Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Gravestone
Chapter One:
The Boy Who Lived (in a cupboard)
There once was a boy named Harry Potter. He lived with a very unattractive family who did very unattractive things. And though they lived in a fairly large house Harry had to sleep in the cupboard under the shed in the backyard which is probably why Harry was a short-tempered person who enjoyed screaming. On this day the family was sitting down to breakfast.
"For Dudley's birthday we are going to a small uncomfortable shack in the middle of nowhere!" said uncle Vernon a very large ugly drill seller.
"Yay!" said Dudley who was also very large.
"Why?" screamed Harry.
"I don't know" shrugged Vernon "Why not."
So that night they left and arrived many hours later at the shack in the middle of nowhere just in time to sleep. And they did not wake up until many hours later…
"BOOM!" said the door, which had just crashed down as a huge man walked through.
"AGGHH!" screamed Harry sitting up "Who the heck are you!"
"Rebeus Hagrid!" said Hagrid "And I am here to eat you livestock and then tell you a secret."
"We don't have any livestock you great idiot!" said Aunt Petunia who couldn't help but wake up.
"NO LIVESTOCK!" roared Hagrid pounding on his big monkey chest.
"STOP THAT RACKET!" screamed Harry
"YOU'RE A WIZARD HARRY!" yelled Hagrid.
"I know." Said Harry
"You do?" said Hagrid Petunia, Vernon, and Dudley.
"Yeah." Said Harry "Vernon told me that one time when he came home drunk that one day."
"YOU WHAT?" screamed Petunia "THAT'S IT! WE ARE OVER!"
"Well anyways" said Hagrid "Lets go buy your stuff" And off they went, through the chimney and into Diagon alley.
"Go in there and get your new school underwear while I go buy you something for your birthday!" said Hagrid
"But it's not my birthday!" said Harry angrily.
"ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?" roared Hagrid beating Harry with a pine tree. He then galloped away like a gorilla. Harry walked into the underwear store.
"Sit down and I will make you beautiful underwear for every occasion." Said some lady. So Harry sat down beside a pretty pale blond girl.
"Why hello gorgeous" flirted Harry winking "I'd like to see the underwear your buying."
"Are you gay? Do I look gay to you?" said the girl in a cold, boyish voice.
"AGGHH!" screamed Harry in utmost horror "I thought you were a girl!"
"I get that a lot. I'm Malfoy by the way. Drakelus Malfoy" said Malfoy
"I'm Potter. Harry Potter" said Harry expecting Malfoy to freak out about meeting the Harry Potter. Sure enough…
"Oh my god! You're Harry Potter?" said Malfoy excitedly "The wrestler? I saw you on Dr. Phil the other day!"
"Wha-? NO!" yelled Harry angrily "I'm not a wrestler!"
"You're right. The wrestler was much older and larger. I've never heard of you." Said Malfoy "Do you like my cucumber?" He showed Harry a cucumber, which looked like Michael Jackson"
"Ugh!" cried Harry in disgust "That is the most hideous, spitefully ugly cucumber I have ever seen! It looks like Michael Jackson!"
"How dare you!" said Malfoy angrily "I happen to be a fan of Michael Jackson! I have decided I do not like you and your cucumber hating ways! I will now always call you by your last name whenever I see you!"
"I will too!" said Harry. There is nothing that says 'I don't like you' like calling someone by his or her last name. Harry grabbed his underwear and stomped out the door and found Hagrid on the other side.
"I bought you a bird for yer birthday Harry! Her name's Hedwig!" said Hagrid handing Harry a cage.
"An owl!" said Harry happily "I've always wanted an owl." He opened the cage.
"Not an owl you great buffoon!" yelled Hagrid "A flesh-eating-tiger-bird."
"AGGHH!" yelled Harry as the bird tried to eat his flesh. He managed to shove the bird back in the cage.
"Time to buy a wand!" yelled Hagrid pushing Harry into Oleanders wand shop.
"Who the heck are you and why are you in my store?" screamed the paranoid Oleander behind the counter.
"We came to buy a wand stupid!" yelled Harry.
"Well then have one! Have two! Have a million! Just get out of my store!" said Oleander throwing wands at them. Harry and Hagrid gathered as many wands as they could carry and ran out of the store.
"Why didn't we go to the bank to get my millions yet?" screamed Harry throwing away all his supply of wands. He chose to keep the pink one because it was shiny.
"IF YOU WANT MONEY GET A JOB!" screamed Hagrid who was eating his supply of wands. "Hurry up your train leaves in twelve minutes"
Harry and Hagrid ran very quickly all the way to the train station. Then they realized they were at the wrong train station so they ran to half way to Kings Cross and realized they could take the bus. So they took the bus and finally got to their destination half an hour later.
"Hurry up you slow fat-face!" yelled Hagrid "Go to platform nine and three quarters!"
Harry went to platform nine and three quarters and realized that there was no platform nine and three quarters.
"Hurry up!" screeched a very ordinary red headed witch who was with many children "Get on the platform before the Hogwarts express leaves without you!"
"Hogwarts express!' said Harry happily "Excuse me madam but how do you get on the platform?"
"ARE YOU STUPID?" screamed the witch rudely "HOW DO YOU THINK? THE SAME WAY YOU GET ON ANY PLATFORM! RUN THROUGH THE WALL! IDIOT!"
"Eek!" screamed Harry who was very frightened by this lady. He was so scared he took his suitcase and flesh-eating-tiger bird and ran through the wall. To his happiness the train was on the other side. He got on the train and found a nice comfy compartment all to himself just as the train left.
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