INSIGHT x ACTION = CHANGE

Richard Castle sat in his designated chair beside Kate Beckett's desk as she dutifully completed the paperwork from the latest case that they had cleared. Usually he would be looking longingly at her while she worked, but this day he just buried his eyes into a magazine. His presence at the precinct had been somewhat unsettling since his return this fall from finishing his latest book NAKED HEAT, and he was trying to make sure that he did not incur her wrath further by his, as she described it, "creepy stares". At this point their relationship was at best mildly strained. So many things had been said, and so many things had been left unsaid. As he flipped the pages of his magazine, his cell phone chimed.

Apologizing to Kate for the intrusion, he answered the call, "Hello."

The caller asked, "Is this Richard Castle?"

"Yes, this is Richard Castle."

Kate was not trying to eavesdrop on his conversation, but he was only three feet away from her so that became almost unavoidable. She did think it strange that he would have to identify himself to someone calling him on his cell phone.

"Mr. Castle, this is Margaret Sanchez with the California State Police Department's Public Affairs Office. Mr. Castle, are you the former husband of Meredith... I'm sorry sir the only name that I have been given is her former married name, Meredith Castle?"

"Yes ma'am, I am."

"Mr. Castle, are you also then the father and custodian of Alexis Castle, Ms. Castle's daughter?"

"Yes ma'am."

This end of the conversation was becoming quite cryptic to Kate. It seemed to her that it was almost like he was answering questions to someone's interrogation.

"Mr. Castle, I'm sorry to have to inform you that your former wife was killed this morning in a traffic accident. She and her companion were hit by a semi tractor trailer as they were heading into Los Angeles this morning. According to what the investigating officers have been able to determine, both occupants of the car were killed instantly."

Rick merely listened to what he was being told. Trying to process. Trying to determine how he would tell Alexis about her mother.

"Mr. Castle?"

"Yes, I'm here."

Now it was obvious to Kate that this was not a casual conversation. She could easily detect the hollow expression that had developed on his face and in his eyes.

"Mr. Castle, due to the fact that your former wife did not have any direct relatives in this area and that she was in the entertainment business, and would have been known to others in that industry, it is incumbent upon us to make sure that we contact any known relatives elsewhere in the country before any information is released to the media. I'm contacting you now, and I will then be directed to contact her daughter Alexis Castle. According to protocol, I probably should have contacted her direct relative, Alexis, before I called you, but seeing that according to what we have been able to discover Alexis is only sixteen years of age, I somehow didn't think that was the most appropriate way to handle this notification."

"That's very kind of you."

"Well, being a parent myself I would hate to have my child get blindsided by a call of this nature. In addition, we are aware of the fact that you are an author that has attained a great deal of fame and that you would also have a need to notify your publicity people regarding this tragedy. Mr. Castle, would you like to accept the responsibility for notifying Alexis of her mother's death?"

"Yes, I will take care of that."

"Mr. Castle, I'm deeply sorry that I had to make this call, and I feel for you and your daughter in your loss. Is there anything that I can do for you from this end?"

"Thank you. May I contact you with any other questions that I might have regarding this?"

"You most certainly can. Since I'm sure that my call would have registered on your cell phone, just use that number and ask for me. If I'm unable to assist you directly, I will refer you to the most appropriate person."

"Thank you for the manner in which you have handled this situation. I appreciate it very much. Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Mr. Castle."

Rick closed off his cell phone and placed it in his jacket pocket. His eyes never moved, but continued to stare blankly ahead of him. After only a brief moment, he rose from his chair and moved toward a window at the far end of the homicide bureau.

Kate watched as he left her desk area, but said nothing to halt his movement. She waited for a few minutes before she got out of her chair and walked to the window through which Rick continued his empty stare. She leaned against the window sill, but did not speak, waiting for him talk should he want to. Kate wasn't sure whether it was even registering with him that she had joined him. She could see that he wasn't openly crying, but his eyes were certainly glistening with tears. Had things not been so strained between them at this time in their lives, she would have wanted to hold him, but even at the best of times they had restricted themselves so much that she more likely would have just touched his arm.

In the softest of voices, he began to speak, "Meredith was killed in an automobile accident early this morning in Los Angeles. She and a companion were hit by a semi tractor trailer and were killed instantly. The California State Police were kind enough to contact me first before notifying Alexis. They are going to allow me to deal with Alexis on my own."

The shock registered on Kate's face, but Rick was so focused on not being focused that it was unlikely that he detected her reaction.

"The things that people do to one another can be quite remarkable, and quite reprehensible. Meredith may have been a lot of things, but she wasn't evil, or mean-spirited. Although not an Academy Award level actress, she did possess enough talent to have lasted for twenty years in the business. That is no easy task. She didn't deserve a tragic end. It's almost unconscionable that one has to almost reach the depths of their despair before they realize what they have done and what they do to others."

"She never said she was sorry for the affair, or for leaving me for her director. Alexis would have been a burden to her at that time, and possibly something she could not have coped with even if she had still wanted me around. I never said anything about it, nor did I hold it against her. She would waltz into my life every year or so and sometimes virtually attack me sexually. As I think about it, perhaps that was her way of saying she was sorry. Marathon shopping trips may have been the metaphor for dealing with Alexis. I should have realized. I should have done better. I should have said the words of forgiveness to her to release her from any guilt... I guess I'm a bastard in more ways than one."

Turning to look directly at Kate, Rick continued, "Kate, I'm going to say some things that you don't want to hear from me, but they're things that I feel that I must say. A psychologist friend of mine once told me that he always reminds his patients that 'Insight x Action = Change'. As I said before, it's awful that it takes a tragedy to make you face the truth about your life and the people in your life. That 'Insight' has been forced upon me. If I am to be a better person for Alexis in her future, I have to be willing to take the 'Action' to allow me to 'Change'."

"We aren't in a very good place right now, and it is killing me. I have made a great many mistakes in our time together, and I'm so very sorry for them. I started on the path to loving you when you whispered "You have no idea" in my ear. That path has led to our standing here today, and my love for you has grown to the point of almost consuming me. I'm sorry, I know that you don't want to hear that from me, and that your feelings are for another, but I cannot begin to assure that I am worthy of being a solid human being for Alexis' future, if I am so insecure that I can't express what is in my heart. Maybe it makes it easier for me to tell you that I love you, when I know that it has no meaning to you, and that not only do you not want me, you want anyone but me. I truly wish I could have done a better job in showing you how much you meant to me, and mean to me."

"I should have followed my original instincts and not returned to the precinct. The anger that I faced upon walking back in here unfortunately at this very moment reminds me of the last second feeling that Meredith might have experienced when the truck struck their car, 'Where did that come from'. You knew why I left for the summer and I assumed that the others would have become aware of that as well, if not on their own but surely from you assuaging any misgivings that they may harbor about me. But none of that took place. So I am willing to take my responsibility for any hurt that you may have been caused. I can assure you that it was the last thing that I thought I was capable of inflicting. All I wanted was for you to be happy and to not feel awkward... I guess that is not full disclosure. I apologize. As much as I loved you and wanted you to want me, I couldn't watch anymore. I had to get out. As you have said to me, it's none of my business what you do with your life, or who you do it with. Believe me there is no one more aware of that than me. Whoever becomes your 'one and done' will be the luckiest man on earth. You are the love of my life Kate, and that will never end until I do."

The tears that had filled his eyes slowly began to cascade down his cheeks. His expression never changed, but his eyes never left hers. Almost mirroring his image, tears drifted from Kate's eyes.

"I need to go home and deal with all of this with Alexis before the news hits the wire services. She, Mother and I will be leaving for California probably by tomorrow. I'm not sure how long we will be gone, nor am I sure how Alexis will react to all of this upon our return. This time I will call while I'm gone to make sure that all of you are well. Please take care of yourself, Kate. Be safe."

With that, Rick moved toward the stairs and left the bureau. Kate placed her arms across her chest and virtually squeezed herself into a hug. Just as silently as Rick had, the tears began to flow more rapidly, the words from his lips reverberating in her mind.

Lanie had been visiting Esposito, and along with Ryan they noticed Rick leaving the bullpen through the stairwell door. When they turned to see if Kate was still within the unit, they saw her leaning against the window sill at the other end of the room. When it appeared to them that she was crying, all three moved to join her.

Lanie spoke first, "Kate?"

"It's alright, Lanie. I'm okay."

Esposito quickly interjected, "What did that bastard do this time?"

Fire quickly flashed in Kate's eyes, "DON'T LET ME HEAR YOU USE THAT WORD REGARDING HIM EVER AGAIN! EVER!"

Esposito stammered, "Uh, I'm...I'm sorry, I just thought that he walked out on you again."

Insight x Action = Change

"He has never walked out on me, and he never walked out on you. He didn't know that I had broken up with Tom, and I didn't tell you that I had lied to him and told him that the situation that had developed between us had become awkward. With the manner in which I had dealt with him over these many months, there was no way that he could have imagined that I was about to tell him that I wanted to go away with him and take a chance on seeing if we could develop a relationship beyond just being friends. He was trying to be a friend to me by leaving and allowing me to be happy. Your words to me back then finally made me realize how fucking stupid I had been with regard to how much I meant to him. Things just spiraled out of control after that, and I failed to stop you all from coming to false conclusions. He wouldn't even seek retribution for my actions, but instead apologized for any hurt that he might have caused. He didn't walk out on me then, and today he walked out to go tell his daughter that her mother had been killed in an automobile accident."