Authors' Notes:

This is just a bit of madness my sister and I created on a lazy Sunday afternoon. As this is I figured we'd post our little parody here. Oh, and Jiang Shi are Chinese vampires, or ones based of the Chinese legends.

-Kelsey (Poetic Ramblings)

Neither of us own the tale of Mary and her little lamb. I don't know if anyone does, for that matter, but I'll put this disclaimer up to be safe. Hope you enjoy it, and aren't too grossed out. Also, although this is rated K+ there are some pretty grotesque scenes. So read at your own risk.

-Kiersten (Sumiko Mikazuki)


Mary and the Meal

Mary was a sweet little girl, with fluffy pink dresses, soft black hair that curled into perfect ringlets. But what softened her appearance the most was her cute little lamb that followed her everywhere. Everyone in town loved the lamb, and he was let wherever Mary went, except school. Mary's teacher was a vicious woman, loud and rotund with a voice that could crack steel. Mary was quite sad that her little pet couldn't come to her place of education, so one sunny Monday she decided to sneak him to school.

"Yum!" Mary's teacher exclaimed when she spotted the lamb, "We can make roast lamb!"

"No!" Mary screamed. "Let me get the pickles first!"

Mary's teacher growled at her, salivating like a mad dog. "My meat," she hissed, placing a possessive hand on the lamb's leg.

Mary sneered and launched herself at her teacher, the claws protruding from her small fingers tearing into the large woman's face. The teacher yelped and jumped back in pain, before wrestling Mary to the linoleum floor.

"Die, you bloody Mary!" she announced, her voice sharp and decisive, like some sort of primitive battle cry. The educator took a deep breath and dove into her student's shoulder, anticipating fresh meat.

"Whatever teach," Mary snickered, knocking the teacher off with little effort.

"Baa!" said the lamb, frightened by the manic violence. "Baa!" He scurried around the room, desperate for a way out.

"No!" Mary's teacher barked, frustrated that her meal was escaping. "Catch him you stupid girl!"

"It's your fault," Mary howled, pained by her pet's escape. She took a quick lunge forward, but hastily lost her footing as the lamb darted under her legs. "Damn," Mary said weakly, feeling the blood drip from her cracked skull onto the clean white tiles, "this floor's done for."

Mary's teacher studied Mary carefully, waiting until she was sure she was dead. "Not what I was expecting, but it'll work," she giggled, licking her lips hungrily before delving into Mary's corpse. "It's bitter…" the woman observed, her breath slowing as she tore at the flesh. Her eyesight began to blur as she realized she had been poisoned. "Nice trick," she laughed, glancing at Mary's smiling cadaver as everything faded to black.

The room was as dead silent as the bodies occupying it. All of the students had fled in fear of the animal-like behavior of their teacher and classmate, leaving only the little white lamb.

"Baa," the lamb repeated softly, nearly smiling at his lifeless owner. He lifted his muzzle triumphantly and bore his razor teeth. They were almost ready, he thought gleefully, once rigor mortis had set in he would make them into his own. A Jiang Shi army would raise across the world. Across the universe.


Bloody Mary and the Vampire Lamb

Mary had a little lamb

Little lamb, little lamb

Mary had a little lamb

Whose teeth were sharp as tacks

right into school one day

School one day, school one day

Snuck him into school one day

Teacher saw a snack

Mary was quite hungry too

Hungry too, hungry too

Mary was quite hungry too

Wanted some roast meat

Mary beat her teacher down

Teacher down, teacher down

Mary beat her teacher down

Knocked misses off her feet

Teacher bared her razor claws

Razor claws, razor claws

Teacher bared her razor claws

And dug into her flesh

Little lamb got very scared

Very scared, very scare

Little lamb was scared

Fear and death did mesh

'Cause Mary fell and cracked her head

Cracked her head, cracked her head

Mary fell and cracked her head

Tripped right o'er her pet

Teacher saw the body, fresh

Body fresh, body fresh

Teacher saw the body, fresh

And got some good meat yet

Mary's poison killed her dead

Killed her dead, killed her dead

Mary's poison killed her dead

Two corpses, young and old

Little lamb bared vampire fangs

Vampire fangs, vampire fangs

Little lamb bared vampire fangs

Planned to rule the world