Greetings, dear reader. The story in which you are about to partake, my story, is about exactly what the title says: killing Phil. But who is Phil, you ask? And more imortantly, who am I?

My name is Patricia Maize, but you can call me Trish. I'm your everyday housewife/ex-assassin. Before I married my husband, Dr. Andrew Maize, I was Sally Valiant, one of the greatest assassins on the planet. I gave up on the business after I got married. But every now and then, I have to use my skills for... personal reasons.

Two days ago I was working out on the treadmill in our home gym when the house phone rang. Answering the call, I was met with the typical sweet-as-honey voice wielded by all telemarketers. The telemarketer introduced himself as Phil, and he wanted to talk to me about saving money on hotels in Florida.

Seeing as I hate Florida aka God's waiting room, I told him no thank you. He became more insistent. I refused politely, but firmly, telling him I had no wish to go to Florida until I was at least 80. Or dead. I told him good-bye, and I was about to end the call, when I heard him utter a word. A word that, to this day, no one has called me and lived to tell about it: Cunt.

I hung up, then dialed a number that I handn't bothered using in years; that of my old boss, the Serpent. He gathered the information I required on Phil and where he worked. After laying out my plan of action, I went to sleep that night with the peaceful reassurance that tomorrow, come hell or high water, I would KILL PHIL.