Chapter 1
This takes place a while after Trials. Olivia's still seeing her therapist and still hasn't told Elliot what happened.
"Come on, what's the worst that could happen? You never let me set you up. What, you trust me to keep you alive but you don't trust me to find you a date?"
"It's not about trusting you, Elliot; I just don't want to date anyone right now." Olivia yawned again as the elevator doors slid shut behind her.
"Maybe you're right." Olivia looked at him, a little surprised. "You'd probably fall asleep before the waiter could bring you drinks. What's going on?"
The elevator doors slid open and Olivia shrugged, stepping out. "Just haven't been sleeping well lately, you know what that's like."
"You wanna talk about it?"
"No, I really don't."
The detectives felt strange walking into a quiet squadroom again; yesterday it had been absolutely insane. It had since cleared out and now it was quiet again and they were back to their usual case load. "Maybe you should take some time off," Elliot suggested.
"I'm just a little tired, Elliot; we can't take time off every time that happens. Really, I'm fine."
"Then let me fix you up." Olivia glared at him and Elliot just smiled.
Olivia sighed and shook her head. "Forget it, El."
The rest of the day passed pretty slowly. No exciting chases or busting perps, just routine interviews and paperwork. Olivia was relieved when her shift finally came to an end, until Cragen came into a squadroom to put a swift end to everyone's happiness. "We got a high profile case coming in. Nobody's leaving her tonight."
Everyone groaned except Olivia. "Captain, I can't."
"I don't care what other commitments you have, Detective, I need you here," Cragen said.
Olivia looked around uncomfortably at the other detectives watching her. "I'm sorry, Captain, I really have to leave. I'll be back in a few hours."
"In my office, Detective." Olivia followed Cragen, feeling everyone's eyes on her as she went.
"I'm sorry, Captain, you know I wouldn't be doing this if it was nothing."
"What's so important?"
She considered telling him it was none of his business, but decided against it. Instead she looked down and said, "I'm going to see my therapist. I've cancelled three times already and...I really need to go."
Cragen sighed and his demeanour softened. "How's your counseling going?"
Olivia sighed and slid into the chair behind her. "It's not. Maybe I just need to give it more time, but..." She shook her head.
"Well I know you're not sleeping. Are you at least eating?"
"I try."
"You know I'll give you as much time as you need, all you have to do is ask."
"The last thing I need is more free time."
Cragen nodded. "Alright. Go on."
Olivia stood up and left the office, heading for her desk to grab her coat. "Tell him I'm got the weekend off. It's the only chance I'm giving him."
"You won't regret it," Elliot called as she headed out of the squadroom.
"I doubt that," she muttered under her breath.
SVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVU
"Are you still sleeping with the lights on?"
"Yes."
"What happens when you turn them off?"
Olivia swallowed and took a deep breath, staring down at her hands. "I can hear him kicking over boxes and chairs, rattling the storage cages...calling for me. I...can't even look in the mirror anymore, it's like his face is about to appear in the glass, in every window."
"You keep them covered?" Olivia nodded. "I know it's hard to believe now, Olivia, but he can't hurt you anymore. He's behind bars, and he's not getting out."
"You don't think I know that? I'm the one who arrested him. Knowing that doesn't change anything. Putting him in jail doesn't change what happened."
"I know..."
"No, I really don't think you do. You keep telling me he can't hurt me, her can't hurt me...I know he can't hurt me, that's the problem! Maybe if he was free there'd be a reason for me to act this way, but he's not. There's no reason I should be paying double my usual electric bill or putting on my make-up in the SVU washroom because it's the only place I feel safe. That's why I need help!"
"I understand that, Olivia, but..."
"There's nothing you can do, because I'm the only one who can change anything. Yeah, I get it."
"That's not what I was going to say."
Olivia shook her head. She'd been getting sick of therapy for a long time, and now she felt bad for leaving work. She stood up without saying any more, ignoring her therapist urging her to stay. Therapy clearly wasn't working. She didn't need someone telling her over and over 'It's not your fault, it's not your fault,' what she really needed was sleep.
She really wanted to go home and sleep, but she knew she wouldn't be able to. Instead she went to the squadroom, where everyone was on edge because of the high-profile case. "I thought you'd be gone longer than that," Elliot said when Olivia entered the squadroom.
"Just couldn't stay away, I guess. What's going on?"
"Kidnapping, some rich guy." Elliot yawned and leaned his head back, stretching out his neck.
"Some rich guy?" Olivia raised her eyebrow as she sat down.
"Yeah, a stock broker. Apparently he donates a lot of money to local law enforcement, so the case gets top priority. It's a fresh kidnapping case, though, a three-year-old girl, so it would be top priority anyway." Olivia barely understood his last words through his yawn.
"You should take a nap."
"Me? You're the one who's been yawning all day. You might as well lie down; Cragen's not expecting you back for another couple hours anyway, right? Go on, I'll cover for you."
Rather than rejecting his offer as she might normally have done, she thanked him and went into the crib. It was the last place she really felt safe to sleep anymore. The dark still scared her, but she didn't dare turn the lights on, and it was easier to ignore knowing she was surrounded by cops, especially Elliot, who she often thought of as her protector, and Fin, who had saved her from Harris in the first place. Thinking about them and reminding herself that she was safe, Olivia was able to fall asleep.
The usual nightmare woke her up. She had to fight hard to keep her panic at bay. She lay in bed for several minutes, breathing hard, trying not to hyperventilate. When her breathing slowed and she was able to focus again, she returned to the bullpen to help Elliot, wishing yet again that she could sleep for more than a couple hours at a time.
