"Ever After in 15 Minutes!"
A/N: I was bored…don't bash me. I know it's bad and I know it defeats the purpose of the film, but bear with me, kay?I love the movie but have never written for this fandom before! Enjoy.
RANDOM OLD WOMAN: Once upon a time…
10 Years Ago…
(AUGUSTE DE BARBARAC comes home with his new wife in tow)
AUGUSTE DE BARBARAC: Welcome home! I don't know you at all, but you're so pretty, I'm glad I married you anyways!
RODMILLA DE GHENT: Me too. (Snickers evilly to herself.)
AUGUSTE: Where's my favorite daughter?
MARGUERITE & JACQUELINE DE GHENT: He-ey!
(In runs DANIELLE, soaked in mud)
DANIELLE: Daddy! I just beat up a boy and left him to rot in the mud!
GUSTAVE: Urg…
AUGUSTE: Atta girl! Meet your new mommy!
DANIELLE: A new mommy? Hooray!
RODMILLA: (to herself) I hate you, bitch. Uh…I mean, hello Danielle, at last we meet!
AUGUSTE: Danielle, I brought you another book! (hands Utopia to Danielle)
DANIELLE: THANKS!
RODMILLA: Where's MY present?!?! (mutters) Bitch…
AUGUSTE: I'm here to stay forever.
The Next Day…
AUGUSTE: I lied, I have to go away. (rides off and has heart attack)
DANIELLE: PAPA!!!
AUGUSTE: I love you, Danielle, better than my wife… (dies)
RODMILLA: (turns to Danielle) Be afraid…be VERY afraid!
DANIELLE: gulp
10 Years Later…
(At a castle where the King, Queen, and Prince Henry live…)
HENRY: Waaaah! I don't wanna marry a hot, sexy Spanish princess!
KING: Too freaking bad, you pansy!
(Henry runs away and steals Danielle's father's old horse)
DANIELLE: THIEF! DUMBASS! DIEEE! (chucks apple at Henry, who falls off horse with a single apple) Oh god…I just used a Prince's head to make applesauce…
HENRY: I like applesauce…thanks…(tosses a few gold coins at Danielle and rides away)
Back at home…
MARGUERITE: I'm too sexy for you, old crone.
RODMILLA: Marguerite, wanna marry Prince Henry?
MARGUERITE: Yay!!!
JAQUELINE: What about me?
RODMILLA: I only had you because there'd be a plot hole if I didn't.
JACQUELINE: sobs
DANIELLE: Um, stepmother? Can I buy back the servant you sold?
RODMILLA: No, bitch.
At court...
(Danielle dresses up as a courtier and goes to court to buy back the servant, Maurice, anyways)
DANIELLE: Let him go!
CART DRIVER: NOOOOO! Nyah nyah nyah!
PRINCE HENRY: She's sexy! Let her servant go!
(cart driver does)
PRINCE HENRY: Do I know you?
DANIELLE: No. My names…um….Mom.
PRINCE HENRY: Okay, Mom! See you later! My dad's letting me find my own bride before the mask instead of marrying the hot, sexy, Spanish princess!
DANIELLE: Whoopdy-FREAKING-doo.
At the house…
DANIELLE: Here's Maurice!
PAULETTE & LOUISE: Yippee!!
RODMILLA: Danielle, you threw an apple at the Prince, you dumbass!
DANIELLE: I didn't recognize him!
RODMILLA: Bullshit.
MARGUERITE: Ima gonna be the Que-en!
JACQUELINE: sobs
By a lake…
HENRY: So, you're REALLY gay?
DAVINCI: Yeah. I don't think anyone will find out, though. I think it's fun to let people fight over that!
HENRY: What about your Last Supper painting?
DAVINCI: Mary Magadalene is sitting on Jesus' right hand. Yep.
HENRY: What about love?
DAVINCI: Urg….I'll get back to you on that…gotta go walk on water!
DANIELLE: (swimming by) YAAAARGHH!!!!
HENRY: Mom! Hiii!
DANIELLE: Henry…um….yeah, hi.
(long pause…)
DANIELLE: Okay, bye.
In court…
RODMILLA: So…where is he?
FREAKY LITTLE MIDGET GUARD: I'll tell you all.
RODMILLA: I think I love you, you creepy little dwarf!
FREAKY LITTLE MIDGET GUARD: Score!
MARGUERITE: (picks up a necklace) QUEENIE!
QUEEN: Yes?
MARGUERITE: You dropped this!
QUEEN: S'not mine.
MARGUERITE: Take it.
QUEEN: We'll talk later!
In the woods…
DANIELLE: So, you don't know where your castle is?
HENRY: Yeah. Plot hole, eh?
DANIELLE: Moron. (gets naked and climbs up in tree) There is it!
HENRY: Ohhh yeah, Momma! I mean…uh…GYPSIES! RUN!
GYPSIES: Argh…
HENRY: Oh my god…there really ARE gypsies!
(Gypsies rob Henry)
DANIELLE: Let him go, I want my stuff that isn't really mine back! And because you're killing my boyfriend, I want a horse too!
HENRY: um…why couldn't you just ask for me back?
DANIELLE: Plot hole. Far out.
GYPSY MAN: You can have anything you can carry!
(Danielle picks up Henry and walks away)
GYPSY MAN: Shit.
At home again…
DANIELLE: I made out with Hen-ry! I made out with Hen-ry at the gypsy camp!
(Danielle catches Rodmilla trying a pretty white dress out on Marguerite)
DANIELLE: MY MOTHER'S DRESS!!
MARGUERITE; Yo momma's dead.
(Danielle punches Marguerite. Marguerite finds Danielle's Utopia book and chucks it in the fire.)
MARGUERITE: Gimme the shoes!
DANIELLE: My book!
RODMILLA: Gimme the shoes and I'll buy you another one!
(She does)
RODMILLA: I lied, bitch.
JACQUELINE: Sobs
At castle…
HENRY: Mom's engaged to a BELGIAN even though Belgium doesn't exist yet?!?!
QUEEN: Rodmilla and Marguerite told me so. Those two are never wrong, you know.
HENRY: Aw crap! Now I gotta marry the hot, sexy, Spanish princess! I HATE MY LIFE!!!
At the house…
RODMILLA: I locked Danielle in the basement and left the dumbass servants to guard her, so let's go to the ball now!
MARGUERITE: I'm a peacock!
JACQUELINE: Sobs, I'm a fatty horsey.
MARGUERITE: Who are you, Mother?
RODMILLA: An asshole.
MARGUERITE: Go figure.
JACQUELINE: sobs
At the ball…
DAVINCI: Go dress as a guard, and I'll get Danielle to the ball, kay?
GUSTAVE: I love you…
DAVINCI: I'm gay, not a pedophile.
GUSTAVE: Bombs away! (drops a flowerpot and kills Freaky Little Midget Guard while he takes a piss on the wall and puts on his clothes) Hmm…maybe I should have killed someone with a neck….
At the buffet table…
LAURENT: Who-a! A GIRL fatty horsey! He-ey, baby! How firm are YOUR hooves?
JACQUELINE: sobs
Back in the main ballroom…
HENRY: I'm getting married to….
(Danielle comes in as a beautiful butterfly)
DANIELLE: I'm not engaged, but—
HENRY: I'd love you no matter who you were!
RODMILLA: She's my servant, Danielle!
HENRY: I hate you. (runs away)
DANIELLE: Damnit. I was supposed to have a happy ending! (runs back home, dropping a slipper. Davinci picks it up and goes to Henry alone)
DAVINCI: Bastard.
HERNY: What?
DAVINCI: Jackass.
HENRY: Why?
DAVINCI: She fucking loves you, you pansy ass! You don't wanna get married to the hot, sexy, Spanish princess, do you?
HENRY: No way in hell.
DAVINCI: Moron. (lays slipper in Henry's sight and goes away, leaving him in the rain.)
At the house…
RODMILLA: Danielle, I sold you.
DANIELLE: Go figure. Shoot me while I'm down.
RODMILLA: I live for it, bitch. You're le Pieu's slave now.
DANIELLE: So?
(enter Le Pieu, an ugly old pedophile who's coming on 50 and still a virgin because he's creepy and ugly as hell)
LE PIEU: You're gonna hold my sword, Danielle.
READERS: Take a second to get the innuendo.
DANIELLE: NOOOOO!!! NOT HIS SWORD!!!(she gets shoved into Le Pieu's carriage and driven away)
Wedding hall in the Big Castle…
(enter: Hot, Sexy, Spanish Princess)
HENRY: I hate my life.
HOT SEXY SPANISH PRINCESS: WAAAAAHHHH!
HENRY: Amen, sister.
HOT SEXY SPANISH PRINCESS: WAAAH!! WAAAHH!!
RODMILLA & MARGUERITE: Amen, sister.
HOT SEXY SPANISH PRINCESS: WAAAAH!!! WAAAH!!! WAAAAH!!!
PRIEST: Amen, sister!
HENRY: (laughing) I get what you mean. Get away from me and shake your huge boobs at you lover over there!
HOT SEXY SPANISH PRINCESS: Amen, brother! (runs and starts kissing her Spanish lover…a not so hot, sexy Spanish peasant while Henry goes to find Danielle)
At the house…
HENRY: Mom…I mean…Danielle?
MAURICE: She's been sold!
HENRY: To who?
JACQUELINE: Pierre Le Pieu. He's not very nice. Sobs
HENRY: Let's go. Looks like I gotta heroically rescue her!
LAURENT: He-ey! It's Fatty Girl Horse! What's new, Pussycat?
JACQUELINE: They couldn't have hired a cuter guy for the part. Sobs
Le Pieu's Place…
LE PIEU: How does my sword feel?
DANIELLE: Cold, sharp, and hard.
READERS: Cringe.
DANIELLE: Now let me go or I'll use your own sword to cut you in half!!
LE PIEU: Oh, fine.
(Henry bursts in)
HENRY: Let her go! I have a big sword!!
LE PIEU: Bigger than mine!
DANIELLE: Too late. He let me go.
HENRY: Crap. I should have asked that old crone by the brook for directions!
DANIELLE: Why are you here?
HENRY: You forgot your shoe…(whips out shoe)…oh yeah, and marry me too, Danielle?
DANIELLE: Say my name again!!
HENRY: Um…ok. Danielle!
DANIELLE: WHEEE!!!
At the house…
LAURENT: Baroness de Ghent and her daughters are requested to dress in style and to go to court immediately!
RODMILLA: Looks like Marguerite's gonna be Que-en!
MARGUERITE: Yeah!!!
JACQUEINE: Yeah, right.
LAURENT: Darlin' wazzup?
JACQUELINE: sobs
At court…
(Rodmilla and Marguerite make a huge show coming in)
KING: You lied to the Queen!
RODMILLA: Shit.
MARGUERITE: WHAAAAAT? OH MY GAWWWD!!! LIIIEEEERRR!!!
QUEEN: Marguerite, you suck too. Sorry.
MARGUERITE: Shit.
KING: You're both going to be shipped to the Americas to be eaten by Amazonian pygmies.
DANIELLE: Hold up!
HENRY: That's my wife now!
MARGUERITE: Double shit.
DANIELLE: All I ask is that they get treated as they treated me!
RODMILLA: What does that mean?
DANIELLE: Turnabout is fair play, suckah!
The laundry room of the castle…
HEAD WASHWOMAN: Wash this and that and this and that…
RODMILLA: This doesn't seem so bad…
HEAD WASHWOMAN: …and THAT!!
RODMILLA & MARGUERITE: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
A room in the castle…
(Davinci uncovers a painting of Danielle)
DANIELLE: I look good!
HENRY: Psh…nawt.
DANIELLE: HE-EY!! Kiss me you fool!
HENRY: Wait, let's get over to the clichéd kissing window! (they kiss)
RANDOM OLD WOMAN: The end!
