Author's Notes:
This short story is an attempt to view Commander Shephard's more-than-human side, away from the spotlight of the hero s/he is called to face in everyday life.
The hour is way past bedtime, it is dark and lonely, a time when everything that haunts us, that weighs us down, all the problems and anxieties we have, they catch up on us. It is ideal, not always to relax, but in Shephard's case, to let go, to be weak, to let the mask of the savior slide from the face and collapse, knees first, to the floor. The more severe and taxing the trials of the day, the more intense our outbrake, sometimes bordering on insanity. Extreme situations the Commander has come to face throughout their lifetime and constant need to deal with them, combined with the present crysis, are leading them to a breaking point, one that is necessary to overcome, not only in order to deal with future trials but also to accept themselves and their weaknesses and mature.
Although a feminine feel is applied to Shepard, their gender is not guiding the theme of this story. The implied and later slight presence of Kaidan Alenko is the train that leads Shephard through this crysis. His existence, as a human being first and as a man eventually, is catalytic.
Disclaimer:
Mass Effect and the mentioned characters are all properties of their respective owners. The angst is all mine, however!
Thanks for reading! Enjoy!
A Little Piece of Chalk
a.k.a
" Instability "
I feel your finger down my spine when the light darkens
I can't sleep
Turn on the lights
I trade one torture for the torture of freezing water
Nothing happens. Relief is far away. My pain remains.
Turn off the lights, again
Progress has not been made
I can't sleep
Nothing has happened. You're here. My agony remains.
I feel you behind my back, a laser scrutiny
My hair stands on end
You're close now. Your warm breath at the back of my neck, scorching me
Burning with desire
Cold sweat trickling down my spine
I can't sleep
Instead, I crawl...
A few days back I found a little piece of chalk. I found it in my combat belt. Inside one of those little pockets.
I don't know how it came to be there. I sure didn't put it there. I don't know who could have left it there.
It's like a forgotten breadcrumb hiding in the pocket of your old coat
It's a precious little treasure, my little piece of red chalk
It is my only true possession
And the only thing I have that doesn't relate to war
So I crawl...
...to the corner of the room where you can't reach me
But that's just a delusion. A convenient lie to comfort myself.
You're already here.
In this same ship, I mean
You fight next to me
You walk next to me
Sometimes you talk to me
You pass before my door, I can hear your steps drawing nearer.
I can't live like this!
But now I have my little piece of chalk! Now I have a piece of chalk!
And I have strained my mind, through all these sleepless nights and come up with a plan!
I'll write this down!
(From outside) - Commander?
I want to say that I used to love someone, so different from you
I want to say I used to love someone who doesn't exist in your world
I want to say I love someone that doesn't exist. In this world.
I want to say I love someone.
But I can't...remember him
(From outside) - Commander, are you in?
Quick! There's no time!
You are standing outside my room!
You knock at the door of my room!
(From outside) - Commander, is something wrong?
Your voice...
-I won't listen!-
So soft and sweet and caring...
-I can't listen!-
I can't....
...Because you're always asking me
Asking, if I'm feeling alright
Asking, if I would let you in
Why?
But no!
You can't see me like this!
I have to put on my face again
I have to reassure you that I'm well
I have to reassure you that everything will be fine
I have to be your commander again
(From outside, with evident worry) - Commander??!
No time!
Calm down!
I have my little piece of chalk!
This time, I have a little chalk!
Write it down!
Yes!
I will write his name on the steel wall!
I will write his name all over the steel walls!
I will...
...but what is that?
...there, upon the wall, it is a single letter my hand now carves, despite me, upon the cold surface.
K
It's sight breaks me. A spasm in my chest. I try but I can't hold back the tear.
I try but I can't...deny
I trace my finger upon the flimsy line with adoration
The touch turns my devotion to a blur, a red dust that clings to my skin.
Despair! I trace my tongue upon the flimsy lines with hunger...slowly...carefully
Devoured, the scarlet letter translates to a word before my eyes
It's message, round and clear
Kaidan
The wall is empty again
There's nothing there
There has been something there, a faint trace...
But I can't...
I don't...
I won't...remember you
I still have a little chalk left...
After much perseverance, the panel door finally opens to reveal the worried face of a young man in jumpsuit
His speechless look says more that should be said. He hesitates.
Commander Shepard is eyeing him grimly, a placid expression plastered upon the face:
- Is there something you needed, Lieutenant?
But die soon, Love.
If what you have for yourself, does not stretch to your body's end.
Amiri Baraka - Balboa The Entertainer
