** Author's Note**
Hey-yo! So I was feeling nostalgic one day- don't we all- and this plotbunny hit me after watching an episode of Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy. And it wouldn't leave me, so I tried to get someone to adopt it from me, but nobody wanted it, so it was stuck on a backburner until it boiled over and literally PREVENTED me from writing the omake for a certain series of mine. So I thought, "Hey, why don't you get C ndy c1d to draw it for you?" I asked, and she talked me down into three scenes. Which came out so beautifully, that I literally pulled this out just from inspiration of those. I love them, Acid! They are on Tumblr and will be on Deviantart soon, so check them out! So here is my first KevEdd fic ever. Reviews would be appreciated!
Now, on with this thing! (And this will be a long story, so it isn't gonna end anytime soon, don't worry.)
How to Date an Ed
Prologue
It was late one Friday night, in a sleepy cul-de-sac, where one young man was the only one awake. He had finished his essay for Monday's class hours ago; at the moment he was taking care of a natural problem for any male. Staring at the screen on his computer, slightly ashamed of the content that is flashing across the flat surface, his latex-covered hand is wrapped around his condom-covered penis, which is hard and pulsing with need.
His hand flew over his length in time with the lustful thrusts as the porno on his desktop, a soft moan escaping his lips from time to time. Not that he was worried about someone hearing him; he's been alone for a very long time. A grunt makes its way past his pink lips as he nears his climax.
It's only then when his imagination decides to take over and replace him with the bottoming male on the screen; seeing himself being pounded mercilessly by the larger male whispering naughty things into his ear. With a gasp and an arch of his back, he fills the condom with his seed. Panting slightly, he groans at the sticky feeling. He carefully peels off the condom and disposes of it in a wastebin that is labelled "filthy." He grabs a disenficting wipe from the tube beside his screen and cleans himself with it, and discards it in the same place as the condom.
He then tucks his wilted member back into his pants and zips them up. Once done, he peels off the latex glove and it too goes into the "filthy" trash can. He sighs as he gathers his materials- the box of condoms, the box of latex gloves and the tube of wipes- and places them in their correct spots. The dark haired male blushes slightly as the video ends. He exits out of the site and deletes his internet history and cookies. His blue eyes downcast, he turns away from the now shut down computer.
He can't fight it anymore. The evidence was right there. Sighing loudly. the young thin male gathers the items needed to take a shower and heads to the bathroom across the hall to his bedroom. After shutting the door, locking it, and placing the neccassary items in their correct positions, he peels off his v-neck red shirt, his skin tight dark purple jeans, matching red socks, matching purple boxer-briefs, and slowly turns to the mirror.
A slim young man stares back at him, pale skin looking luminescent in the artificial light. His torso wasn't ripped, but he wasn't pudgy either. It was... healthy. His shoulders were a little on the small side, but that was okay. He was slightly under the average height for a man his age should be.
His shoulders sloped up to an elegant neck, and his head wasn't overly large. His eyes- sky blue, and usually glinting with curiosity, were almond shaped and were shadowed- as if he had seen things that no one should ever have. His nose was a bit on the short and stubby side, but it complimented his high cheek bones and slightly weak chin. He wouldn't go as far as to say he was feminine, but he certainly wasn't the epitome of masculinity. He smiles at his reflection, the gap in his teeth showing. After adjusting his signature black beanie hat that had two white stripes down a side, he confidently says to the mirror.
"I am Eddward "Double- D" Marion Vincent. And I am a homosexual."
His reflection smiles happily back at him. A sudden weight is lifted off his shoulders. He is gay. He has been properly labelled. An exhale escapes him as his smile is slowly morphed into a frown. Oh dear. He must come out of the proverbial closet now, right? That's what all the documentaries about homosexuals have said. But they also said to take your time and do it whenever you were ready.
His frown grows deeper. But he knows as well that the longer you wait, the more miserable you become. His expression becomes worriesome; he also remembers a chart about how bullies would immediately pounce until they were bored or the victim would either move away or kill themselves. Eddward grimaces. He doesn't want to move away, nor does he wish to die. He just has to make himself too boring- or too popular- for the bullies to notice or dare.
But in order to become popular, he would either have to conform -something he would rather avoid- or gain a shield. His eyes widen at the thought. A shield... A meat shield... no, a popular shield. A popular friend? No, not enough of a commitment. He sticks his blue tongue in between the gap in his teeth as he thinks. A popular... boyfriend? He snaps his thin fingers. "Eureka."
A popular boyfriend. Genius. But the only problem is finding an already openly gay- or bisexual- male who is already at the top of the social food chain, who he would be able to coerce, or if need be, bribe into being his fake boyfriend until the statistical alloted time runs out. Which, after thinking quickly, should be about a fortnight.
So who could he possibly ask? he ponders, as he steps into the shower and turns the knobs to the proper pressure to blast comfortable hot water onto his chilled body. Ed and Eddy are obviously out of the running, much to his chagrin. While still his best friends, the Eds are still not anywhere near the popular status that Eddy so craves. Jimmy and Johnny were out of the question; one is still in high school, and the other one nobody would believe to be dating Double D. Rolf is a possibility, but he wonders if he would be able to make the son of a shepard even understand, let alone accept. He's not as pupolar as he used to be, either.
There was Nathan Goldberg, a teal-haired man who had moved into the cul-de-sac, who was openly bisexual. And while higly accepted and popular, Edd feels as if Nathan would be a bit too... grabby. His mind screeches to a halt as he washes his body with the proper body scrub and his loofa. The only one left is Kevin. And we would refuse outright and probably punch him in the nose. He stops scrubbing his left shoulder when a small voice in his head asks, "What happened to bribing? I actually do have something in exchange for his services that would be satisfactory to his preferences..."
His mental inventory list immediately then shifts to a prize he had won sophomore year of high school: an extremely rare and mint condition 1928 Coventry Eagle 980cc Flying 8 that was sitting in his garage, covered in a white sheet. His eyes spark. He can at least try asking.
With a plan forming in his mind, the young genius finishes washing, turns off the shower, dries himself with a towel, changes into comforatble pajamas, and heads to bed, eager and nervous for the next morning.
