I watch him go and don't know what to think. I know it is my fault – know I can save him if I want to. I want to. I really want to.
But he is already dead – inside. Maybe it is too late to save him. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe.
Or perhaps he's just like me. Perhaps he just wanted it all to end and went about doing it the wrong way. The very wrong way. The worse way. Why Gavner? Why?
"I hope my snoring didn't…keep you awake." That hurt. It really hurt. I held him so tightly. I thought that if I held tight enough then maybe the life wouldn't leave him. It would have no where to escape from. But before he had turned cold I had to run. I had to run as fast as I could. No use both of us being dead.
I released him gently. I saw his eyes close, his mouth shut and his head roll back. That is when I knew he was dead. He was so quiet…so so quiet. He looked asleep – and wasn't snoring. Oh Gavner…
I started into the blue eyes of Gavner's killer. They were like my eyes. He wasn't bad. He wasn't. Come back to me…please come back. You are lost – wondering far far away – somewhere I cannot go. Come back to me before I lose site of you…you're going…going.
I look around the hall, shaking the memories away. No one is crying. Not even for Gavner. He will have his tears later. The blonde haired boy is in front of me. I don't want to look at him but I have to and immediately I regret it. I've betrayed him…he is my friend. He was my friend.
The blood is poured on his chest. The red liquid dribbles down his stomach and my tears roll down my cheeks. They lead him away. He doesn't look at anyone but me. Why is he looking at me? Why? Does he want me to save him? I could if I wanted to – if I really wanted to. I do want to…so why aren't I?
He is taken to the door. I see him strain his neck back to look at me and I cry some more.
"I'm sorry," I mouth. I don't know why. Why am I sorry? I shouldn't be sorry. But I am…I am really really sorry.
He starts to cry. It tears me up inside. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I'm breathing fast, my vision blurry from tears. I whisper his name and I know it will be the last time I'll ever be allowed to say it. You're going…you're going…going…gone.
One second you were there and now you're out the door. I know where you are going now. And I know where you'll go after that.
Goodbye. I'm so sorry. Goodbye my friend, my brother, my love. We will meet again one day. When we can talk. Or maybe you won't want to.
Farewell…Kurda. The boy who was so like me. My friend…Kurda Smahlt.
