The Wicked Carnival

Disclaimer: For the forty-second time—yes, I did the math—we do not own ASOUE!

A/N: Welcome, one and all to BOOK 4 OF A SERIES OF QUEER EVENTS! It's a pleasure to have our old friends back as well as any new ones! And, about that rather large space of time in which our little Murderer butts were offline, I kinda caught a case of the dreaded writer's block! For months, I was planning ideas for this: The Queer Events Series, as well as Mount Rancour. Also, a close friend of mine who has just gotten an account of her own—Ginger Cookie 101—we will be writing a little Harry Potter story. It was Cookie's idea, really, but it won't be out for some time. Anyway, back to stuff you actually sort-of care about: RE-CAP TIME!

Where we last left our heroes, minus Sunny, they were dying of poison consumption in a mysterious land.

Want to find out where they are in this insane parody of the Carnivorous Carnival? Then read the first chapter!

One little reminder. If you aren't familier with the hit musical 'Wicked', you might feel left out. Well, not really. As with last story, all songs in this book can be linked to on our profile!:)

Chapter 1, No One Mourns the Wicked—Or the Good—or the In-Between People

Lemony Snicket Land in a big place. It's made up of mountains, rivers, lakes, valleys, cities, an ocean, as well as the Hinterlands.

The Hinterlands are a scraggaly forest wilderness that takes up most of western Snicket Land. There are few roads in the Hinterlands and very few settlements.

Our story, though, is very unusual and even if you've already read The Queer Academy, The Crappy Village and The Third Peril you will still find this story is quite different from the ones that came before it.

One odd thing about this story is that it begins with its ending. To be precise: in a little Hinterlandian Village called, 'Pinky-Dinky Parlevou'.

The news had spread quickly across the land and everyone, espiecally residents of the Hinterlands, were overjoyed. The Wicked B*tch of the West was dead!

Indeed, as we begin our opening number, I will ask you to please sit back, relax, and enjoy our madness:

NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED {from 'Wicked'}

{the lights turn on over the village of Pinkey-Dinky Parlevou, it is evening and villagers come out of their houses and run energetically around the stage}

Villagers: {harmony} GOOD NEWS! SHE'S DEAD! The B*tch of the West is dead!

The wickedest b*tch there ever was! The enemy of all of us here in Snicket Land IS DEAD!

GOOD NEWS!

GOOD NEWS!

Smelly Villager: {speaking} Look! It's Esme!

{out of the shadows comes a white stallion on which Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor, the city's sixth most important double-crossing whore, is mounted, Esme, having gained 'god' status in her short stay in the Hinterlands, where people had no idea of her previous attachment in the city of Dirty Bastard, was looked upon as an important figure for her beauty, fashion sense and intelligence, the people of the Hinterlands weren't exactally geniuses}

Esme: {dismounting the stallion} Fellow Snicketians:

{singing}

Let us be glad.

Let us be greatful.

Let us rejoicify that goodness could subdue the wicked workings of You-Know-Who!

Isn't it nice to know that good will conquer evil?

The truth we all believe will by and by outlive a lie for you and—

Fatass Villager: {singing fiercelly} No one mourns the wicked!

Slutty Villager: No one cries: 'They won't return!'

Villagers: No one lays a lily on their grave.

Hideously Ugly Villager: The good man scorns the wicked!

Anciently Old Villager: Through their lives, our children learn:

Villagers: WHAT WE MISS, WHEN WE MISBEHAVE!

Esme: And Goodness knows, the wicked's lives are lonely!

Goodness knows, the wicked die alone. It just shows when you're wicked you're left lonely, on your own!

Villagers: Yes, goodness knows, the wicked's lives are lonely!

Goodness knows, the wicked cry alone!

Nothing grows for the wicked, they reap only what they've sown.

Midgit Villager: {speaking} Esme! Why does Wickedness happen?

Esme: Well that's a very good question, little one!

Midgit Villager: I'm fifty-eight.

Esme: {cutting him off} Shh. Are people born Wicked? Or do they have Wickedness thrust upon them? After all, she had a father. She had a mother, as so many do.

{the village darkens to be replaced with a bedroom in a dingy apartment. Through a window we can see the skyline of Dirty Bastard. A couple: Edgarbear and Minerva, stand close to each other}

Edgarbear: {singing, to Minerva} How I hate to go and leave you lonely.

Minerva: That's alright. It's only just one night.

Edgarbear: But know that you're here in my heart while I'm out of your sight.

{his voice trails off into a note and he leaves the room. As soon as he's gone, Minerva dabs herself in perfume and dashes into the closet}

Esme: {heard in the background, speaking} And like every family, they had their secrets.

{Minerva comes out of the closet wearing a racy black dress as the mysterious lover, whose face or name will not be given yet because that will spoil the plot, enters the room}

Lover: {singing, dancing around Minera} Have another drink, my dark-eyed beauty! I've got one more night left, here in town!

So have another drink of serpent's elixir and we'll have ourselves a little mixer.

{he hands a green bottle to Minerva who drinks it heartily}

Have another little swallow, little lady, and follow me down.

{they collapse, lovers all, onto the bed as I dim the scene so as not to scar you for life}

Esme: {heard in the background, speaking} And of course, from the moment she was born, she was...well...different.

{we light the scene again to reveal Minerva going into labor with Edgarbear and a midwife standing at the foot of the bed. For anyone who may not be familier with the term, a midwife is a woman who used to come to the house to help a woman give birth}

Midwife: {singing} It's coming!

Edgarbear: Now?

Midwife: The baby's coming!

Edgarbear: And how!

Midwife: I see a nose!

Edgarbear: I see a curl!

Midwife and Edgarbear: It's a healthy, perfect,

lovely, little—

Midwife: {screaming} SON OF AN UNHOLY BASTARD!

Edgarbear: Sweet merciful God!

Minerva: {speaking} What is it? What's wrong?

Midwife: {singing} How can it be?

Edgarbear: What does it mean?

Midwife: It's atrocious!

Edgarbear: It's obscene!

Midwife and Edgarbear: Like a swervy, curvy hose, the baby is unnaturally:

{the midwife holds up a horrid sight, a baby writhing in snakes that seem to have sprouted out of its scalp}

Edgarbear, Midwife and Minerva: {harmony} SERPINTINE!

{there's a short silence}

Edgarbear: {speaking} Take it away.

{pause}

Take it away!

{the scene darkens and when it lights up again we are back in the village square of Pinky-Dinky Parlevou where the villagers are gathered around Esme and her stallion, listening raptly to her story}

Esme: So you see, it couldn't have been easy!

Villagers: NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED!

Now at last, she's dead and gone!

Now at last, there's joy throughout the land!

And goodness knows, we know what goodness is. Goodness knows the wicked die alone.

Esme: She died alone!

Villagers: Woe to those who spurn what goodnesses they are shown: NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED!

Esme: {miserably} Good news!

Villagers: NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED!

Esme: Good news!

Villagers: NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED!

WICKED!

WICKED!

{Esme sobs into the handkercheif}

THE CURTAIN FALLS

"No! The Curtain does not fall, yet!" Esme yelled at me.

I sighed, "Whatever you want, Your Majesty."

I kept the curtain up so Esme was allowed to continue speaking, "Thank you." she turned to the villagers, "As you can imagine, I have much to attend to. I had better be off to visit other villages and spread the good news."

I stared at her, "That's why I had to keep the curtain up?" I asked incredulously, "Just so you could say some corny goodbye to the hicks?"

"You didn't have to do it, you know." she told me, "You are the author, after all!"

"Just get on your damn horse and leave so I can start writing about the Baudes and the Quags."

"Hmph!" hmphed Esme, mounting her steed.

She was about to leave when a random villager ran out of the crowd, "Esme!" he called to her, "Is it true that you were her friend?"

The villagers shared a collective gasp and stared at Esme who was trembeling like a leaf.

"Well—" she started, but I cut her off: "We'll get to that in Chapter 2! I want to talk about the kids!"

I smile at them contemptously as:

THE CURTAIN FALLS

THREE MONTHS EARLIER:

Night had fallen on the Hinterlands. Pitch black night. That night was the last night of the year, but no one really cared.

Through the fog that clung to the ground, came a clip-clop of hooves as an anorexic horse came into sight, pulling a little cart.

At the reins of the horse was a hunch-backed figure wearing a black cowl. His name was Hugo and he was STRANGE!

Sitting in the cart was a far more menacing figure, a woman of about thirty-three clad in many heavy shawls. Her curly black hair was covered with a sash and her angular face was pale and mysterious.

Her name was Madame Lulu and she was PECULIER!

"Hugo!" she said to her driver in a sharp Romanian accent, "Stop the horse!"

"Aye, aye!" responded Hugo, pulling the reins to stop their pitiful excuse for a steed.

"I sense something!" Madame Lulu leapt out of the carriage, "Follow me, and bring my supplies!"

"Indeed, Madame." nodded Hugo. He reached into the luggage rack behind the carriage and withdrew a small carpet bag and a heavy leather-bound book.

Madame Lulu led Hugo towards the imposing shilloute of the Dandruff Mountains to a spot by a small spinny of trees.

"There!" she called to him, bending down to examine four figures sprawled by the spinny.

"By Jove and all his aunts!" gasped Hugo, "It's some kind of teenage orgy!"

That's what it looked like: two brunette girls, a flabby black-haired boy and a shirtless fellow with sandy hair were heaped together, hand in hand.

"Are they dead?" wondered Hugo. Replied Madame Lulu, "No, not dead. Dying yes. But not dead. Hand me the book."

She spoke calmly and efficentially; Hugo felt a tinge of relief in handing the book to his Mistress.

Madame Lulu opened the heavy tome to a yellowed page inscribed: 'LIFE. Warning: Life spell contains dangerous side affects. Do not use if you are fat, skinny, young, old, pregant, want to be pregnant, beutiful, hideous, male, female, human, non-human, fruit, vegetable, mineral, smart, stupid, shipwrecked, plane-wrecked, sinking, crashing, singing or dancing.

Side affects include, but are not limited to: bloating, congestion, vomiting, complete phisycal transformation, blindess, deafness, loss of speech, loss of limbs, mental retardation, change of sexual prefrence, instant death, reincarnation, damnation to hell and loss of personal belongings.

Life Spell, A Miracle Worker!'

Madame Lulu stood over the four children and began to recite the spell, "Ahtum, frenzhi, ahtum, ahtum, eleka, frenzhi!" she chanted, "Let their blood flow anew! Let their lungs fill with air! Though they lie, pale and dying: Give them life!"

Wind began to whistle through the trees and a chill descended on the already freezing midwinter air.

"Ahtum, frenzhi, ahtum, ahtum, eleka, frenzhi!" repeated Madame Lulu for good measure. Her work was done, "Hugo, help me carry them to the carriage. The spell should take its effect in an hour's time."

"Of course, Madame." bowed Hugo, picking up the two girls as Madame Lulu held the boys.

They carried them back to their fidgity horse and the carriage, placing the children inside and covering them with a quilt.

"Head home, Hugo." she said, taking her seat across from the covered children, "Yes, Madame." Hugo snapped the reins and the carriage turned around.

"Oh, and Madame." said Hugo, looking at her.

"Yes?"

"Happy New Year."

She gave him a small smile, "Happy New Year to you, too."

A/N: How'd you like it? I don't mean to sound too concieted but this was one of my best first chapters, in my opinion. Basing this on 'Wicked' is gonna be a hell of a lot of fun! In the next chapter we will see how Esme and 'The Wicked B*tch of the West' knew each other, we will be reintroduced to Count Olaf, Sunny and company and will see what side-effects the Life Spell has on the Baudes and the Quags. Also, for all you Mount Rancour followers: the third chapter will be posted as soon as this is up!

Update Coming Next Friday!:)