"Who cares anymore?"
The words came unbidden to my lips.
"No matter what happens to adults... No matter what happens to children..."
My grip on the controller tightened as I couldn't help but speak in harsher and harsher tones.
"No matter what happens to this town, no matter what happens to the world..."
Every sentence I spoke was an attempt to make sense of these unfamiliar feelings flooding my entire being, I wrestled for something meaningful I could convey to the people in the room, to the people watching me on a screen, but most importantly to myself.
Finally I managed to form a sentence that rang true to my own ears.
"I don't give a damn anymore! I don't give a damn!"
My shout rang throughout the room and I felt a sliver of satisfaction, now that the truth of my emotions was known not only to the adults I had rallied here, but to the entire world.
Even now i could hear the faint chanting of "Kill! Kill! KILL!" all the way on top of the building that served as the climax of my adventure.
"K-Komaru!" The concerned voice of Toko managed to break me out of my internal musings and I picked myself up, gripping the controller tightly. For all her faults Toko was my friend and had helped me reach this point. She of all people deserved an explanation.
"Toko... I'm sorry, I...It's impossible..." I struggled to find the words that would make her understand...The elusive sentence that could convey to her what had truly broken me.
Choking back my tears was hard but I finally managed to voice the truth burning my soul from the inside.
"I... I can't become like Makoto..." There I had said it.
Toko's stunned silence told me that she understood my words. After spending so much time together it didn't surprise me all that much.
Our adventure through Towa City had been plagued with despair after despair, but with her help I had always been able to hold on to the hope that I could see it through to the end...
Now that seemed like nothing but a bad joke to me.
After all it could always get worse...It WOULD ALWAYS get WORSE!
"...This was all determined from the very start." Monaca Towa decided to speak up once again.
"The hope you felt was just for the sake of making you feel the worst kind of despair."
I understood that now. Every little success, every little piece of respite I had earned...
All of it planned out by a little kid...
"I knew from the beginning that you would fall into despair."
Without even attempting any token resistance now, I raised the controller above my head.
Time itself seemed to stop in anticipation.
Tightening my grip the words Monaca had uttered earlier rang within my mind:
"Break the controller and start a war."
I KNEW what would happen if I didn't stop myself. It had been spelled out in complete detail only minutes ago after all...
"Headless children everywhere!"
A resurgence of the war between Hope and Despair.
And ME the Successor to Junko Enoshima – the TRUE Ultimate Despair reborn.
The horrible thought managed to instill the slightest bit of denial in me for a moment.
My eyes quickly scanned the room for anyone, anything that would capitalize on this moment.
Kotoko kept whispering softly to herself "Please! Don't make me lose my friends! Don't make me lose my friends.." over and over again, and while she didn't want me to break the controller, it was for completely selfish reasons. She was simply desperate to keep the many brainwashed children under her influence. The things she had put me through didn't particularly help me in considering her case either.
Haiji looked at me like he couldn't wait for the fireworks to start. Of course the fact that these specific fireworks would be comprised of several hundreds, perhaps even thousands of - technically innocent- children's heads exploding only seemed to excite him even more.
Monaca simply stared knowingly at me, no longer urging me on, as if she knew that nothing would ever change the outcome of this situation.
The fact that I thought the same only added to the numb feeling that had spread throughout my entire body.
Finally my eyes snapped to the only friend I had been able to rely on in this town. The one I had truly expected to do something by now...
Toko held her eyes closed and was chewing on her finger... I recognized the habit as an expression of her deep anxiety, however the fact that she wasn't saying anything led me to believe that she truly intended this to be MY choice. Did she still believe that I would change my mind at this point? That I even could?
And even if I did... My gaze met Monaca's empty stare. If I held on to this tiny sliver of hope that refused to accept my fate, Monaca would simply play yet another card that she had prepared.
Despair upon Despair...
I took a breath...and I let my last resistance go.
Time resumed.
And as the controller shattered on the ground, the mass of people that had been screaming at me to KILL broke into a massive cheer while explosions started all over the city.
I couldn't take any of this in however, as the sound of breaking plastic seemed to echo in the deepest reaches of my soul.
