Im on a roll of writing tonight, all the others were already saved on my computer, so literally just typed this up..love to everyone who reads!
Jay.
That's my name. Im strong, dependable, hyped up about any little thing, always happy.
Family guy.
As I was sitting on the other side of the doctors desk, it had all changed in the half an hour I was there.
I had cancer. Leukaemia. Something that I had seen in patients who were weak, at deaths door. They weren't happy.
I had only felt ill for a couple of weeks. I fainted once at work, Tess busy-bodied around me until I told her I would get tested. I thought I had a bug.
And now, my world had caved in and collapsed. Who was I going to tell I had cancer. I didn't have anybody. Nan, Elham, they moved away. Its only me in this big city. Charlie; he just had a heart attack, he needs a break.
Ruth; maybe if we hadn't broke up, and if she wasn't happy with Edward Thurlow. She needed a rest from angst.
Suffering was one thing. But when I realised I was suffering alone, it was almost as bad as being told I had cancer. It felt like it was just me, I was fighting alone. If I lost the battle, who would notice? Noel and Mac were too jokey to tell stories like this to. Kirsty, Zoe, they were friends. Friends. Why would they want to know. I don't put people through all of this, nursing me.
I looked into the shards of the mirror I had smashed and looked at my bleeding hand, and observed my flat, which I had turned upside town in a incomprehensive rage.
The only thing in the world I wanted was what I would never again have. Someone to hug, someone to hold me close and tell me how everything was going to be ok. I was that person to people, but I never had someone to tell me that I wasn't going to die, that I wasn't in mortal peril.
My doctor told me I would get weaker..i might bruise a little in certain areas..I might start bleeding, getting headaches. Basically getting more obvious symptoms. But I needed to work.
I couldn't sit here in this flat, doing nothing, feeling sorry for myself. I needed a purpose in life, a reason to believe.
And that's why I was going to fight the battle alone. That's why nobody was ever going to find out.
I need to believe..I need work. I need a distraction, I can see people restored to health, hoping and praying the same would happen to me.
I tucked the brown letter containing details of my condition in a draw. It would probably have a lot of company in a months time. The hospital were quite keen with dates, appointments, meetings, flyers telling me how to look after myself.
But when I shut the draw, I shut out the cancer. I didn't have it. it didn't define me, it was just a small problem.
