This story follows my previous stories, "Madoka Gets Stoned," "Kagami Gets Stoned," "Tomoko Gets Stoned," and "The Stoning of Haruhi Suzumiya." Therefore, in this continuity, Madoka x Homura, Konata x Kagami, and Haruhi x Kyon are all canon. In addition, they are all stoners. Lastly, in this continuity, Rebellion is non-canon, but Devil Homura will be making an appearance in a brand new way! Enjoy.
Muhammad Sulaiman Rashid
The New SOS Brigade! Madoka, Konata, Tomoko, Unite!
Kyon, Koizumi, Nagato, and Mikuru were sitting at the same park they always did, discussing their futures at Yokai University.
"Now that you're Miss Suzumiya's boyfriend, I'll be taking a less active role in the Brigade," said Koizumi. "My organization feels that now that she's dating you, Miss Suzumiya shouldn't be so moody. I can't imagine why though, since you're always so angry."
"Koizumi has definitely grown to resent me, hasn't he?" thought Kyon.
"I'm only kidding of course," said Koizumi. "I imagine it's the same for Miss Asahina and Miss Nagato, too."
Nagato nodded. "My superiors want me to monitor a different subject now. But in the case of an emergency, you can call me."
"There's also something else we need to discuss," said Koizumi. "Kyon, Miss Suzumiya has become very popular."
"What? Because of the SOS Brigade?" asked Kyon.
"Yes and no," said Koizumi. "Do you remember how I told you that there are many different groups vying for control of Miss Suzumiya's powers?"
"Yeah," said Kyon.
"Well, in addition to my group, Miss Asahina's, and Miss Nagato's, there is a fourth one that's been watching her, too," said Koizumi. "But their goals have been more passive. They've been recording Miss Suzumiya and turning our lives into a reality show."
"A reality show!?" said Kyon. "You mean to tell me some creeps have been watching our every move?"
"That's right," said Koizumi. "In fact, we're all very popular. Especially Miss Suzumiya and Miss Nagato."
"Really? Do I have fans?" asked Kyon.
"Oh no, nobody likes you," said Koizumi. "I'm only kidding, of course."
"I can't wait until I never have to see this guy again," thought Kyon. "But wait," he said. "If we're on TV, how come I've never seen it? What if Haruhi sees it? Isn't that dangerous?"
"The existence of the show is a closely guarded secret," said Koizumi. "They have people behind the scenes to make sure she doesn't find out. But yes, the show is very dangerous. Especially in an age where everything is so connected."
"We tried to shut them down," said Mikuru. "But they were just too powerful."
"Why didn't you tell me any of this before?" asked Kyon.
"Probably because it's classified information," said Mikuru.
"Also, you never asked," said Nagato.
"If we told you, would that have changed anything?" asked Koizumi.
"I guess not," said Kyon. "But I at least wouldn't have spent so much time looking at pictures I took of Miss Asahina," he thought. "So why are you telling me this now?" he asked.
"Because," said Koizumi. "Now that we're in college, we'll be in contact with thousands of students, from all across the country. Some of them will undoubtedly be fans of Miss Suzumiya's TV show. You can't let them tell her that she's the god of this universe."
"What a nightmare," said Kyon. "Is that all?"
"There's just one last thing we have to tell you," said Koizumi. "Kyon, it's very likely that Miss Suzumiya will continue the SOS Brigade. It's up to you to keep the new members in the loop."
"You mean I have to rope new people into this nonsense!?" asked Kyon.
"That's right," said Koizumi, smiling. "Good luck!"
"Bye, Kyon!" said Mikuru, hugging him.
Kyon cried on the inside. "Oh, this sweet smell," he thought. "Miss Asahina, save me from this life of commitment."
Nagato bowed her head, and they all left.
Kyon sighed.
"I'm supposed to be her boyfriend, but I feel more like her babysitter," thought Kyon. "I wish at least Nagato stayed behind. Her powers could have come in handy. What did she mean by 'monitoring other subjects,' anyway? Are there other gods out there too? No way. There's barely enough room in this world for just one Haruhi."
Kyon's phone rang.
"Kyon, where are you!?" said Haruhi. "We're supposed to be going on a date!"
"That's not for another couple of hours," said Kyon.
"Well, I want to see you now!" said Haruhi. "Come over. Bye!"
Kyon got on his bike and left.
"I hope she doesn't get too bent out of shape over the news," he thought.
Kyon knocked on the door and Haruhi let him in. She was wearing a t-shirt and shorts.
"Well!?" said Haruhi.
"Huh?" said Kyon.
"Aren't you gonna kiss me?" asked Haruhi. "I'm your girlfriend now. You're supposed to kiss your girlfriend when you meet her."
"R-Really?" thought Kyon. "Well… okay."
He leaned in, but Haruhi blocked his face with her hand.
"Ugh, you're breathing all funny," said Haruhi. "Here, let me fix it."
She pinched his nose and stuck her tongue in. Kyon struggled to breathe.
"Hmm, not bad," said Haruhi. "But we're gonna have to work on it."
Kyon rubbed his nose. "Breathing is natural," he said. "In fact, some people enjoy it. Anyway, didn't you want to go out? You're not even dressed."
"I changed my mind," said Haruhi.
"Of course," thought Kyon. "Typical Haruhi."
"I just wanted to spend time with you at home," said Haruhi. "That's not a crime, is it?"
"Huh?" thought Kyon. "Is she reading my mind again?"
Kyon and Haruhi sat down on the couch.
"Well Haruhi, I've got some news for you," said Kyon.
"Really? Good news, or bad news?" asked Haruhi.
"News. Just news," said Kyon. "It's about Koizumi and the gang… they're still going to be part of the SOS Brigade, but they won't be around as often."
"Huh? Why's that?" asked Haruhi.
"They… want to focus on school for a while," said Kyon.
"What? You can focus on school while being in clubs," said Haruhi. "I used to do it all the time."
"Yeah, well, not everyone is as talented as you are," said Kyon.
Haruhi sighed. Kyon put his hand on her shoulder.
"Hey, don't worry about it," said Kyon. "I'll help you find some new members. I promised, right?"
"Yeah, I know," said Haruhi.
Kyon held her. "In college, there's tons of more people. We'll put up posters. They'll come, you'll see."
Haruhi smiled. "Oh Kyon, you're so silly…" she said. "I'm not going to put up any posters. You are."
The next week, after school, Haruhi and Kyon waited in an empty classroom for new members to show up. Haruhi scrawled "The SOS Brigade" on the chalkboard. Kyon yawned. And then a blue-haired girl slammed the door open.
"Is this the SOS Brigade!?" asked Konata.
"That's right!" said Haruhi. "Why don't you just take a seat while we wait for everyone to get here?"
"Whatever you say, Master Haruhi," she said.
"Wow, Kyon, where did you find this girl? She's great!" said Haruhi.
"I didn't find her anywhere," said Kyon. "She just showed up, obviously."
"Don't be so modest," said Haruhi.
"But still, how does she know Haruhi's name?" thought Kyon. "Is she one of the fangirls Koizumi warned me about?"
A pink-haired girl entered the room.
"Hi, is this the SOS Brigade?" asked Madoka. "This club is about spirits, right?"
"Not just spirits!" said Haruhi. "Aliens, ESPers, time travelers, and all sorts of things!"
"Great!" said Madoka. "So… What are we doing?"
"I'll tell you in a bit. Just sit tight while we wait for everyone to get here, okay?" said Haruhi.
But they waited for ten minutes. No one else came.
"Is this it? Wow, Kyon, you totally blew it," said Haruhi.
"It's not my fault if people don't decide to show up!" said Kyon.
"Well anyway, let's introduce ourselves!" said Haruhi. "I'm Haruhi Suzumiya! I'm the founder and Brigade Leader. As you can tell, I love the supernatural. This is Kyon. He's my boyfriend. He's nothing special, but he does all the work, so I can't complain."
"I can introduce myself," thought Kyon.
"Kyon? What does that name mean?" asked Madoka.
"Oh, that's not his real name," said Haruhi. "Kyon is just a nickname. His real name is –
The door opened and a girl with frizzy black hair entered.
"You're late, newbie!" said Haruhi. "I'm going to have to give you a penalty."
"She's just as amazing as she is on TV," thought Tomoko.
"Don't just stand there," said Haruhi. "Go take a seat."
"S-Sure," said Tomoko.
"Mokocchi!" said Konata. "Over here!"
Tomoko smiled and took a seat.
"Anyway, I forgot what I was saying," said Haruhi. "But you, the bluenette. What's your name?"
"I'm Konata Izumi," she said. "I'm a gamer and otaku."
"I didn't ask for your life story," said Haruhi.
"Actually, I want to hear it," said Kyon.
Haruhi glared at him.
"You're going to drive them off if you pick on them," whispered Kyon.
"What's this? A lover's quarrel?" said Konata to Tomoko.
Tomoko giggled.
"Fine," said Haruhi. "So tell me, why did you join the SOS Brigade?"
"Because my favorite show is the Melancholy of Haruhi—
"Shut up!" said Kyon.
Everyone was stunned.
"Excuse me," said Kyon. "I have Tourette's."
"You better have a good explanation for this," whispered Haruhi.
"Don't worry!" said Konata, waving her hand. "I get it."
"You, with the pink hair. What's your name?" asked Haruhi.
"I'm Madoka Kaname," she said. "My interests include… drawing and chemistry, I guess. I joined this club because my girlf—I mean, my best friend said I should make new friends. I think spirits are interesting."
"Did you catch that?" whispered Konata to Tomoko.
"A secret shame," said Tomoko.
"And you, newbie?" asked Haruhi.
Tomoko froze. "M-Me?"
"Well duh," said Haruhi. "You're the only one left."
Tomoko stuttered. "M-My name is… T…"
"Huh? I can't hear you. Speak up!" said Haruhi.
"Her name is Tomoko Kuroki," said Konata. "She's an otaku like me. Right, Mokocchi?"
Tomoko nodded.
"Hmm… kind of a different crowd from last time," said Haruhi. "Well, now that that's all wrapped up, let's get on with our first mission! Actually, wait. I have to go to the bathroom."
Haruhi left. Kyon took his chance.
"Okay everybody, listen up," said Kyon. "Izumi, I'm sorry I told you to shut up. But I had a good reason. I know what I'm about to say will be hard to believe, but Haruhi is a god."
"I know," said Konata.
"Yeah," said Tomoko.
"A… god?" thought Madoka. "Like me?"
"They accepted it so easily?" thought Kyon. "You would figure people would be more skeptical of the things they see on TV."
"You need us all to keep Haruhi from learning the truth, right?" asked Konata.
"Yes, exactly," said Kyon. "Haruhi is moody, and her mood swings control the reality of this universe. If she were to find out she was a god… I don't even want to think about how she might change things."
"Umm, Kyon," said Madoka. "I haven't seen Miss Suzumiya's TV show, so I'm not sure what she's like. But if things get bad… she's not the only one who's a god. I don't know how much help I'll be, but I can try to protect everyone."
"What?" said Kyon. "You mean to tell me that you're a god too?"
Madoka smiled and nodded. "Well, that's what my friends call me. The truth is, I'm a magical girl."
"Like Sailor Moon!?" asked Konata.
"Or Utena?" thought Tomoko.
"You've got to be kidding me," said Kyon. "So you're a god. And let me guess. Izumi is a really a time traveler, and Kuroki is an ESPer, am I right?"
"I wish," thought Tomoko. "Maybe then I could figure out how to be popular."
"No, it's true!" said Madoka. "Watch!"
She wiggled her finger, and began glowing pink. In a flash of light, she was wearing a white flowing dress.
"So pretty!" said Konata.
"Now I want to be a magical girl too," thought Tomoko.
Madoka wiggled her finger again and returned to normal.
"I can't believe it," said Kyon. "Well, I guess this should make things easier since Nagato isn't around."
"Just where is Yuki, anyway?" asked Konata.
"She's off monitoring some other subject," said Kyon. "Or at least that's what she told me. I have no clue what she's doing."
"Another subject?" said Konata. "Could it be another god? Just how many gods are there, anyway? Do you know, Miss Kaname?"
"You can call me Madoka," she said. "And no, I have no idea. Up until now, I thought I was the only one."
Haruhi opened the door.
"Alright everybody, I brought the costumes!" said Haruhi, carrying a bag. "Let's dress up, okay? We're going to go get more members!"
"That sounds like fun," said Madoka. "What kind of outfits will we be wearing?"
"These!" Haruhi pulled out a red bunny girl outfit.
Madoka blushed. "I-I'm not sure if I can wear that…" she said.
"Well, I have only have two," said Haruhi. "One is for me, obviously. But… who should wear the second one? I know! How about you, Konata?"
"I'm already one step ahead of you," said Konata. She pulled out a blue bunny girl costume from her backpack.
"Wow, now that's dedication!" said Haruhi.
"More like obsession," thought Kyon.
"Well, it looks like you're going to have to wear the other one, Madoka," said Haruhi.
"W-What?" whimpered Madoka. "But I don't want to."
"Let Mokocchi do it, Master Haruhi!" said Konata.
"Huh? But her hair's all frizzy and she's got bags under her eyes," said Haruhi. "She's gonna scare people away, not reel them in."
"Haruhi…" said Kyon.
"What?" said Haruhi. "I just don't think it's a good idea, that's all."
"Konata… I don't want to do this," whispered Tomoko. "I'm scared."
"Don't be!" said Konata. "If you do what Haruhi tells you to, you'll be popular for sure!"
"Really?" asked Tomoko.
"Yeah!" said Konata. "Master Haruhi, I think Mokocchi would be a great fit! Her hair can be tamed, and her bags aren't anything a little makeup won't fix. She's got lolicon appeal, trust me!"
"Doesn't that apply to all of them?" thought Kyon. "What kind of people are we trying to recruit, anyway?"
"Well, alright," said Haruhi. "Okay Kyon, time for you to get out!"
Kyon sighed and walked out the door.
"Wait, I'll come too," said Madoka.
Haruhi began to take off Tomoko's clothes. "Hmm… you won't fill it out as much as Mikuru did, but you should be fine. We'll do your makeup afterward."
"I'm going to wear Mikuru's legendary bunny girl outfit," thought Tomoko. "And Haruhi is going to give me a makeover. This is the happiest day of my life."
That's it for Chapter Brown! I've decided to do this story in chapters to gauge feedback and suggestions, and also because of school. Because this is a work in progress, feel free to throw any ideas you have my way. I have a general outline, but am open to making adjustments.
