What could Kevin say about Elder Connor McKinley's eyes? Well, when he thought about it, a lot of things, none of them particularly heterosexual sounding. They were beautiful. They were the kind of eyes that sort of hit you in the face with how bright and colourful they were. There were no words in any vocabulary to describe how amazing that blue was, or how they sparkled. Nor were there words to explain how Kevin's heart became light and started bounding whenever he looked at those eyes. Elder McKinley's eyes just seemed so fantastic that they must have been something out of a fairytale; they looked as though they should have belonged to a princess.
There was a lot more that Kevin could have said about Elder McKinley's eyes, and his smile and his hair and practically every part of him, but before he got that far he would give himself a mental slap. No, he thought, I am a Mormon, and Mormons don't have gay thoughts about other Mormons, even if those Mormons are extremely handsome.
Not that this did him any good because he would still think about how wonderful Elder McKinley's eyes were.
Sometimes, however, there were times when he wished that they didn't sparkle so much, because those were the times that Elder McKinley had been crying. Not that the district leader knew that Kevin was aware of his tearful episodes, but he was. He was sure that it was something to do with the gay thoughts Elder McKinley was always trying to turn off. Kevin didn't think that this was very healthy, and he actually started to resent Elder McKinley for it because he was making himself unhappy, and Kevin didn't like it when he was unhappy. When he was unhappy, his eyes lost a little bit of their usual hope and joy, which made Kevin sad.
Kevin would have given anything in the whole world to make Elder McKinley happy.
Which rather worried him. He wasn't supposed to have those type of thoughts about another boy. He was supposed to have those thoughts about a nice Mormon girl whom he would have a happy family with back in Salt Lake. The problem was, whenever he thought about this it made him feel a little sick. He didn't want to have a happy family with some girl who he didn't care about as much as Elder McKinley. Maybe he did want a happy family, he wasn't really sure, but he couldn't imagine one without Elder McKinley in it.
But, it didn't seem like a bad thing.
Well, that wasn't strictly true, and Kevin spent a lot of time angsting about it, but to be honest, Elder McKinley made Kevin happy, and Kevin couldn't imagine Elder McKinley being in any way sinful. He was perfect in Kevin's eyes; he couldn't do anything wrong. Apart from maybe being too perfect. So maybe the whole being gay thing wasn't such a bad thing, even if everyone said it was. And maybe Elder McKinley was wrong about having to turn it off.
There was another problem: Kevin had always thought that having gay thoughts was okay, if not a little worrying, so long as you didn't act upon them. The thing was, Kevin was starting to really want to act on those gay thoughts. Every time Elder McKinley would cross his legs or put his hands on his hips or start dancing, Kevin would have to try very hard to push the things he wanted to do to the back of his mind for fear of Elder McKinley seeing him blushing. And, yeah, maybe having gay thoughts wasn't too bad, but having sex with Elder McKinley wasn't ... It wasn't what Mormons did. It was improper, it was distracting from the mission, it was ... actually starting to sound like a pretty tempting thing to do.
Come to think of it, what was wrong with being gay? From what Kevin could see, it didn't seem to make Elder McKinley any worse of a person. In fact, he was one of the nicest people Kevin knew. And what did it matter if he liked guys instead of girls? There were plenty of people who had much worse things that they liked. And it was part of who he was, it wasn't something he'd chosen. And how could something that was part of such a wonderful person be wrong? Kevin was seriously starting to doubt whether half of what he'd learnt from his religion about what was right and wrong was even worth listening to. Maybe it was time he started forming his own ideas about these things.
Regardless of whatever Kevin's inner thoughts were, whether he was happy to have a frankly enormous crush on Elder McKinley or not - and he was slowly coming round to the idea - those two blue jewels that were the red-head's eyes were maddeningly beautiful. It was like they'd been specifically designed to drive Kevin's heart crazy, and it was starting to piss him off.
So Kevin lived with his crush on Elder McKinley without any action. But each time he looked into the other Elder's eyes, he became just that little bit closer to telling him how he felt. And it took a while to be okay with the idea that he was bisexual - he had dated girls before - but Kevin actually took it pretty well when he realised. Maybe from knowing someone as amazing as Elder McKinley he'd subconsciously realised that it didn't make him a failure or a horrible person. It just made him ... well, him. But what was not okay was the way that Elder McKinley would insist on staring at Kevin with those big, gorgeous blue eyes that made Kevin want to kiss him.
Which was what happened eventually.
Kevin was in the kitchen, minding his own business and doing nothing in particular. He liked doing nothing in particular because it made him peaceful, particularly since he had such a lively mission companion. He was drinking coffee, as was per usual now, and not really thinking about anything very much.
Then he heard clicking.
Well, sort of. He heard the familiar sound of tap shoes approaching, and he looked up to find Elder McKinley wandering in, humming to himself. He smiled at Kevin, his eyes - those god damn magnificent eyes - twinkling in the light.
He'd come out recently. It was good, Kevin thought, that he had accepted himself after so much self-hatred. Still, he seemed reluctant to talk about his feelings still. It was as though he still felt guilty. It irritated Kevin, because no matter how hard he tried to make Elder McKinley happy, the district leader was still sad.
They needed to fix that.
Kevin didn't say anything when Elder McKinley came in. He just sipped his coffee, mainly because he didn't know what to say. Also, from the noise coming from Elder McKinley's shoes, he was busy with tap practise and probably didn't have time for conversation.
At least, he thought that until Elder McKinley came and sat down opposite him.
He looked up at the district leader in slight confusion, and he smiled back, eyes still looking unfairly beautiful.
"Hey, Elder McKinley." Kevin greeted him, leaning back in his chair and raising his eyebrow a little way.
"Hi, Elder Price." Elder McKinley replied quietly, and Kevin instantly picked up the sadness in his voice.
"What's wrong?" he asked, becoming concerned that his friend was upset.
"Oh, nothing." Elder McKinley shook his head in a way that clearly said that something was wrong. Kevin rolled his eyes slightly at Elder McKinley's stubbornness.
"Elder McKinley, you're a terrible liar." he told him, and the other boy smiled slightly. "Come on, you wouldn't have interrupted your tap practise if there wasn't something bothering you. It's obvious that you want to talk, even though you've made a poor choice of who you talk to."
Elder McKinley laughed a little bit, shifting awkwardly in his seat and looking down at his feet.
"Well," he admitted, "maybe I have been feeling a bit down recently."
"So stop sulking and talk about it." Kevin smiled, trying to make Elder McKinley feel better. It didn't seem to work very well, though, because he just looked even more upset.
Shit.
"You know you can talk to me, as useless as I am." he tried again, and this time Elder McKinley looked up at him and half-smiled.
"It's just..." he started, then faultered, and looked away again, hiding his face with a hand. Kevin knew that he'd started crying. He always knew when Elder McKinley was crying, mostly because he didn't cry very quietly. It wasn't like he wept as loudly as Elder Cunningham did, but he did make noise.
"Hey, come on." Kevin said, unsure what to do about the crying Elder in front of him and taking his other hand tentatively in his, causing Elder McKinley to look up through now slightly red eyes. "I'm here for you. You can tell me anything."
Elder McKinley stared at him, and almost smiled again.
"I've just ... I've been meaning to write to my parents and tell them ... well, you know. But every time I try to put pen to paper I just remember everything they've ever said about how being gay is bad, and then I start thinking about how people used to make fun of me at school."
"People made fun of you at school?" Kevin asked having never heard this information before.
"Of course they did." Elder McKinley replied as though it was obvious, and Kevin's heart broke a little bit. "Only a few people realised that I was gay - Steve's friends mostly - and they'd call me ... horrible things. Most people made fun of me for my dancing, and being ginger, of course."
"That's horrible!" Kevin cried, and Elder McKinley looked at him in slight surprise.
"That's life." he shrugged.
"No, that's not life, Elder, that's cruelty. I don't understand why you take that."
"Because I'm used to it." he said sadly.
"Please don't say that." Kevin begged. "I don't like seeing you so unhappy."
"Well, that's nice of you to say, Kevin," Elder McKinley laughed, "but -"
"Hey, you called me Kevin."
It had been so unexpected to both of them, and Elder McKinley looked quite embarrassed. Kevin just smiled. He was rather pleased.
"Sorry." Elder McKinley apologised. "I didn't mean to. It just slipped out."
"It's alright." Kevin smiled. "Connor." he added.
Elder McKinley looked up at him in surprise, his eyes glistening from his tears. Kevin bit the inside of his lip, hoping that Connor wouldn't notice. Those freaking eyes - they were going to kill him.
"Elder Price, we're not allowed to call each other by our first names." the district leader reminded him.
"Yeah, there's a lot of things we're not allowed to do, and yet here I am drinking coffee." Kevin retorted. Elder McKinley gave him a smile, and looked up again, blushing. Those eyes! Duchess had nothing on Connor - his eyes really were sapphires!
Kevin couldn't take it any longer.
"Connor, I'm sorry, I can't do it anymore." he sighed.
"Do what?" Connor asked as he stood up and crossed over to him. "What are you -"
He didn't finished because Kevin's lips were against his before he could continue. Kevin could tell he was surprised because he didn't kiss back, but that didn't stop him. Connor's lips were soft and inviting and just too good not to kiss.
Kevin pulled away and stood up straighter. Connor widened his eyes at him and blushed furiously.
"K-Kevin ..." he stuttered. "Y-you just ..."
"I know." Kevin acknowledged. "I'm sorry. It's just ... Your god-damn eyes, Connor. They're so ridiculously beautiful, I can't ... Sorry."
He sat back down again and sighed. Connor was still staring at him in shock, and Kevin realised that he might have done something stupid.
"Kevin ..." Connor almost whispered.
"Oh, Christ, that was a stupid thing to do, wasn't it?" Kevin said quietly. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that."
"You kissed me."
"I'm sorry, I should have asked you first. Hell, I should have talked to you about my feelings first because that would have been a big help for both of us, but -"
"Kevin, you kissed me!" Connor said excitedly, and Kevin looked up at him at this sudden change of tone. He no longer looked sad; he was smiling. He looked positively joyous.
"I -"
"You kissed me!" he said again, starting to shake rather worryingly, though it looked as though it was in an excited way.
"Okay, we can get that fact out of the way now." Kevin smiled. Connor leapt out of his seat, and Kevin raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing? Oh, you're coming over here. Oh, okay, you're -"
This time, Connor kissed him before he could finish. And this time they were kissing each other, and it was wonderful. Although Kevin wasn't sure whether Connor was going to feel as excited about it afterwards - since his guilt did seem to relapse occasionally - it was an enjoyable experience nonetheless. The older boy ran a hand through Kevin's brunette hair, finding his way into his lap. It seemed he was rather brave about the whole gay feelings thing all of a sudden. Was that something Kevin had done, or was he just caught up in the moment? Either way, they both seemed to be having a nice time.
When Connor pulled away from Kevin, Kevin stared at him in mild surprise, looking into his now ecstatically happy eyes.
"Okay." he said as Connor dangled his feet over Kevin's legs. "That was unexpected. I thought you would freak out."
"Well, I did a bit." Connor considered. "But then I just got overwhelmed by the fact that you actually kissed me. I didn't know you liked me."
"I guess I'm just bad with my feelings." Kevin shrugged as Connor played with his tie.
"Do you really think my eyes are beautiful?" Connor asked him.
"Very much so." he replied with a grin. "They're like sapphires."
"Are you referencing 'The Aristocats' at me?"
"You got that reference?" Kevin asked happily.
"Of course I did." Conner replied.
"Well, I'm sold: you must be my soulmate." Kevin teased, and the other boy blushed happily.
"Now what?" he asked curiously.
"What do you mean now what?" Kevin responded.
"I can't help but feel like we should talk about this."
"Yeah, we should." Kevin nodded. "But I'm gonna kiss you again first."
"Not a problem."
