Chapter One
"Hey, everyone else is down in the basement. The first door on your left," Kurt instructed Mike and Matt as they entered his house. "No Matt, your other left… there you go." He was already slightly regretting letting Rachel talk him into letting the 'sleepover' (also her idea) be hosted at his house. Sure it was logical, since both him and Finn lived there and everyone knew where it was. But what if his dad and Carol got back from their honeymoon a little early? Kurt was sure that neither of them would appreciate coming home to drunken teenagers passed out on the floor, and knowing Puck that was exactly how this thing would end. Speaking of the mohawked menace to society, where was he? Everyone else was at least within 20 minutes of being on time.
After 10 more minutes of standing at the door, feeling like a doof, Kurt caved and joined the rest of the gleeks in the basement. "Puck's still not here. Maybe we got lucky and he forgot?" Quinn, Mercedes, and Tina all laughed at the hopeful tone in his voice.
"I forget stuff sometimes." Brittany said. "One time I forgot to feed my fish, so they ran away." everyone stared at the blonde girl who was looking regretful.
"You know what we could do?" Quinn asked, an evil smile creeping across her face.
"Shit," Finn said. "I know that look."
"Kurt, I'm assuming you were serious when you mentioned your tiara collection?"
"Quinn, honey, assuming makes an ass of you and me, and yes I was completely serious. Why?"
"Would you happen to have a feather scarf thing?"
"You mean a feather boa? I have a few, I kept all my old dress up clothes. Again, why?"
"Go grab a boa and a tiara!"
Kurt knew better than to argue with Quinn when she had that look and refused to answer questions. He went and got a bright blue feather boa and a plastic tiara covered in rhinestones. He deposited them in front of the evilly grinning girl and sat back down. Quinn scribbled a note on a piece of paper and handed it to Kurt along with the tiara and scarf. "attach the note to the front door and leave the other stuff on the porch. This is gonna be great!"
"Since you decided to show up when you felt like it, instead of on time like a normal human-being, you have the honor of wearing these for the whole night. You can thank me later. Quinn" Kurt read aloud. "You realize he's gonna think it was my idea and murder me, right?"
"Kurt, grow a pair and then get your ass upstairs and put the note up!" Mercedes said. "he's not gonna kill you. I have a feeling if he attempted it that you could probably take care of yourself."
Kurt muttered as he climbed the stairs. If Puck murdered him then his blood would be on both Quinn's and Mercedes' hands. He taped the scrap of paper to the door and left boa and tiara laying on a chair by the door.
He stalked back to the basement. "There. But you realize he's gonna be in a extremely shitty mood now, don' you?"
"Darn," Mike said sarcastically. "And he's usually such a sweetheart!" Everyone laughed.
It was at that moment that they heard the front door slam and heavy footsteps coming down the stairs. "I'm going to kill you Quinn! You can't even play the pregnant card now! You too Hummel! This has to be your shit cause no one would have thought to bring this with them and as far as I know Finn has always preferred pink when it came to dress-up clothes!" he dodged the pillow that had been launched at his head and plopped down between Tina and Matt.
Quinn just laughed at Puck's threats. "Blue is definitely your color by the way."
Puck smirked at her. "You know your badass when you can make this stuff look sexy. Who wants a beer?" he pulled a couple of six packs out of his book bag he'd been carrying and began tossing cans at people.
Quinn, Rachel, and Kurt were the only ones who refused the alcohol. "I'm pretty sure I know why Quinn doesn't want one. What're your excuses?"
"I feel that underage drinking is wrong and that the consumption of alcohol in general is-" Rachel started before Puck interrupted.
"I get the point. What about you Hummel?"
"I have a low tolerance for alcohol. And when I get drunk I have a tendency to hit on anything that moves."
"Well one beer isn't going to hurt you and if you do get drunk then we'll just laugh and video tape it." Puck said as he tossed Kurt a can.
"Gee, thanks. Now what are we going to do? I'm sure Rachel has some idea of something we could do since it was her idea."
"I was thinking we could just bond. Since the real reason Vocal Adrenaline beat us was that the were unified and united and we weren't. Its like we have cliques within the club. The Cheerios and football players and then the other gleeks. Although both Finn and Quinn migrate between the groups. We need to become a team and friendships are formed by sharing secrets!"
"We'll I'm sure as hell not spilling my guts!" Kurt said.
"Why not dude?" Finn asked. "Don't you trust us?" Kurt was fairly sure that if Rachel had suggested they all go dance in the road, Finn would have been convinced it was a wonderful idea.
"Honestly, no not really. I'm not trying to be mean, but I've never actually had a conversation with Mike or Matt before. You and Puck both used to assist in throwing me in dumpsters. Rachel still makes me want to claw people's eyes out. And some things are secret for a reason."
A lot of people looked wounded by Kurt's reasoning and Mercedes quickly offered a counterargument. "Yeah but Mike and Matt have never been rude to anyone. Puck hasn't thrown anyone in a dumpster for months, Finn's your brother, Rachel makes everyone want to claw people's eyes out- I think it's a gift- and, boy, no one in here is going to judge you! Were all friends here! You know that!"
"Yeah I know…" Kurt said. "It's just that there are some things I'd much rather no one know."
"Well suck it up cause I think Rachel's onto something." Kurt rolled his eyes.
"On second thought, maybe getting drunk wouldn't be so bad." He took a gulp of his beer.
"Okay," Rachel said. "I think what we should do is everyone sit in a circle." Everyone scooted until they were sitting in a circle then Rachel continued. " and we can take turns asking questions- either to one person or to the group as a whole. You have to tell the truth no matter what. Got it?" Everyone nodded. "Okay, who wants to start?"
"I will," Quinn said. "Did anyone else lose their v-card while completely drunk?"
After a second, Kurt said quietly. "I did." Everyone stared at him. "You said you wouldn't judge."
"We're not," Rachel and Mercedes both assured him quickly. "We just want to know what happened."
Kurt sighed and looked down. "The summer between eighth grade and ninth, I went to summer camp and there were these guys who somehow managed to have a supply of alcohol at all times. And then one night when we were all drinking I guess I just had a little too much and I slept with this random girl. I don't know what her name was. I just kinda woke up with her in my bed." he hadn't looked up until now. "That's really it."
Quinn gave him a hug. "It could have been worse you know."
"How?"
"Well for starters you weren't in a relationship, you didn't actually give a shit about the person you slept with, you didn't have to face the person long afterwards, you didn't get kicked out of your house, you didn't get pregnant, you didn't hurt anyone you cared about. See?"
"Yeah. I see." Kurt grinned. "You're kind of great, you know that, right?"
Quinn smiled back. "Yeah, I know. So who's next?"
Rachel, who was sitting next to Quinn volunteered. "Why did everyone join glee?"
"I thought it looked fun." Mercedes said.
"Mercedes made me." Kurt said.
"My parents thought I was emotionally pained and wanted me to join the Cheerios. I convinced them glee would work just as well." Tina laughed.
"I saw Tina try out," Artie admitted.
Finn looked sheepish. "Mr. Shue made me think he thought I had something to do with some weed dealer. He said he was gonna tell my mom if I didn't join glee." everyone laughed.
Quinn went next. "I was supposed to be spying for Ms. Sylvester and I thought Finn was cheating on me with Rachel."
"I wanted in Quinn's pants." Puck said simply.
"Spying." Santana said. Brittany nodded.
"Mike told me to." Matt said.
"Umm… Well… You see… Uh… Pass?" Mike stuttered. Everyone stared at him.
"Spill dude" Finn said. "It can't be any worse than my reason."
Mike muttered something then when everyone continued to stare said in a louder voice. "I had a crush on Kurt."
Matt looked sad. Kurt blushed. Finn looked amused. Puck raised an eyebrow. Artie smiled. All the girls said 'awww'.
"You don't anymore do you?" asked Kurt.
"No." Kurt looked relieved
"Good. I knew you were gay though. I have killer gaydar. And if my gaydar is correct-and it totally is- you and Matt have a thing going."
Mike and Matt both turned bright red. "How did you know?"
"Like I said, gaydar. Most gay guys have good gaydar, you know. And it's not like you made it obvious by, I don't know, hanging all over each other and joining 'Homo Explosion'. Finn's turn."
"Uh, ok, Biggest fear?"
"Snakes," Rachel shuddered.
"Vampires," Tina laughed, thinking of how she'd impersonated her biggest fear to protect her right to her goth clothes.
"Vampires aren't real," Puck said. "spiders."
"Clowns," Matt said.
"Freddie Kruger." Mike said.
"Death," Santana said.
"Ms. Sylvester." Brittany said. Kurt chuckled.
"Rodents of any kind." Artie said.
Mercedes looked embarrassed. "Ants."
"Why?" Puck asked.
"I don't know, they creep me out. They're just freaky."
"Oh, Ok. Kurt's turn."
"Fire."
"Why fire?" Finn asked.
"When we studied the Salem Witch Trials I had a dream that I was burned at the stake."
"Why would they burn you? You don't act like a witch, wouldn't Tina be more likely to get burned? No offense Tina."
"They also burned gay people. That's where the term fag came from. It's short for faggot, which is a bundle of sticks. They used them to tie people in the fire. That's why that term is considered offensive."
Puck, Finn, Mike, and Matt all looked horrified. Kurt understood why Mike and Matt were upset by that but why would Puck and Finn care?
"Why do you two look so disturbed?" He asked them.
"Um… I never knew that. If I had I would never have called you that. And I'm still really sorry." Finn said.
"Yeah, I'm sure if Karofsky and the rest knew they wouldn't call you that any more." Puck agreed.
Kurt laughed humorlessly. "Actually I bet that would just give them the idea to try to burn me at the stake. Or disturb them just as much as it did Mike and Matt." Puck and Finn glanced at each other.
"Um… Why would it disturb them?" Finn asked. "I mean I get why it would disturb people and everything but you compared them to Mike and Matt and their…"
"Gay?" Matt, Mike, Kurt, and Puck all said at the same time.
"Seriously, I'm surprised Karofsky and Azimo haven't been outed. I mean, really. They hang out together all the time. Just the two of them. It's sort of obvious." Everyone was staring at him. "What? Super gaydar, remember?" He quickly changed the subject. "Who wants to go next?"
"I will," Puck said. "Person in this room who is getting on your nerves the most lately? And Why?"
Rachel, like last time, was the first to respond. "Mercedes. She always acts like she thinks I don't deserve any solos and she could perform them better."
Mercedes was next. "Rachel. She acts like she's the only one who knows how to sing."
Finn smiled as he said "Artie. Cause he won't get up the guts and ask Tina out already." He just grinned even more when Artie threw his empty beer can at him.
"Finn" Kurt said, too everyone's surprise. "Cause I'm sick of cleaning his piss off the floor, since he obviously has no control over his dick and can't hit the toilet to save his life- or bother to lift the seat up. Or pick up his clothes. And since he thinks it's okay when he has friends over to let whoever won't fit in his bed with him crawl into bed with me. I mean, it's fine when it's Puck, Mike, or Matt. I just hate waking up with random guys I don't know in my bed with no memory of how they got there!"
"Me too!" Brittany said.
"Brittany, sweetheart," Kurt said. "I think it's a little different."
"How?"
"I don't sleep with them sleep with them you know?"
"Why not?"
"Just cause." Kurt said. Brittany was satisfied wit his answer.
"Puck." Brittany said in response to the original question. "He keeps staring at Kurt during practice and bumps into me." Puck blushed a deep shade of red and ducked his head in embarrassment. He was immensely relieved when no one questioned him and it moved on to a conversation about why Santana was pissed at Matt for not telling her about Mike, Then why Tina was also annoyed at Artie for not asking her out already.
"Who's next?" Rachel asked.
"I'll go." Matt said. "Kurt. How'd you figure out you were gay?"
Kurt rolled his eyes. "It wasn't exactly a all-of-a-sudden thing. But I guess when I finally accepted it and everything was last year in the locker room- don't give me an alarmed look Puck, it's not actually perverted if you'll just listen- and all the boys were talking about girls. And I realized that I never had and never would feel that way about a girl, although I did thoroughly enjoy checking out the other guys."
"What made you start thinking you were gay?" Matt asked.
Kurt sighed. "Do you just want the whole story?"
"That'd be nice."
"Ok well, after I slept with the girl from camp, I felt funny. I felt like since normal guys seemed to enjoy sleeping with girls so much, maybe there was a reason, besides being drunk off my ass at the time, that I hadn't felt anything. And I had a friend who thought she was possibly lesbian, so we kinda- you know. And we found out that she was straight and I was not so straight. After that, all I had to do was accept it. And I did."
"What about coming out? How'd you do that?"
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Technically I've only came out to like seventeen people. The rest are just assuming. And before you can ask, Cedes, the six people besides the eleven of you are my dad(of course), Carole, Mr. Shue, Jesse since I talked about my sexuality in glee when he was still around, Karofsky, and Azimo. When I was yelling at them before their attempt at beating me up I said stuff about 'being different' and I mean really, what else would I mean by that? And it's not that hard to guess anyway, I'm kinda a flamer."
"No, really?" Puck asked mockingly. "I had no idea, never would have even guessed."
"Shut up." Kurt said with a chuckle. "Who's next?"
Santana looked at Kurt with a look that he assumed was suppost to pass as disinterest. "Hummel. Who was your almost lez friend? Maybe she could still be converted."
"Doubtful. And I can't tell you. I swore that I would never tell anyone and so far I haven't."
"Well, do we know her?" Finn asked.
"Yes."
"Just tell us!"
"No. I can't. I promised."
"Hummel, Your gonna have to break a promise sometime. Might as well be now." Puck said.
"No! I am not going to spill because I greatly respect this girl and she specifically said not to ever tell anyone.."
"She won't mind." Tina said quietly.
"Yes she would. It would embarrass her and she should just be able to relax because her last few months have been shit."
"They weren't that bad. I bet she got over it. And she just wants her friends to know everything, cause that's what friends are for. Tell us."
"It was Tina." Kurt said as he examined his suddenly fascinating hem on his shirt.
"Shit, Hummel. How many girls have you had sex with?" Puck sounded impressed.
"Umm…four, five maybe?"
"But your gay."
"No, really? Surely you jest. Of course I'm gay!"
"Usually gay guys don't go around fucking girls."
"Well with the first one I was drunk, then with Tina it was kind of on purpose but it was just to be sure I was gay, then with Brittany it was because I thought I could make myself straight, then there was this girl, Rana, she blackmailed me and said that if I didn't sleep with her then she'd tell everyone something, then I got drunk again and slept with some Cheerio who I don't remember the name of."
"Kurt. Show them what Rana was threatening to tell everyone." Mercedes said. "They won't judge. They love you and I don't think that this will change that."
"No."
"Come on,"
"They'll think I'm freaky. Then they'll hate me."
"You're showing them. You can either take off your pants by yourself or I will make you take them off."
Everyone else, who had no idea what was going on, was disturbed when Kurt sighed, muttered "Fine whatever", then pulled his pants off, sat down and twisted his left leg so that the inside of his thigh was facing up. Everyone stared at the words making up the list that was carved on Kurt's leg in thin white scars, It was a list of words. Horrible words, mostly homophobic slurs. "Uh, Kurt? Why do you have words on your leg?" Puck asked.
Kurt muttered something, Mercedes elbowed him, then he said "It's a list of names I got called. Every single one from the first day of freshman year, til the day when Cedes caught me and made me stop. If she hadn't I would of filled this thigh, probably the other one as well." Puck leaned closer and read Kurt's leg. He counted the names he had called Kurt as well as the names he had convinced Mike, Matt or Finn to call him. Thirty- five. Thirty-five times he had caused Kurt pain. He brushed his fingertips over the raised, puckered marks on Kurt's otherwise flawless skin. He knew that the rest of glee club was most likely staring at him, but he didn't really care. All that was running through his mind was images of Kurt with blood flowing from his leg from the cuts in the shape of word that had come from his mouth. "Fuck Kurt, I'm sorry."
Kurt's forehead wrinkled in confusion. "What for?"
"Out of all those words, I was some how responsible for thirty-five of them- either saying them myself or making Mike, Matt, or Finn say them. And I'm sorry."
Kurt smiled softly. "Your taking responsibility for four people's actions and you really should just be taking responsibility for your own. Mike, Matt, and Finn could have said no, it was their choice." When no one said anything for a minute he said sadly, "You must all think I'm so screwed up. I'm gay but I keep screwing girls and I'm and ex-cutter."
Tina rolled up her sleeve and showed Kurt her arm. It was covered it scars- designs, the word bitch, and ragged slashes. "Your not the only one. I used to sit and gouge my skin with a safety pin. When I couldn't find safety pins I would stand in the shower with the water as hot as it would go and let it burn me. I stopped when I joined glee. It was like as soon as I had friends, it didn't matter what the jocks said about me." Tina scooted closer and Kurt pulled her into a big hug.
"Did you ever try to kill yourself?" Kurt asked softly.
"No. Did you?"
"Yeah. After football practice one day I swallowed half a bottle of my dad's sleeping pills. I probably would of died if it weren't for Puck. He decided it was a good day to beat the shit out of me and it made me throw up." Kurt said. "Now you probably really think I'm screwed up."
"No," Puck corrected him. "Now we all think we're complete asses."
The 'game' went on. It was rather uneventful. Brittany asked if anyone believed in unicorns being the only highlight. Well that and watching Puck gaze at Kurt while Kurt kept his eyes directed toward his lap.
"Ok," Rachel said after everyone had asked a question. "Who's up for a little bit of a lighter game?"
