The Rules of Inertia
I.
Wednesday night shifts as The Cheesecake Factory's bartender is equal to bare minimum tips divided by getting wasted on the job. This equation should be noteworthy, but Penny finds it difficult to even care. The problem will never amount to a correct solution, so it's best to avoid the conundrum at all costs.
Pouring herself another shot of tequila, she didn't even bother to glance around the restaurant to ensure no one was watching her get wasted. When she first began sneaking shots, it was to drown her boredom. Maybe help her create a story in her head. Wasn't she supposed to be writing a story about a girl from…some city in Nebraska who came to California to make it big?
Ah, who was she trying to kid? She sent her fictional character into a drunken stupor years ago.
She wanted to shout to all the families eating, "Who wants to buy a round of drinks?" Seriously, if even one person bought four drinks for their table, that might land her a dollar or two in tips. So what if most of the tables housed at least one child? She wasn't asking the adults to get so drunk that they couldn't drive home.
Speaking of driving home…shit. She was already on her sixth shot and unless she stopped now, the only thing that could truly sober her up was sleep. Taking a peak at the clock, she had to squint her eyes to even focus on the hands. It was only 9:25. Her shift didn't end until midnight.
Another shot of tequila has been poured.
And this seventh shot hit hard. She felt the uncomfortable burn begin to settle in the back of her throat and her body craved water and sleep…two things of which she was adamant on denying to herself. Damn, was she a masochist or what?
Her mind must have temporarily shut down, because there was a blink and then there was a man sitting on one of her barstools. Crap, a customer. She feels like she stands up straight, trying to maintain a proper posture as she puts her words under a mental microscope, "What'll it be?"
"Rum and coke," the guy says frankly and she wants to ask if he wants to upgrade to a Cuba Libre. He says no because he hates limes, and this for some reason makes her stick the lime wedge in her mouth and suck out the tart juices.
Penny puts down a napkin then his drink, and she can't help but notice that he's staring at her. When he asks, "Had anyone ever told you that you're as pretty as a penny?" she has to stop and consider her responses. She could either point out that he somehow acquired her name and decided to come up with the worst possible pun imaginable, but that would result in loss of tip. She could act flattered and urge him forth, but that might evolve into something that Leonard might not be too happy about hearing in the morning.
So she only smiled, the lime wedge acting as a medium between her lips.
"Pretty as a penny, yet socially without grace," the man raised his glass to her as he stood, "Your name suits you well." Penny watched as he walked back to his table…leaving her, as she feared, tipless.
She slowly took out the bone dry lime and threw it in the trash before pouring herself another shot. Was that man even cute? Funny how she didn't take the time to notice or care. She looked at the clock. 9:32. How time flies.
Wasn't this supposed to be the turning point in her life where a famous Hollywood director walks up to the bar and notices how stunningly gorgeous she is despite her hourly wage work uniform and he asks if she's ever considered acting or modeling? Then she might modestly respond that she never gave it much thought, but then ask why he asked. Then he tells her that she can be the next Marilyn Monroe and promptly gives her his card and tells her she's perfect for an upcoming role.
But looking toward the entrance, she saw that no one was coming in but everyone was leaving. She wanted to leave…she just wanted to go to bed. Why did she agree to work the bar on a Wednesday night? Shouldn't this go to one of the newbies? She's been working at this same damn place for over seven years now. Was it really seven years? It might as well have been seven weeks. Nothing's changed. Nothing.
Speaking of nothing, she took her phone out of her pocket and checked for any messages. Nothing. She knew it was Halo night, but were they still playing? The normal question seemed oddly absurd, because the answer was painfully obvious. Still, she hid her phone under the counter as she typed a message to her boyfriend, wondering if she should at least be glad that she had someone to call her boyfriend.
Penny: Bored at work. Come keep me company.
Ten minutes passed and still no reply. Seriously? She was the one at work and he was too busy to text her?
Time for just one more shot. That should do her good for the rest of the night. And if Leonard wouldn't answer her, maybe Sheldon would.
Penny: How'd Halo go?
Her phone vibrated rather quickly with a response, and her eyes blinked multiple times to focus on the small font on the screen.
Sheldon: Not good, Penny. I needed you and you weren't here. It's Halo night, not Whatever-Else-You're-Doing night.
Penny: Didn't Leonard tell you I had to work?
Sheldon: He said, and I quote, "Penny is out making money." I assumed this could mean a many number of things.
Penny: So glad he made me sound like a prostitute.
Sheldon: Really? That hardly seems like something to be glad about.
Penny couldn't stop the smirk that tugged at the side of her lips. His inability to pick up on sarcasm was often annoying, but it could also be a cure for boredom. Besides, she wasn't about to complain. At least he was texting her, unlike others she knew…
Penny: Sarcasm, sweetie. BTW, what's Leonard doing?
As soon as she sent it, she thought about her BTW and if she should have just spelled it out for him, or if he remembered how she explained it to him awhile back.
Sheldon: I wouldn't know. He abruptly left the apartment 43.5 minutes ago.
Penny smiled, thinking that Leonard was on his way to The Cheesecake Factory and didn't answer her text because he wanted to surprise her. But then…her smile slowly faded. If he left that long ago…shouldn't he be here by now? Also…she didn't text him forty-five minutes ago. Tequila was beginning to pound in her head due to her curiosity.
Penny: Oh…well, I'm bored. Come keep me company.
Sheldon: 10 'clock. Bedtime. Goodnight.
Penny groaned and dropped her phone onto the counter. Him and his stupid schedule. Even if he wasn't going to bed, he was probably with Amy, and she wasn't sure if she could handle two Sheldon's at the moment. Who else could she try to convince to pay her a visit?
Bernadette? No, she was probably getting busy with her husband now. Penny shuddered. Bad thoughts, bad thoughts. Though Howard and Bernadette had been married for quite some time now, she still sometimes had a hard time wrapping her brain around the idea. What in the world did Howard do right to deserve his Happily Ever After?
She wanted to hate him and Bernadette for somehow finding each other so easily, but…she couldn't do that. Ever since the time Howard came over to pour his heart out to Bernadette…saying all those things about how she made him become a better man and all that (lovely) crap, Penny only felt envy, not disgust.
Seriously though, how did little Bernadette change horn-dog Howard into a somewhat respectable human being? No guy has ever said that kind of stuff to Penny! Leonard certainly never did. He talked about her looks a lot. But so did all of her other boyfriends.
When she first found out about Alex hitting on Leonard, she was hoping he would repeat some of the words Howard said to Bernadette…but no. He was way too happy with her insecurities to say anything of reassurance at all. All that ran through her mind (and continues to do so) was the time he came over asking for her advice on whether or not he should sleep with some girl he met at the comic book store when he was still dating Priya.
She poured herself another shot against her better judgment. But what the hell ever. It seemed like she did everything against her better judgment anymore, so she might as well keep adding to the list.
She had to get her mind off Leonard and Howardette or she was going to start drinking straight from the bottle.
What about Raj? He's been talking about that girl he's been seeing for a little while now…what did he say her name was? Lisa? Lucy? Yeah, Lucy sounds right. Penny never met her yet, so maybe Raj would like to bring her to The Cheesecake Factory for a Wednesday night drink? But then she remembered (and she doesn't know how she remembered, because not only was she drinking when he told her this, but she was pretty far gone now as well) that Lucy doesn't feel comfortable in crowded places.
Penny looked around. The place was hardly crowded.
Penny: wy dint u brng luucy heer and intordiuce her?
She may have lost her ability to type, but she could still tell that that text looked horrible. She closed her phone without saving or sending the message. No…she knew she could sometimes be over the top when she was drinking, and she didn't want to be the reason that Raj's girlfriend was scared off.
Then again…what if Raj has his Happily Ever After before her, also?
Maybe she should just say yes to marrying Leonard. Was there ever going to be a better shot at happiness, anyway?
She looked down at her ring finger on her left hand. What would it look like with a sparkling diamond on it? Would it make her hand look more feminine? Would it look heavy and feel even heavier? Would getting married hold her back? What if she received a potential acting job and had to temporarily (or permanently) move somewhere else? Would Leonard really just quit his job at the university like that?
Then again, just because she would be married doesn't mean she still couldn't do what she needed to do. But wasn't marriage supposed to be about sacrifice? So which one of them would end up sacrificing the most?
No…marriage isn't a fairytale. Marriage is a ball and chain. She saw that very thing when Howard announced he was going to be an astronaut.
Oh, God, what's wrong with you, Penny? It's not like you're ever going to get an acting job…
"Can't think like that," she mumbled to herself, tipping the tequila bottle clumsily to the shot glass.
"Penny!"
She jumped when she heard her name shouted into her ear and accidentally spilled a large amount of alcohol across the counter. Looking to her right, she saw the night manager, Mr. Erisman, looking shocked and upset at her obvious drunkenness.
"Are you seriously drinking on the job?" His voice, deep and demanding, sent a chill down her spine at what this could possibly mean.
"I…I…" Penny reached for a rag and wiped up what she could, though between all the tequila and her racing heart, her hands were shaking far too much to clean up her mess.
"This is highly unprofessional. You know I've fired other employee's for doing this very thing, don't you?" He asked, his arms crossed and his head lowered. Penny was so embarrassed that it seemed like it was sinking out of her and into him and he could hardly stand to watch her fumble.
Penny felt tears cloud her vision and she tried her hardest to get her mind out of the haze she put it under, "Yes, I know, it's just…Oh, God, I'm am so, so sorry! Please don't fire me…you know I've been working here for over seven years, I never had anything like this happen, I—."
"You're rambling and slurring your words," he informed her which made her instantly shut her mouth. She thought she sounded completely comprehensible, which was a bad sign, because now her body didn't even realize how drunk she actually was.
She swiped the rag off the table, only for it to bump the shot glass she'd been using, sending it shattering to the floor at her feet. She screamed involuntarily, jumping away from the tiny shards of glass.
Mr. Erisman covered his face when the few costumers that were left looked to see what was going on. He stepped forward and grabbed Penny's elbow, pulling her away from the bar and the scene she was making, "Listen, you're too drunk right now for me to tell you anything you won't remember in the morning. Just call one of your friends to come get you and we'll discuss this in length tomorrow."
He let her go, planning on manning the bar himself now, but stopped short when Penny grabbed his hand, "Please, Austin, let me—."
"Mr. Erisman," he corrected her bluntly.
Penny licked her lips and bit her bottom lip in a way that drove men crazy, "Is that what you'd like me to call you when you have me bent over the—."
He snatched his hand away from hers, quickly looking around to make sure none of his other employees heard what she was saying. Even though she was saying it, cases involving any sort of sexual harassment can easily get turned onto the guy and he was not looking for trouble.
When he saw that no one heard, however, he leaned in close to her and whispered harshly, "We'll talk about this tomorrow, Penny. Go home."
Her manager finally left to begin cleaning up her mess. She sighed and swayed backward, glad there was a wall behind her. Shit, she didn't plan on getting caught…or getting this drunk. She had to call someone to come get her. But even though she was drunk, she wasn't drunk enough to not be embarrassed about having to tell one of them what happened. She could call a cab, but money was tight as it was, and that cab ride home would no doubt cost what she was going to use for gas money for the next few weeks.
Penny thought her best bet would be to sleep in her car for a few hours, just enough to sober her up a little, then drive home at about midnight. Traffic wouldn't be bad so it should only take her a few minutes to reach the apartment.
She didn't quite remember how, but she managed to stumble her way out into the parking lot. She found her car and leaned against it with her eyes closed, trying to clear her mind with the help of fresh air. It just made her want to drink more.
Fumbling to find her keys, she opened her driver's side door and slid behind the wheel, wondering why it felt so foreign to be sitting there. Wasn't she just behind the bar thinking about how much she hated relationships or something like that?
She started the car and, for some odd reason, her eyes instantly saw the "check engine" light.
"I need to get a sticker for that," she said and it sounded like she was responding to someone's snide remark, "So what if my engine breaks? I'll just add it to the list of broken things!"
She shouted angrily, her voice breaking. She put the car in drive and eased her foot onto the gas. She was pretty sure she convinced herself to sleep in her car, but that just sounded so uncomfortable that it didn't even seem worth it. No…the reason she was drinking was because she just wanted to go home. She wasn't going to make that the reason she couldn't now.
God, what was the big deal anyway? It wasn't like anyone was near the bar anyway! And yeah, so she was drinking for "free." Her salary would suggest otherwise…her paychecks were near nonexistent, so she figured she deserved a few free shots. Didn't she at least deserve that? And if not, what the hell did she deserve?!
She felt a lone tear slip from her eye, but she angrily brushed it away before she gripped the steering wheel with all her strength. Did she even deserve to cry? She's done a lot of crying throughout the years, and where has it gotten her? Right here, drunk, driving home, and wondering if she should now consider herself jobless.
Penny didn't know how she got home safe and without getting pulled over, but she couldn't find the will power to truly contemplate it as she dragged herself up three flights of stairs.
I can make it…I can make it…
She made it to a landing, stopping when she saw more stairs in front of her. Her mind was shutting down and her body was ready to give into whatever happened. She took a step…paused…took another step…then laid down on the stairs, because the crook of her arm just felt so comfortable underneath her head. Lying at an angle felt much better for her spinning world to handle than lying horizontally anyway.
"I'll just sleep here…" She slurred into her arm and was so thankful when she felt herself losing consciousness.
()()()()()()()
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Okay, so this is my first TBBT story! I just recently bought Seasons 1-5 and have been catching season 6 on TV, and I have to say...Penny is changing a lot. It seems like in every episode, Penny's drinking/drunk and not very happy with anything that's going on. Everyone is bashing on more (and not in so playful ways like it used to be). I like Amy, but it seems to me that since she came into the picture, Penny lost some of her...oomph! And since her and Leonard got back together this season, she lost even more of it. What I'm trying to say is this: I want to explore and know what's truly going on in Penny's head. Does anyone else notice all her changes?
This story will probably get darker as it progresses.
