The Uncanny Spider-Man

Chapter 1: Does Whatever a Spider Can

By

The Uncanny R-Man

Disclaimer- I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to Marvel.

Notes- This is set after 'The Uncanny New Mutants: Symbiosis' so you may need to read that before starting on this.


Peter and MJ's apartment-

Peter Parker was bored. He was suffering from being too good at his job. All of his major nemeses were locked away; he didn't even have one single lesser henchman to fight. School was out too so he couldn't even go to work. He tried to earn some extra cash by taking some photos for the Daily Bugle but there wasn't anything remotely interesting happening. That was he was chilling in his apartment with his beautiful wife.

'Y'know Tiger, you really don't have to spend your free time with me.' MJ said as she snuggled closer to her husband. 'I'm sure there must be some evilness afoot.'

'The perils of being the best at what I do I suppose.' Peter replied as he kissed the top of MJ's head.

'Don't you think Wolverine's gonna be pissed when he hears that you're ripping off his phrases?'

'I pity the fool that thinks his phrases not ripoffable.'

'That isn't even a word sweetie.'

'It is now.'

'I know something that we can do to keep ourselves occupied.' MJ purred seductively.

'You're insatiable, you know that?' Pete replied.

'I don't hear you backing down.' MJ said as she nibbled Peter's ear.

'I suppose that I can muster the energy to pleasure my wife.' Peter mock sighed.

'Good boy.' MJ replied as she straddled him and began to kiss him.

Peter was about to carry MJ into the bedroom when the sound of sirens came from outside their apartment. MJ muttered a curse and stopped kissing her husband.

'I know, evil is afoot.' She sighed. 'Go do your stuff.'

'Thanks MJ.' Peter replied as he rushed to get on his Spidey gear.

'Don't worry about me.' MJ pouted. 'I'll just be here, in the apartment, alone...'

'If you're bored, why don't you go shopping?' Peter asked from the bedroom. 'You always found that therapeutic.'

'I haven't been to Bloomie's for a fair while.' MJ replied. 'Not since it mysteriously blew up.' (1)

'Well I'm ready for the off.' Peter said as he stepped out of the bedroom in his Spidey outfit. 'Enjoy your shopping trip, 'kay?'

'Seeya later, Tiger.' MJ replied as she lifted up Peter's mask and gave him a kiss. 'Buy me something pretty.'

'Actually, I was hoping you'd buy me something pretty.' Pete replied.

'Like sexy lingerie?' MJ asked with a smirk.

'Can't blame a guy for trying.' Peter replied as he shot out a webline. 'Ta-ta!'

And that just left MJ alone in her apartment.

'Now where did Peter put that credit card?'


Connery's jewellery shop-

Spider-Man followed the sounds of the sirens to Connery's jewellery shop in the Bronx. He perched up on a roof and saw a wall blast outwards then the Shocker walked out with a bag full of miscellaneous gems and whatnot. The police tried to shoot at him but he blasted them with a vibro-wave.

'This is too easy.' He chuckled to himself as he blew up a random squad car.

'Famous last words Sparky!' Spidey replied as he swung down and planted a meaty dropkick to the Shocker's face.

'Why is it always you?' The Shocker hissed as he got up off his butt. 'Now look what you've made me do, I've dropped my stash now!'

'Let me get that for you.' Spidey replied as he shot out a webline and snagged the bag. 'Here ya go!' He said as he spun it around and smacked the Shocker upside the head with it.

'Dammit! Stop screwing around!'

'I'll stop screwing around when you stop being a loser in a quilt.' Spidey replied as he webbed the Shocker's gauntlets.

'Get this crap off me!'

'If you say so.' Spidey replied as he tugged on the webline, pulling the Shocker forward.

'I'll kill you for that!' The Shocker hissed.

'You won't be the only one to try.' Spidey replied as he flipped backwards and landed on a hotdog cart.

The Shocker just let out a yell of rage and blasted the hotdog cart, showering the surrounding area with artificial meat products and salty brine.

'Oh yeah, thanks for that.' Spidey muttered as he brushed a hotdog off his suit. 'Do you have any idea difficult it is to get rid of hotdog smell?'

'RAAAAGH!' The Shocker yelled as he tried to blast Spidey again. Spidey simply flipped up into the air and landed on top of a lamppost.

'Been taking eloquence form the Hulk I see.'

'Gonna fry yah!'

'Bored now.' Spidey yawned as he shot out a glob of webbing into the Shocker's face.

'Son of a...!' The Shocker hissed as he grabbed his face in an attempt to tear away the webbing.

'Candy gram for Mister Mongo.' Spidey said as he hefted up the now empty hotdog cart.

'What the Hell?' The Shocker said as he finally tore away the webbing form his face, just in time to see Spidey throw the hotdog cart at him. He tried to blast it but his gauntlets had been damaged in the fight. 'Aww crap...'


Later-

After the police had taken away the unconscious Shocker, Spider-Man decided that it was time to go back and check on his wife. He was presently swinging across New York on his way back to his apartment when he heard a scream.

'No rest for the wicked buff.' He muttered as he swung down to go check it out. Spidey initially thought that the scream belonged to a woman but upon landing on a nearby wall he saw that the scream had in fact come from a thief. What was unusual about it was the fact that the thief was being chased by what seemed to be a werewolf. A werewolf wearing ripped jeans, a white vest and a leather jacket.

Spidey watched as the werewolf caught up with the thief and tackled him to the ground. The thief let out yell of pain as the werewolf punched him in the face and snatched back the purse that he had stolen.

'That should teach ye never tae steal from a not so defenceless wee lassie.' The werewolf snarled as it changed back into its human form, the form of Rahne Sinclair, the leader of the Uncanny New Mutants known as Wolfsbane.

'Nice going there, Red.' Spider-Man said as he gave the young mutant a round of applause. 'I hope you don't mind if I take him off your hand.'

'Help yeself.' Wolfsbane replied with a shrug. 'I was kindae glad tae get the exercise actually.'

'I thought you X-Types usually hang around Westchester.' Spidey said as he webbed up the thief. 'Aren't you kinda out of your natural habitat?'

'Who were th' ones that took down that Toxin lass while ye were brawlin' wi' Venom?' She asked with a smug look on her face.

'Damn feminists.' Spidey muttered as he finished webbing the thief to the wall. 'Well, see you around.'

And with that, Spidey swung off to go check up on MJ.


Meanwhile-

Two cops were sitting in their squad car on a stake out. It had been a slow night as they were dozing away after a hearty meal of donuts and coffee. That was until something fell on the roof of their car.

'What the Hell?' One cop said as he got out of the car to investigate. His partner followed suit and gasped in shock at what he saw. Lying on top of the squad car was a dismembered corpse. As well as being eviscerated, the corpse also had two telltale bite marks on its neck.

Cop Number 1 was about to call for back up when he heard a hiss coming from above his head. He looked up and saw blood-red eyes leering down at him. He managed to get off two shots but they didn't do anything to deter the killer. The killer leapt down and slashed the cop's throat with his claws. The cop gave one last gurgle and fell down dead. His partner, paralysed with fear, just stood stock-still. The killer then leapt at the other cop and sunk his teeth into his neck, drinking deep form his blood. After he had finished his meal, the killer dumped the cop's body onto the floor and leapt up into the air again on the search for fresh blood...

END...

Notes-

(1)- See 'The Uncanny Couple: Volcanoes and Telepaths' for details.

Next: The return of Morbius the Living Vampire!