A/N: I'm not trying to be judgemental or offensive when I say this, but sometimes I have a hard time reading fanfiction based off of movies/television shows. I think the main thing about it is that it's a piece that, while based off of a fictional character, is still written about a real person (ie: the actor behind the character)—and I know I personally would be so embarrassed if I ever became famous and found fanfiction about me (hahahaha). But regardless of that, I do sometimes read them, especially if I find a particular episode was unsatisfactory. And this is what prompted me.
When Glee first began to air, my family didn't have television. I knew about it of course, but I never seemed to have the time nor memory to look it up on the web. By the time it gained popularity, I figured I would wait—I didn't want to be labelled as one of those people who watch something just because everyone else thinks it's cool. No, so I waited until a month after its season finale to watch all 22 episodes in three days :) I love the show so very much, and one particular episode gripped me particularly hard: Episode 18 'Laryngitis'. It's flawless as is, but me being me, needed something a little more. And I tried and tried to ignore it, but the words could not be ignored.
So I hope you enjoy it!
Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Glee, or the lyrics to Rose's Turn. However, I will be borrowing said lyrics, and lines directly from the episode.
"If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it."
~Toni Morrison~
Will knew there was something up. He prided himself on being able to reading people and helping them in any ways he could, but he didn't need that particular talent to know that Kurt was going through something pretty serious. Sometimes, when he let his mind wander he would start to think about his Glee kids. On some days different ones would catch his attention, be it for good or bad reasons, and today, for Kurt, it was a bad reason.
One thing that made Will proud of Kurt was his ability to be confident in the face of so much pressure, ignorance, and cruelty. Sure, Kurt probably had days when he just wanted to curl up and die—but everyone had those days once in a while. Kurt had been dealt a difficult hand though, but he still didn't let anyone bring him down or change him.
But today, when he'd shown up to the choir room in a vest and plaid he couldn't help but do a double take. And then when he'd sung Mellencamp's 'Pink Houses', everyone, not just he, had been a little perturbed by the performance that was so obviously unlike the Kurt they'd all come to know. Still, he couldn't help but be impressed by the boys deeper vocal range, something he wasn't aware of before. But that would have to wait...
The clapping was hesitant, and he could see everyone looking at each other, asking questions with their eyes. He saw Kurt in front of him, and he seemed like a stranger. He felt his forehead crease as his eyebrows frowned, and he caught Kurt's eye. The boy honed in on him, and walked heavily towards him.
"Is there something wrong, Mr. Schue?" Kurt asked, his voice deeply bored.
Will shook his head. "I don't think you got the point of this assignment. This was about finding a song that expresses who you are. That song didn't really sound like you."
He'd stood up and placed his hands in his pockets as he'd spoken. Kurt, just a tad shorter, stood much the same.
"Well, I'm sorry I didn't live up to your expectations."
That's it. He could feel it in his bones. But he had a feeling it wasn't him that Kurt wanted to say this to. But was it his place right now to heckle the boy?
"No, no, no. This group needs you to be you, Kurt. You can literally do things that no one else can," he said in an almost pleading voice.
Kurt's eyes got wide. "I'm not a box. There are more than four sides to me." Will could see him shaking with a finely repressed anger.
He leaned in closer and whispered, "Don't lose track of who you are just because it might be easier to be someone else."
Kurt stared deeply into his eyes. Will couldn't look away—he knew what he said would surely resonate with the boy before him. In the green eyes he saw something deep and hurting, and as Kurt turned and walked away, he could help but think that he would never envy Kurt's position in life. Because at sixteen, that boy had experienced something that he and so many other people would never have to.
Finn sat in the passenger seat of Mr. Hummel's car watching the driver, one Burt Hummel, simply gripping the wheel and staring out at nothing through the windshield. He looked away guiltily; he'd barely seen Kurt there standing in the hall talking to the man who sat beside him now, and even though he should be excited going to see a big football game, all he could remember was Kurt's hurt face the other night at their 'family' dinner.
"I'm so sorry, Finn," Burt said quietly.
Finn sat looking at his lap. "It's ok, Mr. Hummel. I really do understand. We've all noticed how strange he's been acting lately...I think you should go spend some time with him. Not me."
He looked over again and saw Burt nod his head, though he still watched the outside world.
"Where would he be right now then?" He asked gruffly.
"Uhhhh..." He didn't know what Kurt did outside of school, Glee club, and Cheerios. But if he had to guess...
"I'd say check in the choir room."
Will watched from inside the door of the choir room as Kurt's father approached him in the hall. He saw the man reach out a hand and place it on Kurt's shoulder. Then he walked away, leaving Kurt behind; he stood there a minute or so, completely unmoving. He was just about to get up and ask if he was ok when Kurt turned abruptly and walked quickly down the hall.
Will sighed and turned around on the piano stool, glancing over at the few Glee members left before turning back to the sheet music beneath his hand. A few minutes passed, but he was shocked out of his reverie when a firm hand gently shook his shoulder.
"Mr. Schuester, would it be alright if I used to Auditorium for a little while?"
Kurt stood behind him, donned in new clothes that suited him to a 'T'. Will almost smiled, but when his gaze got to Kurt's eyes he stopped himself. Though he wasn't crying, his eyes were heavily misted over. Will knew then that whatever had been building up inside Kurt these past few days was about to burst, and that Kurt needed to get it out, and quick.
"O-Of course, go right ahead. There shouldn't be anyone in there right now."
Kurt nodded, unable to look him in the eyes. He turned swiftly, walking his normal walk, and was gone. William watched the door and he was lost in thought.
"Mr. Schuester...?" A hesitant voice asked.
He turned around and saw Artie, Tina, Mercedes, and Rachel looking at him concernedly.
"Do you think Kurt is alright? He's been acting so different these past couple of days," Tina said demurely.
Will sighed, but couldn't help but be pleased that they were voicing their concern for a friend and fellow club member.
"I think maybe Kurt's been having a rough time of it lately, and he's been struggling with who he is, and who he thinks he should be," he answered just as quietly.
Three knocks resounded off the wooden door and he turned to see the plaid-clad man standing in the entrance of the room. He looked slightly uncomfortable, and completely out of his element. His left hand came out from his jean pocket and sheepishly scratched at the skin behind his ear; he swayed slightly from foot to foot, and wouldn't look at anyone directly.
"I don't know if you remember me, Mr. Schuester, but I'm Burt Hummel, Kurt's dad."
William stood and walked towards the man with his hand outstretched. "Of course I remember you, Mr. Hummel. What can I help you with?"
"I was hoping maybe Kurt was here, but he isn't..."
"He's in the auditorium!"
Burt looked past William to Mercedes, surprise in his eyes—he hadn't realized there were other kids in the room.
"T-The auditorium, huh? Well, I don't think I should bother him then..."
"No, no, we'll show you the way there. I have a feeling you should bother him this time."
Burt finally looked him in the eyes. His eyes were green, just like Kurt's. And just like Kurt, William could tell that this father could see the sadness and confusion in his son, and that he was ready to help in whatever way he could.
As they began their short journey to the school's auditorium he began to feel uneasy about bringing the other students with him. This performance for Kurt was going to be very emotional. And now his father was here too...it just seemed like it should be private. Yes, he would show Mr. Hummel to the auditorium and then he and the kids would leave so they could have whatever privacy they needed.
As all six of them turned the corner the two sets of double doors came into view. One set was already propped open, but none of them heard any sound coming from inside whatsoever. Funnily enough, they all seemed to slow their pace at the same time. There was tenseness in the air, almost like fear.
Will wanted to turn around and leave with his students now. They'd brought Burt Hummel here, now it was time for them to go. But something inside of him wanted, needed, to stay. He could always tell that Kurt was an emotional person, but he had such rigid control over himself. One of the only times he remembered Kurt being so passionate about something was when he wanted to sing 'Defying Gravity' for everyone...now Will wanted to see this emotional spring that he knew would surpass anything he'd ever seen Kurt do before.
They stepped through the door into utter darkness. They could barely see the outline of the seats surrounding them, and they all hesitated in going further in. But on the stage they could see Kurt, illuminated in a spotlight, just standing on the stage. He looked so much more like himself in the clothes he wore, much more comfortable than in those plaid shirts and formless jeans.
They stood waiting, breathless. Music began, first strings, then quiet horns. The microphones surrounding the stage caught the beginnings of Kurt's song, and they all were captivated in the music.
Why did I do it?
What did it get me?
Scrapbooks full of me in the background.
Give 'em love and what does it get ya?
What does it get ya?
One quick look as each of 'em leaves you.
All your life and what does it get ya?
Thanks a lot and out with the garbage,
They take bows and you're battin' zero.
He and his students stayed near the top in the doorway, but soon after Kurt began his father slowly proceeded down to the lower levels. But it seemed like no matter how close he got to the stage, Kurt didn't see him. He was in a completely different place in his head.
I had a dream.
I dreamed it for you, Dad.
It wasn't for me, Dad.
Will watched Burt as his son sang his song, changing it to fit himself. He could no longer see his face, but he could see the sagging of his shoulders.
And if it wasn't for me
Then where would you be,
Miss Rachel Berry?
He almost chuckled when Kurt said that line. He just hoped Rachel could take the joke too.
Well, someone tell me, when is it my turn?
Don't I get a dream for myself?
Starting now it's gonna be my turn.
Gangway, world, get off of my runway!
Starting now I bat a thousand!
He'd never really heard his son sing before. Sure, once in a while he couldn't help but hear him through the floors when he really belted it, but most of the time he knew Kurt would wait and put it off for when he wasn't around.
But he could hear so much in his voice, let alone the words. It was gravelly, and it was sore. It sounded like pain. But he couldn't help but smile at the dancing boy on the stage—he'd never seen his boy so excited and energetic.
This time, boys, I'm taking the bows and...
Everything's coming up Kurt!
Everything's coming up Hummel!
Everything's coming up Kurt!
This time for me!
For me!
For me!
For me!
Everytime he said that line, jumping and landing with the music, sent guilt through his veins.
For me!
For me!
For me!
He could hardly believe how he never noticed how talented his son was. How many kids his age could sing like that? And he wasn't even thinking about the notes, and range, or dancing. No, he was thinking about the utterly obvious emotion that he carried in his voice, in his words. Because some people, when they sing, it's only words. But this had heart.
He clapped as Kurt landed and finished. He saw how his eyes were wide and shocked, and embarrassed almost.
"That was some serious singing, kid."
Kurt stood, hand on hip, and nervously fixed his hair. "That was 'Rose's Turn'," he replied breathlessly.
"I could get into that...maybe," Burt said as he walked closer and onto the stage.
"So what happened with football and Hoagies?"
Kurt sounded accusatory...this was the point when Will wanted to leave. But some force rooted him and the others to the ground.
"Uhh..." Burt began. "Blew it off. You know, too much cholesterol."
Kurt smiled sadly as he faced his dad. "I bet Finn was disappointed."
"Yeah, but he understood once I told him how bad outta shape I thought you were."
"Me? I'm fine."
The mikes were still on, and from Kurt's watery voice they all knew that the situation was reaching critical mass.
"Kurt..." His father said, gentle yet firm. "I'm dumb but I'm not stupid. And I have no idea really what that song was about, but 'fine' don't sing like you just sung."
Artie, Tina, Mercedes, and Rachel were moving a little closer to the stage, but they stuck to the shadows. William nervously followed. Even though they all knew this was an intensely personal thing between Kurt and his dad, they were all so concerned about the boy who kept everything welled up and wore a mask of superiority. This was almost like a zoo, a rare look into the emotional and hard world of one Kurt Hummel.
"Maybe I got carried away doin' stuff with Finn." He moved closer to his son. He wanted him to know that he was there for him. "But I told you, this thing with you is going to be hard—"
"This 'thing' with me? You mean being gay?"
Will gasped, and he heard the others as well, though they were all so quiet they could barely be counted as gasps. He'd always assumed Kurt and his family were pretty good with the situation, but it would appear he was wrong.
"Yeah, Kurt. Bein' gay."
Kurt nodded nervously and moved from foot to foot, just like his dad. He looked like he either wanted to run away crying, or storm away screaming.
"Look, I will fight to the death for your right to love whoever you want. But when you were a little baby in my arms, did I dream about takin' you to the baseball games and talkin' about girls? Yeah, I did. A lot of fathers do," Burt said honestly. But he wasn't hurtful about it—he just wanted him to know how he really felt.
"I had no idea how disappointing I was," Kurt's voice said, wobbling dangerously close to the edge.
Will remembered the previous day, when Kurt had apologized for not living up to his expectations. No, Kurt, that's not true. You're not a disappointment to me, and definitely not your father.
Kurt was turning to leave, apparently deciding on the crying route, but his father stopped him with a firmness that would stop any child.
"Hey, now stop it right now, I'm talking straight with you, don't go playing the victim. You know that's not what I mean."
Kurt stopped and turned right around, though he looked hesitant and a little scared.
Kurt sighed and swallowed the lump in his throat. "I know, I'm sorry. I know you're working hard on yourself to...make this all ok. But just seeing you...the way you are with Finn...how easy it is...it..."
"...it breaks my heart, dad."
Will had to stop himself from reaching up and rubbing away the wetness from his eyes. This young man is usually so stoic, but to hear him now one would never believe you. His breaking, tearful voice would make anyone feel sad. Anyone with a heart.
He can remember growing up, how hard life was in high school and continued to be to this very day. But he knows he has it easy compared to Kurt. He knows that this young man and his father will experience pain that he will never have to, and for that he feels sorry for them. But he knows that they'll make it through just fine, because they're here now, for each other. And that's what matters.
Burt laughed disbelievingly. "Is that why you were pretending to date that daffy cheerleader?"
Yeah, Will didn't get that either.
"And dressing differently? And singing Mellencamp?"
"I just wanted you to know that...I'm going to work as hard as you to make this ok."
"You don't have to work on anything, Kurt." He leaned down so he can see right into his son's eyes. He hates to see him so upset; it reminds him of the day when his wife died and when Kurt couldn't stop crying. It hurt just to look at him and see how big and red his beautiful green eyes were. "Your job, is to be yourself. And my job is to love you, no matter what. Ok? That, and a majority ownership of the tire shop is all we got."
He made a small smile, but Kurt's lips were trembling too much to move. "If we can do that we're gonna be great."
Kurt nodded his head and sniffed his nose. His arms were clutching each other across his chest. "I've missed you, dad."
Burt wrapped his arms around his sons shoulders tightly, like many men are too afraid to. But Kurt clutches him just as tightly and rests his weary head on his shoulder. When William and the others notice their friend's tearful face, they know it's time to leave. They moved as quietly as they could, but before they leave the auditorium they hear a last 'I love you' come from both the men they left behind.
A/N: So I really hope this wasn't just one big angst-fest for anyone. I wanted it to be emotional, but meaningful. I hope my message got across as well as it did on the show.
I personally am not any type of homosexuality, but I have many friends who are, and I've seen what the world can do...and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Maybe that's why I'm so partial to the character of Kurt. You know, besides the fact that he's a great actor, singer, and quite good looking.
