DUNNNN DAAAAA DANANAAAA DAAAAAA dadaDUNDUN dadaDUNDUN dadaDUNDUN dadaDUNDUN

DAAAAAAA DUHHHHH DADADAAAAA DUHHHHH DADADA dadadundun dadadundun dadadun dun.

[authors note: the action takes place somewhere in book 2 or 3 or something. it continues from there becuz i am writing it my way. just read it ok, you owe it to yourself. #thuglife)

JOFFREY

MY NAME IS JOFFREY BRATHEON. I am the king of the seven kingdoms and all of the realm and i have a crown to prove it, but you knew that already. this is just a chronological of a day in the life of best most fantastic king ever. some people say things like 'omg who let him be president of the world' and 'wow what a faggot' and 'he's so beautiful and talented its not even human', but now those people don't have mouths anymore. except for the last one tho. that's ok.

Let's get to the point. i live in a big castle at king's landing and i have my own bedchambers where i totally have lots of female sexual action taking place. with me. #yolo. anyway i also have a pet dog called the hound but his real name is SANDOR CLEGANE. if you haven't heard of him you might have been killed by him. that's how he rolls. and so do heads. you know because he chopped them off. sometimes i like to brush his fur and talk in a baby voice because it makes him happy. the maids give him fancy feast twice a day. if they don't, i push them off of high places. only the best for my widdle babyyyyyy awwww who's a good boyyyyyyyy. you didn't hear that. scribe, don't write that down. did you erase it? good.

now you're reading this because you want to be as close to me as humanly possible without me having to touch you or see you or smell you (because you're probably yucky). well my loyal royal subject - wait no. well my loyal subject! read on because hAVE I GOT A SHOW FOR YOU. every morning i wake up at 12 pm. i know clocks have probably not even been invented yet, but im a really progressive guy so listen. are you listening? LISTEN TO ME. so in the afternoon - sometimes later because some intercourse with female specimens probably happened at night - i get out of my bed which is super comfortable you could die in it. not that i'm dying any time soon haha i'm still young right? wow i'm really thirsty brb.

before i get dressed the maids come in and wash my body. i don't like to do baths because that means i actually have to get up. fuck that noise. i am bathed in 80% pure vodka instead of water. laugh with me at how rich i am. did you know my grandpapa shits gold? that's why he's never around, he's really committed to enriching our lives so he's in the bathroom like 24/7. tywin lannister is a real g, and a total provider for our whole fam-damily. but this is about me and not that old sack of bones.

after my vodka bath, i like to go to the window and look at all the people eating their own children to survive. it pleases my loins. hold on that's weird shit right there. scribe, delete that. did you delete it? Good. after a good ten minutes of staring i go to the dining hall and intermingle with the people that take up space in my castle. most of them are really annoying like guy with no balls. or no dick. or both, doN'T ASK ME IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOING TO CHECK. I never even think about stuff like that so let's just move along friendo. then there's my bride princess cutie pie, Sansa Stark. i'm thinking of writing her a poem because i don't think she's feelin the joff, am i right? it's almost valentines day so i will most definitely give her something special like flowers, chocolates, or a roundhouse kick to the face. i can't decide but i know she's going to be head over heels over head over heels over head over heels in love with me. see that? that's like 3 cartwheels of pure joy.

so usually if she's at the table i flash her the old smile. a pinch of brooding, a dash of playfulness, and two cups of pure sex. add in those 'i'm going to kill you' eyes and you've got the joffrey smile down pat. pat? is it pat? just write in the right thing i don't have time for this. so after i leave her in my smouldering wake i climb the steps. you know to the iron throne because i AM KING. one thing you might not know is how i like my breakfast. every morning i like to eat on my throne but who needs plates? the throne's blades are skewered with breakfast sausage.

my mother usually comes up to me then and bla bla blA bla bLA. she tries to go over kingly duties or whatever but i'm like, listen, i'm like. mom. MOM. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. one time i even threw a buttered crumpet at her. that was a good day. sometimes I get to see my uncle too. he's almost as good looking as me and mAYbe even as good at fighting. i don't get to see him much now because he's out being held captive or planting corn or something wow you can't expect me to remember eveRY LITTLE DETAIL. i heard he won a bunch of tournaments but that was B.J - Before Joff. so who really cares?

i could talk about my OTHER uncle, Tyron or something, but he's fugly so lets not.

now that you know my family its time to get to know me a little. you heard my morning routine - this morning goes exactly like that. there's the dickless wonder eating five eclairs at once, and to his right my sweet lady love, the apple of my pie, and all that other stuff. i love pie. i don't like dry pie tho, so don't even think about it young man. so sans looks at me and then looks away probably because she can't handle my radiant visage but that's ok. Sansa will come around. and so will I. ba dum chhh. don't write that in.

"enjoying the pease pudding?" i say, flashing her the old joff smile.

"this isn't pease pudding." says sansan. there is a chicken wing on her plate. i was mistaken.

"hwhAT did you just say to me? are you saying i'm wrong?"

all the breakfast sounds go away. everyone is staring at me now as per usual. sansa is awe-strucken by my dominant swagitude.

"I only meant that …."

"yes?" i step closer to her so she can feel my breath on her face. chicks dig it.

"i only meant … that …. it's not pease pudding yet."

i stare at her. what the fuck.

"she's right you're grace," says a voice. the voice of one peter baylisp. they call him littlefinger, and that's not the only thing that's little. OHHHHHHHHHHHH.

"what" i said.

"you see the chicken wing has not begun its full transformation yet. much like it was once an egg, it will soon be pudding, the final stage of digivolution."

"oh ok."

i go to the courtyard. my sword needs polishing. i really do mean my sword tho. its name is heart eater. i made that up myself - don't ask lancel about it. i'm the one that made it up ok. there are some guys out there practicing, soldiers and knights and whatever, but none of them is gone as yours truly.

"i am HERE" i announce. of course they freeze and fall at my feet. yum yum yum. okay what.

"at ease," i say to them. they go back to fighting with their swords and i watch them … the rippling bodies …. the fierce, manly- omg no, u don't get it, i'm not- it ISN'T LIKE THAT OKAY CAN'T A MAN APPRECIATE THE ART OF FIGHTING?/? HEY. HEY. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH. CLOSE IT RIGHT NOW. GOOD.

"Your GrAce" says a voice behind me. it is my mother. "i must speak with you. come to my chambers."

"you dare order a king?" i say. mommy is a dumb ho sometimes.

"if it plz you" she adds. then she walks away. ok then mom no need to get so huffy.

i consider my options. well, i've done enough training for today. i decide to go see her. when i get there i open the doors. there she is standing in the room … her long elegant gown, the sunlight in her hair. don't be alarmed guys, i'm just being more poetic cuz this IS a novel. she is looking out a window. i guess she didn't expect me to make time 4 her so quickly. in the background i see lancel in a loincloth. don't rlly kno why but he runs away when he sees me. i decide to clear my throat because this is just #AWKZ.

"ahEM!"

"Oh Joffrey, I didn't hear the door."

"your GRACE" I correct her. women. will they ever learn?

"i have just come from a council meeting. its the starks …"

"i told you not to bother me with some eskimo shit. why do we care what they do?"

"son, we're … losing."

"what?/ what's the score?!"

"joffrey, listen. many of our men were wounded in the last battle. your uncle jaime … we have not heard a word of his condition."

"i thought he was on vacation"

"joffrey, we need more men."

"men like me?" i puff up my chest like a penguin, the most regal bird.

"no. not you. i will not have my son injured. i know it will be hard to convince you-"

"wELL OKAY I'll stay here. you've made your case."

"… ok. joffrey, my sweet, you must attend the council meetings. you must lend ur command … and on your orders, more men will march."

"yes." i say as a dramatic shadow lights my face. "i will not let the canadians win."