Disclaimers: It's all Kripke, I am not worthy. I am but a devoted disciple. Also, there are spoilers for 4.4 - fair warning.
Author's Note: This came to me in a flash after seeing In the Beginning and Metamorphosis... With all the angsty bromance going on, I needed to sort out Dean's feelings. I might follow up with one on Sam's thoughts. And fun fact: without the disclaimer and everything, it is 666 words. R&R, please.
Angels are watching over you, Dean.
I can't get that out of my head. It's one of the only things I remember about her, but she said that to me every night before bed. You know, before she died, I believed her. But after she was gone, when I found out the truth, I lost faith. If angels were watching over us, then why was she dead? I saw so many good people get torn apart for no reason. Where were Mom's angels then? If they existed, how could they let that much bad happen? Even if I wanted to believe, with so much going wrong, with our screwed-to-hell lives, I couldn't see how God could exist.
And then I go to hell, and I'm rotting away down there for months. This Castiel guy, he grabs me and yanks me back into my body, and I claw my way out. Why me? Why? Because Mom said so when I was little? Did she know something? Ever since '73, ever since Cass sent me back, I can't stop thinking. All I want to know is why. Sam's got this demon thing, this blood in him that gives him powers that I've seen go south before, and that scares me worse than just about anything. What Dad told me before, and now what Cass is telling me, it all means that something bad is happening to my little brother. He's the only one I've got now, maybe the only one I ever really had, and he's changing. Probably not for the better, seeing how angels are coming down to stop him. And the only thing I can think is that they brought me back, they gave me a chance to save him, but it's all getting too close and too complicated, and I feel like I'm drowning.
And I've been having these dreams, or… or memories, maybe, about Hell. I don't remember much when I wake up, just pain and fear and blood, and it hurts so bad that I can't even scream, that I'm forgetting who I am… and when I wake up, it's all there. I don't exactly remember, but I feel it, like an old wound acting up or a bad acid flashback or something, and it's like I'm paralyzed with fear, literally. I have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning, but then I see Sam, and it feels like I'm drowning all over again. I've been at war with the whole world since I was a kid, and I've taken too many hits, seen too many casualties. I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting. I just want to get in my car and drive away, maybe to Lisa Braeden's safe little suburb, and forget all about the badness and fear. But Sam's my brother, and I'm the only one who can be there to help him. Plus, I've got a mission from an angel. To save him.
Did Mom know something? Did she know what Sam was going to be, and did she somehow know that angels, real angels, would save us someday? I know it sounds crazy, and I'm grasping at straws here. It's just another question I can't answer. But I just… I feel like if I believed that she did know something, if this is all somehow part of her plan for me, I'd somehow feel better. Like everything's going to be okay. And if there's that chance, then I know there's a chance I can save Sam from whatever's inside of him. That's the only thing that matters. I've been living for this fractured, twisted, broken family my whole life. I've got nothing else. Nothing but Sam. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let this demon plan have my brother. I'll go down swinging if I have to, if she's got a plan or not. She would have wanted me to be brave. So I'll be brave, Mom. I will.
