DISCLAIMER: This is a PARODY. I wouldn't make fun of the actual Anne of Green Gables books themselves. I do not own Anne of Green Gables or any of the related characters.

This story is rated M for innuendo, cursing, and crappy anachronisms. It is not for anyone under the age of 16.

BACKGROUND INFO: A few months ago, a publishing company released their edition of Anne of Green Gables. The book was a compilation of the first three Anne of Green Gables books. The only problem was that they decided to make the cover girl a buxom blonde leaning on a haystack with come-hither eyes and a sexy flannel shirt. I mean, what were they thinking - putting a blonde with boobs on the cover of a book about a little red-headed girl? So I decided to write a story where the blonde cover girl decides to take over.


THE ESTATE OF NIBIRU-MUL PRESENTS

THE IMPOSTOR

OR, SOMETHING'S ROTTEN IN GREEN GABLES

Long ago, there was an orphan. She was a buxom blonde eighteen-year-old with a plaid flannel shirt, Daisy Dukes, and pink cowboy boots. No one knows how a girl in the late 1800s would have worn Daisy Dukes, oblivious to the social standards of the time. This blonde called herself Anne Shirley, though it was said that she had stolen the identity of another girl. Anne enjoyed going to the mall with her girl friends and buying the latest CDs, make-up, clothes, and bikinis, despite this being the late 1800s and therefore all of this is anachronistic.

One Day, Anne was shipped to Prince Edward Island because the orphanage who owned her wanted to get rid of her - they said that she was immoral. Anne was talking on her cell phone all day, getting plastic surgery, and pole dancing.

Let's see what's going on where Anne was shipped. She meets two people, a man and a woman.

"Greetings," said the man. "My name is Matthew Cuthbert, and this is my sister Marilla."

"Greetings, loved ones," said Anne, shaking her hips. "My name is Anne Shirley."

"Good heavens!" said Marilla. "Why is this girl dressed like such a harlot?"

"Anyway," said Matthew, trying not to cringe, "we are going to take you back to our house, Green Gables."

In the wagon on the way to Green Gables, Anne did nothing but talk on her cell phone.

"Anne," said Marilla, "put that stupid thing of yours away! It's getting on my nerves."

"SHHH!" said Anne, wagging her finger. "I'm on the phone with my friend. She got the new Paris Hilton perfume."

"Who is this 'Paris Hilton'?" asked Matthew.

Anne, Matthew, and Marilla arrived at Green Gables. When Anne got out of the carriage, she combed her golden tresses and walked seductively to the house. She waited for Matthew and Marilla to go inside. Then Anne closed the door with her butt. Matthew and Marilla thought that Anne would be harmless. But, as it turned out, they were wrong.

The rest of the day was awful. Anne would not help out with any of the farm work. When she was supposed to wash the dishes, Anne was putting on her make-up and reading tips on how to get bitchin' new breast implants. Though of course, her breasts were not small and humble, and could be confused with mountains. When told to get water from the well, Anne leaned on the haystack, waiting for someone to take her picture.

"Excuse me," said Anne, "do you have a camera? I want my picture taken." She looked at Matthew with bedroom eyes. Matthew was grossed out. Then Marilla saw how suggestive Anne was. Her jaw dropped instantly.

"ANNE!" she yelled. "Go to your room before I make you go!"

At night, Anne would decorate her room with posters. One was of Gisele Bundchen in a thong bikini. Another was of Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner without shirts. The rest of the household cringed at Anne's display.

The next day was a school day. Anne was sent to school. Since she was a bad girl, she decided to wear a slightly unbottoned shirt to school. The other kids laughed at her, especially naughty little Josie Pye.

"Look at that slut over there!" said Josie. All of the other kids laughed.

"Who cares, bitch?" said Anne. She gave Josie the finger.

When Anne's teacher noticed that, combined with Anne's unbuttoned shirt, he nearly had a heart attack.

"ANNE SHIRLEY!" he yelled.

"What, bastard?" asked Anne.

Anne's teacher walked up to her and slapped her.

"We DO NOT run around in school dressed like prostitutes," said the teacher.

"But I wear this every day," said Anne.

The teacher then noticed Anne's voluptuous breasts.

"And why are your breasts so big?" he asked.

"I got implants when I was 13," said Anne. "but I think I need bigger ones. I wish Marilla would get them. She's so old and ugly. You are too!"

The teacher was so angry, he kicked Anne out of school. Later that day, he told Matthew and Marilla. They disowned Anne and told her to never come back.

"Oh well," said Anne, "who needs them? I'm going to go into town and look for some boys to make out with."

Anne went into town. She was walking with a swing. She found one young man who she found attractive. She gave him a kiss on the lips. The man slapped her and ran away. Then Anne had a brilliant idea - she would play some pranks on the townsfolk. She annoyed them with Katy Perry songs, making them listen to "I Kissed a Girl" and "California Gurls". But Anne didn't care. She was a bitch.

After she had scared everyone away, Anne laughed wickedly at her triumph. Eventually, she was stopped.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" yelled a voice.

Anne looked behind her. She saw a young girl with freckles and red hair in braids.

"Who are you?" asked the girl. "And why are you stealing my story?"

"I'm Anne Shirley," said Anne.

"No you're not!" said the girl. "I am the real Anne Shirley. You are an impostor!" As it turned out, this girl really was Anne Shirley. Fake Anne (the blonde one) had kicked Real Anne (the red-headed one) out of her own book. Real Anne was placed in a cargo box on a ship to Turkey, and managed to get herself out.

"Who cares?" asked Fake Anne. "I should be the one telling this story. I'm bigger, I'm stronger, and I have something you don't - breasts!"

"Oh, yeah?" said Real Anne. "This is my story! I'M THE REAL ANNE! This isn't your story. Why don't you go back to the prison you came from?"

"But the people love me here," said Fake Anne. "I made them have fun. And all the men think I'm the hottest girl in town!"

The men in town begged to differ.

Matthew and Marilla saw Real Anne and came running over.

"Anne!" said Matthew, looking at the red-headed girl. "I'm so glad I found you. You must be the real Anne."

"Yes I am," said Real Anne.

"Wait a minute..." said Marilla, "if you're Anne, then who's that?"

"Okay, I admit it!" said Fake Anne. "I'm an impostor! I took over the book because I was jealous of a stupid little ginger kid getting the damn starring role. Well listen up, you rednecks - sex sells! I should be the star! I'm pretty and I'm talented. People bought the cover of Anne of Green Gables with me on it, right?" What fake Anne didn't notice was that there were a bunch of dark figures approaching.

"Let's get out of here!" said Real Anne.

Matthew, Marilla, and Real Anne hurried away, leaving Fake Anne with the dark figures.

Fake Anne saw the dark figures. She saw that they were a bunch of Ringwraiths. There were nine of them.

"You're coming with us," said their leader.

The leader grabbed Fake Anne. He and the other dark figures dragged her out of Prince Edward Island and into another dimension.

"Where are you taking me?" asked Fake Anne.

"You're going home," said the leader. "Back to the present, where we will put you back among your own people. The people of Green Gables will not remember who you are and it will snap back into canon. We're going to let you off the hook this time, but heed my words...if you mess up any other books' canon, we will take you to court and sue you." He turned to the reader. "Whatever you do, DO NOT by any Anne of Green Gables books with this girl on it!"

Fake Anne heeded their words and never messed up again. But when she got back to her own world, she woke up with sore breasts and rashes all over her. This was a reminder to never fuck up any more books.

THE END