Tale of a Gladiator Angel

(A/E: This two parter story acts like a bridge between Season 3 and Season 4. For whose don't know anything about 'Tale of a Valkyrie', the story had supernatural and religious elements that was the spirit of this story. But since it was deleted, I decided to make up my own supernatural and religious elements, but I'm gonna add a comedic tone since it's a Family Guy fanfiction. Anyway, enjoy it!)

Part 1

Matthew was shown with his eyes closed until he opened them.

"Uh...w-where am I?" Matthew asked as he looked around, he was in a cloudy place "Am I in Heaven?"

Not exactly.

The owner of the voice was Death.

"You're not in Heaven, nor Hell, you're in the Limbo" Death said.

"What...?" Matthew asked, all confused.

"Are you stupid? I said you're..."

"I know what you said, but...I don't understand" Matthew said "Don't people go either to Heaven or Hell?"

"There were exceptions and you're one of them" Death said "But I'll explain this to you later, we have to go."

"Where?" Matthew asked.

Then a carriage pulled by two pegasus appeared. The one who was riding in the carriage was...Life (she appeared in the 'How I met your Mother' chapter).

"You're late" Death said.

"I'm sorry, dear, I had to clean up the pegasus' wings" Life said as she kissed him.

"Wow, I didn't know Death and Life are dating" Matthew commented.

"We're not only dating..." Death said.

"We're brother and sister!" Life said.

"Oh my god...I feel sick..." Matthew said.

"What? Adam and Eve were both created by God, so technically they're brother and sister" Death explained.

"So incest is wrong for the mortals, but it's okay for the supernatural beings?!" Matthew asked.

"Can we forget about my social life?" Death asked "We're gonna be late!"

"Late for what?" Matthew asked "You haven't told me what am I doing here"

"Get your ass in the carriage and I'll explain everything" Death said.

"God, this is stranger than that episode of the Big Bang Theory" Matthew said.

Flashback

Sheldon was making some kind of machine in the apartment.

"Sheldon, what are you doing now?" Leonard asked.

"I'm making a portal to another universe" Sheldon answered "Maybe I find a universe where my wisdom is more welcomed and appreciated"

"Your 'wisdom' is still annoying, not matter what universe" Leonard said.

Then Penny appeared.

"Guys, has anyone seen my..." Penny asked as Sheldon activated the portal and four tentacles caught Penny "AAAAAHHHHH!"

The tentacles took Penny to the portal and it disappeared.

"PENNY!" Leonard screamed.

"Hmm, look like it works." Sheldon said "Maybe I'll send Wolowitz to a universe where Hitler never existed"

Flashback's end

The three were in the carriage where Death was explaining to Matthew the reason of why he's here.

"You see, Matthew, the souls who dies and go to Limbo is because of two reasons: one: they failed to accomplish their lifetime purposes. Or two: They did something good AND bad at the same time proceeding their death." Death explained.

"So what? I sacrificed my life to save Connie's, isn't that usually a guaranteed one-way ticket to Heaven?" Matthew asked.

"Well, how do I put this without sounding like a dick?" Death asked "The person you saved...was a bitch"

"I knew she was a bitch, so?" Matthew asked.

"You see, if she were to die, she could go to Hell" Death answered "If she was a good person destined to go to Heaven, you might have end up in Heaven as well. Unfortunately, you gave up your life to save a bad person, so here you are"

"Oh, come on!" Matthew complained "I'm not responsible for Connie's actions!"

"Well, the last thing you were doing was dating her" Life said as she giggled "That's pretty ironic, normally nice girls like to date bad boys, but looks like nice boys also like bad girls"

"Thank god I wasn't dating Miley Cyrus...or Mila Kunis" Matthew said.

"Well, here we are" Death said as they arrived at a colosseum.

"A colosseum?" Matthew asked "Are we gonna watch a gladiator fight?"

"Gladiator Angels and you're not watching a fight, YOU are gonna fight in there" Death said.

"ME?!" Matthew asked, outraged.

"All the souls going to Limbo are forced to fight to the death in the colosseum" Death explained "Winners become Guardian Angels"

"Fight to the death? But we're already dead!" Matthew said.

"'Fight to the death' is just an expression" Death replied "Losers are sent to Hell"

Death opened the cloudy floor revealing to Matthew the Hell: demonic creatures, people screaming for being tortured and fire everywhere.

"Holy crap, there is a Hell..." Matthew said "It would be a surprise if a bad Jew goes to Hell"

"Actually..." Death said.

*Jewish accent* WE WERE WRONG!

"Now, go inside and get ready" Death ordered "Your first fight is in 10 minutes"

"Wait, what?!" Matthew asked.

"Life, send Mr. Ryder to the waiting room and dress him up for the battle" Death said.

"With all pleasure, dear" Life agreed "Come with me, Mattie"

"Great, she's sounding like my sister" Matthew said.

Inside of the waiting room, Life asked Matthew to strip his clothes off and put on his battle outfit.

"Hurry up! If you miss your fight, they'll disqualify you!" Life said "I already visited Hell, it's a pretty horrible place"

*Matthew's voice* I'm done!

Matthew came out wearing his battle outfit that it's pretty similar of John Carter from...well, John Carter (A/E: a movie that apparently nobody saw since it bombed big time in the box-office)

"Oh my god, you look fabulous!" Life said

"Are you kidding? I look like the guy from Battleship dressed up like He-Man" Matthew said.

"Now choose your weapon" Life said, making appear a large case of several heavenly weapons: swords, guns, spears, bows and arrows, etc.

"Wow, I have to admit: these weapons are pretty badass" Matthew said "I bet Axel would love these." he picked up a sword "This one will be fine"

"You really like swords, don't you? Life asked.

"They're better than guns in my opinion" Matthew answered.

*BING* *BING*

"It's the signal, go outside and do your best" Life said, giving him a kiss in the cheek. That kiss made Matthew's cheek glow blue.

"Wow...that felt...very pleasant" Matthew said.

"Thanks" Life thanked him as she disappeared.

Matthew took a deep breath and he went outside,

In the colosseum; there was an enormous crowd divided between angels and demons. Not everyone was human, there were extraterrestrials, mythological creatures, etc. In the VIP section we see God...wearing a football shirt of the Patriots of Rhode Island and a hat with beers strapped on.

"Oh yeah, my favorite part of being God: watching dumbasses killing each other" God said.

Next to him was his son Jesus.

"Father, I never liked the idea of forcing souls to fight to the death" Jesus commented.

"Said some queer-O who loves reading the Hunger Games" God mocked.

"I enjoy it for their themes and characters!" Jesus said.

"Read something more for men like this one!" God said, taking out the book 50 Shades of Grey and he read a page "Very hot, I can't wait for its movie adaptation"

The announcer, who's a green alien in a suit with a mushroom head covering his eyes, was in the middle of the arena.

"Welcome to the Angel Gladiators Battle!" The announcer exclaimed "Today we have a good bunch of newcomers, so please give a nice welcome to the first newcomer: MATTHEW RYDER FROM PLANET EARTH!"

Matthew came out and he slowly walked as everybody cheered. He just waved the hand to salute.

"At his opposite corner, he'll face out against his first opponent: PINKY PUFF FROM PLANET FURRY!" The announcer exclaimed.

"What?" Matthew asked

Matthew's opponent was a cute puffy pink alien with two cute eyes, cat ears, a tail with a bell and it floats in the air.

"Hi!" Pinky Puff greeted with a cheerful tone.

"May the battle...BEGIN!" The announcer exclaimed as he disappeared.

"You're kidding me!" Matthew said "I was so worried about going to Hell and I'm facing off against a cute living plush from Toys "R" Us?!

"I wanna be your friend!" Pinky Puff said.

"Ah...me too, puffy head, but..."

"*gasp* Did you give me a nickname?" Pinky Puff asked with the heart broken " My...name ...is...PINKY PUFFY!" suddenly its eyes turned red, his pink puffy appearance turned brown and spiky, even his bell tail became a spiky steel ball "*deep and scary voice* You're going to DIEEEEE!"

"Holy crap!" Matthew exclaimed.

Pinky Puff started swinging around his steel ball in order to hit Matthew. Luckily, Matthew dodged the ball. So the logical thing to do was cutting off its tail and so he did. Without the tail, he stabbed him and he went to Hell. The announcer appeared to announce the winner.

"The battle is over and the winner is: MATTHEW RYDER FROM PLANET EARTH!" The announcer exclaimed.

*everybody cheers*

"Good, does that mean I become a Guardian Angel now?" Matthew asked.

Suddenly, Death and Life appeared in the arena.

"Not yet, this was just the first fight" Death said.

"The first fight?" Matthew asked "How many fights do I need to win?"

"Thousands" Death answered.

"WHAT?!" Matthew asked, outraged "This is ridiculous!"

"I didn't make the rules, it was God" Death said.

"Then take me to God, so I can negotiate with him!" Matthew demanded.

"Sorry, Mattie, but no one defies God" Life said "He's the one true lord of Earth and Heaven"

"What do you mean 'the one true lord'?" Matthew asked, suspicious.

"Life, why don't we introduce Matthew to his new coaches?" Matthew asked.

"What? Now I have coaches?" Matthew asked.

They went back to the waiting room to wait for Matthew's coaches.

"Matthew, let me introduce you to your coaches: Nathan and Hellen Everett, both from Planet Earth" Death said.

Nathan and Hellen came in, Nathan was wearing a golden gladiator armor and a golden helmet with wings while Hellen was wearing a golden amazon armor with a red skirt and a golden tiara on her forehead. They both have angel wings.

"Nice to meet you, Matthew" Nathan greeted.

"Wait, Everett?" Matthew asked "Like Axel Everett?"

"Yes, we're his parents" Hellen answered "We both ended up in Limbo just like you millenniums ago"

"Wait, millenniums? You mean THOUSANDS of years?!" Matthew asked.

"One year on your planet equals a millennium in the supernatural world" Death answered.

"Okay, this is getting WAY too weird even for me!" Matthew said.

"Come on, once you become a Guardian Angel, everything is fantastic" Nathan said.

"We didn't believe in Heaven at first, but after living there, it's a paradise!" Hellen said.

"So, are you both Guardian Angels?" Matthew asked.

"Oh no...we're better than that: we're Valkyries!" Nathan answered "It's the highest rank for an angel."

"Well, how was my fighting skills in the arena?" Matthew asked.

"Not bad, but that was a level one monster" Nathan answered "I would just kill it with a simple stare"

"If it was a male, I would just show off my breasts, getting him a deadly boner" Hellen said "I hope you would't mind"

"Not at all, hun" Nathan replied, giving her a kiss "And Matthew, it's very important to train hard in order to defeat the most dangerous monsters"

"All right then, how hard could it be?" Matthew asked.

In an abrupt cut, he found himself walking on a thin rope over the lava while he carry a giant rock on his back.

"ARE YOU INSANE?!" Matthew asked, terrified.

"Just don't fall into the lava or you'll end up in Hell!" Nathan said, laying off and drinking a fresh coconut with Hellen.

"And that's just the easiest part of the training" Hellen said.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?!" Matthew asked as a drop of lava almost got him "AH!"

"No, it's supposed to strengthen your focus." Nathan answered as he checked up a holographic chart next to him "Your next opponent is Garoozis from Planet Reptilius"

"What does he do?" Matthew asked.

"He fights with two swords called 'Blade Twins'" Nathan answered, "God, what a stupid cliché name."

"At least I won't fight against the Olsen Twins!" Matthew said as he laughed hard, but nobody else laughed.

"That joke would probably be funny 10 years ago, but now it's lame" Nathan said.

"Hey, look!" Hellen said, looking at her holographic newspaper "Their younger sister Elizabeth Olsen will appear in the Avengers 2. She and Aaron Taylor-Johnson will play brother and sister"

"And thinking they were husband and wife in the Godzilla reboot" Nathan said as he realized what he said "Wait...that doesn't sound right"

"I hate incest jokes!" Matthew shouted.

Next day, in the colosseum; Matthew fought against Garoozis. An anthropomorphic lizard in armor, carrying two swords. Garoozis charged to attack Matthew with his Blade Twins, but he blocked his swords and pushed them back as he attacked him. They both fought with all their strength, but Matthew managed to stab him and send him to Hell.

"Winner: MATTHEW RYDER!" the announcer exclaimed.

*everybody cheered*

As the days progressed, Matthew's training was getting harder and harder: from climbing a 500 feet tall tower while carrying Buda to running away from a rain of knives while wearing heavy iron shoes. And everyday he fought against many different opponents: aliens, mythological creatures like a cyclops, Medusa and the Hydra.

Winner: MATTHEW RYDER!" the announcer exclaimed.

*everybody cheered*

As Matthew was winning all his battles, God seemed very interested in him. He was having a chat with his son Jesus.

"You want me to do WHAT?!" Jesus asked.

"This Matthew guy is getting really powerful with every battle" God answered "He'll soon face off against the mighty ones, if you know what I mean."

"But father, I'm peaceful and merciful, I'm incapable of killing anybody" Jesus said.

"Great, now you're wussing out like always!" God said "If I was your father...!"

"Wait, aren't you?" Jesus asked.

"Ah, I mean, YES! I am your father and father of all! May my orders shalt be obeyed!" God exclaimed with a mighty tone.

"Okay...father" Jesus obeyed as he leaves.

God just looked at the colosseum with greed.

"Fools...they're all fools..." God said with an evil smile.

To be continued...