She pours the coffee into the mug, stirs in the special vanilla creamer they always have and takes up her signature spot at the counter. Blowing loose hair, wisps that have escaped her ponytail, from her eyes, she looks at the clock and sighs.

3:36 AM.

She probably shouldn't be drinking coffee, but it's not like sleep will come anyway. The cocktail of stress and aching joints is rotting away at her, taking away the sanctuary that sleep has become. She's not built for this lifestyle anymore, not since she passed fifty. And those days are long gone now.

Shaking her head as if to clear it, she takes a deep drink of her coffee. Her ring sparkles in the light and she holds her hand out, admiring the life they've had as much as the ring.

She looks around the kitchen and hears cries of Mommy! Mommy! and the sound of bare feet skidding across wood floors as her kids slide into the kitchen, Castle not too far behind them as he makes monster noises. They collide into a younger Kate, shrieking as she lifts them up and holds them away from her husband's grasp even as she flips a pancake.

Turning her head from the scene playing out in front of her tired eyes, she sees herself dancing with Castle. Lights low, dinner complete with candles still on the dining table – she can't hold back the laugh at his need to romance her. The Kate in front of her cups Castle's cheek and she knows the same thing she knew then. The man never needed to convince her, he had her long before they were them.

A flash of red hair catches her eye and there's Alexis and her now-husband, then-boyfriend on the stairs as they put the finishing touch on the Christmas tree. The star shines bright, lighting up the loft along with the rest of the twinkling lights. Castle laughs, taking pictures of absolutely everything because he's a freak about preserving every single moment. She doesn't really mind, only pretends to. And there's her younger self, watching from the couch as she cradles the newborn to her chest, her little girl's light hair shining because of the lights as both her parents watch, completely awestruck. Alexis screeches and almost topples over and onto the tree, a perfect picture opportunity that Castle can't believe he missed.

She gets up suddenly and grabs her coffee before padding toward the bedroom, leaning against the doorframe and watching the large lump in the middle rise and fall steadily. She cocks her head, blinks slowly, and suddenly there's a much younger couple in their bed. Faces inches apart, naked limbs tangled under the sheets, whispered words flowing between them – secrets, stories and God knows what.

She slinks toward the bed, the past and the present finally catching up to her and hitting her head on. Suddenly she's exhausted. She curls up next to him, running her index finger over his face. She traces the deep grooves in his forehead, the trenches by his eyes, physical markers of the life he's lived. She smiles, likes his wrinkles more than he'll ever know. Much more than he does.

A car alarm goes off somewhere and he stirs, mumbling incoherent nonsense before mashing his face further into the pillow. She tries to quiet him, rubs his shoulder and whispers in his ear, but the noise doesn't stop. His eyes shoot open, wide and alarmed. They land on her and the confusion fades, a warm smile resting on his face.

"Nikki."

"No, Rick," she soothes as she places a hand on his cheek, "it's Kate. Remember? Kate."

She remembers all of it. But she does it for the both of them.


I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm not really sorry.

Review me anyway?