokyo. When they reached the top, they walked around, looking down at the seemingly tiny cars rushing about on the cramped freeways. Arthur smiled, reaching down to hold Kiku's small hand. He couldn't help but hold on to the last few moments of being with Kiku.
However, the loneliness was already starting to creep up on him.
As Arthur got out of Kiku's car, he remembered last night. It reminded him of when Kiku had left London. They had savored the pleasure of exploring each other's bodies. Yet as Arthur stood in front of the airport's entrance, it pained him to think of leaving Kiku again.
"I'm going to miss this," Kiku said.
"Miss what?" Arthur said, looking down in confusion.
"Arthur, do you really love me?" Kiku asked, looking up with painfully sad eyes.
"Of course I do! I will love you forever!" Arthur said, defensively, "What is this about, Kiku?"
"If you love me, you'll forgive me," he said, looking away from the Englishman, "Arthur, we can't keep doing this. I'm sorry, but goodbye forever."
Arthur stared in shock, Kiku wouldn't even look at him. "W-what do you mean? Was the sex bad? Is that it?"
"No, Arthur. I can't do this to you anymore - I'll only cause you pain. Please forget about me, please hate me," Kiku looked back into Arthur's green eyes. They were filled with pain and shock. It hurt Kiku to have to go this, but he had to be strong. For Arthur. "Goodbye."
Arthur stared blankly as Kiku walked away, getting lost in the crowd of people. Nausea was creeping its way into Arthur, as he slowly turned around. He didn't know what happened for the next twelve hours, but he was back in London before he knew it. He smashed his keys down upon entering his apartment. He threw his suitcases across the room, knocking over chairs in the process.
He tore through his apartment, messing everything up. He threw a chair at his full length mirror, watching the glass shatter into a million tiny shards. It was just like his life: shattered. He had trusted Kiku, and Arthur had been betrayed. Kiku had all of his feelings in his hands, and he had crushed Arthur into a million pieces. Now Arthur was lost - lost in his mind, lost in life. He didn't know what to do anymore. To be honest, he didn't care anymore.
He didn't even know what was happening still, and as Arthur crashed down on his bed, the sad reality set in, choking him like a noose. Now he was alone, and he had no one to trust. No matter how much he ruined his apartment, he would still be there, pitifully alone. It was like Arthur had punched right in the gut, and as the nausea from before came back, he ran to the bathroom, throwing up everything. He was saved from the sadness for at least a little while, the pain in his throat was enough to drown out his emotions for a few hours.
It had been three months since Arthur had come back from Tokyo...since Kiku had left him. Day by day, Arthur barely managed to get by. He had lost a lot of weight from throwing up, and his work had suffered. He was surprised he hadn't lost his job yet. His workplace would probably fire him soon, leaving him all alone - like Kiku had.
As Arthur sat there, spread out on the couch, he couldn't hold himself back anymore. He grabbed his phone, dialing the number that he hadn't called in months. It was stupid, and he knew it. Yet he couldn't resist anymore. He wanted to hear Kiku again - even if it hurt him.
"Hello?" A familiar voice sounded through the phone, yet it wasn't Kiku's...it was Alfred F. Jones' voice.
"Alfred? Why in the bloody hell are you answering Kiku's phone?" Arthur, with his weak voice mixed with sadness and anger, asked the annoying American.
"Get over yourself, you're not with Kiku anymore," Alfred replied, laughing with another person. The other laugh...it was Kiku's.
"Just put Kiku on the line, you fucking git," Arthur spat angrily.
"Geez, fine old man," Alfred said.
The phone was handed to Kiku, who answered in a flat voice, "Hello?"
"Kiku?" Arthur said, his stomach was filled with butterflies at Kiku's voice.
"Oh, Arthur...please don't call me again. I thought you got it when I said goodbye forever," Kiku replied in an emotionless voice.
"Wait a minute," Arthur said, starting to boil with anger, "You at least owe me a damn explanation. So you're dating Alfred now?"
"Arthur, my personal life and my choices have nothing to do with you anymore. Please forget about me already and hate me," Kiku said sadly before he hung up on Arthur.
He didn't know why he had even tried to call Kiku. The pain came back again, only it was worse this time. So Kiku had left Arthur for Alfred? Arthur turned off his phone, and in anger threw it across the room, and landing under a table. He didn't care, and he promised never to look at the damned thing again.
As the nausea came back, Arthur rushed to the bathroom, once again purging his emotions as well as his lunch. He decided replacing the emotional pain with physical pain was better.
Three more months had passed, and Arthur was barely dragging himself through his daily routine. It seemed as if everything was in grey scale. Life was endless pain - whether it was emotional or physical. All of his coworkers thought he was crazy. Everyone assumed Arthur would get over Kiku in a little while, but they were all shocked that after six months of being alone - Arthur was still depressed. Arthur himself didn't even know why the sadness kept continuing.
The depression is what guided Arthur, it made the daily decisions - not Arthur. Everything in his life was centered around the constant, heavy pain that depression put on him. It was like a bitter drink, and the taste of it stayed in his mouth forever. Every single day he cleaned himself of everything through throwing up. It would work for a few hours, until the emotional pain took over the physical pain.
Arthur had even gone to the hospital more than once from complications from his puking. Some days he wouldn't eat, then he would just have dry heaves, or throw up blood. Days like those were the worst of all.
It wasn't like Arthur wanted to lose all his weight, even though he was on the path to doing so. Throwing up just distracted him from the reality of the pains of life. He wanted to stop, but every single day was the same. Arthur was trapped, and soon enough he knew that his heart would give up.
The question haunted him: did he really want to die?
A few days later, Arthur woke up to the sound of a phone ringing. He hadn't seen the thing in months, so he had no clue why the damn thing was ringing. Hadn't he turned it off? It wasn't like anyone called, let alone at two in the morning. He didn't have many friends to begin with, and after Kiku had left him, everyone had slowly faded out of his life. Loneliness was his only companion.
He ravaged his apartment, looking for his phone. As he flipped over a table, he spotted it, immediately answering it - what if it was Kiku?
"Hello...Arthur?" Alfred said, worry in his voice.
"Why are you emergency calling me at 2 AM?" he said, his hoarse voice echoed through the phone.
"Arthur, man, I'm terribly sorry, I thought you knew this, but Kiku has terminal cancer. He doesn't have much time left."
"No...no...God, no...this can't be."
The absolute horror hit him like a wrecking ball. Everything made sense now. Kiku had left him to try save Arthur from the truth. Kiku had wanted Arthur to hate him, so that he would be spared of the sadness of his death. Kiku knew all along he would die. He had been losing weight, becoming weaker. Yet it didn't work out, for Arthur wasn't spared of the sadness.
"Arthur, check your messages. I think Kiku sent you something a few days ago," Alfred said with pity in his voice, "I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me." Alfred then gave him the name of the hospital.
Arthur pressed end call, and then dialed his voice mail to reveal one new message. It was from Kiku:
"Arthur - please, please forgive me for everything. I have cancer, I am dying. I am so sorry for the pain I put you through. Please go back to when you were happy, when we hadn't met. I will love you forever. Go find someone right for you - someone that will take care of you, since I was never able to do that for you. I love you."
Before he knew what he was doing, Arthur was throwing random clothes in a bag, and then driving to the airport. He got on the soonest flight to Tokyo; he could barely make the long flight without going crazy. Soon he was in bustling Tokyo again. As he entered the hospital that Alfred had told him Kiku was staying in, he rushed to the clerk. "Honda Kiku?" he asked, worried that he was too late.
She looked at him, startled by his sudden appearance, but she looked at the computer, and then told him something in Japanese. All he recognized was the room number, which he supposed was Kiku's room. Running with all the energy he had left, he made his way to the hall, looking for the right room. Spotting it, he rushed in.
Alfred was leaning over the bed with a few tears streaming down his face.
"Oh God, is he dead?" Arthur said, startling Alfred.
"Arthur? What the..." he mumbled, before continuing, "I'm so sorry, you're too late."
"No...NO! NO! TELL ME HE'S ALIVE! HE CAN'T BE DEAD!" Arthur said. Even after all those months he couldn't be brave enough to face the truth.
"I'm sorry," was all Alfred could say. He felt so pitiful then. He should have told Arthur. It was too late though, Kiku was gone. No one had won in the situation, everyone got hurt.
Arthur trudged over to the bed. Two nurses were standing there with their clipboards filling something out. Dreadfully, he looked over to the body laying there - Kiku's body. Arthur lost all his strength, kneeling down next to the bed. He slipped his hand through Kiku's cold, limp one. It was over, Kiku was gone. Arthur felt the hot tears fall down his face, he was truly alone now.
Arthur wanted to lie to himself, to try to believe Kiku was only sleeping, as his eyes were closed. However, Kiku's skin had lost all it's color, and his once-red lips were tinged blue. Arthur noticed one good thing, however, it was that Kiku looked at peace. Maybe death was more peaceful than life.
Arthur was back in London again. He had stopped eating completely. His life was a mess, and there was no going back. He would lay in bed almost all day, staring at the wall with a blank expression. Day by day, he was becoming duller and duller.
Arthur had no more room for emotions in his heart anymore. That was it - he was done. If Kiku wasn't there anymore, Arthur had no place in the world. If only he had checked his phone - he could have gotten to say goodbye. His one true love was dead, and he would be following suit. They would meet again, not in this world, but in someplace else.
He got up, shutting off his thoughts, and walked to the drawer that held his gun. He only got one to keep him safe if someone happened to break into his house. It was fully loaded, ready to shoot. His held it up to his head, tightening his finger around the trigger. He looked out the window for the last time, saying goodbye to the sky. Say goodbye.
Letting out his last breath, he closed his eyes. One, final tear streamed down his face. Arthur pulled the trigger, sending a bullet to his brain. His body instantly fell down, dropping the gun. The blood rushed out, pooling around him. His white button-up shirt was now covered with blood, sticking to his bony body.
The room was silent as his lifeless body sat there. Arthur Kirkland was dead; he was free of pain.
I hope you liked it. I'm sort of thinking about making an epilogue...but I'm not really sure. I have part of it written, so if you want me to finish it and publish it, tell me.
Reviews are always welcome! Thank you so much for reading!
