In loving memory of my Darling Niece Dakota who passed away early April. Only 9 months old. Rest In Peace.


I remember...God, I remember it all like it was yesterday; I remember it clear as day.

I remember I cried until I couldnt breathe and my head hurt.

I remember the hell that I, no, that we, went through.

I remember the insanity I felt just waiting to escape and wreak havoc on me from the inside out.

I remember the sick feeling in my stomach, the knot in my throat and the painful weight on my chest.

I remember the bittersweet dreams or the nightmares; They were torture.

I remember the numbness to everything around me and the constant pain in my ribs.

I remember the minutes passing as years and the hours as decades.

I remember the breakdowns that had me so weak I fell to my knee's and I remember always looking up and screaming hysterically in my head at God to save you when those episodes happened.

I remember the strength I felt when I thought of you alive and well and I remember that helping me to get off my knee's again.

I remember the hypervenalating from fear, from worry.

I remember how the days lasted so long I couldnt stand it and how I had to hold on to anything I could to keep from letting go.

I remember how cold you were and I remember your warmth.

I remember clearly how helpless I felt and I remember your progress.

I remember the shield around me that made life seem unreal and I remember the despair.

I remember the feeling of being swollowed whole and my thoughts getting consumed by you.

I remember how wrong I felt being able to open my eyes, to feel things, and to hear things.

I remember the guilt of being able to walk and talk and wake up and laugh.

I remember the shallow feeling behind my smiles; worse than the old ones.

I remember the depression seeping in on me and my last thread leaving me, No longer able to kneel before the white box that held your body but not your soul on that green patch.

I remember writing 'I love you' on your parting gift and the tears stinging my eyes after.

I remember how it felt like I was holding back the world from falling out of my eyes.

I remember that feeling of dread when I walked where you once had a permanent presence.

I remember the emptiness after leaving the grave side and I remember the strength it took to keep from jumping in that hole with you.

I remember how I felt this slightest hope that If I tore it open before it was buried; You'd warmly smile at me with bright brown chocolate eyes and without a still face.

I remember the life in your eyes and the rasp in your cry.

I remember the contentment I used to feel when holding you.

I remember how happy I'd get when I made you smile and how you could light up my day like nothing else.

I remember the loss I felt when I pictured your smile and all the time's I could've been with you.

I remember it all as if it were yesterday because It was only so long ago.

Mainly,

I remember the love you brought into the room when you were there.

I remember how united we all were to protect you; A silent agreement.

I still feel that love for you. I still miss you when your not here. I still feel like holding you until you fall alseep to just watch your tummy rise and fall and your face flicker from difderent images in your head. I miss how you'd grin crookedly and how you'd rock when you were excited.

I miss it all.

Even though I'll never have it physically anymore; The memories, the emotions, the feelings; I'll never forget them.

I'll never forget how you were to good and beautiful for the world to stay in it.

Most of all though, I promise you; Ill never forget anything that has to do with you baby girl.

~ Sincerely, Aunt Lexy.


I dont mind if you read...this is mainly just a venting thing.