Author's Note: Also posted on DeviantArt under HisnameisDaveyoufool. I can confirm if need be.
I heard a ghastly clicking noise from outside. Now, normally, I wouldn't hear a clicking noise from outside being that my window is closed, but hot diggity fruit bats, I did. I figured: whoever made that clicking noise has superpowers.
So I went out in the backyard with my battle-axe to see who had the superpowers and if they could train me to defeat the most terrible of foes that I may or may not face in the future.
It turns out Edward Cullen was taking a break from being emo and playing with the non-optical mouse I had recently thrown away, super-clicking it.
"FUCKER!" I shouted, glad I brought my battle-axe.
"Garbage," said Edward.
"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, AND YOU'D BETTER GET OUT OF IT!"
"Vampires," he began. "Vampires," he began again, "Vampires," he began yet again. "Vam...pires, love garbage. Yes."
"You love BLOOD, you frickin' moron!"
"Garbage garbage garbage. Love yay." Before I could continue, he jumped into my dumpster and pulled out a broken pogo stick and the roadkill I threw away. Then he started singing Oscar the Grouch's "I Love Trash" song. He sounded like Chris Crocker on helium.
"I'M SURE YOU DO," I shouted over his song. "I CAN TELL FROM YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
He dropped the dead bunny and dead springy and leaped for my throat, screaming incoherent curses. I whacked him a good one with my axe, but it broke my axe because he's super-powerful or something.
He almost turned me into a vampire by biting me, but then my cat Roxanne came up to him. She hates everybody, so she threw Edward a mile away. He ran back, and that gave Roxy and I just enough time to arm ourselves and go after him.
Turns out my crowbar and Roxanne's katana were obviously outmatched by the tank that Edward was driving, continuing to sing "I Love Trash," only a little more druggy this time. Turns out the guy can snort crack at a speed 40 times higher than a normal human. Turns out we were screwed.
But then my sock puppet, who was in my pocket, came out and took out his grenade launcher, from where, I have no fucking idea, he just had it. He blew up the tank with a few shots, but Edward bounced off his tank much like Tigger and came for me.
But he didn't immediately attack me, not this time.
He said: "NOW, DAVE, I WILL SHOW YOU MY TRUE FORM!"
I said: "This has been fun and all, but I want to go home now."
He said: "FUCK YOU, I WILL SHOW YOU MY TRUE FORM!"
Then he turned into a giant tampon.
For starters, the sock puppet cast haste on Roxanne and I, then himself for better healing. Roxanne summoned Bahamut and I threw a fuma shuriken. Then we realized we didn't have powers from Final Fantasy 4, so we huddled up in fear.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny velociraptors. Yes, this was Raptor Santa, the gift-giver of Raptor Christmas.
"HO HO HYEEEERGH, MERRY GETTING YOUR FACE RIPPED OFF!" he screeched at the giant super-tampon that was Edward that was destroying the city that was going to have its face ripped off.
"I AM A TAMPON, THIS IS MY TRUE FORM!" said Edward Cullen, still chewing part of the Sears Tower. "BELLA, IF YOU CAN SEE ME ON TV, I LOVE YOU!"
"Fuck you, I'm in love with this Mudkip," said Bella.
"Mudkip!" said the Mudkip.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AND WHATNOT!" said the tamponzilla that was Edward, going on an even worse rampage across the city.
He eventually made it to Wrigley Field, and prepared to blow it up with his sparkling (since he was in the sun now and whatnot) lasers.
That's
When
I
Got
MAD.
I turned Super Saiyan 17, so my power level was obviously over 9000 bazillion, and I kamehameha'd Edward into the center of Alpha Centauri.
Moral of the story: nobody messes with my Cubs and my garbage, especially not sparkling vampires.
