PAROLYTIC PARODY
EPISODE 1: MUSICAL MILAISE
I PROLOGUE
[A/N: the following happens during the song below, with the blows falling to the beat of the music]
Frozen tundra, featureless from high above. Everything is painfully bright, overly-saturated to the point that the brain reads a fuzzy image. Swooping lower Vicious's bird (or one that looks almost identical) shrieks and dive bombs after Laughing Bull's wolf. It snarls a warning, not missing a beat in its' gallop across the ice, dodging the spots of color emerging from the surface.
Gradually shapes are easier to identify. Faces of the dead, most of them go unrecognized, all of them go unnoticed by the tall man casually following the tracks of the wolf. A man who's lines are easier to read but whose color is grey-washed, transparent. Hands in his pockets, shoulder's slumped, barely glancing down every so often to make sure of the path. Occasionally he has to dodge the sledgehammers of the dead. They crowd, hungry for his soul, but no fear registers, not even in his two-colored eyes, not even when their weapons graze him.
The blows come faster and more frequently as he nears the only discernible object on the horizon- a decrepit tree untouched by snow. It's no longer possible to walk freely; the masses of color all but consume the grey lines. But the man does not struggle. He just keeps moving forward.
He's whistling a familiar tune. The same song that's playing through his headphones. As the bird swoops closer, a phrase escapes and echoes, reverberating through all the over-colored, undefined forms.
"3-2-1- Let's Jam."
Death an Explication [the frozen heart/ice worker's song]
Four loners wandering lost
and grudgingly combining
into this force without care
always in danger of dying.
Jet with the heart sturdy always near,
Spike unloved n' without fear,
Faye beauty who won't let you near,
Ed's the thing apart.
All broken from the start.
Beautiful, unbreakable, outrageous, bald-
all with feelings to withhold,
louder than guns, wronger back then,
no longer without a friend.
Then with cold and singer fair,
and vicious rage unwinding,
these comrades both foul and fair
found themselves dividing.
Body torn apart, holed and freer,
Spike found love but it came with fear.
There's beauty and there's danger here.
He was dead from the start.
Beware all things fall apart.
II
[A/N so over the course of the song would be several small montages conveying this kind of information…]
Time jump several weeks. It's been a rough time ever since the events of Spike's rescue. Ed returned just in time to motivate Jet-person and Faye-Faye to go rescue Spike-o ...and as a result she lost a leg. She's been fitted with a prothetic that she's modified to fit her hacking needs (she can also super jump now.) She chose a metallic one like Jet, but hers is covered in stickers and paint. She alone seems resilient to the past (even Ein seems depressed.) No one talks about that day, not even Ed. Ed is the only one who seems to see the others since the three adults avoid one another. Ed sells her programing skills to supplement the household income.
Faye also sustained a gunshot wound to the shoulder, nothing serious. However, as her memories return she falls into a deep depression as she compares who she was before her rebirth to the con woman she became. She secretly hoped that Spike would at least acknowledge (or even better return) her display of emotion right before he left. But his behavior has not changed, except he's perhaps a little nicer on the rare occasion that they occupy the same space. She'll find a way to get over that stupid jerkface manchild.
Jet feels guilt over having to be forced (via gunpoint and duct tape) into helping Faye and Ed save Spike. He realizes that he has acted cowardly in the past. No matter what kind of barriers he put up against other people to avoid getting hurt in the end, pain still happened; so he decides to be more open.
Spike realizes all his past mistakes. And that if Julia really loved him, she would have followed him. He resolves to talk about her more often, to show the others that he is over her. He blames himself for almost getting his crew killed. The physical toll of the past year's succession of gunshot and stab wounds finally catch up to him now that the adrenaline is gone.
They've resorted to catching small fry bounty heads and playing private detective to continue living.
Do you wanna catch a bounty? (do you want to build a snowman?)
Jet
Do you want to catch a bounty?
Come on let's go faye-faye.
We never see you anymore.
You've shut the doors-
it's like you died that day.
We used to be kinda comrades
just watchin' Big Shot.
And now just because of Spike...
Do you want to catch a bounty?
It doesn't have to be a bounty.
[ok fine]
Do you want to catch a bounty?
Or spend all our money at the mall?
I think that what you're going through
shouldn't stick with you
it's not like you at all!
Ed
Ed doesn't eats her macaroni
made outta cartoons
cuz' hearing my faye-faye cry
slurp, waa, snnnffff, aaahh, blah, yelp! [Ed mimes eating, crying, blowing nose, wailing,vomiting, then falls over]
Faye-faye Ed sees you in there
hiding in the trash bin.
Ed brought some cabbage,
and some moo-moo,
it's out here for you
won't you dig in?
Jet
We don't know one another.
I guess I'm free.
So why do I feel used?
Do you want to catch a bounty?
[A/N: the long lyric-less portion would have rapid flashing images of the events leading up to Vicious's death all the way through Spike's rescue…images of isolated planets/depth of space mixed in to reinforce the concept that the crew all feel isolated…]
III.
A single shrill scream cuts through the silent halls of the Bebop, somewhere at some point in time in space. Confused exclamations, running feet, something expensive sounding crashes, skidding to an abrupt halt for the big anticlimactic reveal— Faye Valentine sprawled across the living room floor with her arm over her eyes at her melodramatic best.
A long pause as the other members of the crew blink in the shock of not finding any immediate danger. Spike Speigel is the one to move first. Hopping over the rail instead of walking down the few steps, he cautiously approaches the still woman.
"For fuck's sake Faye what the hell happened to make you squeal so loud?," he asked, nudging her side with his foot.
The moment broken, Ed walks on her hands over to Faye close enough for her nose to almost touch the woman's cheek. Ein mimics Ed. Jet follows, grumbling about dramatic freeloaders. He slumps into the yellow chair, leaning forward, expectant of the explanation.
She was still unresponsive.
Growling quietly, Spike nudges her in the side again, more urgently this time. "Faye!"
A thin shaky arm extends into the air, Spike's gaze travels the length of her arm all the way to the tip of her finger then to the laptop open on the table. Faye whimpers.
"What, the computer? See something nasty you can't unsee?"
A noncommittal whimper.
Ed folds backwards and into a sitting position, pulling her glasses down over her eyes. Almost immediately she shrieked a squeal of her own.
"Ooh la la so many zeroes!"
Still grumbling under his breath, Jet slides the computer towards himself. He frowns. "Is this real? Looks like a scam to me."
"Nyah! Real as a real realtor from realtown," Ed cackles. "It's all over the net! Loads of hits! There's one for cowboys then another for ass-ass-ins and then one for coppers and assorted gun enthusiasts!"
"Huh?" A skeptical Spike saunters over to view the screen from over Jet's shoulder. It is an invitation to a "gunpalooza sans guns" event featuring marksman competitions with cash prices with more zeroes than seemed possible. All with non-lethal weapons, of course. The e-vite is an atrocious combination of moving graphics and color. Within all the long-listed details the host was not mentioned. His eyes narrow. "Yeah I'm with Jet on this, it looks sketchy."
"Nu-uh! Nu-uh! Nossirr! The ISSP is the co-sponsorerererer! It's even on their website an the news and all the medias! ALL of them!" Ed, having worked herself up and on the verge of over-excitement, hugs herself fiercely and falls over backwards. She rolls back and forth across the floor for the remainder of the adult's conversation.
"So what's the big deal Faye? If it's that hyped up there's no way we'd win—"
Jet is cut off by Faye springing into a sitting position, startling the others. "It's not about winning Jet! Jeez! Men are so short-sighted!"
"Hu-uh?"
"There'll be tons of bounty heads there duh!"
"Yeah but there'll be tons of bounty hunters there too, Faye," says the ever-practical Jet.
"What are you boys really that afraid of some healthy competition?! What ever happened to faith in the team?"
"It's not the team I'm worried about, it's the other criminals and innocent civilians in between you and your woolongs."
Spike straightens up, stretching. He's smiling, suddenly in a good mood. "Yeah but there'll be plenty of cops there to shield them."
Jet balks. "You're not serious! Spike!"
He chuckles, shaking his head. "About going I sure am. Sounds like my kind of party. Plus there's even this nice hidden gem Faye failed to mention."
She pouts, crossing her arms. "Well yeah I wasn't sure if you guys would be down for that kind of thing."
"Say what now?" Jet's voice cracks midway in fear.
Spike only laughs harder. "The real big money's hidden in a sub-clause so fewer people will join I guess. It's a couples sharp-shooting competition."
"Yeah and I don't really want to compete against you boys. Shipmates and all that. So I figured I'd leave that little gimmick out."
"What?! You don't mean—"
"You and Spike will make such a cute couple! It'll be hard to gun you down at the end."
Ed shriek-laughs, rolling faster and faster around the room. Spike crosses his arms and glares. "And what you'd find some waxed stud to escort you? Maybe even let him get all cozy just so long as you get your money?"
Faye looks away, hand on her chest in mock shock. "Spike Spiegal who do you think I am?! Any man I use is exactly that— a man for me to use, not—"
"Wait just a minute, what?" Jet cuts her off, still confused. "You want me and Spike to go together?"
"Spike and I, me and Spike, I and Spike, Spike and me-eeee!" Ed giggles.
Faye nods, all business. "Obviously. Like it's the best way to maximize our chances of winning— like two chances." She looks from face to face, frowning. "Ok you know I'd share the money….eventually."
"Yeah after I get on your ass for weeks and weeks you just might drop a few just to shut me up," Jet grumbled.
"Or until you really really really needed something."
She scowled. "Why do you two have to gang up on me? See? Already you two are just so in sync, how could I ever come between something like that?"
She looks back and forth between the two nonplussed men, growing more and more agitated. "What?! What is your problem?!"
Jet sighs, his head falling into his hands. "There is just no way I can condone letting both of you loose separately on all those unsuspecting people. Putting you guys together might mean twice the trouble, but at least I could keep track of where both of you are at the same time. And even though you're both like, I dunno, impulsive trigger-happy explosives at least you know each other well enough to possibly prevent any fiascos, or something. I dunno. Lord help anyone who you chose to victimize…Besides you're a better shot than me."
"Yeah, that's why Spike and I should work separately."
"No that's why I won't compete against you. I can't trust you not to shoot my ass the first chance you get," Spike mumbles.
Faye huffs, bristling. "Well whatever boys, your opinions, in addition to being uncalled for, have nothing to do with me. I work alone…Well alone plus one, but apart from you, anyway. That's all that matters."
"Come on Faye, you scared of being with me or something?," Spike grinned.
This was the end of the short line composing Faye's patience. She somehow manages to make the act of standing up loud. "No!"
A long pause follows, Ein and Ed look back and forth between the two bounty hunters staring each other down across the table, one with a ridiculous grin, and the other with an even more ridiculous glare. The smugly smirking man sealed his fate by letting a low chuckle escape from his lungs.
"Fuck you!" Faye screams, smacking her partner across the head then storming off.
"Ok!" Spike saluted her retreating backside with a thumbs up. Howling in frustration, Faye picks up the nearest objects (Jet's keys, Ein's bowl, a leftover take-away box, beer cans, shoes, etc.) and chucks them at Spike until Ed's frantic pleas to stop fighting finally break through. With one last deathly face, she stalks off to her room with Ed close on her heels.
Jet shakes his head and sighs, leaning back in his chair. Spike still has a dumb smile. His eyes are far away from the scene of the most recent encounter of the Faye kind.
"You know, Spike, that's not exactly the smartest way to deal with women."
He shook his head, coming back to reality. The smile falls from his face. "Yeah I know. She just makes it too easy sometimes."
"Still…" Jet does not look toward the other man, prematurely trying to dodge the subject he knows he has to bring up.
"What?" Spike asks, noticing Jet's sudden clamminess.
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. None of my business."
Spike smiles again, playful this time. "So how would you do it then?"
Jet blushed (almost imperceptibly but very obvious around the ears) "Do what?"
Spike snorted, shaking his head. "Convince her to do this party thing, you sicko."
"Oh, right." The realization that he had seen an implication that was not there made him blush even more. "I dunno, Spike, you might just want to leave her alone on this one."
"What? Why? Sounds fun."
"Yeah that's the problem!"
"Huh?"
"You thinking playing around with her as fun, that's what…"
Spike rolls his eyes, pulling a cigarette from his jacket and lighting it in one fluid motion. He takes a few puffs, staring intently at the ground. Jet also lights up, falling into the companionable silence that made their friendship work well. He was happy the information he'd been dying to let out was still safe. Until he noticed yet another grin spreading over his partner's face.
"So what if I'm not playing."
Another long pause as Jet blinks in surprise, surveying Spike's face in an attempt to determine the man's relative seriousness. His sharp bark of a laugh takes Spike by surprise. That was not the kind of reaction he'd anticipated.
"Well damn it's about time you figured that shit out."
Spike shook his head, rubbing his forehead with the back of his hand. "Yeah I know I know…I fucked up, I get it. Maybe if she wasn't so freaking weird after I got back, I mean she won't even talk to me or anything. She's just been acting like —" Jet's subtle frown cut him off. "What?"
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. None of my business anyway."
"What?" Spike whines.
"Nothing." There's a long pause as both men finish their cigarettes. Spike starts another; Jet shakes his head no to Spike's offering.
"It's just…Spike it's just that a LOT of shit you pulled over this year…I dunno…It stuck with her I guess. Maybe you can just shake off all the things that have happened before but…" He shrugged, shaking his head again. "Look all I know is she was real fucked up the night you left, ok? I've never seen her like that and I get the feeling she hadn't either…"
"No, I know."
"Do you though?"
Another long pause. Spike flops down onto the couch and stretches out with his arms behind his head, preparing for nap mode. He sighs as his eyes close. "Guess not."
Jet snorts, shaking his head again as he rises from his chair to go back to the main hangar and the endless pile of repairs. He pats his friend's shoulder as he walks past. "Well you could always start with an apology. You've got plenty of reasons to do that."
"Nah, apologies aren't really my thing. Besides, she'd see that as weakness and go for the jugular."
"Never said it would be easy," Jet calls back over his shoulder.
"I didn't either!" Spike sits up to respond to the figure retreating down the hallway. He sighs deeply and lies back down. He watches the fan's endless circle to clear his mind enough to drift off.
[commercial break 1]
IV
Flashback to a few months ago. Faye watches the Swordfish II launch toward inevitable death. Did she really just express herself to that idiot? How could she have missed his fake eye this whole time? How could he just leave like that? And why didn't she have the courage to shoot his dumb ass down? All of the confused feelings inside collect into an agonizing knot in Faye's chest. It's hard for her to breathe. Tears fall free from her green eyes, crying sounds come in ragged gasps from her throat. She's shaking. She rubs her limbs distractedly, trying to work through some of the numbness in her extremities brought on by the panic she is fighting to hold back. Damn him.
Just as easily as that, Faye stops. She's still now. Clear and calm and controlled again. She wipes her eyes and blows her nose. The past is in the past.
Let him go (let it go)
It's damn cold on the bebop tonight
and damn I need some caffeine.
An empire of connection and I feel like part machine.
My memories a crowding sorrow rising high.
Couldn't be who I've been, can't bear more lies.
Don't let them in.
Don't let them see.
Be the bad girl you've chosen to be.
Conceal.
Don't feel.
Don't let him know.
What if he knows?
Let him go, let him go!
Can't hold him back anymore!
Let him go, let him go.
Shoot the ceiling and the floor.
I don't care if he dies today!
Now spike is gone!
That lunkhead just pissed me off anyway.
It's funny how nearly dying makes everything so alive.
And this hell is the point where I've arrived?
It's time to see what I can do-
or else to grieve a man I hardly knew.
It's right, but wrong.
No past for me just screams.
Let him go, let him go-
it's not like he's a nice guy.
Let him go, let him go-
certainly never made me cry.
I don't understand who is Faye?
Now spike is gone...
His body flies through the air right to the ground,
or gets stabbed dead with enemies all around,
or like me frozen in a carbon icy blast—
he's never coming back.
The past is in the past.
Let him go, let him go-
and I'll fly on and be strong.
Let him go, let him go-
that fierce woman is gone.
Here I stand in the cold of space.
I'm glad he's gone.
That lunkhead just pissed me off anyway.
Just as the last raw nerves quiet down, as she finally finds her composure, Faye's cell rings. She'd sworn she'd turned it off earlier since the battery was just about dead anyway. Odd. She answers.
Before she can even get the first syllable of "hello" out a panicked high-pitched whine cuts in.
"Faye-fayeee what are you doiiing? Spike persons in trouble Faye-Faye! Bad real bad bad! What are you dooiiinng? We have to go save him Faye-Fayeee!" Crying noises follow.
"Ed?! Where the hell are you?!"
V.
Transition back to the present Bebop. Faye is sprawled across her bed. Her tiny room is completely covered in clothes and trash. Ein is standing in the doorway. He never ever goes into Faye's room because he is afraid he'll become lost in all the mess. As she often does when something heavy is on her mind, Faye is talking to Ein and responding for him. At this particular moment her concern is the possible upcoming competition. Spike was a much better shot than herself; the only way she could win would be through trickery. Or to be on the same team. The thought made her stomach twist like the gravity suddenly switched off. But winning meant money. Lots and lots of money.
Woolongs are better than people (reindeer(s) are better than people)
Faye
Woolongs are better than people.
Ein, don't you think that's true?
[Ein] Sure, you can bet them, and spend them, and loose them,
and everyone's got 'em, 'cept you.
Faye
But people say more things than woolongs
Ein, don't you think I'm right?
[Ein] That's once again true, especially about you.
[Faye] Got me. I can talk all damn night.
That's right. [spoken] Hey do you have a light?
—
"Ugh of course you don't you're a dog and dogs don't smoke. Lucky." Faye digs around in her stuff looking for a lighter with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. It is not long before she gives up, throwing her hands up in exasperation. "Why does everything have to be lost all the time? Huh?"
Ein barks in response, wagging his tail.
Faye scowls. "Hey I don't have to take that shit from you too, mutt."
Ein whimpers, drops his ears and looks down in apology.
She sighs and leans over to pat the corgi on the head. "Ok ok I didn't mean to be so mean, I—"
A startled choke accompanies a small jump as Faye is startled by the figure leaning casually against the wall right next to her door. It is Spike. Again he has caught her speaking to the damn dog. Such luck. Faye assumes her annoyed aura, preparing for any kind of argument. He's sure to tease her for apologizing to a dog. She blinks in surprise when no sharp witticism comes from the man. And neither does any kind of greeting or acknowledgement. Instead, much to Faye's confusion, Spike stays posed against the wall, hands behind his back. He's clearly uncomfortable. She can see it in how stiff and un-fluid his stance is and through the odd expression she just could not place on his face. Clearly some sort of trickery was at hand and Faye was not about to loose.
Crossing her arms and taking a solid position opposite her shipmate, Faye asks, "Can I help you with something?"
Spike seems to wake up. What is meant to be a smile comes off as a grimace and all he can manage is a subdued, "Yo."
A long pause follows, neither one looking directly at the other, both growing more uncomfortably tense. Faye breaks the silence first. Keeping as close to the opposite wall as possible, she inches her way past Spike toward the living room area where she's sure to find a lighter somewhere.
Spike suddenly springs into action, jumping in front of Faye, startling a noise out of her again. What she sees does not register in her brain. She blinks in confusion, looking back and forth several times between the man and whatever he is holding out to her. He once again seems to be frozen in place. This time all she can manage is a sound suggesting an open-ended question, "Eeeh?"
The sound jolts him awake again. Much to Faye's growing horror, he half-bows stiffly from the waist and holds the arrangement out closer to her.
"Here just take it."
She raises an eyebrow, frowning. "What the hell is this Spike?"
He blinks in confusion, scratching the back of his head nervously. He had not anticipated having to answer questions.
"It's…err…for you…?"
Faye smacks her forehead in growing frustration. "I figured that much out, dumbass; but what the hell is this supposed to be?!"
Spike looks down at his and Ed's special craft project. It was supposed to be a bouquet made out of cigarettes and lolly pops instead of flowers. He thought it looked alright.
"Cigarettes and candy…"
Faye grows in frustration, snatching the bundle out of Spike's hand. "I'm confused not blind! I mean what the hell is this for?!…I don't even like lollipops really…" She really had no idea how to cope with this odd Spike outside her door; and the longer she was forced to face this odd monster the more reliant on anger she became. A growing fear starting in her chest moved all the way through her torso. Her body stiffened even further in response.
Spike knew what he was doing seemed odd. And he could see he was freaking Faye out. But the more he tried to correct himself, the weirder he seemed to appear.
"No, I know, they're for Ed or whatever," he fake giggled nervously.
"Ed? Are you high or something? If you give her these Jet'll kill you!"
"No! I mean they're for you for Ed, err…Like you bribe her with candy, right? To do your dirty work…"
Another pause filled with confusion.
"Ok you lost me."
Spike clears his throat, rocking forward on the tips of his toes. "Right…uhh…Lemmiestartover!" Suddenly, he lunges for the bouquet and snatches it from Faye's loose grip. The sudden movement is enough to make Faye jump yet again, prompting a disgruntled face from Spike.
"Err…sorry…uh…," composing himself Spike straightens up then half-bows again, offering up his gift again. This time he finally masters his trademark half seriousness.
"Will you be my partner, Miss Valentine?"
Faye snatches the present back and hits him over the head with it, punctuating her words with blows. Spike lets her land a few before blocking her sudden onslaught of hits. "You dumbass why'd you have to do all this bullshit?! You should have just asked!"
Back to his normal self, Spike grinned, "You know I had thought about real flowers but Ed said that was too boring."
The terrifying moment broken, the joke revealed, Faye laughs. "Yeah right! You! Flowers! Hah! Puh-lees." She saunters down the hallway, a mixture of elation and disappointment glossed over by her attitude.
"So does that mean yes?" Spike calls after her.
She doesn't respond other than a brief saucy smile over her shoulder. She does not look back at him, she cannot bring herself to study his cryptic behaviors anymore; not even when he calls out a taunt that will haunt her until the day of the competition.
"Guess that's a date then."
[commercial break 2]
VI.
It's registration day for the convention. Later, a party; tomorrow lots of competitions and more parties and more competitions and more partying stretching over a long weekend. Spike, Jet, and Ed are settling down for breakfast. Jet splurged and bought bacon for the special occasion to go along with his questionable pancakes. What they actually were was a continued argument between the crew centered around the shape of the food. Jet liked to entertain Edward by coming up with odd shapes or colors or toppings. Combined with the fact that the ingredients aboard the Bebop at any given time were random and scarce, he often had to get creative with his toppings and fillers which resulted in unidentifiable (and sometimes inedible) hotcakes. Even months after Ed left for her short vacation, it was still too soon for either of the men to be able to eat eggs without feeling sick.
Faye enters, placing an official looking document on the table in front of Spike, before digging in.
"What's this? Hell when did we get a printer? And legal paper?"
"My conditions," she replied ever so coyly.
Jet snorted. "Shoulda seen that one coming, bud."
Spike growled quietly before reading the document aloud. "One: touching is to be kept to a minimal. Two: no pet names. Three: no third party involvement, especially in any way that could possibly be construed as romantic. Four: the male [a line for a signature] will follow any instructions dictated from Ms. Valentine without hesitation or question, particularly in regards to attire, grooming, etc. Five: no boasting or bragging to other parties about anything remotely personal [i.e. prowess, endowments, endurance, etc.] and/or related to intimate contact. Six-"
By the time the phrase "intimate contact" was read aloud Jet and Ed were in hysterics, laughing uncontrollably. Meanwhile Faye sat quietly nodding to each point, sipping her coffee like nothing was out of the ordinary. Spike likewise was not amused. As the document progressed, his voice sounded more and more annoyed.
"What the hell is this Faye?"
"As I said— my conditions."
Jet was trying to say something between gasps for air for alas his giggle-fit was unsurpassable.
"You can't micromanage my life!"
She surveyed Spike cooly, looking over his grimy lounge outfit. He had been much too nervous to do anything over the past few days except work out and fiddle around making adjustments to his ship. Unfortunately for the others, personal hygiene had completely slipped his mind.
"Oh you'll thank me for my help. Believe me. Without me you'd go in there and the whole world would know you were a bounty hunter."
"Isn't that the whole point?"
"No!," Faye faked a laugh. "Are you crazy? Everyone there has to go in pretending to be somebody else, that's just the way these things work!"
Spike looked to Jet for an explanation or some back up or something. All he got in response was a "she's right" punctuated by gasps and laughs.
Spike growls and crosses his arms. "I ain't signing that, Faye."
She raised her eyebrows, challenging, "You won't?"
They stared each other down across the table, neither one backing down at all. In the silence, Jet and Ed were finally able to calm down, wiping the tears from their eyes and finally breathing. After what seemed like forever, Spike slammed his fist on the table. "Damn it fine! But I can't promise anything or nothing!"
She nodded in satisfaction. "Fine. Really the only really important points are one and four. You have to let me dress you properly and fix that stupid hair."
He grimaced, surveying his appearance in the warped curve of a spoon. "Yeah whatever….But how are people supposed to get that we're a couple if I can't touch you?"
Faye sighed dramatically. "I said minimal. I suppose there is no way to avoid physical contact alltogether. I'll try to bear such shame with as much grace as I can."
Spike rolled his eyes. "If anyone has the short end of the deal it's me. I hate it when you're in charge!"
Faye smiles her sweetest fake smile. Suddenly Spike feels a lot more nervous about spending time with this woman. She looked vaguely crocodilian.
Ed erupts in a new fit of laughter. "Is Faye-Faye going to make Spike-person pwetty?"
This is enough to set Jet off again. Spike slams his head on the table and starts to walk away only to stop when Jet calls out for him to hold on for a second. He waits impatiently fidgeting while Jet composes himself. It takes awhile.
"Was I waiting for something?"
Finally Jet is able to deliver conditions of his own. First he points an accusatory metal finger at each of the other three. "One- no weapons. No, even better, nothing blunt, sharp, explosive, or really anything that could even be remotely fatal. That goes with number two- no fighting, especially with each other. That'll be easy if you follow rule three: don't touch anything you don't absolutely have to. Stay away from anything that looks like it could be expensive. And other people, too, don't touch anybody.
"Four," he turns his stern eye directly at Spike and Faye, "No booze." This warrants two loud groans from the adults. They begin to argue for the benefits of alcohol at the same time, but Jet quickly cuts them off. "I SAID NO ALCOHOL and that's FINAL! It's just too damn dangerous! I need you both sharp if this trip is going to be successful. Besides in the event we have to skedaddle out of there real quick I want everyone able to drive, just in case."
He ignores the murmured complaints and the over exaggerated pouts and continues at a faster pace since the attention span of his audience was about to run out. "Five Ed, six Faye, seven Spike— no Ein, no gambling, no stunt shows. Eight- no injuries; nine- no getting separated or lost; and ten- NO SHOOT-OUTs."
The other three look completely disinterested. Jet sighs and covers his face with his hands. "Please just try to stay out of trouble."
Ed sits up straight and raises her hand high in the air.
"Yeah Ed?"
"Does Jet-Jet have any special rules?"
"Yeah, sure. Eleven- try not to loose my mind babysitting you three."
Ed sits back nodding in satisfaction. The other two adults snort and make faces in discontentment.
"So are we done here?" Spike asked with more attitude than necessary.
Jet shrugged. "Guess so."
Faye quickly rises and speeds out of the room, dragging Ed behind her. "Come on getting YOU ready is going to take forever!"
VII
[Small time jump to later that evening. Jet and Spike are waiting uncomfortably in the hangar and living area respectfully. Much to Spike's relief, Faye didn't really do anything with his hair except even out a few odd edges and make sure he washed it. He's tapping his foot impatiently faster and faster until he cannot contain his excitement a moment longer…]
For the first time maybe ever (for the first time in forever)
Spike [as he sings Spike will move to join Jet in the hangar, swinging off exposed beams and other musically stuff]
Damn I feel golden!
Not even sore.
I didn't know I could feel this anymore.
Who knew I could even believe in fate?
For years I've just tried to forestall
movin' on after Julia the biggest wall,
but FINALLY I'm ready for a date!
That's right, Me undead Spike Speigel!
And who'd've thought with Faye-Faye?
But wow am I so ready for this change.
Jet [during his portion, Jet's fiddling with mechanical looking things]
For the first time in forever
we can go out with no fights.
For the first time in forever
I won't have to tell them what's right.
Not sure if they're sad or happy-
but there won't be broken bones!
'Cause for the first time in forever
they might act like they're grown!
Ed [Faye is finally putting her finishing touches on the make-Ed-look-typical project; Faye's been super distracted the whole time/her mind is elsewhere]
[reading]Tonight come cowboys one'n'all!
Descend upon the woolong's call!
Out out to the biggest hunt in space!
(Sincerely no guns at all beware)
From the ISSP- ends there.
[stops] Ed thinks they'll bring some just in case.
But Ed has to wear shoes on feetsies
So Ed'll feed 'em to buzz-ards
too bad those are rare here on mars.
Faye [she finishes with Ed and kicks her out as Ed sings the trailing "mars" note; then Faye gets dressed quickly before exiting to the hangar]
For the first time in forever
I don't feel the need to run
For the first time in forever
I don't feel lost without someone
And I know I've been kinda hazy
like almost in a trance
But for the first time in forever
I'm not thinking 'bout romance.
—[as she turns the corner she sees the other three waiting for her in the hangar; immediately her mood falls]
Don't let them in.
Don't let them see.
Be the bad girl
you've chosen to be.
Conceal.
Don't feel.
Put on your show!
Make one wrong move
and your feelings could grow.
But it's only for today.
Jet & Spike
It's only for today
Ed & Faye
It's agony to wait
Ed
We should all go on skates!
Spike [aside to the audience]
Holy shit I'm going on a date!
Ed
We're late!
Bebop Bebop forever forever!
Faye
Don't let them in.
Don't let them see.
Jet
I don't have to see bleeding out.
Spike [aside to audience]
Kiss the girl
who makes you feel free.
Ed
Maybe there'll be ice cream swirled
the type that Edward loves!
Faye
Conceal.
Conceal, don't feel.
Let's put on a show!
Jet I know it all ends tomorrow.
Spike So it has to be today.
Ed Fuzz buzz an ether zephyr!
Faye For the first time maybe ever-
All Nothing's in my way!
[All exit nonchalantly.]
[end ep 1]
preview voiceover for ep2:
Ed: Wowzers Ein! Lookat allthe foooooOOOOdd!
Ein: *barks*
Ed: Nyah? There's trouble afoot?
Ein: *barks three times*
Ed: Buuut Eeee-iiii-nn why can't everything just be haaappy?
Ein: *whimpers*
Ed: Right! Maybe it will be! But first: a plot! And more songs!
[unknown voice]: Next time on Cowboy Bebop: off-kilter chorus. Or maybe I'll just kill her off…
[the shots would show: several characters I'm bringing in next, establishing scenes from the party, some flashback images of Spike-Julia, and the crew in a car flying (falling really) over a cliff]
EPISODE 2: OFF-KILTER CHORUS
