space captain
wrote this a year back and reading it now it could do with a lot of improvements but hey maybe someone will find it funny or maybe it's so bad it's funny.
Note there is probably 100+ spelling and general grammar mistakes but fuck it.
"Captain's log entry one: this is my first recording of my new original series of journal recordings. I seem to have crashed laded on an unidentified planet in space. While the planet has probably been discovered before and has an official name it's not known to me therefor irrelevant information. I decided to call it planet five rock as the first thing I noticed was that there was five oddly shaped rocks all next to one another.
"Captain's log entry two I just noticed there is a sixth rock so the name of the planet is now planet six rock."
" Captain's log entry three: Turns out those 'rocks' I saw were actually some type of wild creature that inhabits this planet and they have all moved out of my sight I can't really be arsed to think of another name so this is now called planet I don't care anymore"
With my very important log entries over I decided to continue with my exploration of the plant in hopes of finding settlers to aid me with fixing my ship. I'm certain anyone I may find on this planet will be more than happy to assist me for nothing in return at all, I mean c'mon they can't expect me to do shit for them like a dirty space peasant.
After a while of wandering I found a settlers space cabin out in the middle of nowhere. It was a good thing I found them as I'm running out of space cola and may have to resort to drinking water, truly a fate worse than my untimely demise.
"Captain's log I'm right outside the space cabin, all I seem to hear is the giggles and playful fighting of young college females. Aware of what is likely inside I have armed my blaster space gun for safety"
I kicked open the door rather than knocking just to be safe, even though the broken door will now put whoever is inside at risk from the creatures of this land it was worth it for my safety.
As I heroically barged my way inside I found that there was space sorority girls inside, they all looked very terrified. To demonstrate I meant them no harm I started firing widely in their general direction.
It is customary on my home planet to demand money when greeting new people. I demanded they give me all the credits while shoving my blaster in their faces hoping that they would complement me on its intricate paint job.
It seems my greeting didn't go as well as I'd thought as all the girls were completely silent.
"Please don't hurt us!" One of the very attractive girls said to me with her soft perfectly parted lips…uh-oh.
I noticed that I have become increasingly aroused while being surrounded by all these half naked sorority girls. Strange.
"Please we'll give you anything, just don't hurt us" she said.
"HAHA!" I let out a loud aggressive laugh to indicate that I found what she said humorous.
"I mean no harm and only wish to acquire some spaceship parts for my ship" I said trying to slip my other blaster into my space waistband.
"Wow you're a space captain, that's actually kinda hot" said unimportant sorority girl number one.
"Yeah I've never been with a space captain" said unimportant sorority girl number two.
It was a mystery to me what these girls were trying to hint at but I decided to let them keep talking.
"Look we don't have any space ships for you but there is something else we could do for you" Unimportant sorority girl number one moved close to me and started rubbing my extra blaster.
Intensely freighted by her sexual advances and the thought of sex with a live woman I proceeded to open fire on the girls and then I hijacked their spacecraft.
