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Hi. I'm Jesus-Fucking-Christ.
Son of God. Savior of the world. Humanity's messiah – ah, fuck this shit. If you don't know who I am by now, then where the fuck have you been all this time?
But I digress.
Right now, I'm wandering aimlessly in heaven, looking down at humanity through Heaven's "God Mode" vision tool, watching them preparing for a shitty un-Christian celebration called Halloween. It's about a week away at this point, so I see parents and their children scurrying around, decorating houses, fences and pretty much anywhere they can hang some lights and plastic jack-o-lanterns, satanic figures and other ugly shit.
I sweep my gaze over to a particularly small suburb called Fenwick, which is full of small, cosy looking houses, all with cream white concrete walls, dark tiled sloping roofs with a small chimney poking up from one side, and neat green front lawns. Most of these houses are all perfectly lined up around suburban streets, most of which stretched on in straight lines for about the length of fifteen houses in a row before ending in T-junctions at either end, before continuing on to do the same shit over and over again, forming perfect grids of boring, criss-crossing streets.
Basically, this suburb was a neatly developed living space, made for middle class douchebags and their families.
Said douchebags and their families are currently scurrying around in the bright morning Sunday sun, draping string lighting over the fronts of their houses, placing pumpkin lanterns along their walkways, littering their front yards with fake plastic ghosts, zombies, demons, tombstones, Donald Krumpfs and other satanic shit, and basically making their properties look as fucking ugly as possible.
And to think that they're doing all this on a Sunday! When they could be at church! What the fuck is wrong with people nowadays?
But I digress.
Anyway, there isn't anything too interesting going on at this point in time, with pretty much every fucking house doing the same fucking thing, so I find myself getting bored quickly and my mind begins to wander as I look around.
Why the fuck aren't these people decorating their yards with fucking awesome biblical figures, like Moses, God, or even me? These people did plenty of awesome and scary shit, plenty more awesome than what shitty ghosts and zombies do in equally shitty fiction.
I mean, look what my daddy did to Pharaoh and the Egyptians – locusts, rivers of blood, child killings… that's plenty scary. Why the fuck are these people falling all over themselves over these fictional spawns of Satan? Why the fuck is Halloween such an ungodly holiday?
Then it hits me. These people don't know how awesome my daddy is. They haven't accepted me as their Lord and Savior. They've forgotten about my awesome power. Hell, these people can't even be bothered to go to church today, instead wasting their precious money on these crappy plastic displays instead of giving it to the church where it could go to some better cause, like buying the pastor a shiny new car or private plane so he can do the Lord's will.
Somebody's going to have to fix this fucking situation.
I look around the suburb more carefully, eyeing every street to look for godly people railing against the corruption of the culture. It's hard to spot anyone doing this sort of thing these days – after all, not everyone is brave enough to go the route of the Westboro Baptist crusader-type railing against faggots and other people that my daddy hates, so I have to really look hard to find them. If they exist, these people will probably be the "stealth Christian" type – the one that keeps their faith to themselves until they absolutely need to use it. They're more common these days, because most of my followers have become major pussies.
Eventually, I find a street which looks just like all the other streets in this suburb, with the exception of two things. On one end of the street, at the T-junction is a medium sized sandstone Catholic church building, complete with towering spires and stained glass windows. It's taking up the land area of four houses, and is surrounded by some of the nicest, greenest lawns in this whole suburb.
Unfortunately, on the other T-junction at the opposite end is the house of an obvious douchebag. It looks just like all the other houses in the neighborhood, except it's double story. It has all the usual Halloween decorations, just like the others, but this time, it has a massive banner hung across the second floor, saying "Fenwick Atheist Group" in big black letters.
Fenwick Atheist Group. F.A.G. Suits them just right if I do say so myself, the fucking pricks.
But no matter. Earth is full of douchebags. I'll just ignore them, and work with the church on the end.
Sure, they're Catholics, and Catholics are a majorly uptight lot, that take orders from a creepy old fucker called the Pope, who's an expert in sounding boring and molesting kids, but beggars can't be choosers. I'll work with what I have.
Now I have to formulate some sort of plan. How am I going to save all these ungodly people? Well, I'll have to convince them to stop celebrating Halloween and go to Church and celebrate God. And to do that, I'll have to go down there and start spreading the good news to these people, just like in the good old days.
I allow my mind to wander again, thinking about how awesome it would be to be back down on Earth. Just imagine, me walking around the streets dressed up as me, Jesus Christ for Halloween, while everybody else has their shitty cheap costumes. Not only will my costume look so much better, I'll be able to spread my glory once again, gathering a massive crowd of Christ-followers in the process, which I'll then lead into the church where they'll be served by the priests and deacons and then God himself as he makes himself present among the congregation…
That would be pure brilliance. But I digress yet again. There's a roadblock that I need to address.
Now if you recall, I am still grounded for getting too chummy with Satan way, way back, but hopefully I should be able to talk my daddy into letting me off for now. After all, apart from being a major douche-fuck, God is also a mega narcissist and hates the idea of people not worshiping him. Shouldn't be too hard to convince him to let me off for some evangelism work.
I run off to the throne in search of my dad to ask, and sure enough, I guessed right: I'm temporarily un-grounded so I can go down to Earth and walk among the people as one of them.
Now if you've read your Bibles like you should have, then you might be confused. Shouldn't the second coming of Christ be when the rapture happens? Well, yeah, but like I said, daddy's a douche fuck. Also, he's fucking lazy, so he'll make exceptions when he wants to get out of doing shit.
Hell, Moses and friends killed three thousand people over a fucking golden calf after receiving the ten commandments, of which commandment seven says "thou shalt not kill" and God let him get away with that, so stop whining.
Of course, Daddy didn't let me off without a condition: that I was to be stripped of most of my powers. Daddy doesn't want me to cause too much of a scene. It shouldn't be too much of a problem. I can still reach people without miracles.
So, with that said, I walk past heaven's usual scenery: the towering golden mansions, the rivers of milk and honey, and the massive wide open fields of unnaturally green grass, to reach the front gate, where I break out into a run to the boundary of heaven and beyond, then activating my messiah warp teleport down to Earth.
Time to become righteous again, dear humanity, because I'm fucking back, bitches.
