Rukia.
The sun sank low, I walked through the barracks of squad 13 with my head held high. I was one of the many honorable soul reapers to go through and help during the Winter War. I had every reason to be proud. I had defeated many strong enemies which included an Espada and help rescued my friend Orihime Inoue. I had even heard the rumors going around in my squad about Captain Ukitake wanting to promote me to lieutenant level.
It had been two months since I had said my good-byes in the World of the Living and returned back to the Soul Society. It was hard to get used to the way how things were before… everything, but I was almost sure I was back to my normal activities.
I just returned from making my daily rounds and I was pleasantly surprised how many squad members still stopped me to congratulate me on my performance in Hueco Mundo. As I reached my own room, a feeling of loneliness crept into the confinement of my chest. My old room seemed more foreign then I had ever remembered.
I set down Sode no Shirayuki by my bed and sat down on my quilt inhabiting the floor. The loneliness in my chest was now washing through my whole body. I silently cursed myself for thinking about a subject I'd been suppressing since I'd returned. I tried desperately not to think about it but I couldn't control the words rotating my mind.
I missed it.
I missed my old room back in the World of the Living.
I missed the school.
I missed the people I had met there.
I missed my close friends I had made, Chad, Uryu, and Orihime.
I missed Mr. Kurosaki along with his young daughters Yuzu and Karin.
I even missed Kon and his annoying, perverted habits.
I missed Karakura Town.
…But the one that pulled at my heart the most, the very person that made my soul ache with sorrow and sadness, and the man I missed the most out of everything…
"Ichigo…" His bright orange hair, tan skin, soft brown eyes, dazzling smile and valiant nature flashed through my mind. Sharp pains arose around where my heart was. The dark room became disoriented as tears leapt into my eyes.
I had be very excellent about keeping my emotions down, I didn't want such an overwhelming feeling to ever be shown but I couldn't do anything as it started to pour out.
Where was he? How was he feeling? Was I really never going to see him again? Why did it have to be this way? Was he really okay with losing his powers? Why did it have to be this way? Was he thinking of me? Did he miss me like I yearned for him? WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?
Tears came streaming down my face gathering quickly at my chin before dropping into my lap. My breath was hitching and coming in more shallowly.
"This is farewell, Ichigo."
I don't want it to be over.
"Seems so."
I wish I could stay.
"What? Don't look so sad. Even if you can no longer see me, I can still see you."
I'm trying to reassure you and make us both feel better. I'm the one trying to keep my face.
"What? That doesn't make me happy at all! And I wasn't making a sad face, either!"
Maybe you're trying to cover up your sadness too?
"...Tell everyone I give them my best."
They're all going to miss you…
"Okay."
…But none more then I.
"Bye, Rukia… Thank you."
You're welcome… you fool.
I choked out a sob as my arms clutched to my sides. I shook as all the feeling I had been storing up for a month came rushing out. Small whimpers and cries slipped out of my mouth, making me sound just about as pitiful as I looked. I hoped that anyone with decent hearing wouldn't be passing by as I wept.
Why did he have to make me feel this way? Why did I have to remember all the memories we went through? Why did he have to be so important to me? Why did I have to miss him so much?
I tried to shut myself down by thinking that he can now go back to his normal life. How he won't ever have to risk his life anymore. How he'll be safer. How he'll be able to settle down with someone he loves, maybe someone like Orihime. But this only makes me feel worse, causing me to cry harder, my head throbbing due to lack of oxygen.
…Eventually I was able to lie down and halt my tears, but I felt cold and empty. Much to my infuriation towards myself, I felt as though part of me was dying.
It was in that moment that I realized that I loved him.
Which shattered me even more.
I stood motionless in front of my whole squad along with my few friends, as Captain Ukitake presented me with squad thirteen lieutenant's badge. I could make out Renji, my brother, and even Hanataro in the crowd.
"Here you are Ms. Rukia Kuchiki, I present you with the badge of second in command. You will perform your duties when you are needed to at any given time with little or no questions?"
I forced myself to smile and bow. "Yes, sir."
As I sat down in Kaien's old office after getting settled in, I let my mask of normality drop into my dead looking facial expression. Ever since my break down in my room, a numb feeling overpowered all of my other moods. I understood if I even thought about him again, even a little bit, I would have to go through that frightful experience all over again.
"I guess…" I whispered out loud looking up out the window into the great blue of the sky. "…I'll survive like this."
