Disclaimer: JAG belongs to Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.
How did this happen?
I don't even know when I've fallen in love with Sarah Mackenzie.
It definitely wasn't love at first sight. I brought her in to get her uncle. She was pretty - yes of course - but I was focused on rescuing my career and not on chasing women back then. Well, at least not that kind of chasing women, though she and Rabb gave me a hard time to keep up with them.
After that I worked more often with Harm or with both together. I started to admire her cleverness and her professionalism. And I had fun picking out a dress for her - but look what she did to it!
I have to admit that I dragged them into some hideous situations. I'm not proud of some of the things I've done. But they were ... a sort of colleagues. A suitable way to reach my goal - and I always trusted them to go the whole way and do whatever needed to be done to bring things to a good end. Not always the end I had planned - but a good end for our country and the people living in it.
Maybe ... maybe there was something in Russia. When we tried to stop the assassination of Putin. As far as I remember the flight to Moscow was the first long time we were together and alone. No Harm. No Lieutenant Roberts. We talked quite a bit on that plane. Dinosaurs. I'd never dreamed of learning that much of dinosaurs. But to tell the truth - after the mission was over I bought some books and grew quite fond of the theme.
I was furious as she ditched me to run after Harm. I kept telling myself that I was only afraid the Admiral was going to break more than just my nose if anything would happen to her. That I was afraid she would ruin the mission. I'm no longer sure of it now. But she was engaged to Brumby, she had just run off to find Harm and I never questioned my feelings too closely.
Afghanistan. I was scared to death in Afghanistan. Seeing that knife on her throat ... but I always knew she was able to take every chance that might come along if only I could keep my mind straight and give her an opening. I never doubted her ability to protect herself, fight her own fights and stand up for herself.
But still - was I in love with her? I can't answer this question. I was so wrapped up in the search for Kabir there was barely any time to think of other things. Yes, I was concerned when she and Harm stumbled into the air strike aiming at the terrorists - and I was angry too because it had been their own fault and the fault of Galindez.
I haven't seen her for a long time after Afghanistan. Haven't seen any of the Jag-staff for a long time because I was so busy running around the globe and most of the time fighting phantoms slipping away under your fingers as soon as you get within arms reach. It was a frustrating time though we had some progress too.
And then ... then came the Angel Shark and Suriname.
I went too far with the Angel shark. I should have known. Well, I knew because it wasn't the first time my boss was mad at me. But when I was sent off to Paramaribo I thought it was going to be several weeks, one or two months as a punishment. And after that I would be called back, had to struggle for a while to get on the right side of my boss again and be almost back on track with my life and my career.
It took me a couple of months to realize how wrong I had been. There would be no phone call ordering me back to D.C. ... no important mission I would be send on. Day after day I worked my way through the same dazing paperwork, the same boring lists, the same routine. No change. No escape in sight.
It was a shock. I AM GOOD, for heavens sake! At least I was.
For years my life had been in overdrive. It was hectic and dangerous and lonely but it was my life and I loved it. I had a direction, a goal I was heading for - and the next second everything was on halt and in question. Like slamming into a wall. The whole world upside-down.
First I held up and waited for a chance to get out of my misery. But this became more and more difficult. There was too much time to think. To question myself. To go over the same things over and over again.
It drove me crazy. I felt what was happening and tried to fight it but it was like wadding through a swamp. I knew it was destroying me. Self-doubt is the death of any secret agent.
And then this operation came up. I knew immediately it was the chance for me. Maybe the only one I ever could get a hand on. So I jumped on it with all I had.
When I needed a partner to play the role of my pregnant wife there was suddenly the picture of Sarah Mackenzie in my head. She wasn't my first choice but I'm never going to tell her that. Unfortunately Petra, the agent I asked for at the beginning, was unavailable because of a long-term operation. So when I pondered the question whom I could trust entirely with my life and my career I came to Sarah.
Funny. I had never thought that much about her while I was in Suriname. A few times, yes - but not unusual often. Looking back maybe less than what would have been normal. Maybe I avoided thinking about her because I knew it was useless. But now I needed somebody I could trust and I knew I could trust her. Rely on her. She was smart, had quick reactions and the guts to save my six if things were going down.
I made a mistake.
I realized that I made a mistake as soon as I talked her into the mission and took her to Langley. There was something. There was a feeling that should not have been there. A feeling that could not allowed being there because it was dangerous for both of us. If I had needed anything to shatter my self-confidence entirely - here it was.
But it was too late. There was nothing I could do to change the fatal chain of events now. So I brought up every bit of strength and self-discipline and played along. First it wasn't that bad. I managed to banter with her and even came up with some witty retorts. I managed to sleep in the same bed, to ignore what it did to me and to focus completely on the mission ... almost. Just a few times I showed her how unsure I felt.
And then ... the whole mission went down the toilet. I wasn't able to protect her. Instead she ended up sacrificing her health and life to save mine. Even worse: look who'd shown up as the knight in shining armor - of course Harmon Rabb junior. Oh, I'm glad he saved her. I'm glad anyone came to rescue us ... but for heavens sake - WHY HE?! I wish I wouldn't know the answer to that question. But unfortunately I do ... I do.
I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have stuck to my usual habit of need to know and KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT! At least I would have rescued a tiny bit of my pride. But I thought I was going to die. Damned it, I had every reason to believe that.
When she stood there looking so worried and concerned ... I wanted to distract her. To console her. I wanted to see a smile on her face. Just for a second. Just a little smile. Something to take with me in the dark. I got more than I'd dreamed of.
I don't know how it happened. I tried to joke and said those things about using her toothbrush and how much I liked having her as a wife and then it just - slipped out. And she kissed me.
I can still feel her lips on mine. I can still taste her.
And now she's here. Sitting at my hospital bed. Picking at the cast on her left arm - a souvenir of the plane crash. Damned it, Harm, what is it with you and Sarah and flying together? I told you to take care of her!
She's feeling uncomfortable and troubled. It's obvious that she doesn't know what to say besides 'Hey' and 'How are you' and more of those kind of small talk. That hurts. That hurts more than my sore body and there are no painkillers to ease this sort of pain. I can't see her like that. I love her. I want to see her happy.
And that means I have to end this.
So I pull the rest of my strength together and try to reach out for her hand but I'm too weak to move more than a few inches in her direction. But she notices the movement and takes my hand in hers. I give her a soft squeeze, produce a half smile with the part of my face that is working - I don't want to imagine what I must look like - and choose my words very carefully.
"Don't worry, Mac. I know it was a kiss for a dying man."
Suddenly there are tears all over her face and I can see she's fighting to speak. But I can't stand this now. It hurts too much. So I close my eyes and turn slightly away from her freeing my hand as I do.
There's a long and heavy silence in the room. The only sounds I can hear are her quite sobs. After an eternity she gets up and her presence is over me. I feel her lips on my forehead in a soft kiss. Then she's gone.
I don't open my eyes until the door has closed behind her. I don't want to remember her like that - walking away. I can't.
I know I'm never going to work with anybody from JAG again. Maybe I'm never going to work at all, at least not within the CIA. This mission has ruined me as a field agent and probably as an in-door operative too. It definitely ruined my friendship with Harm and I doubt that AJ has any friendly feelings left for me. And it put Sarah forever out of my reach what is the worst thing.
God, how did this happen? How could I screw up my life so entirely?
What am I going to do now?
The End
