I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE OR PARENTAL CONTROL.
What would happen if the cast of Death Note went on MTV's hit show "Parental Control"?
If you don't know what the show is here is a summary from the website:
"Watch out, kids! Thanks to Parental Control, mom and dad finally have a chance to do something about that 'poor excuse' for a significant other that you adore! That's right, MTV is giving parents the chance to give the boot to the 'losers' their sons and daughters date! But will the suitors these parents pick really be a better fit? And, if they are, will their kids actually admit it?"
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Hii. This is my first fan(crack)fic! Sorry if it sucks.
WARNING: Yaoi themes/Cursing/Sexual themes. Yeaah.
Enjoy!
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ACTION.
Camera pans Soichiro and Sachiko Yagami. They are sitting on a couch, holding hands.
Soichiro: Hello, I'm Soichiro and I'm a police officer.
Sachiko: I'm Sachiko and I'm a stay-at-home mother!
Soichiro: Our son Light brightens our world.
Camera switches to Light Yagami. He is looking down, leaning against a brick wall with his arms folded. He then looks up at sight of the camera and smiles.
Sachiko: He's smart, he's good-looking, and quite talented!
Soichiro: But, there is just one huge problem...
Misa Amane: Hi!! (Camera to Misa Amane in an open field. She attempts to do a cartwheel and falls. She gets up and quickly brushes herself off.) Misa Misa loves you all! HEHE! (She kisses her hand, blows a "kiss," and lunges toward the camera with open arms. Cut back to the Yagami's.)
Soichiro: His GIRLFRIEND is a complete slut-faced-hoe-bag!
Camera on Light and Misa hugging.
Narrator: This is Light. (Camera on Light) He's dating Misa. (Misa kisses Light and Light looks stunned) They have been together for one year and Light thinks he's found the woman of his dreams! But..his parents think she is a total nightmare. So, mom and dad are setting him up on two blind dates they specially handpicked for him! Misa will have to sit with Light's parents and watch the dates. At the end of the day Light will have to choose between the new dates and his girlfriend Misa. Light's about to get a shot of...PARENTAL CONTROL!
Cue Intro with music.
Camera on Light Yagami sitting on a bench in front of To-Oh University. He is wearing a very tight grey shirt and corduroy pants. He pulls down his shirt, gets up and walks toward the camera slowly. The camera moves backwards as he approaches.
Light: Hi, I'm Light and I'm "dating" Misa. This is pretty much a desperate attempt to get me away from Misa, thank you parents! (He makes some hand gestures) I REALLY REALLY HAT-
(Camera cuts Light and switches to parents)
Sachiko: To put it simply, she should die. She is a huge ditz and has broken many priceless items in my home...
Camera on Misa and Light cooking in the Yagami household.
Light: Hey, can you pass me that huge-beautiful-priceless-heirloom-irreplaceable glass bowl?
Misa: Oh...this one!?11111 (She grabs the bowl and drops it. There's a loud noise and glass shatters everywhere. Light facepalms.)
Soichiro: She is also the stupidest damn thing to walk the face of the Earth.
Camera on Light and Misa in Light's bedroom. He is helping her study for a history test.
Light: Okay, here's one. What is the official language spoken in Australia?
Misa: Uhhhhhhhhhmmmmm...Australian!?
Zoom in on Light's disturbed reaction. Light facepalms. Camera switches to his parents.
Soichiro: I can't wait to get her ass out of here.
Sachiko: I hate seeing her repulsive face in my house everyday. We WILL sakujo you Misa.
Camera pans across a long line of people waiting outside in hopes of being a potential date.
Narrator: Now its time for mom and dad to meet the potential dates for Light.
Camera switches to a small room, with a couch and a chair parallel to each other. The Yagami's are sitting on the couch.
Enter potentials.
Ryuuzaki: Hello Mr. and Mrs. Yagami. Pleasure to see you again... (Has one hand in pocket and shakes their hands with his free one. He saunters to the seat. Cue "Secret Agent Man" by Johnny Rivers)
Kiyomi Takada: Nice to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Yagami. (She smiles widely and sits down gracefully. Cue "King of the World" by Porcelain and the Tramps.)
Teru Mikami: 'Sup, Mr. and Mrs. Yag. (He sits in a slumped position in his seat. Cue "I'm a Slave 4 U" by Britney Spears.)
Touta Matsuda: Heh, hello chief! (He begins to sweat profusely) And hello Mrs. Yagami, you are looking lovely today. (Bows slightly and stumbles to his seat. Cue "Sakura Kiss" by Kawabe Chieco.)
Near: Yeah, whatever. (He plops on the floor. Cue "Had Enough?" by Breaking Benjamin.)
Sachiko: So, what do you do for a living?
Ryuuzaki: I am a detective. (He scratches his arm impolitely.)
Kiyomi Takada: (Her smile disappears) WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE WHAT I DO? WHAT, YOU WANT ME TO PROVIDE FOR YOUR DUMBASS SON WHO'S PARENTS ARE GETTING HIM A DATE? (She screams. The Yagami's are startled and look over at the producers fearfully. The producers shoo them to continue)
Teru Mikami: I'm a lawyer and part time man-whore. (Soichiro massages his temples in annoyance and Sachiko looks rather pleased)
Touta Matsuda: I'm a police officer! Yeahhhhhh!! (He pumps his fist into the air and Soichiro looks annoyed, again.)
Near: Don't care. (He sighs in boredom.)
Soichiro: Er, moving on. My son is a hard-worker. When he comes home from a hard day at school, what would you do to make him feel better?
Ryuuzaki: I...he would bake me a cake and we'd devour it together, of course.
Kiyomi Takada: (She has calmed down) Why, I'd give him a nice massage to relieve all that tension! (She smiles again widely.)
Teru Mikami: I'd sex him up. (He gives a thumbs up)
Touta Matsuda: Aw...I would let the poor boy relax. Then I would...er, make a lovely dinner. Then I would make delicious desert! Then...I would give tuck him in bed around 10:00 p.m. and read him a bedtime story!
Near: Um..just to put it out there, I really dont want to be here. Anyway, I really wouldn't care.
Sachiko: My son's girlfriend is a TOTAL dimwad. We would like someone of equal intelligence for Light, who has an IQ of 190. What is your IQ?
Ryuuzaki: 190, actually.
Kiyomi Takada: I WOULDN'T TELL YOU MY FUCKING IQ IF WE WERE THE LAST HUMANS ON EARTH AND YOU NEEDED MY IQ TO SURVIVE!! (Complete silence)
Teru Mikami: 69. (He winks at Sachiko. Soichiro begins to get angry.)
Touta Matsuda: Heh...95.
Near: Huh? Oh, 185.
Soichiro: Rightttttttt. Now a difficult question. What is justice to you?
Ryuzzaki: I am Justice.
Kiyomi Takada: My, my, a very intellectual question. Why, Justice is when you think of something that is "just." (She smiles yet again, and folds her hands on her lap in a prayer-like manner.)
Teru Mikami: WELL..the answer is simple. Kami-sex.
Near: "Justice is the concept of moral rightness based on ethics, rationality, law, natural law, fairness and equity. A conception of justice is one of the key features of society. However, views of what constitutes justice vary from society to society and person to person."
Sachiko: OKAY. That is enough. Thank you. It was nice meeting you all.
Ryuuzaki: Well, it was my pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Yagami. Good luck.
Kiyomi Takada: I'LL KILL YOU ALL! (She points at everyone in the room and her eye twitches) I KNOW ALL OF YOUR NAMES, BITCHES. I GOT THEM SHINIGAMI EYES. (She makes a dramatic exit)
Teru Mikami: I've had enough of this shiatttttttt. "I don't need a man to make it happen. I get off being free. I don't need a man to make me feel good. I get off doing my thing." PEACE BITCHES. WESTSIDE. (Does the westside symbol and walks out making obscenities.)
Touta Matsuda: Awww, it's over? BYE CHIEF! (Glomps Mr. Yagami) Bye Mrs. Yagami! PICK ME (He skips out)
Near: Oh it's over. Don't pick me, I was forced to do this. Bye! (He scurries out of the room)
Exit all potentials.
Camera focuses on the Yagami's. They are searching through a book filled with Polaroids of the potential dates. They review their notes and discuss their decision.
Soichiro: Ok. (He flips to a page) This guy is perfect for Light. (He points to a page)
Sachiko: Well if you choose him... (Flips pages) I'll have to go with this one. (She points to a page) He's definitely the one.
Soichiro: Well, I think we've made great decisions. I hope Light agrees.
Sachiko: Me too, dear. One step closer to FREEDOM. Lets get out of here.
Cut to commercial.
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Yeah well...that was amusing to write. xD
Constructive criticism would be nice. Thanks!
