Disclaimer: Hey this is just a stand alone with some random thoughts and quotes. Totally not mine. It belongs to Joss Whedon.
When All the Lies are Revealed
I stare across the room as the same question I've been asking myself since I met Riley resounds in my head. Do I love him? I keep asking a question with no answer. Wait it does have an answer I just don't want to acknowledge it.
'It's just.... you never really know what's going on inside somebody-- do you? You think if you care about them-- you know. But you never really do.'
You walk through life knowing that you're going to get hurt, but ever since the pain started the pain hasn't dulled. No the pain has just become a familiar ache to fill the emptiness inside my soul. It's sad really that the pain has become so familiar that my friends don't notice anymore. But they failed me a long time ago, when they expected me to get over him, and when they thought I had moved on when Riley came along.
'I-I can't care Angel. When I look into the future, all I can see... is you---All I want is you.'
But still I fail to answer that sinple question. And just why have I done that? I don't know. I know that every day I wake up and I put on a facade that gets me through the hell of another day, that I don't really live anymore. I walk through day after day not really taking anything in just watching from a distance, it's like I'm there, but I'm not. The routineness, the smiles, the fake happiness, that's not a way to live, hell that's not even a life. Life means you're actually living, actually alive, and I'm not alive, I'm dead inside.
'The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.'
I guess it just all comes down to that stupid question doesn't it? But what's the point of answering it? It'd just be admitting that he's gone and I'm not ready for that. I'm still waiting for him to come back and eventually he will, but until he does I'll always be waiting, just trying to get by.
'A vampire in love with a slayer. It's rather poetic.... in a maudlin sort of way.'
So am I in love with Riley? Maybe, if I were to keep lying to myself. But at the end of the day, when all the pressure's gone, Do I love Riley? No. Maybe the hardest thing in this world is to live in it, but it's even harder when you don't have a reason to live. I had a reason to live once and maybe I'll have it again, but until I do, no I don't love Riley and no I'm not okay. I'm just waiting for my reason to come back.
'I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop'
At the end of the day, when all lies are revealed and all the masks are removed I know I'm still in love with Ange, I always will be, nothing can change that. I know that I will never love Riley, the love that used to lie in the depths of my heart ignited when I was with Angel and flared and extinguished when he left. The brightest moments of my existence we're with him and when Angel left he left me in the darkness. So when all the lies are revealed, I know I'll never be over him, that I'll always be his, even if I die I will be his.
'Forever. That's the whole point.'
