Best I Ever Had
A Duo POV FIC



The lyrics to "Best I Ever Had" have been rattling around in my head since I bought the CD last year. It has always seemed to be a good premise for an angsty sad 1X2 fic. I am not using them in the fic because they seemed to clutter it up. I will post them after the final chapter.

Standard Disclaimers apply. I own no rights to any trademarks to anything owned by Sunrise, Bandai or Vertical Horizon.

Warnings: Yaoi, OOC, Angst, at least some lime if not outright lemon (hey! It's me writing!) Though it will come in much later......

Chapter 1

Today has to be the worst day of my life. The Maxwell Church Massacre, all the soldiers and civilians killed during the two latest wars, all the nights spent running on the streets of L2, pale in comparison. I have lost the man I love and he took our children with him. I lost my heart. Normally, people say that when they fall in love. I did. This morning I lost it again when Heero left and took our two boys with him.

So here I sit surrounded by the remnants of my shattered life. The house feels dead to me. Before today it was filled with light and laughter and love. At least, I thought it was. Now I sit in darkness and wonder why. I never knew Heero wasn't as happy as I was. Why am I surprised? He has always been able to keep the deepest part of himself hidden from me. Even after 10 years of being together, he never felt safe enough to trust me with his whole self. I was so in love I didn't stop and consider what that meant. I should have but no one ever said love is smart.

I catch myself staring into space and remembering. I can still see the day Heero first told me he loved me.
We were celebrating the end of the Eve war. We both were drunk of course. Drunk from victory, liquor and love. He looked so cute lying with his head on my lap, blinking to focus his eyes on my face above him. Then he spoke the three words that changed my life forever.

The scene changes to the day we brought our boys home. Heero was so proud. He was so taken with both of them. He gave up his job to become a stay-at-home parent. Who would have thought? He was the one to get up for midnight feedings, sit up all night rocking away a fever, spending time in their classrooms as a helper. I was almost jealous.

The scene before my mind changes again. Heero is standing in front of me in our bedroom. The boys are asleep down the hall and he says he needs to tell me something.



~~
Flashback

"Duo, I have something to tell you. Sit down."

"What's up? Little Kai break another girl's heart again or did Angelo blow up the science lab?"

"Duo! This is serious. Can't you be serious for once in your life?"

"Why? Life's more fun this way!"

"That's what I want to talk to you about. Life isn't always fun and games. But you! You always have a joke, a prank or some practical joke to pull. You treat the boys like they are your best friends and when I discipline them, you undermine me. That's bad enough but you don't take us seriously. I have tried and tried to tell you I am unhappy and we need to try to work on us but you just laugh, make some wisecrack and walk away. Well, I can't live like this anymore, Duo. I need someone who is there for me. I need an adult. Life is not always fun and I need to be with somebody who knows this, someone who has grown up."

I stood there in shock. He couldn't mean what he was saying. He told me loved me because I made him laugh and now that was why he was leaving me?

"I will be gone in the morning and I am taking the boys with me. They need the steady influence of a stable adult. Here is where we will be staying until our new house is out of escrow. Duo? Duo?"

Heero's calling my name snapped me out of whatever hell I had fallen into. He stood there with a scowl on his face. Typical Heero.

"Yes?" My voice sounded normal. How was that possible? My world had just stopped spinning and I sounded normal.

He handed me a small square of paper with an address written on it. It was Quatre and Trowa's place.

"Last one to know, eh? You can leave me Heero, that's your choice. But Kai and Angelo stay here. I will not let you take them from me. YOU HEAR ME, MR. PERFECT? They leave here over my dead body."

"If that's the way you want it, Duo."

Heero's fist connected with the side of my head with the force of a jackhammer. I knew nothing until the next morning. He and the boys were already gone. Damn him! He didn't even let me say goodbye.

~~
End Flashback



He didn't even let me kiss them goodbye. The bastard! They're my kids too. I love them as much as he does. They need me as much as they need him. .........I need them......him......all of them. God, how do I go on now? They were my life, my reason for living. Everything I did, I did for them. Now who do I do it all for? Me? Right, as if I mattered. I must have some fatal flaw that makes me drive away everyone I have ever cared for. Sure, everyone before Heero died, but he may as well have died. I can't imagine feeling any worse if he had. Maybe it would have been better if he had died. I would have my boys with me and I wouldn't have to live with the knowledge that he's out there somewhere and will find someone to replace me. NOOOOOOOOO!

~~~~~~~~

It's been 2 months now since Heero left me, taking the boys with him. It feels like years. I moved to a small two-room place in a rundown neighborhood downtown. After Trowa and Quatre took all the clothes, toys and mementos Heero sent them for, I sold everything that was left. I couldn't bear to look at any of it. My heart would break and I would spend hours crying, ranting and damning the man that had brought me so low. He's the man I see in the mirror every day.

I have written Heero a letter every week since he left. He never answers me but I don't expect him to. I tell him how my life is, now that he's not here. How I sold our home and everything in it to set up a trust fund for Kai and Angelo. How after waking up one day not knowing where I was, how I got there or whose bed I was in and how that same day I kept an appointment with a psychiatrist to help me deal with feeling abandoned once again, anger I wouldn't let myself feel, the horrible ache in my chest when I thought of my little boys and the hardest part-the guilt that was choking the life out of me. How I had entered into a support group for people who can't commit to relationships.

It helps, a little. Most of us are pathetic excuses for adults. All the others are straight and I haven't told them I'm gay. I don't think I could take the rejection. We sit around drinking watery coffee and tell each other we are better, that we are getting on with our lives. Maybe we are, I can't tell. I only know that every time I go to sleep I see my beautiful family and the wonderful life I used to have. Then I wake up to the dreary reality of being alone.

The doctor told me that the reason I can't commit is because I feel like I don't deserve to be loved and that I am afraid I will be left again. So true. I just never let myself know. I don't lie to others but I lie to myself. ............

~~~~

Not anymore. I am taking the good doctor's advice and getting my life together so I can have something to offer. He says I will find someone else. I don't WANT anyone else. I want My Heero. I want my boys. I want my life back the way it used to be.

The doctor also says I need to get on with my life. I am. Everything I do now is part of getting Heero to give me another chance. Heero was right, I see that now. I had lived behind my mask of laughter and frivolity for so long I couldn't live without it. Heero's leaving me and taking our sons was like a slap in the face, a jolt of cold water washing over me. So I live in the adult world now. I no longer laugh and sing. I no longer smile at the sunrise or run through the morning dew just because I can. I have more serious things to do, to think about and nothing to really be happy about.

~~~~

Wufei came by to visit yesterday. He told me he hardly recognized me. I don't know why. I still look the same. Wear the same clothes. Braid my hair the same way. He said I had lost my spark, my love for life.
I spent the next 15 minutes telling him just what he could DO with his opinion.

Surprise, surprise! He didn't try to kill me. He just sat there in the broken armchair and let me rant. I think I needed to let go of some of my anger and I think he knew it. Wufei asked me what I was doing with myself these days so I told him of my plans and how adult I am now. Don't know why I told him so much.

He cursed Heero. Said he was gonna kill him for what he had done to me. I begged him not to; I told him I still love Heero. His eyes lost their dark sparkle for a moment. He promised to not kill Heero and then asked me if I needed anything. After I told him I was okay, he gave me a hug with a strange look in his eyes and took his leave of me. Very weird.

TBC
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I'm not too happy with the way parts of this turned out. Some of it seems forced and for good reason. It is. I guess I don't have what it takes to write a really good Heero-leaves-Duo fic. But I try and I will continue to try if you guys think it's worth it.

So...... please let me know what you think. Tell me you hate it if you want to. Tell me if you like it even.
Pleeeee~eeease? D-chan