For: caitlynisparanormal

Oliver

I remember the first time I almost confessed to having feelings for Josh. The day that I'd just gotten the shit beat out of me in the hallway, the day that Josh had told me he thought I was pretty.

It was when I sat there alone, in the hallway, after the bell had rang and everyone else was in class. I couldn't help it; I texted him to meet me there. I felt like shit now, and all I wanted was some company in the dirty, unforgiving hallway.

And I knew that Josh would come because well, sometimes it felt like he'd do anything I asked him to. If only I had enough guts to ask what I really wanted.

He sat with me all of that next class period, listening to me whine about how bad my face hurt. It was somehow perfect, him sitting in front of me, wincing every time that I did. I could tell he was pissed, just like he was every time some idiot messed with me, but he didn't offer to murder anyone, and I kept giving him looks to threaten, saying don't you dare get hurt for me.

Suddenly, he reached out with those gentle fingers and brushed my cheekbone. I tried not to wince, but I had a bruise there and it was hard not to cry out, even with how gentle he was.

"Oliver…" He whispered, hurt filling those beautiful eyes of his. And that was the moment that I realized what these feelings were. It wasn't gender confusion or a sexuality change. It was just feeling. And sometimes feeling was the most beautiful thing of all.

I'd known for a long time that I had a crush of sorts on Josh, but it was those few perfect seconds when I really fell for him.

His cool fingers lingered on my face for just one second and then he looked away. His hand slipped away from me, his fingers brushing against my collarbone as I drew in a sharp breath.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there." Josh said softly, and I could barely hear him, his voice tinged with sadness and something else.

"Josh, they were twice the size of the both of us. No need for two of us to get the shit beaten out of us. I'm alright." I reassured him. "I'll be fine."

"You're so pretty, Oli." Josh whispered to me. And maybe it should've been awkward or weird, or maybe it was entirely too gay but honestly I just felt like it was perfect. I thought that he was about to kiss me just then, but I realized that I was imagining it.

He would never kiss me. Josh was straight, and, anyways, what would he want with a loser like me? I was the boy who got beat up in the hallway before class, and then was too ashamed to show up to next period at all. The one who couldn't handle being alone for five seconds.

I just wished my nose would just stop bleeding.

Josh

I slid into my seat in the back of the room in Geometry and waited for Oli to get to class. He was unusually late today, but I didn't see any signs of injury on him when he sat down, and I stare at him pretty hard. If anyone would've noticed, it would've been me.

Because, well, honestly, I'd had the hugest crush on Oliver Sykes since I met him. How could I not? Okay, first off, he was extremely attractive.

Secondly, those fucking tattoos. We were both just sixteen, but somehow he had at least five or six different tattoos that I knew of. And secretly, I would've died to see if he had any others… other places…

Third, every little thing he did was flawless. Oliver wrote the most beautiful songs, sang in the most perfect voice, and always said the right thing.

I swore that that boy would be the death of me.

I hated everyone. Because, well, almost everyone hated Oliver, and I was his best friend, so the majority of them hated my guts as well. Maybe it was Oliver's odd quirkiness that made people pick on him, or maybe it was the way he appeared tough but was way too kind to ever fight back.

I'd gotten in four fights total, defending Oliver. I didn't regret a single second of any of them, because even though Oli had begged me, pleaded for me not to get in fights, we both knew that revenge was well worth it.

It was a Thursday, I remember specifically, sitting in the back of history class.

So as he just sat there, scribbling something in his notebook, I stared at him; old, slightly torn up band shirt, skinny jeans, and beat up old Vans, and then there was his longish hair hanging in his face.

I wondered if he knew how perfect he was.

My mind wandered to the time he got beat up in the hallway.

I remember the text he sent me, obviously with shaking hands, and it made little to no sense, but I ran out of the classroom to go and find him.

I wanted to hug him and comfort him and go and beat the hell out of whoever hurt him, but he begged me not to do that.

Instead he let me sit with him, and then I was so stupid that I touched his face and called him pretty. Basically signed my own death certificate right then and there. But from the look on Oliver's shattered face… it almost seemed like he was happy that I had done and said that.

And then he was sad when I moved away.

"Josh?" Oliver whispered, and I could tell that he'd said it a few times before now, but I hadn't heard him. "Are you okay?"

"What? Oh, yeah. I'm fine." I replied quickly.

"Promise?" He asked me. The teacher was already glaring at us like we were having sex in the back of her classroom or something. If only.

When Oli asked me to promise him that meant he wasn't messing around, it meant that if something was wrong he needed to know and he needed to know right this second so he could fix it.

I just shrugged.

"Fucking promise me, Josh." He looked at me, almost threatening, and the teacher asked him to be quiet.

"Mr. Sykes, please be quiet." She repeated. Oli just stared at me, waiting for my answer.

"I promise." I whispered back to him. I must've sounded convincing enough, because he went back to scribbling in his notebook and the teacher left us alone for the rest of the period.

My hands were shaking just the slightest bit because something about Oliver's tone, and something about the way he'd been so concerned made me nervous. Not bad-nervous, just scared-nervous.

And underneath the desks, Oliver's hand found mine, and his fingers just barely brushed the back of my hand. He gave me a terrified look, like I would be horrified that our hands had touched. I pretended not to notice, but he kept looking at me all period.

And since Oliver had the most magical and elusive powers in the world, I felt guilty for the rest of the class for lying to him. But what else could I have said?

No, Oliver, I am not okay because I think I am gay for you but I know you'd never feel the same.

It even sounded crazy in my head.

Oliver

Holy shit, I thought to myself. What just happened?

I tried to get a grip on myself and stop replaying those few seconds in my mind. It wasn't a huge deal, just a brush of our fingers underneath the desk. For some reason, the secretiveness of it is what made me feel so nervous.

Josh didn't seem to notice too much, but to me a little touch was everything, since we were friends and that was all we would ever be.

I sighed, and Josh glanced over, but I pretended to be writing something.

Every minute of class seemed like forever to me. When the bell finally rang, I wanted to run out of class and go curl up somewhere alone, but it was lunch now and Josh and I always sat together. Josh gave me a weird look, but didn't say anything.

Not a you-scare-the-hell-out-of-me sort of weird look, but more of just a slightly concerned glance.

I didn't blame him; I'd just made him promise that he was okay. But I had to be sure; if something was wrong or if he needed me at all, it was my job as his best friend to be there for him, like he was there for me so many times.

"Outside today?" Josh asked as we walked down the hall. I tried to duck down and hide myself from potential bullies, but the word 'fag' was still a common trend.

It didn't bother me, because this time I wasn't alone, and I didn't care what these people thought of me, because now I was with Josh and he was the only one of these people that I cared about. Sure, it wasn't the greatest thing in the world, but as long as my best friend was with me I was alright.

Josh gave me a look that said I will fucking kill them all, but I just shook my head and agreed to sit outside. He led me around to the back of the building, and we sat down there.

"I'm not hungry." I said before he could ask. But Josh didn't seem to really hear me or acknowledge what I had said.

"I need to talk to you, Oliver."

"No, I need to talk to you." I told him. He looked a little taken aback, but then just folded his hands in his lap and waited for me to talk. But then I realized… I couldn't. Not sitting in class, not now, sitting against the back of the school alone, maybe not even ever.

"Oli?" Josh asked softly.

"Never mind." I whispered, turning away so he wouldn't notice the look on my face or the tears threatening my eyes.

Josh

I realized, as I looked at him, unashamedly, every inch of his perfect because now he wasn't paying attention- I realized then that I didn't have the guts to confess to him after all.

I just sat there and Oliver hid his face for a moment and then turned to me.

He leaned in way too close, smelling clean but at the same time like pen ink a little bit. His hand rested just barely on my knee and I tried not to move. Whatever he was trying to do, I didn't want to fuck it up. Especially if he wanted to kiss me… and now he was certainly close enough to do it.

Oliver was close enough that as he spoke his breath brushed my cheek.

"Sorry. I'm just… I'm tired…" He explained, and honestly, he'd never sounded more exhausted in his life. He leaned against my shoulder a little bit, and I didn't understand what was happening but I didn't want to stop it.

The moment was perfect as Oli just rested his head on my shoulder for a few minutes. Then, he sighed and sat up more.

"It's okay." I whispered, trying to get my heart to stop racing.

Of course, in my head I was freaking out about how perfect it would all be if I had the guts to tell him how I felt.

I decided what I had to do.

Oliver

I felt so stupid.

I was trying; I was really trying to give Josh hints. I was trying to let him know that I wanted him, trying to show him how I felt without having to say it.

But more than anything, my attempts seemed to make him uncomfortable. I would've kissed him; I'm pretty sure I would've just done it but he had this scared look on his face, and I couldn't tell what that was supposed to mean. Was he scared that I was going to kiss him? Or was he afraid I wouldn't?

I tried to make small talk until lunch was over, but it was the most awkward of all kinds of awkward, and somehow our hands brushed again. I drew a sharp breath, and then I tried hard to pretend that I hadn't noticed, but clearly it was too late.

Josh looked up at me and I was looking at him, and I was caught like a deer in the headlights. Something in his eyes was off, and then there was some sense of want there. Want for what, though? I wondered.

When the lunch period finally ended, I jumped up and started walking, not leaving him behind but definitely making sure I was ahead.

Today I was having a really hard time getting a hold of myself. If this sort of… tension kept up, I might end up just grabbing him and taking what I wanted.

"Oliver, wait up." Josh called from behind me and damn it now I had to wait for him. I stood there, bouncing on my heels, wanting to run away and just hide from him and all his perfection. "I need to… I need to ask you about something." I squeezed my eyes shut for a second, waiting for him to ask me what the hell was wrong with me.

Then I frantically looked around, twisting my inked hands together, noticing how the courtyard was clearing out now and we were both pretty much alone.

"Yeah, sure." I tried my best to sound casual, like my heart wasn't pounding in my chest and my ears.

"Do you mind if you're a little bit late? I just… I really can't wait any longer." Josh looked sort of nervous, and maybe a little bit scared. Which of course, scared the hell out of me.

"I don't care if I'm late," I admitted. I was late to sixth period almost every single day; and Josh knew that, so why would it matter today?

"You're my best friend, Oli, you know that." Josh started. I found it very hard to breathe for those next few seconds of silence. "But my…" He sort of shook his head, and then started over, like he was having a hard time explaining what he meant.

"But my feelings are different now." He finally said, and then I started to panic because what the fuck does that even mean? Now I thought he was trying to get rid of me, maybe, like his feelings were different now because he didn't even want to be friends with me anymore.

Who could blame him?

"Oliver, please don't look so scared." Josh pleaded. "Please don't look like you want to run away."

And just for him, I tried my hardest not to look as terrified as I felt, and he continued.

"I don't know when or why I started to… feel this way but… I have feelings for-" He broke off and fell silent for a second, like what he had to say was killing him, eating him from the inside out.

And now, it dawned on me what was really happening, but instead of feeling the way I should've I just felt numb with shock.

"I like you, Oliver. I like you a lot more than just friends, more than best friends." Josh confessed, and then he sort of just dropped his hands at his sides and looked like he was bracing himself for the worst.

"Josh… you… what?" I stumbled over my words.

Here we were, standing here facing each other, best friends, now alone outside surrounding by the cold air and the truth hanging between us.

"I'm in love with you, Oli." Josh told me, speaking just as quietly but sounding surer this time. But at the same time, his voice was shaking just as badly as his hands.

"Me?" He looked like he wanted to smile as I asked, but then he just looked nervous again.

"You."

And maybe something took me over, maybe it was all the tension and the driving myself insane with him that made me do it, but I grabbed Josh's shoulders and pulled him closer to me, which wasn't so difficult because he was just barely taller than me.

An inch from his lips, I whispered:

"I love you back." And kissed him.

Josh wrapped his arms around me and I twisted my fingers in his hair. It was kind of sloppy and not so perfect, but Josh kissed back and it was perfect enough to me.

"Was this what you were afraid of?" He asked me, smiling.

"Not exactly."

And I smiled back.