Nari: This is purely a random idea I got… you know… just for kicks… It's kinda based off of something I wrote but never posted a year ago! Also, I would like to add that I have never seen "Survivor", so I don't really know a lot about it.
(blah) Announcer talking during story
blah flashback
Elrond rubbed his hands in glee. It was that time of the century again… He turned to Arwen, who had come to see him as soon as she got his secret message… Poor clueless Aragorn had no idea where she'd gotten to…
"Are the victims, I mean, contestants ready?" Elrond asked her.
Arwen nodded.
"Excellent… let the games begin…"
Meanwhile on some random deserted island…
One large elvish ship dropped off thirteen (gasp, an unlucky number!) clueless and rather confused people. They all fell to the sands of the beach with cries of surprise or muffled grunts.
(Announcer: And now it's time for Stranded! Yay! It's been… what… 100 years? Yeah… So, let's introduce our victims, I mean, contestants!)
One person managed to get out of the pile of people on the beach. He helped another person out of the pile. They were both short, with rather ugly hairy feet. (Announcer: These are clueless contestants numbers one and two. Their names are Frodo and Bilbo Baggins. They are hobbits from the Shire. Bilbo is Frodo's uncle. They were also both Ringbearers. Let us now recall how these bumbling suckers got tricked, I mean, came to be on this little game…)
Galadriel gestured to Frodo, who was supporting his old Uncle Bilbo.
"Get in, go on." She said with a little smile. "Don't worry, it's perfectly safe."
"Uh… we were about to get in." Frodo said. "What's the hurry?"
Galadriel twitched. "Nothing… Nothing! I swear!"
"Okay…" Frodo said as he and Bilbo boarded the ship.
"Ha!" Galadriel said as she put potato sacks over each of the Hobbits' heads.
Frodo cocked his head. He then said, "Bilbo, do you hear something?"
"Frodo, lad, after you pass one hundred and twelve you don't hear much of anything anymore." Bilbo said.
"Oh…" Frodo said.
"What?" Bilbo yelled loudly.
"I said, 'Oh…'" Frodo re-iterated in a loud voice.
"What! Speak up, Frodo lad!"
"I SAID, 'OH…'!" Frodo screamed.
"What was that?"
"Oh, forget it!" Frodo muttered.
"What was that?"
The next person got out of the pile. He was also short, and rather fat, with incredibly ugly and hairy feet, in other words, he was another Hobbit. (Announcer: This is clueless, and rather bumbling, contestant number three, Samwise Gamgee, aka Sam, or as he prefers to call himself, Samwise the Brave! He used to be Frodo's gardener and also accompanied him on the infamous journey to Mount Doom! Let's view how we forcibly got this poor sap to come with us…)
Sam was watering the lovely little garden that came along with Bag End. He was whistling a small song that was so off-tune that nobody except Sam knew what the tune was supposed to be.
Elrond and Celeborn slowly crept up behind the unsuspecting Sam with a potato sack in their hands. Suddenly they put it over his head and dragged him off.
Now where Rosie, his wife, and their children were at this moment of time is beyond speculation… Rumor is that Rosie put the elves up to taking Sam away…
"Hmmm… Now how did I end up here?" Sam muttered to himself. Then, he spotted Frodo and Bilbo. "Oi, Mr. Frodo! What are you doing here?" He said as he ran over to Frodo and Bilbo.
"Sam!" Frodo exclaimed. "It's so good to see you again!"
"What!" Bilbo said.
"How'd we end up here?" Sam asked.
"I don't know. The last thing I remember was getting onto Galadriel's boat and…" Frodo shrugged, clueless.
"This sure is strange…" Sam said.
Bilbo then said, "What!"
Sam and Frodo sighed in irritation.
The next two people who got out of the pile were also hairy little midgets called Hobbits. (Announcer: These are clueless contestants numbers four and five. Their names are Merry and Pippin; they are Hobbits from the Shire. They are also cousins. Let's see how we deceived these poor, clueless, little guys…)
"It says here that we're invited to Gondor for some sort of celebration." Merry said, reading the letter he had received from "Gondor" to Pippin.
"Will there be food?" Pippin asked.
"It says so." Merry said.
"Then I say, let's go!" Pippin said.
"Yeah, but this is weird." Merry said. "It says that we absolutely must take a boat there. And it also has to be the one that they arranged to take us."
"That is rather peculiar." Pippin said. "But they have food there, so no matter what, I still think we should go…"
At the port, Merry and Pippin stared in fascination at the boat.
"Wow…" Merry said. "It sure is big…"
"Yeah." Pippin said. "Let's go!"
As soon as the hobbits got on the boat, tons of elves jumped out of nowhere and said, "Gotcha!" Then, they put potato sacks over the Hobbits' heads and sailed off with them.
"Merry?" Pippin said.
"What, Pip?" He responded.
"I'm hungry!"
"And what do you want me to do about that?"
"I dunno. Do you have any food?"
"No! And even if I did, I would eat it!"
Then, they both spotted Frodo, Bilbo, and Sam. "Hey, guys!" They said. "What are you doing here?"
Frodo shrugged. "None of us know. This is beginning to get stranger with every passing moment."
Sam nodded in agreement.
"What was that!" Bilbo exclaimed.
The next person who emerged from the pile was surprisingly not a Hobbit! In fact, he was a tall old man with a white beard and longish white hair, wearing all white. He scratched his head in confusion and surveyed his surroundings. (Announcer: This is really clueless contestant number six. He is better know as Gandalf the Grey…)
Gandalf cleared his throat and gestured to the white beard, white hair, and white clothes. "It's not that hard to remember! It's Gandalf the White!" He said.
(Announcer: Okay! I'm soooooooooo (not) sorry! Anyways, where was I? Ah, yes… He is better known as Gandalf the White, Mithrandir, or, my favorite, the-stupid-clueless-guy-who-could-have-saved-so-much-time-if-he-had-just-used-the-stinkin'-Eagels-to-take-the-Ring-to-Mount-Doom! Man, that's a mouthful. Anyway, let's see how we "convinced" this guy to come on our show… It wasn't really that hard…)
Elrond waited impatiently at the boat. "Hurry up, Gandalf, or I swear I'll leave without you!"
"Nooooooooooooooooo!" Gandalf yelled, running onto the ship.
"Hah, sucker." Elrond said and put a potato sack over Gandalf's head.
Gandalf continued to look around until he spotted the Hobbits and walked over to them. "Hello, Frodo, Sam, Bilbo, Merry, and… um… what's your name again?" He said, pointing to Pippin.
"Oh, for the love of…" Pippin muttered. "It's Pippin! Is that so hard to remember Gandalf the Grey… I mean… Gandalf the White!" He yelled to Gandalf.
"Ah, now I remember!" Gandalf said, oblivious to what Pippin had said. "You're the Fool of a Took! I knew it would come to me!"
"Ui vei!" Pippin exclaimed, slapping himself on the forehead.
"Gandalf," Frodo said, "do you have any idea why we're here? Bilbo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and I don't remember anything that would give us a clue!"
"Hold on a second…" Gandalf said. "It's coming to me…" He took a thinking pose. All of the Hobbits, except for Bilbo (who was trying to clean out his ears with his finger), were eager for him to remember. "Nope!" Gandalf said. "I got nothing!"
"Oh, man!" Said all of the Hobbits, except for Bilbo.
"What!" Bilbo said.
Back at the pile, another person got out and dusted himself off. Two hands of two other people who were stuck in the pile waved around, hoping that someone would pull them out. The man sighed and pulled on each of the hands until their owners both tumbled out of the pile.
The man looked at who he had pulled out of the pile and looked dumbstruck for a moment or two before he began to run around in circles, screaming, "GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSTS!"
(Announcer: Man, I love family reunions! Anyway, these are clueless contestants numbers seven, eight, and nine. They are, in order that they came out of the pile, Faramir, Boromir, and Denethor. They are all from Gondor. Boromir and Denethor are both dead, by the way; Boromir was killed by arrows. And Denethor set himself ablaze. I guess his mother never told him not to play with fire. Hahaha! Oh well! Anyway, here's how we defied the laws of nature, and some supernatural ones as well, to re-unite this family!)
On a pretty little tropical island of death…
"Whoooooo! Luau!" Ecthelion yelled.
A party was currently in motion. Okay, so they were always partying.
Boromir, Denethor, and Finduilas got in line for the limbo. The pole was being supervised by Haldir.
Everyone else began to chant, "How low can you go? How low can you go?"
Boromir was the first one to go under. As soon as he passed under the pole there was a faint 'pop' and Boromir disappeared.
"My son!" Denethor yelled, dropping to his knees. "Noooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Haldir rolled his eyes. "I'm sure he's okay, now it's your turn to limbo!"
"Fine." Denethor said and went under the pole. Again, there was a faint 'pop' and Denethor disappeared.
Finduilas' mout dropped open. It was her turn to limbo. "Forget it." She said. "I'm getting some punch."
Haldir cursed his rotten luck that he couldn't re-unite the whole family. Oh well, two out of three wasn't bad.
At Minas Tirith…
"And why do I have to go on this ship while wearing a blindfold?" Faramir asked the guard, who looked oddly elvish.
"Umm… it's a surprise?"
"Right… Sorry, I'm not doing it."
"But you have to!"
"Why?"
"Because… I… HE'S ONTO US! GET HIM!" The elf posing as a guard yelled. Suddenly a bunch of elves holding potato sacks surrounded Faramir, potato-sacked his head, and carried him off in the boat.
Faramir was running around in a circle screaming about ghosts. Boromir sighed and picked up his little brother by the shirt and began to shake him. "WE ARE NOT GHOSTS!" He yelled and then put Faramir down.
"Oh, you're not?" Faramir said. "Well… if you're not ghosts… then that means that I'm dreaming! Aha! Oh man… I hope this isn't one of those dreams with the rabid squirrels…" he shudderd. "Squirrels…"
Boromir slapped Faramir in the face, who winced and rubbed the area that had been slapped. "Ow! What'd you do that for!" He said.
"If you were dreaming, that wouldn't have hurt."
"Good point. So what is going on? And how come you and Father are suddenly… not dead?"
Boromir shrugged. "I have no idea…"
"I hate you, Faramir." Denethor said.
"I know." Faramir said with a grimace.
They all spotted the rest of the stranded people and went over to them.
As soon as they got over, Pippin screamed and pointed at Denethor, saying, "Aaaaah! It's Crazy! And he's risen from the dead to seek his unholy revenge against me and Gandalf. Run, Gandalf, run!" Pippin screamed as he and Gandalf began to run in random squiggly directions, screaming their heads off.
Frodo looked at Boromir and said, "Gah! It's the Ring Theif! Abandon all hope! Run for your lives! He'll kill us all!" Frodo begins to run in circles around Bilbo, who says, "What?"
Boromir rolled his eyes, "Geez, you make one mistake…"
The next person to get out of the pile was short, but blissfully had no ugly hairy feet. In place of that, he had a long beard. As he got out of the pile, he muttered furiously to himself.
(Announcer: This is clueless contestant number ten. He is Gimli, son of Gloin. He is a dwarf. Not that you probably couldn't guess that already… Now, let's see how we tricked this contestant into coming…)
"Come on, Gimli! Let's go sailing!" Legolas said to him.
"Ugh! This is the dozenth time you've asked me today! Very well, I'll go with you."
"Okay! Get in this boat!" Legolas gestured to the rather large boat he was in.
"How are two people going to sail that thing?" Gimli asked as he started up the boat's plank.
"Oh, don't worry," Legolas said, with a mischievous grin, "You'll see…"
As soon as Gimli got into the boat, a bunch of Mirkwood elves surrounded him, holding their weapon of choice. No, it's not a bow and arrows… it's potato sacks! They put several over Gimli's head and tied him up as they sailed away.
"I knew it from the day I said it!" Gimli muttered as he walked along the beach. "Never trust an elf!" He kicked at the sand, which flew into his eye. "Aaaah! I've got sand in my eyes!" He ran around, rubbing his eyes until he ran into and knocked over Frodo, Pippin, and Gandalf, all of whom were also running around for their own little reasons.
All of others looked at the new pile-up of Gimli, Gandalf, Frodo, and Pippin.
"Now, if you don't mind me sayin'," Sam said, "That is one of the most pathetic things I've seen in my life."
"Then clearly you don't own a mirror!" Frodo yelled from the pile-up.
"You cut me deep, Mr. Frodo!" Sam said. "Really deep!"
"Oh, shut up!" Gandalf muttered.
"I don't suppose you know anything about our current situation, do you Gimli?" Merry asked.
"Aye, I do. It's the elves' doing! They catch you unsuspecting and then they ambush you with…"
"With what, Gimli?" Merry asked.
"Oh, no, it's too horrible… I cannot speak of it…"
"Oh, for pity's sake!" Boromir said. "Spit it out, Gimli!"
"It's… it's…" Gimli stuttered.
"Out with it!" Boromir yelled.
"…potato sacks."
All of the hobbits, and Gimli, screamed and fainted.
Boromir raised his eyebrows. "Potato sacks? That's not so scary…"
"Then clearly you weren't ambushed by hundreds of elves holding them." Faramir said with a shudder.
Gandalf shuddered as well. "It was truly a life-altering experience."
Boromir smacked his head. "Oh, brother."
"Yes?" Faramir said.
Boromir shook his head.
"I hate you, Faramir." Denethor said.
"I know." Faramir said.
"What!" Bilbo exclaimed.
The next person shook himself free from what was now a very small pile. He then straightened himself up, proudly to his full height and surveyed the surrounding area.
(Announcer: This is clueless contestant number eleven. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, also known as the King of Gondor. Let us now view how this man came to be on our show…)
Arwen summoned Aragorn to the dock. "Aragorn, come out here! I have something to show you!"
Aragorn came out to Arwen. "What is it?"
"I found the perfect place where we can take our Honeymoon."
"Where?"
"Here." Arwen said, gesturing to a large boat.
"Arwen, you know how I hate sailing…"
"Please… For me?" Arwen pleaded.
"Fine." Aragon said and boarded the boat.
Arwen leaned in to kiss Aragorn and he did the same. Right before their lips touched, though, Arwen pulled out a potato sack (gasp!)! She then put it over Aragorn's head and a bunch of elves, including Elrond, came out of nowhere and tied Aragorn up.
Elrond went up to Arwen and said, "Good job, honey, I'm so proud of you!"
"Thanks dad!" Arwen said with a smile.
Aragorn saw all of the other stranded people and went over to them. "What are you all doing here!" He asked them. "I thought this was supposed to be my Honeymoon!"
"Not unless you're married to all of us." Gandalf said sarcastically.
"What!" Bilbo yelled.
"What's going on then?" Aragorn asked. "The last thing I remember was seeing the interior of a potato sack!"
At the moment Aragorn mentioned the dreaded potato sack all of the hobbits, and Gimli, screamed and passed out.
"What's with them?" Aragorn asked.
"Long story." Gandalf said.
"Very well." Aragorn replied.
The last two people to emerge from the pile were big and covered in black robes.
(Announcer: Our last two clueless contestants come from the lands of Mordor! The first one is Sauron, the dark lord. He is famous for his two attempted world conquests.)
Sauron shook his fist at the invisible voice in the sky. "And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling hobbits and that Isildur too!"
(A/N: Whoa! Too much of a Scooby Doo moment there! (shudders).)
(Announcer: Okay… Anyway, the other contestant is Sauron's most loyal minion, the King of the Nazgul, who prefers to be known as Bob, which sounds a lot less intimidating. Hah! Bob!)
Bob glared at the sky. "Are you making fun of my name, punk?"
(Announcer: No!)
"No, what?" Bob hissed.
(Announcer: No, sir!)
"That's more like it…"
(Announcer: I don't see why we had to put these guys on… Well… let's see how we got these big, very scary guys to be on our show…)
Bob and Sauron sat on another death island that was reserved for people who had done very bad things like trying to enslave the free peoples of Middle Earth, maliciously killing lots of people, and all of those who have forced children to eat asparagus (shudder).
"How could we lose!" Sauron growled.
"It wasn't a game, dimwit!" Bob retorted.
"I hate you."
"Well, I hate you more!"
With that, Bob and Sauron got into a slap-fight. Suddenly, there was a flash of light and they were gone. Ooooh… spooky…
Bob pointed at the group of stranded people. "Who are they!"
Sauron looked closely. "Hey, that guy's the guy who destroyed my precious ring!" He hissed, pointing to Frodo. "Let's get him!"
Before any more madness could ensue, however, a flash of light appeared before all of the stranded people and Arwen appeared. "Welcome to our competition!" She said.
"What!" All of the stranded people exclaimed.
"Arwen! What are you doing here!" Aragorn exclaimed.
Arwen smiled. "I am the host of our little game that will begin soon. First, I must explain the rules. All of you will have to fend for yourselves on this island. You can form groups if you want, but that's kind of boring… Oh well…"
"And why should we do this?" Boromir demanded.
"Because if you win, the prize shall be one wish. It can be anything like an ice cream sundae or a pet monkey…"
"…or to get my finger back…" Frodo said.
"…or to become the tallest and most good-looking hobbit the world has ever seen…" Sam said.
"…or to have an infinite all-you-can-eat buffet that changes food for every meal!..." Pippin said.
"…or to be one of the races of men…" Merry said.
"…or to have all of the magic in the world…" Gandalf said.
"…or to get my family back…" Faramir said.
"I hate you, Faramir." Denethor said.
"…with the exception of him…" Faramir added on.
"…or for… no, you already said my wish, Faramir…" Boromir said.
"…or for my son and me to live again and for me to be king of Gondor…!" Denethor exclaimed.
"…or for endless amounts of salted pork and beer…!" Gimi said as his mouth watered.
"…or for…" Aragorn paused. "Actually, I don't think I have a wish…"
"…or for the Ring to be mine and for me to rule the rest of Middle Earth! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Sauron said.
"I'm going to have to think about my wish…" Bob said.
"What!" Bilbo yelled.
"Maybe I could do without the finger and wish for Bilbo's hearing to be restored." Frodo added.
"Good!" Arwen said. "All of you know what you want! If one of you leaves the island, you will be disqualified. Also, you will occasionally be summoned together to vote someone off. Any questions?"
"Yeah, I have a question." Denethor said. "Who are you? Where are you from? And more importantly…" He sprayed his mouth with that breath freshener to make it kissing fresh, "Are you single?"
Arwen looked revolted, Aragorn punched the old man in the jaw, and Boromir and Faramir yelled, "But, you're married!"
"Any other non-revolting questions?" Arwen asked.
"Do you have any food?" Pippin asked.
"No." Arwen said. "You have to find your own food. Any other questions?"
"What!" Bilbo yelled.
Everyone sighed in the hopelessness for his ears.
"Very well, then." Arwen said. "Let the games begin!" She disappeared in a flash of light, leaving the thirteen contestants on their own.
Nari: That's all for now! Sorry if it's too long or if I seriously bashed some of the characters. Please review and tell me what you thought!
