Being Human: What If


(Long) Author's Note: Hello, everyone! So, this is my first Being Human fanfic I post. I'm a fan, but I have to admit that I didn't watch all episodes because the airing times in my country just never fitted ;)

Therefore, the warning: It might be inaccurate here and there. English is not my native language, so I apologize for such inaccuracies also. I'm still new to the website, but I wrote before I actually discovered this fabulous forum here. I tend to weird sentences at times, but that is not necessarily because of me writing in English, but because I just think this way, even in my native tongue. I'm a weird little bird^^

Okay, so here goes my first real attempt at a slash, though I don't think I will make this a smutty piece. I am not too proficient writing these. Since it is slash, I guess it goes without saying that this is OOC and AU, though I still hope I will capture the characters to some degree.

So, I have to profess that I dig two things about Being Human: Josh-whumpage/ hurt!Josh and the idea of Aidan/Josh. The chemistry between them is just so great that I, as a fan of the show, honestly hoped that this would happen at some point. To me, it's more than a simple bromance. And that's what inspired me to write such a piece.

When starting it, I actually (for one of the first times ever) jumped to the conclusion that I wanted to title it "What If" almost right away, because usually I come up with a title only once I am halfway through the story. However, that was the question that always went through my head when I started to imagine how the story could have gone for that one circumstance changed that there is the possibility that Aidan and Josh may end up together, or share more than brotherly feelings.

Therefore, here is my take on it. At first I wanted to rewrite each episode, but I don't think this would be very productive – and it'd be little entertaining... and I love the show too much to change just everything about it. Thus, to understand the mainframe here, I will leave episodes "unharmed" in canon and just take up on those that I either want to stress for a moment or actually change and thus make it AU.^^

Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy it, if not... I'm deeply sorry for stealing your time ;)

Disclaimer: I don't own Being Human, I don't own its characters. I don't own anything. If I did, those two would be my willing servants to bring me tea and baked goods... and I'd be extremely happy.

Reviews are always welcome and very much appreciated.

Read, review, and hopefully enjoy ^_^


Life. Surprisingly something each living creature yearns for. And isn't that already a paradox? Something, someone alive... is actually the one craving for it? Holding on to it with bare hands, with bloody fingernails if it has to be, though we long since have it, ever since we took our first breath?

Isn't it rather that we crave those things we don't have? Isn't that why we are hopeful? Because we dare to dream of what we can't have, that seems so far out of reach? Or why we are envious? Craving others' achievements, their success, their money, beauty, fame? Aren't those our dreams? We want what we can't have, but life... we do have. Still we crave it, want to exploit it, so far that it collapses upon itself. We write "You Only Live Once" on our T-shirts, speed down the highways at too high-speed, or go parachuting to give ourselves a kind of reassurance that we are indeed alive, that this thrill, this throb in our chests is real. Even if such a banner is more of a farce.

You only live once. So what?

Does that mean you have to live up to expectations or neglect them? Does that mean that you have nothing to wish for anymore, because all worlds shall end for you once the time comes? Or is it just a reminder for everyone to live from moment to moment, make the best out of it? That is probably what most want to believe, even if that seems rather odd also. Because the feeling, the style, this slogan seems to entail is that you have to live out loud, live wild, don't think about tomorrow, be relevant, make a difference, let it roar.

And that is bullshit.

Yes, you can go parachuting, bungee-jumping, go to concerts, travel around the world, take stupid pictures of you happily smiling into the camera, even when not everything on that vacation was happy, even when only ten percent were. Because you had a fight with your friend just earlier the day, because someone stole your wallet or your purse. Because you had a nasty food poisoning. Still you take that picture, to have something to glue into the scrapbook. You smile even through the pain. Because no one gets out the camera when you cry. You only want happy memories to remember. After all, you only live once. So who wants to remember anything but the great things that went on in your life? Who wants to remember the times you got ditched, neglected, were left behind, hurt, when you lost everything, friends, family, when your life was turned upside-down, when everything you believed in was taken away from you, by the thieves of time and misfortune? So is that slogan not more of a way for us to escape the reality that our lives consist not only of those jumps and concerts, but rather of so many bad memories and pains that we would drown in them if not for those few to pull us through the day? We want to be remembered as the kind of person who "lived" his or her life "to the fullest". We want to be remembered for the good things. Just as we want to remember the good things. Even if that means that a part of us has to die. And we say so while at the same time we wear the banner of "You Only Live Once" – let that part die for as long as the other part of you is still alive. Because life's too short to wallow in self-pity? Perhaps that's valid enough.

However, on a wider page, it's just bullshit also. Because those people who do believe in these words are those who do what was just mentioned, go parachuting, put their lives on the line for a risk, a thrill, to feel alive when being alive, by definition, means no more than that your body and mind are still functioning. And don't they do that also for the things that you don't take pictures of? What you don't put in an album labeled "the most awesome and outrageous things I did in my life that I shall always be remembered for by the rest of the world"? Even if it is as the slogan says and we only live once, then why do we have to live the outrageous life, the one that roars? Why can't we live a silent life? Is that less of a life or does it stand not as true to these words of using the moment? It seems that the only difference is that those who live between those lines are not... remembered. And that is what the "You Only Live Once"-bearers may make them neglect this perspective. Because we want to matter. We want to matter to others. We want this life, if it is indeed the only one we have, to matter, be significant. Because after the page is turned and the book is closed... it's closed.

Because you only live once. There is no other life to fix things, set things straight, do it better, at least according to that slogan.

And isn't that honestly something that should put somebody in a sad mood and not a good one?

We do not just crave desperately for life, but we want it to matter also, as though that was the only thing able to actually make it a life. For as long as we matter, for as long as we are remembered, we are alive, isn't that what some people say? So, by the end of the day, it comes down to what already the first creatures roaming the face of earth fought for – a bloody struggle for survival. For this life. We want to live, and we think or grow up in the belief that our life can only be a life if it matters.

We crave life so desperately that we even take death as a price.

We seem to be just that stupid.

Because you only live once.

But perhaps we are just thinking too far for a slogan that others just put on T-shirts, along the lines of silly jokes, emblems or band names. If so, the question remains, however: Why do we crave life when we have it? Why are all living creatures so desperate to survive and don't just welcome death once he comes, embrace him and let him embrace us? Just where does that desperation come from?

Is it inherent to us living creatures? Or do dead things have the same kind of desperation, as our opposite? Do they have peace where we have turmoil? Knowledge where we have questions? Acceptance where we disbelieve?

Why don't dead things crave to live?

Or do they?

If we gave them a voice, learned to listen – what would they say? Would they beg like us? Please, let us live, please, show mercy! Would those dead things also ponder on how they have to matter to be alive? Or would they ponder on how they once mattered and now no longer or beg us to make them matter again? And if they were, wouldn't that make us ever the cruel? That we still scream for it when we long since have it, while others cry out for it and are not heard because we are simply louder? Because we want to roar? Or does the cruelty indeed stem from the circumstance that even if we are alive, this is not our own doing, but that of some power, whatever the shape, that grants us this faint glimmer of hope to fill our hearts and even allow for the dead matter to dare to hope?

In the end... everything is cruel, seemingly.

Life itself is.

And still, still, we all scream for it, maybe just some louder as others.

We'd die to live...

Because we are actually afraid that we only live once.

That is the endless cycle of life and death, the mill of our fears that we only live once and that we don't matter.

And it goes round and round again...


It is one of these days. These days which absolutely, royally suck. When you think it can't get any worse – and then comes the low below the low. An abyss behind you, an abyss to your sides, and one in front of you. The only thing left to your choice is which one you'd like to jump into. Welcome to the American Dream.

And amidst such abysses stands Josh Levison, or rather, he is crouching on the ground, the first snow flakes biting into his skin along with the gravel of the alley. Not only is he a monster, not only was he forced to leave everything behind, not only is he working in a diner for lousy payment when he actually has a college degree and used to go to friggin' med school – med school! – but now he is getting kicked to the ground by a pair of strangers, for no reason. Yeah, only he seems to get that lucky.

And Josh can't help but ask himself just when does it stop? Just when does the pain finally leave him, allows him to fade away to that blissful state where he sees no more, hears no more, speaks no more... and feels no more?

Maybe Josh should just let them kill him – then this would be over, right? All of it, just over... because it's not like there is much of anything to hold on to, other than life itself. And life, so Josh had to learn the very hard way, can have such a bitter taste that you want nothing but to throw up your guts. So honestly, where is the point in living if you dread your own life?

The brunet man cowers on the ground as white-hot pain explodes in his stomach and face. Maybe Josh should have taken the overdose of pills after all... that would be less painful, that much is for certain. He lets out a groan, partly because of the pain, partly because of the growing annoyance of himself – because he can't even die properly as it seems.

"Marcus!" a voice, deep, imperious, almost like a growl suddenly rings behind them. One of the men, Marcus seemingly, turns his head with a smug smile tugging at his lips, "Whatcha want, Aidan?!"

"Leave him alone already," Aidan, as it turns out, sighs, his voice annoyed. He steps closer, leaving dark footsteps in the light coat covering the street in snow like loose wool scattered over the ground.

"He's a mutt," the man snarls.

"Did he attack you?" Aidan argues sternly. "If not, there's no reason to play around with him."

"You and your fake vegetarianism, it's making me sick, Aidan," Marcus growls, but that is when the raven with spiky hair is right in his face, his voice a snarl, "Get lost. Now."

"Or what?" Marcus huffs.

"If Bishop were to decide between you and me, whom do you think would he choose, huh?" Aidan threatens him. Marcus actually seems somewhat distressed for a moment, but then simply retorts with a sneer, "Teacher's pet."

"Now get lost already," Aidan repeats in a low growl. Marcus, to make his point again, kicks Josh one last time in the midriff, knocking the air out of his lungs, making white dots dance on the edges of his vision, just like big snow flakes.

"Bastard," Aidan mutters under his breath, but Marcus is unimpressed, just flips him the bird and then sets off with his friend in tow. Aidan contemplates to just go with them, but he is pissed at the coven and Bishop anyways, for brushing off his ideas, the ones that grant more humanity in a world where this is a good and as rare as diamonds and rubies. However, that is something no one seems to hear, no one wants to hear, because it's so much easier, so much more fun to go the easy way of giving in to temptation, even if that marks their ultimate doom – something his kind is likely to ignore. Aidan long-since gave up on the idea that he can change the nature of what he is, but he still dares to hope that there is something about how he lives his life, or what's left of it, that he can change for the better and actually make him less of a monster than he is by blood.

He is pulled out of his thoughts at the noise of the guy cowering on the ground as he hacks for much needed air, something Aidan can't deny he envies him for at some point. To breathe. Have a heartbeat. Live. The raven man crosses the last steps over to the brunet and crouches down, "Hey, uhm..."

But before he can even utter an actual word, Josh flinches away from him. That is the moment their eyes actually meet for the first time. Brown pools fade into black pools. Darkness has them both, something the two are instantly aware of as their worlds collide through four dark orbs. There is an odd sense of familiarity in the foreignness they share. Both have this anguish boiling behind their eyelids, an immense fire of passion and passionate hate, resent, but also a small flicker, a white specter of light that leaps out of the darkness, a glimmer of hope, a will to fight, to come out of the obscurity and see the world beyond. Yet, the source remains in the shadows.

"I'm sorry about that... my... brother... he's an asshole," Aidan grimaces with a portion of sympathy in his voice, though he honestly asks himself why it is there to begin with. This is still a mutt, and even if he is not into torturing them the way Marcus is... nature demands that their kinds always end up in this senseless game of cat and mouse, a blood feud reaching so far back that no one can even pinpoint the actual cause of the hatred anymore. As though hatred can simply grow out of habit, that you literally can't smell each other anymore – and that this is enough to justify rage and the want to kill the other. When everyone already forgot why you fight, except for that you fight. Because, to Aidan, that is exactly what war was and always will be about – simply to fight, shed blood.

However, Aidan doesn't feel resent for this one, for some unexplainable reason. Maybe he is just too pissed at the coven and the world to bother about the hatred for a night. Even his kind can show some benevolence, right? That doesn't mean you change sides or play for the different team, you are just... being generous for once. No harm done, right?

Aidan stretches out his hand to the brunet man, but he just flinches away again, holding his stomach against the pain, "Just... l, leave me alone, please."

And Josh could smack himself for actually pleading this guy so pathetically that his voice is sounding as though on the verge of tears. He is a grown man, for goodness sake! He can't cry after something like this. Men suck it up, don't they? Maybe he should have listened to Em after all and put on some muscles. Less brain, more muscles. Then he could stop contemplating about how shitty his situation is but simply go after Marcus and punch him in the nose, even at the risk of ending his own life. However, that is over now anyways. Everything is over and Josh just wants curl in on his side and cry. Just when does the humiliation finally end?!

"Hey, you could show at least some gratitude. I saved your ass, even though that is actually against both our nature," Aidan huffs.

"... w, what?" Josh stammers, staggering to his feet, just to fall back on his knees. Aidan wants to help him, for some reason, but the man brushes him off. For someone who didn't fight back against Marcus at all, he is more of a fighter than Aidan had taken him for, though it was already clear in his eyes. Even if there is pure resignation in his brown orbs, so is an undying will.

"What? Oh, c'mon. You're a mutt, so it's not natural that I make the effort, okay? So stop kidding me," Aidan rolls his eyes. Really, that mutt is testing him, or what is the matter here? He should rather plead for life and run, or at least mumble thank yous... and then run. And even if Aidan understands that the poor guy can't run because his legs won't support him, he can't help but frown at the wolf's confused facial expression. He really doesn't seem to understand the situation here.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Josh brings out, his ribs protesting. Just what does he mean with mutt? And what other kind is there? Josh knows he is a monster, but how would that guy know? It's not that time of the month yet and he didn't transform yet. So what is that guy saying?

"Wow, okay, so you want me to spell it out for you?" Aidan rolls his dark eyes at him. "You as a werewolf shouldn't expect help from my kind. Actually, the reaction you got from Marcus is what you'd usually get from any of us."

"... h, how do you know that I'm a...," Josh babbles helplessly, his eyes so wide that they threaten to fall out of their sockets. Aidan, growing annoyed, simply flashes his fangs at the man, his eyes turning onyx, "Vampire, rivaling race... should ring a bell with you, right?"

"... oh my God, you're a vampire?! A vampire?!" Josh cries out pathetically, his voice betraying him. And he hopes it's not just his voice betraying him, but his senses also, that he didn't actually hear what he think he just heard. Vampires?! Seriously, world?!

"Hey, why don't you scream it a bit louder, I think the guys across the streets haven't heard you yet," Aidan snorts. As if a snake just bit him, Josh tries to rush off, but his legs simply give away and he falls back on the ground, leaving more bruises and abrasions on his already battered body. Aidan, ever the calm, gets up from his crouching position, just to crouch back down in front of Josh, blocking his path another time, holding up his palms in a defensive way, "You don't have to be afraid. I won't do anything to you, alright?"

Josh's breath still hitches, but he makes no attempt to move. His body is refusing to stir at all for some reason. It's as though his body is taking over his mind's command. He just wants to get away from here, but his legs won't move. Maybe Josh should go for some place far away from Boston after all? This is his own personal hell all over again. The guy who ever talked about the rainbow after the storm should better not come Josh's way. He'd just punch him to pulp for spreading such lies.

Rainbows are no more than optical illusions also. They are lies, just as is any wink of fortune that swings Josh's way, as it seems.

"So... the others who just... they too?" Josh brings out. Aidan tilts his head in curiosity. Even though it's clear that the man is terrified, he still seeks information, knowledge. That is a rare feature, or at least it became, so Aidan had to observe over the past too many years.

No one wants to know anymore.

People just try to forget. Not that he is any exception.

"Yeah," Aidan nods eventually.

"... h, how do you know w, what I am?" Josh brings out, his voice shaking more than he wants it to. After all, he is just in the eyes of what turns out to be a vampire – if this doesn't turn out to be some really crazy Halloween joke that's way past Halloween – and still, he feels that almost overtaking urge to ask questions about this dark world, the dark dots that loom around normalcy, the spots in which he lives in a while now. Is there actually someone who shares his pain, if only on a different level? In a different specter of that darkness?

"You smell like wet dog to us," Aidan shrugs, making a face. That is one of the reasons vampires can't stand to be around them for long. The smell is just too disgusting... though this one is at least bathing regularly, because Aidan can't say that it is unbearable at this moment, though the moon is not that far away, so he knows – as a matter of precaution. Because as much as vampires hate to admit it to themselves, a werewolf on a full moon is something that can rip even them to shreds, more likely than they want it to.

"Oh...," Josh grimaces, knitting his eyebrows. Aidan has to suppress a smile at the way he looks now, almost like a teenager suddenly.

"So? What are you doing in Boston of all places? This is like... prohibited area for your kind. We own this place," Aidan grimaces. Because that is something he honestly doesn't get. Werewolves are rather rare around the area because of the vampires having such strong influence. Of course there are exceptions, but usually werewolves know better than to pick bigger territorial fights they know they cannot win – and that is true for this area. This is vampire area. That guy's alpha must truly be an idiot.

"... until a minute ago I didn't even know there was... something else. I thought I was... the only one," Josh admits. There is no point in holding it back anymore, is there?

"... just who the hell is the idiot of an alpha that turned you?!" Aidan shakes his head, but doesn't wait for an answer. "C'mon, let's get you up and to somewhere warm. I mean, I don't need it, but you seemingly do."

"I'm fine, thanks. You... you did enough. Thanks," Josh argues, biting his lower lip.

"I don't bite," Aidan huffs, but then starts to chuckle. "Well okay, I kinda do, but not you. We don't bite werewolves because of the smell."

"It's really enough. You saved me. So please, go back to your family or whatever," Josh argues vehemently. Really, much more of a fighter than Aidan ever anticipated.

"You can hardly stand and I feel benevolent today... and it will piss off Marcus, so that's already a gain," Aidan jokes. Why is he doing this? Why does he bother with this werewolf? Aidan doesn't know. Maybe it's his eyes, or that he seems funny. Maybe Aidan just needs distraction for a night, but... for the first time in a long time, the vampire feels an honest smirk creeping up his lips.

Josh hesitates as the man stretches out his hand to him again, "I'm Aidan Waite. You are?"

Josh puckers his lips, but then actually takes Aidan's hand, "Josh Levison."

Aidan pulls him up without an effort – the guy is really, really strong, Josh has to admit. The vampire smiles at him with a wink, "Nice to meet you, Josh."

"Nice... to meet you, too," Josh grimaces, because he feels cold hands in his, but still warmth creeping up into his body, all the way to his heart for some unexplainable reason.

Maybe he is not alone after all?

And that possibility, that tiny specter of light is so tempting for Josh that he can't do anything but hold on to it, if only for a minute, a second, the blink of an eye. Because then, for this fleeting moment, he wouldn't feel alone anymore, as though the world already excluded him and tossed him in the abyss of no return.

Aidan guides him away from the diner, figuring that Josh probably doesn't want to explain the bruises to his boss, something the younger man gratefully accepts. They settle in a small, shady bar not far away from the diner, choosing a corner so secluded that no one can hear them talking. For a while, the men just look at each other, trying to overcome the tremor filling them at the realization that they are seated next to their natural rivals. Though the rivalry is more on Aidan's part than Josh's, because Josh is too unfamiliar with the situation entirely that he can't develop hatred or rivalry, yet anyways.

Instead, the brunet only feels a tremor of fear and terror rising within him, rocking his chest. If what Aidan says is true... then who tells him that the vampire won't just take advantage of his injured body and simply kill him the first chance he gets? Josh could smack himself for being that easy-believing at times. He believed in fortune once, that he had it, that he was the luckiest man ever, with all prospects in the world, well, that's over in a while now. Josh also believed in God once, but now no longer. Though he would like to, love to, but he can't believe in a God if he allows such pain to happen, whereas Josh can't tell that he's ever done so much bad to deserve so much darkness in his life that it readily devours him in one piece.

"So... how long have you been in Boston?" Aidan asks, seeking to break this oppressive silence looming over them.

"A few months... I don't know. I lost track of time," Josh sighs, shifting his weight from one side to the other.

"Where are you from?" Aidan asks.

"Ithaca, New York," Josh shrugs. "You?"

"Boston original... as in literally Boston original," Aidan smirks.

"... is it true that you like... live so long?" Josh asks in a hushed voice, curiosity winning the battle once again.

"Yeah," Aidan nods. "I'm way past the 200 mark."

"Wow... okay, that's... wow," Josh grimaces, suddenly feeling even smaller and younger than he does anyways. He is normally taken for younger because of his almost boyish facial features, but against Aidan, he is clearly losing the fight of age.

"So you were turned... this year around?" Aidan asks, trying to keep up a more casual tone for good measure. He can hear Josh's heartbeat hammering in his chest so fast and so hard that it drums in his ears in a huge crescendo.

"Yeah," Josh answers, his voice feeble. "Camping trips suck."

"I'm not too fond of them either," Aidan shrugs, a soft smile tugging at his lips. At least Josh didn't lose all his humor and wit yet. Aidan knows how hard it is to come back from resignation once it took a hold of you. Once resignation has you in its cold, ghostly white claws, you are soon filled with remorse and scorn, and with that comes bitterness. And once you are bitter, there is almost no way of escape anymore.

"... so is Marcus your real brother... by blood... I mean... it's all by blood, but...," Josh fidgets for the words, something Aidan finds ever the amusing. Even though the guy was just confronted with the harsh reality of the dark side of society, an even darker kind of society of monsters that live among the normal ones, unseen and unheard, but still he manages a feeble smile and even jokes.

"Not my real brother, no," Aidan lets him know. And that is something he is really glad for. Because that would bind him to the bastard even more than he is anyways, thanks to Bishop. No, Aidan wants to have as little to do with this brother of his as that is possible. They resemble Cain and Abel at some point, or so Bishop told them, though it's not out yet who is who – and who will eventually kill the other, becoming Cain therefore.

"... good, I don't like him," Josh grumbles.

"Me neither. He's like... this cousin you always have to be nice to on Christmas though everyone thinks he sucks," Aidan shrugs, leaning back in his seat a bit. "But I can't just kick him in the ass for nothing. Our father wouldn't like to see that."

"Father?" Josh grimaces.

"Well, uhm... the alpha, the one who's turned us," Aidan explains with a shrug of his shoulders. "His name's Bishop, by the way. Runs the police. So if you're smart, you stay the hell away from him. He is not all too fond of your kind."

"... I will remember that," Josh grimaces. Great, danger and darkness just seems to spring out of its evil germ bud whatever ground Josh dares to step upon. And all Josh wants is peace, silence, and for that constant fear to leave him, if only for a few days until he starts worrying himself sick about the approaching full moon that makes his skin crawl... literally so.

"And your alpha?" Aidan asks, again, purposely keeping his voice at a very casual level.

"... I don't have one," Josh scrunches his nose.

"Of course you have one. Or else you wouldn't go crazy around the full moon," Aidan huffs. "I'm talking about the guy who's turned you, who took you into his pack."

"... there is no pack, just me," Josh shakes his head.

"But what about your alpha, then? Don't you know where he is?" Aidan frowns. "Lost track of each other?"

"... should I know where he is? I mean... that beast just bit me and left me there bleeding on the ground. Why would I actually bother to search for that... thing?" Josh makes a face.

"No, he should be searching you. You see, alphas have that responsibility towards their children," Aidan argues, actually shocked to see a werewolf who got thrown into that cold, mossy, blood-drenched world of darkness without any guidance. Just what kind of an alpha does that? Even Bishop, and that guy is an asshole, took his time to teach Aidan how to live the life of the undead. That is just what an alpha does.

"I'm not his child," Josh argues vehemently, his eyes narrowing with a little part of anger. "I'm my father's child, and that of my mother. Not that beast that bit me and left me to die in the woods, killing my friend and destroying my life."

"... I'm sorry about your friend," Aidan grimaces sympathetically.

"... thanks. I'm, too," Josh sighs, his voice no more than a whisper.

"Well, but you see... for your alpha... turning you was like having a child, as sick as it is, I know. That's the way it goes with them, with us, too. It is their way of having family. And that is why usually the alphas stick around to teach you how," Aidan explains, feeling utterly sad that he has to break those news to the young werewolf. Not only to be thrown into that dark pit, but then to learn that the one who's tossed you in there was actually supposed to hold his hand out to you, thus ultimately neglecting and deceiving you... that's a pain Aidan doesn't even want to imagine. It's enough of a curse to be a monster, but Aidan actually learned to find comfort in the fact that he is not the only one, and that there is someone to talk to, even about such things like blood craving, killing, accidents, a missing heartbeat, loneliness, and the like. However, here sits a poor creature next to him who doesn't even have that tiny comfort of the feeling of not being alone.

"Look, maybe that's true for your kind, or for some others of mine... whatever that is... but to me, it was like that: I went on a camping trip with my fiance, and a couple with whom we were best friends. We heard that noise in the middle of the night, my friend and I went to check, and that was when everything blacked out and there was just pain. And then I woke up as someone flashed his torchlight in my face, with my friend mauled next to me, and me over with blood and teeth marks in my skin. And for the following month I felt remorse and mourned his loss, sat in a diner, minding my own business, and the next thing I felt was this pain inside me that I had to scream. I ran outside and then black again. Only to wake up with a deer now next to me, where once my friend lay beside me, and its blood all over me. Whatever it is that turned me, it never showed again – and I would kill him or her or it if I got the chance to. That thing destroyed my life. That's what it is to me, I want nothing to do with that," Josh explains, his eyes sternly focused on Aidan's.

"... what happened to your fiance?" Aidan asks almost weakly.

"She survived, if that's what you're asking. Other than that... Dunno. I took off, ran away. After I found out... what became of me, I left everything behind... and somehow ended up in Boston," Josh tells him. To be perfectly honest, Boston was by no means a matter of choice, but simply the area where Josh's car ran out of gas – and he had to decide between spending the last bucks on fuel or on a month's rent. Josh decided for the rent... and went from there. For what reason? Josh doesn't know. He just knows that he wanted to take this as a wink of fortune, even if it was surely no fortune that brought him into that situation. It was rather that Josh simply believed that some higher power was telling him to stop – and simply stay. And so Josh did.

He stayed.

"I'm sorry," Aidan says, honestly meaning it. He knows how painful it is to lose one's only companion in life and have all fortune tossed away in your name... drowning in a deep and wild river.

"Thanks," Josh licks his lips. "I'm, too..."

"What about your parents? Do you keep up contact with them?" Aidan asks, with a pang of hopefulness in his voice, but Josh shakes his head, "I cut all ties to my past, other than my name. They don't know where I live. I don't call, I don't write. I don't tweet, something my sister is probably getting worked up over even more than the fact that I'm missing. I don't want to hurt them. I would never forgive myself if I... no."

"Sister?" Aidan grimaces. Josh just shrugs. Aidan throws back his head, looking at the ceiling, "Man... that sucks."

"Yeah, that sucks," Josh sighs. "And you? What skeletons do you hide in the closet... I mean... okay, stupid question, don't answer that."

Aidan shakes his head with a smirk.

"... but maybe you tell me what your hated brother meant by vegetarianism?" Josh asks after a while, blinking at him curiously.

"Well, we need... blood," Aidan shrugs, leaning a little closer.

"Guessed as much," Josh huffs.

"But that means... you know, typical vampire theme with biting someone and all...," Aidan goes on, gesticulating. Josh nods.

"Well, the side effect is that you get kinda... high?" Aidan explains, though he notes with wonder just how easily he tells that someone he doesn't know for more than an hour. And here they are and exchange not only life stories, but also those stories that no one wants to admit, but rather hide in the deep corners of the mind, so far deep down that you hope you can forget about it yourself.

"Oh," Josh blinks at him – and at that Aidan can't help but frown. He honestly expected something else as a reaction. He can tell that this doesn't make Josh more nervous than he is seemingly by nature. He is surprised, yes, but... Josh doesn't judge him, for basically taking drugs. He is not disgusted in any way, just... surprised. And even if this is strange for Aidan, he finds that honestly nice, comforting.

It's odd not to be judged for once.

"And I don't want that anymore. We could take other stuff, like... blood bags. That works. Just that we don't get the funny feelings from it – and that is why no one wants to join. But they don't want to see that this is the best way to keep humanity. They just don't care," Aidan explains with a sigh. Why is he telling Josh again? Aidan doesn't know. Maybe because this guy is also someone unhappy with his curse, someone still fighting?

A brother in misery?

Or maybe he is just too pissed to care?

"... huh, well... that also sucks," Josh smirks weakly. "So to sum it up... both our lives kinda suck."

"You could say so, I guess," Aidan shrugs.

"... that's not exactly reassuring, is it?" Josh grimaces.

"Not really," Aidan shakes his head. No, even if it is indeed a comfort to have someone to share this secret story with, it's not in the least reassuring to know other people in such deep vain also. Because that is a kind of agony you don't wish upon your worst enemy.

"So, what are your plans from now on?" Aidan asks.

"I don't have any plans other than making it to the next day... or not. The time where I dared to make them is long since over for me," Josh shakes his head. He once planned a future, a bright future, but it got all crushed in one instant. So where is the point in future management when you are honestly convinced that there is no future for you?

"Wow, you're not too much into optimism, huh?" Aidan huffs.

"I don't know what would make me optimistic. I mean... I just got the living shit beat out of me because I smell like dog to some people – something I wasn't even aware of... I just learned that even more people fucked up my life... and I am what I am. I honestly fail to see the silver lining," Josh snorts.

"Yeah, I know what you mean... in our kind of situation, who wants to believe in the good, huh?" Aidan exhales, leaning back.

"No one," Josh shakes his head. "Well... what about you? Any plans for the future?"

"At the moment, not really... I just want... away," Aidan admits.

"Away, yeah... that sounds nice," Josh exhales, leaning back. Away, far away, to a place where no one could find him, not even that beast living with him? Yeah, that would be tremendous.

"Well, I guess I will still stick around Boston, but I need to get away from the clan for a while. They are just pissing me off," Aidan grunts.

"Well, stands to reason. You're home here," Josh agrees.

"It's your home now, too," Aidan argues.

"Honestly? I still feel the tendency to just jump into the next-best street and let a car hit me to put me out of my misery," Josh snorts, with a kind of honesty that catches the vampire off-guard. "I don't know how I'm supposed to feel at home here. My home is elsewhere, though it is no longer... why am I telling you this again? I'm sorry. You probably don't wanna hear my moping over my screwed-up life. You have obviously enough problems of your own. And by that I don't mean that you... I will just shut up."

"Hey, I didn't mind, okay?" Aidan assures the younger man quickly, hoping that this didn't just end this conversation, because it's about the best conversation Aidan's had... in a way too long time.

"Dude, it's really considerate of you to listen to my crap, but by the end of the day, it's just crap... and apparently from the rivaling species," Josh argues.

"Is overrated in my opinion anyways," Aidan argues.

"Well, I didn't know about this until now, so I can't really tell," Josh shrugs.

"But I can. It's just something you do... out of habit, and I find that stupid, to be honest," Aidan shrugs.

"Well, then you are quite the revolutionist of your group, huh?" Josh exhales, his ribs still protesting against the movement.

"Maybe. Well, when you are around as long as we are, you only have like... phases. Who wants to be a revolutionary all the while? It's just too bothersome," Aidan argues, though he grimaces at his own remark. He just spoke out loud what he doesn't like to admit to himself – just how easy he gives in because it is more comfortable. Shouldn't he rebel all the while if he really believed in something? Shouldn't Aidan stand up for his ideals, and not just make big words for a given time, only to come back to the coven and act as if nothing ever happened? There was a time when he was like that, but somewhere after the 100 years mark, or maybe even before, Aidan lost this fight. He gained fangs, but lost the teeth to bite into that flesh and hold on like a bloodhound. Just what happened to this will he always gave himself credit for?

And why does he call that into question only now that he talks to someone who has obviously no clue what all this is about?

Aidan coughs lightly against the realization bubbling up in his mind, hoping that this will somehow shove it back down, but has to see that it doesn't work. Maybe that's why no one wants to join him on his mission to vegetarianism – because it's obviously just a phase, as is everything? Maybe he is the real poser after all.

"Right," Josh agrees. He wouldn't ever judge anyone for not picking a fight. He is the one to run from any trouble. The werewolf knows that he is. It's just that he sees no point in fighting for something he no longer sees as worth fighting for. Josh just doesn't have the energy anymore. He just wants out, wants over, wants end, this way or another. Whatever it is that he has now, it's not life, is it? At least he doesn't want to believe that life is really only just... a heartbeat.

He would like to believe that there is something, and be it as tiny, that is there beyond the organ beating in his chest. Because that is the only way that the man sitting next to him is, right? He doesn't have a heartbeat. And still, Aidan is alive, at least he is to Josh. So there must be something that reaches beyond the heart and its function to keep your body alive.

But just what is that?

"Wow, when I woke up this morning, I certainly didn't think this would be the outcome," Aidan chuckles.

"Trust me: Me neither," Josh grins, which results in him actually laughing, something Josh can't remember the last time he really did and... meant it. Maybe it's gallows humor, but it feels nice for once to laugh and not feel sadness tugging at you. Aidan joins him. This is just so utterly ridiculous that it's funny again, isn't it? A werewolf and a vampire, sharing a beer in a bar, talking about the downsides of life or the life of the undead. That just sounds like the beginning of a very stupid joke already.

The two continue to sit in silence for a while, both actually finding comfort in each other's presence. They only realize that they spent a few hours there when the bartender tells them that he wants to close. Aidan and Josh exchange a glance, before both smirk, pay the bartender and leave the pub, surprised just how fast time can pass, when they are both so used to it stretching into agonizing eternities.

"Well, ugh, it was nice meeting you, Aidan... and thanks another time for... saving me, you know what I mean," Josh tells him, one arm still protectively clasped over his midsection.

"Hey, now don't be ridiculous. I'll walk you home. After I was so kind to save you, it'd be against the point if I let you get mugged by Marcus another time," Aidan argues, though a part, hidden deep down, just wants to continue this conversation, this sensation.

"He would?" Josh frowns.

"Yep," Aidan nods, not even lying at that point. Marcus is that much of an asshole.

"Oh," Josh grimaces. "But that's not your problem. Really, you did enough, Aidan."

"My home's that way anyways. C'mon," Aidan argues. Josh simply follows eventually. He is too tired to put up a fight, especially over something he enjoys at some point. Contact with another person, with a person who understands this... it's nice for a change. It's something Josh only now realizes he missed. To... have someone... around.

So the werewolf and the vampire trod their way down the empty streets of Boston until they reach Josh's living place, a shabby place, Aidan notes with a grimace. Josh hobbles up the stairs, his head bowed as he fishes for the keys in his pocket. He wants to open the door when his eyes fall on a red envelope attached to the door with tape. The werewolf frowns at the address, but then realization dawns on him. He bangs his head against the door.

"Whoa, what are you doing?!" Aidan gasps.

"God! I will lynch this fuckin' person!" Josh growls, biting his lower lip.

"Josh?" Aidan grimaces.

"Awesome, now I'm not just beaten up and work in a restaurant for minimum pay, no, now I will be homeless within the next couple of days!" Josh mutters to himself, perfectly ignoring Aidan behind him. His point was just proven all over again: whenever Josh dares to see the bright side of life again, and be it the smallest of specters of light, he gets it right back in his face.

"What do you mean?" Aidan asks cautiously.

"This is the notice to quit or whatever. My landlord wants me out. I have a neighbor who parties too hard. Since I work so much, I'm barely at home. He has a key to my apartment, in case of emergency. Turns out he used it to have parties over at my apartment. Police was there, or so I was told. I talked to the landlord and he said he would wait till this is cleared, but that was a shitty lie! Fuck! Because of that bastard I get thrown out! That can't be true!" Josh pouts, knocking his head against the door again. If he had done something wrong, Josh could live with it, but all he did was being a good neighbor, see where that got him? Now he is beat up, a monster, alone and... homeless. Great, just great. Maybe he should just jump off a bridge. Are there good bridges to jump from in Boston? He should definitely check that.

Josh tears the letter off the door and opens it with shaky hands, "Awesome, I have to be out by next month. Tremendous. Just great."

"Wow, that royally sucks," Aidan comments sympathetically.

"Yeah, this sucks," Josh exhales, but then turns to face Aidan almost sheepishly. "But... but that's not your problem, now I let you stand there and... I'm sorry. I... ugh, sorry, good night. Have a nice... afterlife. I just..."

"Josh, calm down," Aidan holds up his hands in the hope this gesture will somehow work as a kind of reassurance for the upset werewolf.

"I suck at giving first impressions," Josh huffs.

"I try to feed on people, I don't think that this is exactly a good first impression either," Aidan jokes, which actually brings Josh to smile again, if only briefly.

"Still, I'm sorry that I... you did so much for me and... I will just stop talking. My head's mush," Josh grumbles to himself towards the end. Aidan glances at the werewolf, then at the red envelope in his hands. Red, like blood. The blood he doesn't want to shed anymore, at least not that way. The promise he wants to make to himself to preserve the last tatters of his humanity. And those red tatters are in the hands of a werewolf Aidan doesn't know, but also a werewolf who managed to make him smile, someone who didn't judge him for his nature, and who didn't judge him for his dreams of vegetarianism, of being able to change. Someone who gives a fuck on the social order outside society, within the dark world no one knows about and those who do know about it, decide not to talk about it. Someone who shares his pain, someone who seemingly understands that life takes more than simply being alive. Not because it should matter to anyone else what they do or who they are, but what that means to themselves. To not just forget, but see, as hurtful as it is. Open one's eyes to reality, no matter how little you may see in that darkness. And that is when Aidan suddenly finds a resolution within him that he didn't think he inherited anymore.

"Hey, Josh?" he begins. The werewolf blinks at him, "What is it?"

"I think I might have a solution to our problems," Aidan goes on, his eyes glistening.

"What? Turn my neighbor?" Josh huffs.

"No, I want to get away from the coven. You have to move out," Aidan explains.

"Yeah, I already got it that our lives royally suck," Josh snorts.

"We two could move in together," Aidan suggests. Josh blinks at him, then at this letter in his hands. However, then his eyes drift back to Aidan – and he sees that the vampire... he means it. Now what the bloody hell?!

"Share an apartment, a vampire and a werewolf," Josh grimaces.

"Why not?" Aidan shrugs. Really, why not? Why not live up to what he once stood for, what Aidan wants to stand for again, a will to keep humanity, his humanity. Be human again and stop being a monster. If he wants to make a change, Aidan has to start somewhere, and he knows that he will always end up in the mill again if he doesn't get away from the coven, from Bishop, from the live-blood.

"... why not," Josh mumbles to himself. Really, why not? Why not finally... live again. Between the lines of darkness that obscure all future plans? Why not be a person again, rather than some shadow cleaning out pans in a shabby restaurant. Why not live a life that is a life again? Or at least hold on to that idea again? Hope? Maybe even monsters are granted to live? Maybe you can live in the silence after all, live with the truth of what they are, but not being forced to hide it to themselves, just the outside world?

Why not?

"I know this comes... out of the blue, but...," Aidan grimaces, but that is when Josh interrupts him, "I'm in... I mean, if you're... serious, then I'm in."

"Okay," Aidan replies, still not quite believing it.

"Okay," Josh answers also, as though that confirmation only labeled it as reality.

Aidan smirks at Josh and Josh smiles back.

A promise made.

And maybe, just maybe... life can start anew.

Maybe you don't only live once.

Or even if you do, you can make it matter, just maybe not the way you expected it to.