My brother had died. They were just words at first but once the silence came back the impact of those words hit me like one brick at a time. My mind was unable to process all the sentence for what it was and just took words piece by piece.
Jem. Inhale. Exhale.
Died. Inhale. Exhale.
Today. Inhale. Exhale.
Uncle Jack was the one who called me and told me about my brother's death. I wish I had someone here in the room with me to talk to him; someone who was so unattached to what was going on so they could comprehend what he was saying to me. All I can do is think about the information that was initially given to me and wait for the numbness to wear off. I couldn't wait until that next stage already. Not feeling anything is worse than sadness or anger because the latter two are real emotions with real names. Nothing is nothing.
"Say something, sweet," Uncle Jack pleaded with me.
"I can't," I replied, stoic.
"You just did," he said. "Honey, I will stay on this line for as long as you need me to. Just don't hang up, okay?"
"I won't."
My dear, sweet uncle. I began to cry; not because of my brother's death but with how my uncle obviously needed to know that I was okay. I had a big epiphany about how much I meant to him and it was heartbreaking to hear his plea of me not hanging up on him. My family, they need me alive.
"Uncle Jack," I sobbed. "Thank you for being the one who called me. I love you."
"I love you, too," he sniffled. "I've loved many a woman before but you were always my girl."
"I'm your niece, don't forget."
"Crude as ever," he chuckled. Oh my God, I made him laugh. If that's the only good thing that happens to me today, that's all right. "Yes, I do know that you are my niece. My intelligent, funny, beautiful niece whom I love with all my heart."
"You're my crazy, brilliant, alcoholic uncle whom I love very much."
"Are you okay, baby?"
"I think you'd understand if I wasn't."
"I would. Just promise me that you won't do anything stupid."
"I won't. You need me here."
"We all do. Hey, why don't we hang up now? Why don't you call Atticus or Hank?"
"I will later," I replied, honestly. God, I couldn't bear to hear them right now. I don't have the strength. "I just have to be alone right now."
"Okay, baby. Listen though, if you feel like doing something stupid, you call me and I will talk you out of it, you hear?"
"Yes, of course, I promise. I love you."
"I love you, too."
"Bye, Uncle Jack."
"Bye, baby."
I hung up the phone and immeadiately regretted it. The silence of my New York apartment was deafening and I couldn't stand it. My whole world was upside down and Uncle Jack's news of my brother's death played again in my ears. The space I was in no longer felt like my home and I felt myself spiraling into turmoil. Oh God, I'm having a breakdown. This can't be happening to me. My brother is dead, my uncle is scared to death I'm going to kill myself and I don't want to talk to my father. This was just a dream; no a nightmare. An honest to God fucking nightmare.
And then the phone rang. Oh God, it's my father or it's Hank. I can't do this: I'm not strong and I don't have the strength to pretend I'm strong. I wipe away my tears and go to the phone anyway. I was not in my body anymore and I feel as though I am guided to the phone by some unknown force. I don't even recognize my own voice as I answer.
"Scout, hey honey!"
"Dill Harris?" I screeched. How the hell did he find me? I didn't even let him know I moved to New York, that's how badly we've kept in touch over the years.
"Surprised, huh?"
"Yeah, among other things."
"Yeah, Jem wrote me some time ago and gave me your number in the case I would want to call. I wrote back to him and told him I would call but to keep it a secret that I knew your number. I guess he kept it; I haven't heard anything back from him yet."
"And you're not going to, either."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Dill, Jem died today. He had a heart attack just like my mother."
"Fuck!"
He yelled that obsenity so loud I thought he broke my ear drum. His wailing on the other end was even worse. He made me break down again and neither of us could stop from crying. We stayed on the phone and cried together for a long time.
