A/N: I know, I know, another new story. But this one has multiple chapters already finished so updates should be frequent and I will still have plenty of time to update my other two stories.

So this story is completely AU. It's a little bit of two stories in one, to be honest. I've been working on it for nearly 5 months and have been too nervous to post it but recently got some encouragement from a friend, and well here I am. It's different than anything I have written so far, so I hope you all still enjoy it.

An update to my other story 'After The Smoke Clears' will be up tomorrow, and 'Headlong Towards Disaster' has already been updated for those that follow my stories.

Really nervous about this one, so please leave a review and let me know if I should continue.

Dedicating this first chapter to my best friend, Atalia, for giving me the courage to post this one. Hope you all like it!

Bold and italics are song lyrics. Regular text is current time. Italics are flashbacks. WARNING some M rated moments.

Chapter 1: Holding On And Letting Go

By: Ross Copperman

Is anybody out there?

Is anybody listening?

Does anybody really know?

If it's the end of our beginning

He had never felt better than he did right now.

The most beautiful girl he'd ever met laid beneath him whispering his name and gripping his back tightly. She always made him feel better than anyone ever had, physically and emotionally. Her legs hitched higher around his waist pulling him deeper inside her and they crashed their lips together again, swallowing the others moan at the contact.

He trailed kisses down her jaw to her chin and down to her chest and when he grabbed her leg and pulled it up spreading her legs just that little bit further and sinking into her just a little deeper she panted his name out load and her nails racked across his back and she dug her nails in a little deeper when he 'shushed' her. They had to be quite, though. They both knew it was wrong. They shouldn't be having sex at their work place.

They shouldn't be having sex at all.

But they couldn't help themselves. They questioned it often. Why they were together, how they could keep doing this, and how long they could keep this up. Someone was bound to find out, and the turmoil that could happen after would rock both of their worlds to their very cores. Could hurt so many people.

But they were in too deep. Had been since the day they met.

She was positive she loved him, but she knew it was an unspoken rule that she couldn't say it out loud – her own rule more than his. Saying those words would make this more real, and it was bad enough as it was. Without those three words mixing in she could still pretend that this was just sex. Nothing more than sex. Boy was that a lie…

She knew he felt it. He may not have said it often, or ever at all if she had anything to do about it, but he showed it. In the times that she had caught him staring. The way he held her so tenderly. The soft kisses and the knowing looks. He felt it.

He just couldn't say it. She wished he could though. She wished she could say it too, but it was all so wrong.

All of this was wrong and they both knew it.

They just couldn't stop it, and they were both left wondering how different their lives would be if he had just met her first, if they had chosen different paths over the years.

His lips brushed against her tenderly and his hand ran down her side and fell to her sweet spot, the friction too much for both of them and they both fell to pieces, swallowing the others moans and collapsing together on the small bed, panting heavily.

Casey rolls onto his side and pulls the small Latina into his arms and kisses her forehead, and she wondered how she ever went without him. "That was… Wow." He mutters softly, his lips still brushing her forehead and his hand running soothingly up and down her back.

She giggles and whispers a soft, "Yeah," as reply as she kisses his chest and runs her fingers in a pattern along his bicep.

He looks down at her as she closes her eyes and relishes in the feel of his arms around her and he wonders how much time he has until she will get up and race to find her work clothes before kissing him and leaving him there wanting more. Because that is how it always is. He's always left wanting more of her. One more kiss, one more hug, one more cuddle in bed. He always wants more and he knows how utterly wrong that is. She's not his and he is not hers. But he knows that is a joke. They've always belonged to the other. They were done for from the first kiss, from the first meeting. He wishes he could say he regrets it all. That he regrets being with her, but he doesn't, not one bit, not at all. She's giving him the best nights of his life, and the majority of them have nothing to do with sex (although that is a major plus), and everything to do with just being with her. Talking and laughing and getting to know the other even more than they already do.

He loves her. God does he love her, and the thought makes him feel so amazing and so wrong all in one, because he can't love her, he shouldn't. It's not fair to her.

And it's really not fair to his wife.

He has known Gabriella Dawson for over 8 years now. He remembers their first meeting very vividly.

A cry

A rush

From one breathe

Is all we're waiting for

Sometimes the one we're taking

Changes every one before

He walked down the hall of the Advanced Science and Technology building not paying any attention to where he was going. Too busy looking at the paper in his hand that held his new class schedule and his cell phone in the other that had a text message from Hallie. He was studying the paper when he walked over to the small coffee stop by the student lounge in desperate need of a coffee and a little sit down before his next class in an hour.

That's when he ran straight into her. Knocking her flat on her ass and her spilling her coffee all over him.

"Dammit." She cursed as she started picking up her papers and books that had been in her hands along with her purse, that's contents were now strewn across the floor. Not even bothering to looks up, she had a class in 30 minutes and had to get halfway across campus still.

Casey bent down and started to help her. "I'm so sorry… God, are you okay?" He questioned, she did fall pretty hard after all.

She finally looked up, shock on her face as she got lost in his blue eyes, surprised at how attractive he was. "Uh, ye, yeah I um, I'm good. Thanks." She stuttered, looking back down to finish picking up her papers. Groaning in distress as one of her papers was covered in her coffee, letting out a soft curse.

"Please tell me that wasn't an important paper." He winced.

"We're in college, ever paper is an important paper." She grumbled, and he smirked at her sassiness, even though he really did feel bad.

She sighed. "Sorry… I, I'm sorry. It's not all your fault, I should have paid attention to where I was going."

He laughed. "Yeah well you're not the one that knocked me on my ass." She smirked than and he stood up after handing her the rest of her papers and stuck his hand out to help her up which she took gratefully.

She straightened herself out and then took in his appearance, he was covered in her coffee. He looked down as well and started to laugh, and she joined in.

"Let me buy you another coffee…" He trailed off, hoping she would insert her name.

"Gabriella… Gabby Dawson." She said with a soft smile, sticking her hand out for him to shake.

"Well Gabby I'm Matt, Casey. Now let me get you a coffee to make up for the bruise you'll have tomorrow." He joked and was momentarily transfixed by the soft laugh that fell from her lips and filled his ears.

He couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was. She had dark long curly hair that fell down her back and she was wearing a simple purple V-neck and a pair of ripped skinny jeans tucked into some boots that he found very nice on her. Her soft caramel skin looked soft and he really just wanted to reach out and… He shook his head. He couldn't be thinking like this, he had Hallie. But her dark brown eyes and soft smile were pulling him in and she wasn't even trying. He wondered how he could be feeling so drawn to this girl who he had barely uttered a few words too, but he was, and he had no idea why.

"I actual should get going… I have to get across campus to class."

He nodded, and tried to hide his disappointment. Disappointment that he shouldn't be feeling he reminded himself.

She began to walk by him, but stopped and turned. He was very attractive and there was just something about him that she was immediately drawn too, she wanted to see him again. "Rain check on that coffee?" She questioned with a grin and he turned to her then. He knew he should say he couldn't. He had a girlfriend. He was in a happy healthy relationship. He needed to say no.

But he didn't say no. And they made plans to see each other the next day at that same place to get coffee, and Matt was left wondering how he was going to tell Hallie about it, she would surely understand he was only being polite. Right?

It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't

It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed

Some prayers find an answer

Some prayers never know

We're holding on and letting go

He should have known that he was being more than just polite when he never told Hallie about the run in later that night when he walked into their apartment. And he really should have known when he and Gabby made plans to go out for lunch after hitting it off at that coffee meeting the next day.

He had never been that guy. He was actually the farthest thing from, and he had no idea what it was about Gabby that made him that guy, but he couldn't get enough of her. He was drawn to her, and when he told Gabby as much at their second date at a little café where they had lunch she smiled brightly at him and a deep blush filled her cheeks as she gave him a sarcastic reply, that had him falling a little harder for her.

There was something about her that he had never found in anyone else. He and Hallie had been together for 4 years. They dated the last two years of high school and had gone off to college together, getting a small apartment right off campus. They knew each other's families well, and had become a fixture in the others family life. Well Matt had in Hallie's family, and Hallie had gotten to know his sister well. Matt's dad was dead, and his mother in jail, and Hallie was there for him when those unfortunate events had occurred.

Hallie had been in his life for so long, in his heart.

But Gabby was there too. She was such a big part of his life, the biggest part if he was being honest with himself, which he wasn't often. Honest with himself that is. No one knew their situation. No one knew how long it had been going on or any details. To anyone else they were just friends. Good friends. Great friends.

And as far as anyone else knew they had only known each other for a year… not eight years.

As far as everyone in house 51, Hallie, and their families knew they had only met a year ago at Gabby's first day at 51. No one knew their complicated and less than moral past. And no one knew about their current situation either.

Their past was long, and tragic, and full of lies and secrets that neither was proud of, but couldn't regret. Never had either regretted it, as much as they knew they should.

They knew more about each other than anyone else, which Casey thought was crazy seeing as he had been in a relationship with Hallie longer than he had even known Dawson, but still had never connected with Hallie on such a deep level that he and Gabby had.

Casey looked at the time on the watch on his wrist and saw that it was 10p.m.; everyone would be making their way into the sleeping quarters, and he was sure Shay would come looking for Gabby soon when she realized her friend was not sleeping in the cot next to her, but he didn't want to wake her up. She had fallen asleep curled into his side and they rarely ever got nights like this together, where they got to sleep in the other's arms. He knew it wasn't appropriate for their first time in a few weeks of staying together to be at work, but he wasn't ready to wake her up and watch her walk away from him yet. So he looked to the locked door and to the blinds on all windows that had been drawn down and he pulled the sheets up around them and pulled her closer into his embrace on the small bed. Cradling her in his arms kissing her forehead, and he fell asleep wondering what it would be like to fall asleep with her like this every night.

Sometimes we're holding angels

And we never even know

Don't know if we'll make it

But we know

We just can't let it show

Matt and Gabby were on their fifth 'date' when they crossed the line from friends who flirted, to something more.

Matt still hadn't told Gabby about Hallie. He knew he needed too, but he also knew that if he did he would most likely also be saying goodbye to Gabby too. She would be mad. She would probably hate him, and probably tell Hallie what he had done, and he wouldn't have blamed her. Not at all. They'd only known each other for two months and he was feeling things for her that he never felt for Hallie in the 4 years of being together, and that scared him. It excited him too, because he knew that Gabby was feeling the same way.

He was falling for her. Hard.

They were sitting at her small apartment that she shared with her friend who was out of town, watching a movie on the couch and laughing with a bottle of wine when he kissed her.

It was their first kiss and it was everything he ever imagined it would be and more. It was two months of waiting, and many laughs, and long talks later from that first coffee spilling meeting, and it was magical.

But it didn't stop with a kiss… Not at all.

He told himself before he came over that night that he was going to tell her about Hallie… but he never did.

He kissed her, and she kissed him back and it was loving and gentle, and urgent and wanting all in one perfect touch of lip to lip. And in that moment he knew he was done for, he was falling in love with her and there was no going back.

Little did he know she was falling just as hard for him right back.

He picked her up and her short smooth legs wrapped around his waist as he carried her to her bedroom. Laying her down gently on the bed. They took their time getting to know each other. Learning the others body. The words weren't said that night. Those three perfect words wouldn't be said till many months later, but they both felt it.

They made love for the first time that night, and it was definitely not the last of the night, or of the years to come. Neither of them knew it but that was the night that they both tangled themselves in deeper than they ever imagined possible. Gabby woke up in his arms the next morning and she swore she had never felt better in her entire life. She was falling hard for him. Matt Casey was the perfect man. They never put a label on it, but he was her man. What she didn't realize was that he was someone else's man as well… but she would.

Only two short months later…

It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't

It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed

Some prayers find an answer

Some prayers never know

We're holding on and letting go

Yeah, letting go

"Get out!"

Casey flinched at her loud scream.

"Gabby please...-"

"I said get out! I can't believe you! I trusted you! You… I hate you…" The tears were falling freely down her cheeks, and at her last three words his spilled over. They were across the room from each other. Her screaming at him so loudly he was sure her voice would be hoarse in the morning.

"You don't mean that…" He pleaded softly.

She shook her head, her eyes cold, but the tears kept coming. "I do…"

"No. You don't." He told her, and she knew he was right, but she wished he wasn't.

And then she asked the question that she wished she never had. "How long have you two been together?"

He looked away ashamed. "…4 years."

Her mouth dropped and she quickly slammed it back closed as she bit her lip and her jaw clenched. This wasn't just some stupid little relationship. He'd been with her for 4 damn years. They'd been together for 4 months! How could she compete with that? She couldn't.

What she didn't know was that she didn't have to. She would win.

She was everything Casey wanted and he wasn't sure how he hadn't told her about Hallie. He had wanted to from the moment he met her. He almost had so many times, but then she would say or do something that had him never wanting to let her go, and he knew telling her would be ending whatever they had. He couldn't bring himself to do it, but after the fourth time in the past two months of him almost letting that 'L' word slip he knew he couldn't keep it from her anymore. He had to tell her…

The hurt that flashed across her face and the still hurt look that had fallen into her features were breaking his heart and he wished he could take that hurt away.

"4 years Casey!?" She hollers. "So what was I huh? How many girls have you done this with? Am I just another girl on your long list of conquests? Just some easy lay!?" She screams and although her words are angry and her eyes are cold he can see the hurt in her eyes and hear it in her voice and he watches as she clenches her jaw tighter to stop the tears, but her trembling lips are a dead giveaway for the hurt she is really feeling.

"Don't say that…" He says forcefully. "There is no one else other than you. You think I went after you? That you're a conquest?! God Gabby. I hope you would have a little more faith in me than that…"

"I did have faith in you… look where that got me…" Her words are meant to be hurtful, he knows that, he just doesn't expect them to sting as much as they do.

"I didn't mean for all this to happen okay?! God. You know how hard it is to not fall for you!? Because I tried! I really tried. I thought I could just get you out of my system, that we could just be friends. That it was just an attraction and that I would realize that was all it was and I could just get over it… but I couldn't. I tried so hard… this isn't me Gabby. I'm not a… cheater. I don't cheat, and then I met you and I just… I fell for you, and it didn't matter what I tried to do to stop it, or how much I tried to tell you I was in a relationship, I couldn't…" His words trail off and Gabby has harsh tears falling down her cheeks and her arms wrapped around herself staring at him in disbelief.

She watches him shake his head as he walks over and sits down at the end of her bed and rubs at his eyes before running his hands through his hair, something that she noticed long ago that he does when he is frustrated or nervous. "I couldn't tell you about Hallie because I knew if I did I would be ending this, and I just, I couldn't end this… I started falling for you so quickly and then it was like I couldn't stop. I wanted to spend all my time around you. You just pulled me in and I didn't want to let go." She had come to sit by him then. Her arms still wrapped around herself, protecting herself from his words, maybe from him as well.

When he says that he never meant to hurt her she scuffs and rolls her eyes, and he smirks because she is so damn sassy and he is positive that she is perfect, but he knows better than to say that right now. "I know that it is stupid and cliché and probably the worst thing I could say, but I didn't. I never wanted to hurt you in all of this. Or Hallie. I'm an ass and I truly am sorry Gabs… I don't expect you to believe me or forgive me… I just I'm falling for you and I couldn't keep it from you any longer. You don't deserve this…"

They sit in silence for a while before Gabby speaks. "Are you going to tell her?" She questions.

He looks at her confused for a moment before he understands. "I…" He trails off. In all honesty he wasn't sure. He knew he needed too. He had too. He had just been so focused on telling Gabby that he never thought about telling Hallie until she just pointed it out, and now he feels like an even bigger ass. "I have too…" He says quietly and she nods, secretly proud of him for coming to that conclusion on his own.

"You do." She confirms.

They are quite for a while longer. He's not sure what else to say. He knows another 'I'm sorry' isn't going to help anything and he owes her so much more than another apology. Gabby is so lost in thought that he is afraid to say anything. All he knows is that she is no longer screaming at him to leave her bedroom, and while she is still sitting pretty defensively beside him, she is still next to him and that's got to mean something. When she finally does speak her words shock him so much that he is lost for words.

"Matt… What, what does this mean for us…?" Her words are so timid and scared and his heart breaks. This sassy stubborn girl holds his heart, and he is well aware now that he holds hers and he is scared to death of breaking it, but the truth is he hasn't thought that through.

You would think he would have by now. They've been 'dating' for 4, almost 5 months now. He's been trying to tell her for almost that long. You would think he would've thought about the fall out of it all. Of how he would tell Hallie or how Gabby would react.

He hadn't thought about it really. But he was thinking about it now. And he loved Hallie. He really loved Hallie… but he loved Gabby too, more than he thought imaginable. He had to decide.

Gabby hates him right now. He lied to her. He turned her into a cheater. A cheater who didn't know she was a cheater, but she still was indeed a cheater. She feels dirty, but she loves Matt, and it's hard to just let that go and pretend it never happened. She hates that she feels this way. She is usually so head strong, and she is positive that if it was anyone else but him she would have probably kicked their ass, called their girlfriend and told them the truth, then gone out and got drunk with her fake ID at a little dive bar down the road and forgotten all about them by the morning.

This wasn't just any other guy though. She knew that from the moment she met him. She needed him, and she kind of hated herself for that.

"I'm going to tell Hallie… and then… then I hope, I'm going to come here and take you out and show you just how sorry I am…" He says softly, a hopeful look in his eye.

She gives him a soft relieved smile. She's happy that this isn't ending, but she definitely isn't letting him off the hook yet, and he expects nothing less.

They lie down on the bed and Gabby lets Matt hold her as she drifts off to sleep. Tomorrow when Hallie gets home from her overnight rotation for clinical at the hospital he is going to go home and tell her the truth. He knows it will be hard, they've been together for so long, but he knows he has to do it.

What neither expects is for Hallie's parents and brother to get into a car accident that night.

It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't

It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed

Some prayers find an answer

Some prayers never know

We're holding on and letting go

Matt doesn't break up with Hallie.

Gabby understands, in fact she encourages that he doesn't break up with her. She doesn't know the girl, but she knows that anyone going through that doesn't deserve to also go through a break up. Matt loves Gabby even more for that.

Gabby refuses to see him though.

She won't knowingly cheat, and Matt doesn't blame her. He already feels terrible for doing it in the first place. Hallie's mother ends up being in a comma for a month. Her brother has a broken leg and internal damage to his abdomen that is fixed in surgery. Hallie's dad has heart surgery, and then brain surgery. He doesn't make it, and Hallie is a mess. Matt is by her side through it all, and his guilt eats away at him, but he doesn't show it. He is her rock through it, and he wonders how he ever cheated on this girl in the first place. But then he passes Gabby in the hall at college, or he sees her getting coffee at 'their' spot, she will send him a small smile, and he remembers how she made him feel and he remembers it all.

Gabby and him text quite a bit after the funeral is over and Hallie's mom and brother return home. It takes a total of 5 months for things to go back to 'normal' for Hallie. Well as normal as life can get after you lose a parent.

When Gabby asks him if he plans on telling Hallie the truth he tells her he doesn't know, and she tells him that she doesn't know if she can do this anymore.

In the past five months they haven't slept together again. They've shared one kiss, and that was only because Matt insisted that he 'missed her to damn much not to have his lips on hers one more second'. They've shared numerous text messages, and rarely talked on the phone, and they never meet face to face.

Gabby waits for him. Because she loves him, and she knows he loves her, even if neither have said the actual words. Because he is worth the wait.

But then he tells her he doesn't know if he can break up with Hallie, so much had happened.

And she tells him that she can't wait for him forever, that she has to try and move on.

He doesn't fight her. He has no right too. He's surprised she stuck by him for so long.

Their 'break-up', if you could even call it that much, happens through text because Gabby still won't meet up with him when he is still dating Hallie. He should be relieved. Happy that he no longer has to break Hallie's heart.

He's not relieved. He's heartbroken, and he really hates himself for it.

Gabby doesn't want to end it. She truly loves him, but she won't be the girl who waits forever, she can't. She has to move on. But she doesn't move on, she cries. A lot more than she ever expected too, and she thinks about him constantly. She doesn't know how she let herself fall so hard in such a short amount of time, but she did, and she has a hard time regretting it, because she is pretty sure it was the best 4 and a half months of her life with Matt Casey. And it's pretty hard to regret something like that.

But she misses him. A lot.

And he misses her… so much more than he should.

It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't

It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed

Some prayers find an answer

Some prayers never know

We're holding on and letting go

Eeee. Nerves galore.

I don't agree with cheating at all, but sometimes the heart wants what it wants, and in this case my muse wanted what it wanted and this story just wrote it self. There is definitely more to this story to tell, a lot more.

Really hope you liked this one!

If you did please leave a review if you want me to continue with it!

Review, Review, Review.

xXx